lawyer83 Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 I don't know if any of you remember me, but I was on this board a while ago. I am a young, college-educated woman who was silly enough to fall for my married college preofessor. He was estranged from his wife for about 2 years before we ever met or got together, we've been together for about 18 months; and his divorce just became final December 2006. My problem is this: I just found out that I am pregnant today. When I told him that I was pregnant the first words to come out of his mouth were, "I'm not ready." He said that he would support me no matter what, and also offered to pay for an abortion; emphasis on the abortion. Of course, I told him that I wasn't ready either and thought an abortion would be a good thing, but, I think that I just said that to put his mind at ease. Why should I be putting his mind at ease when we're both adults here? I mean he's 13 years my senior, and has a stable income, so I don't understand why he was so quick to pull the abortion card. Is it possible that I'm missing the hint? I mean this guy tells me he loves me, proposes to me, leaves his marriage for me, moves me into his home, introduces me to his family and friends; but somehow he isn't ready to have a child with me. He isn't ready to have a kid, even though he's been telling me that he wants to have kids with me one day. We've even picked out a name for our first daughter. Do you guys think that this is really an issue of bad timing, or should I be reassesing my options at this point? I should also mention the fact that he also picked out childrens' names with his ex-wife , but they never actually had any kids together. She was pregnant with his child, but ended up having an abortion. I don't know whether that abortion was his decision or hers. His ex wife had so many vaginal issues, and complications after her abortion that she eventually ended up having to get a hysterectomy. About me: I'm 24, and I don't know if I'm ready to be a mother, but I'm not upset about being pregnant. I've actually been thinking about how becoming a mother could change my life. I might be willing to do this with, or without him. I don't know, maybe I'm just being hormonal right now.
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 I should also mention the fact that he also picked out childrens' names with his ex-wife , but they never actually had any kids together. She was pregnant with his child, but ended up having an abortion. I don't know whether that abortion was his decision or hers Don't you think that is a big red flag? If you want this baby, then have it. I say dump the MM because he is selfish and not ready to be a father. Saying "one day I will have kids." and then he never did with his first wife, and now he's with you, you're pregnant and he more or less wants you to have an abortion??? I hope you see what I'm getting at here. The man jumped out of his marriage and is with you now. Didn't leave much time between relationships, which is probably why he isn't ready to settle down again any time soon.
serial muse Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Yeah that's the part that stands out for me, too. That seems like a red flag. Also the second half of that paragraph: . His ex wife had so many vaginal issues, and complications after her abortion that she eventually ended up having to get a hysterectomy. ...which made me wonder if that's why he felt so much guilt about her (from reading your previous posts), and was the source of much of the drama? That would be enough to really screw with someone's head (meaning hers). As for him, I can imagine that the guilt would be significant there, particularly as it seems likely that she wasn't the one who wanted the abortion in the first place, given what you've said about him. Regardless...something about this is worrisome. I know you've been together for a while but the fact that he says all of his exes are "crazy" (he was, after all, the common denominator), plus this weirdness with his ex-wife, and now this...I just don't trust someone who claims it's always the exes' fault. At the very least, it seems clear the guy doesn't really want kids. Do you? Please don't get an abortion because he bullies you into it.
Art_Critic Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 He said that he would support me no matter what, and also offered to pay for an abortion Offering to pay for your abortion is not supporting you in any fashion other than financial. I think you already know that he doesn't want the kid.. any guy that would even mention the word abortion has shown his cards before any other words come out of his mouth.
Izzar Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Ultimately it is YOUR CHOICE!! He quickly voiced his opinion about the baby.
Author lawyer83 Posted March 30, 2007 Author Posted March 30, 2007 Thank you all for your advice and support. I knew that something wasn't quite right, but like many others I dug myself into a pit because I wanted to believe. I'm not blind, deaf, or dumb; I just wanted things to work out however unrealistic my expectations were. And, I honestly don't know what to do now. Do I just pack up and leave? Do we have the talk? This is so hard. I wasn't expecting to get pregnant. I didn't even know if I really wanted a child, it was just a future option, and now I'm actually thinking about the possibility of a future as a single mother. On a lighter note: Do any of you take time out to smell the roses. I know it might seem completely insane to ask this question in this context, but I have to because this week I had an epiphany. Earlier this week I took myself out to lunch at a nearby restaurant . After lunch I decided to go for a walk by myself. I walked from the outskirts of downtown into the city, and it was a great experience. I felt calm, peaceful, enlightened. I was more aware of my environment, and my body, and I was able to appreciate both. Is what I experienced a normal part of being pregnant? I didn't know that I was pregnant at the time.
GreenEyedLady Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 Single motherhood isn't the worst thing that could happen to you... Take your time and make a decision that is best for YOU... I myself am a single mother and it's hard at times and full of sacrifices...but my two beautiful children make it all worth it... It could be that pregnancy has made you more sensitive to sights and smells...I remember that Dry Erase markers made me SICK and light-headed, even if I wasn't the one using them...
puddleofmud Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 Thank you all for your advice and support. I knew that something wasn't quite right, but like many others I dug myself into a pit because I wanted to believe. I'm not blind, deaf, or dumb; I just wanted things to work out however unrealistic my expectations were. And, I honestly don't know what to do now. Do I just pack up and leave? Do we have the talk? This is so hard. I wasn't expecting to get pregnant. I didn't even know if I really wanted a child, it was just a future option, and now I'm actually thinking about the possibility of a future as a single mother. On a lighter note: Do any of you take time out to smell the roses. I know it might seem completely insane to ask this question in this context, but I have to because this week I had an epiphany. Earlier this week I took myself out to lunch at a nearby restaurant . After lunch I decided to go for a walk by myself. I walked from the outskirts of downtown into the city, and it was a great experience. I felt calm, peaceful, enlightened. I was more aware of my environment, and my body, and I was able to appreciate both. Is what I experienced a normal part of being pregnant? I didn't know that I was pregnant at the time. It does sound as if you had some kind of significant Spiritual experience so if I were you I wouldn't discount it nor would I be anxious. Just hold it dear and eventually, maybe at about age 85 or so, you will figure it out! I am somewhat kidding and somewhat not kidding... Yes, you had a epiphany--hopefully the first of many. Being that you are 24--did your current partner never think you could be pregnant? Or does he live on planet "INSANE" where all young women are infertile and all birth control infallable? Or that he is not King of the World and can't proclaim denial much less pick and choose the reality he wishes as opposed to the one he creates? Why should you pack and leave? Why should you be required to go else where when both are as responsible as the other? You are living together and committed? Or is the commitment only about what is considered rosey and romantic? What is there to talk about being that you asked should you have "the talk"? weeelll, yeeeah...and talk and talk. That's what couples who love each other DO. I hope it works out for you, sweetie, but in the interim stay healthy and be kind to yourself.
Miss Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 Sounds to me like you are a sensitive and intelligent, independent young woman with a very bright future. This guy wants sex, not kids. He wants an ego massage from a beautiful younger woman, not a real relationship. The reason he does not want kids is because HE is the big baby here and he does not want you to transfer your attentions away from him. Walk away, walk off into that lovely scene you described. If you get out now, your life can still be the bed of roses you want it to be. Good luck and remember you deserve to be loved as you love. x
pelagicsands Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 remember you deserve to be loved as you love. Just another reason to be gay.
Author lawyer83 Posted April 1, 2007 Author Posted April 1, 2007 lol...I agree with you pelagic sands. If only I didn't love men. They annoy the hell out of me, they confuse me, and amuse me; but I love them. The talk is the breakup talk. The adult talk. I don't know if he's going to be able to handle being with me if I keep this baby. He is a bit of a big baby himself, and he does tend to need a lot of attention at times. I don't know if he is going to be willing to share the spotlight. I'd hate to have to choose between the two of them, bit if I have to I think I know what my choice will be.
Babybird Posted April 1, 2007 Posted April 1, 2007 Like everyone else has said its YOUR CHOICE. I'm a single mother with 3 kids and it can be tough but there is no way that I would take them back. He does sound like he's being selfish but then again he is a man and as we've discovered here on LS in the OW category men are very selfish creatures. On the flip-side: maybe he is scared. I'm sure he wasn't expecting you to get pregnant. Like you said you weren't. Give it a little time to sink in. Don't rush to make any decisions. Your walk in the park sounds like it was a wonderful experience. If you felt that calm and peaceful maybe it was a sign that this is meant to be. Pregnancy does some strange and wonderful things to the mind, body, and soul. Plus as someone mentioned when you're pregnant you can smell everything. Dry erase markers, LOL. I work in a machine shop and the smell of the oil and coolant made me sick. Everyday for almost 2 months!!! Good luck and keep us posted. The people here will support you any way that you go. Hopefully your man does the same.
Enema Posted April 1, 2007 Posted April 1, 2007 The guy doesn't want kids. That doesn't make him a monster, a selfish person or someone to discard as not worthy of your time in a relationship. "Unless", you've previously talked about kids and he lied to you and said that he wanted them. Just seems to me like this guy is grabbing the sharp end of the stick when he doesn't really deserve it.
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