Star Gazer Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 I've written about a particular friend before. I think I called her "Rebecca." On NYE I pulled her aside in the hopes of reaching some sort of resolution regarding what I felt was her being really bitchy towards me. I felt the tension between us was simply the result of us growing apart, and on that night she dismissed me as though I was crazy. Three months later, today I receive an email from her responding to my inquiries on NYE. She basically told me she cannot trust me, that I am two-faced, selfish, and an all-around bad friend. I now feel gutted. I honestly do not know what it is I could have possibly ever done to make her feel this way. We've probably seen each other 6-7 times over the past 4 years (due to distance), which is why I thought we had "grown apart," not that I had done something WRONG. I asked her to explain a little bit, to give me some examples so I can understand and change (I obviously don't want to be the person she's describing), and her response was that it was cumulative - "nothing specific comes to mind." She also indicated that I "must have realized that [my] friends done want to be around [me] anymore." Actually, I have NOT noticed that, but now I'm a little paranoid... I'm not sure what to do, how to tackle this situation. If there's ANY quality I value in myself, it's my ability to be a good friend. I've broken the bank, been as generous $$-wise and emotionally as possible. I'm loyal and extremely trustworthy. My friends are my chosen family, so I treat them like their worth their weight in diamonds...at least I THINK I do. How can I figure out if I'm totally not???
WhiteKnight Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Hmmm Star Gazer, out of curiousity. Have you spoken to any of your friends about this? As in, have you raised the question with them about... How they feel about you in general? Do they find you okay or do they think you are acting strangely, if so, why? I think the best thing you can do is go on a low profile, ask your friends on what they think about you. If you get a negative vibe or response, deal with it neutrally and see why they thought of you in that manner. However whenever it comes to negative feedback. You have to accept that not all of your friends like you by either your attitude, personality etc. Sometimes its difficult to accept but anyone gets that. See where you went wrong and find out how the 'trust' issue suddenly redeveloped. The way your friend said she doesn't trust you and finds you as a 'two-faced image'. Now that raises a few eyebrows here. Because she may have said it harshly at you and since you wanted answers, she's either refusing to tell you and also at the same time, has no excuse to back up her own claim. Since she acted like she doesn't give you an honest answer, I think she's the one who is paranoid and has issues with you. Infact, I would have just left her alone and walked away entirely to be honest. Sounds like to me, not a worthy friend and you should not waste your time on one person. If it had become a group of people, say more than 3... then you might have a problem there. So you have to find out the truth in a manner of being quite persuasive and get to know how they react towards you. Only then you can tell if there is a tension between all of you.
RecordProducer Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 . We've probably seen each other 6-7 times over the past 4 years (due to distance), which is why I thought we had "grown apart," not that I had done something WRONG. Go through every detail of your meetings that you can remember and think what seemed wrong. I had friends (sisters) who stopped contact with me for unknown reasons. When I go back in time in my mind, I remember how they put me down many times in two departments - one is my looks (they would make fun of my round face and "big" tits, they would tell me that I have fat to warm me up - mind you, I looked perfect at the time and they were very skinny, the older told me once that her BF told her she was hotter than me and stated that it would HURT her if she were me, apparently hoping that it would hurt me, but it didn't, because she was ugly) and the other one was nasty teases and accusations regarding the fact that I had more money than they did. So no matter what their moties, I realized that a lot of jealousy was involved, so no wonder the friendship ruptured. How is it my fault? It is. Because I should associate with people who are better than me if I don't want them to be jealous. I asked her to explain a little bit, to give me some examples so I can understand and change (I obviously don't want to be the person she's describing), and her response was that it was cumulative - "nothing specific comes to mind."I think if you feel that you have done nothing wrong then listen to yourself. She wasn't able to describe how so she has no "evidence" or "witnesses" - case closed. I think she is just jealous of you, because you're cute and sexy, successful, smart, independent, date guys, dress nicely, etc. Tell me more about HER and I'll tell you why she doesn't like you. She also indicated that I "must have realized that [my] friends done want to be around [me] anymore." Actually, I have NOT noticed that, but now I'm a little paranoid...Saying something like this indicates htta she is mean. I don't take criticism from mean people. Do you? I'm not sure what to do, how to tackle this situation. Forget about her. If there's ANY quality I value in myself, it's my ability to be a good friend. I've broken the bank, been as generous $$-wise and emotionally as possible. I'm loyal and extremely trustworthy. My friends are my chosen family, so I treat them like their worth their weight in diamonds...at least I THINK I do. How can I figure out if I'm totally not??? Do you gossip with your friends about other friends? Do you make fun of them? Do you criticize them? Do you ask them for favors, but rarely do any favors for them? Do you talk about yourself, but don't ask them about their lives? Do you put your suggestions and ideas first, discarding theirs? Do you put them down? Do you genuinely like your friends? Do you think that their lives or personalities are miserable? Do you think that you're better (smarter, prettier) than they are? Do you have too much self-confidence that possibly intimidates them? Answer yourself and you'll have your solution. You know the facts better than anyone else.
Herzen Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 "She basically told me she cannot trust me, that I am two-faced, selfish, and an all-around bad friend." Now that's an indictment. But where, pray tell, are the particulars? SG, we learned in law school that facts matter. Rebecca gave no facts supporting her indictment of you as a person and friend. The untrustworthiness charge especially should have been supported. All we have is hurtful opinion based on scant intersection over the years. No one likes to have their basic nature and self-image gutted. But when the criticisms are devoid of facts and particulars one must take a hard look at the critic: Character assassination as sport. The problems lie not with you, but with Rebecca. She has inflicted a lot of pain upon a friend without due cause. I suspect her unsupported indictment of you applies in spades to her. Is she projecting? My question is this: What has she told your mutual friends about your character? Defamation, anyone.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2007 Author Posted March 30, 2007 Do you gossip with your friends about other friends? Gossip, no. Talk about, yes. But not in a gossipy/malicious way. If, for example, I'm hanging out with M, who lives with R, and I haven't seen R in a while, I'll ask M about what's new with R, etc. Then we'll talk about R...make sense? But never in a negative way. In the same vein, if M is upset with C, M might come to me to discuss how to deal with C. But again, not malicious or gossipy. Do you make fun of them? We all do, to each others' respective faces, in a lighthearted manner. Never personal, never attacking. I laugh WITH them, not AT them. Do you criticize them? No. Do you ask them for favors, but rarely do any favors for them? I can't think of any favors on either side, actually...at least not towards this group of friends. Weird. Do you talk about yourself, but don't ask them about their lives? I am totally guilty of this. Sometimes if someone asks, for example, "How was your weekend?" I'll respond but forget to ask them about theirs. I have to make a concerted effort to remember to reciprocate and ask them about them...but I don't think it's so bad as to be a "problem." Do you put your suggestions and ideas first, discarding theirs? I don't think so. We're pretty much a democracy. Mass emails, throwing out ideas for things, places to go, concepts, opinions. We're a very diverse group. Do you put them down? Never. Do you genuinely like your friends? Other than Rebecca, yes. It's been a few years since I've even really considered her a friend. Do you think that their lives or personalities are miserable? Nope, we're all pretty much equals. Do you think that you're better (smarter, prettier) than they are? We all have our weaknesses and strengths. I may be better at one thing over one friend, and vice versa...but it's not a thought that resonates. Do you have too much self-confidence that possibly intimidates them? Other than Rebecca, my friends who really KNOW me actually know this isn't true.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2007 Author Posted March 30, 2007 "She basically told me she cannot trust me, that I am two-faced, selfish, and an all-around bad friend." Now that's an indictment. But where, pray tell, are the particulars? SG, we learned in law school that facts matter. Rebecca gave no facts supporting her indictment of you as a person and friend. The untrustworthiness charge especially should have been supported. All we have is hurtful opinion based on scant intersection over the years. No one likes to have their basic nature and self-image gutted. But when the criticisms are devoid of facts and particulars one must take a hard look at the critic: Character assassination as sport. The problems lie not with you, but with Rebecca. She has inflicted a lot of pain upon a friend without due cause. I suspect her unsupported indictment of you applies in spades to her. Is she projecting? My question is this: What has she told your mutual friends about your character? Defamation, anyone. I feel GUTTED, that's exactly the word. I still don't have any particulars. I do wonder if she is projecting, as everything she thinks about me, I actually think about HER. I'm not sure what she's told our mutual friends about me. I have gone, privately, to the two friends who matter the most to see if they have any thoughts. I asked them to be as open and honest as possible, because I don't want any tension or wrongs to remain. No response as of yet.
Herzen Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 I'm glad you're investigating. You could run yourself ragged speculating about the why's and wherefore's for Rebecca's attacks. Little in life prepares us for that kind of character assault. It's one thing to get slammed on these boards (as we both know) quite another to have a friend assassinate one's character--without evidence. Envy may have something to do with this. Perhaps she perceives you as prettier, more successful, more popular and more of a guy magnet than she. Who knows. Unless other friends pile on, you must view this as an outlier incident --one born of Rebecca's envy, resentment or just plain pathological character. As we've seen on these boards, muscular personal criticism--especially involving over-the-top nastiness--says more about the critic than the person being criticized. Good luck, and keep us informed. Now, back to my SJ Brief...
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