batterup401 Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 This is my first post, but I am trying to think of anything to help out our situation. I know this is long and I am sorry for that. My wife and I have been married for almost 9 years, (my first..her second) and we have 2 beautiful children. For the past 9 months, things have not gone well. So bad that we have been talking about getting separated or divorced. I think that separation/divorce is probably inevitable, but I am not sure if I want it. I know it will hurt me financially, as I am the only one in the relationship with significant assets. She had nothing when we got married. No matter what, I will always take care of my children, and they will never be deprived a nice safe home, schooling, clothing, vacations, etc. Please don't think this is just about money...it is not. She says that we no longer connect, which I agree. We havn't been intimate for the past 7 months, and before then it was not often. Even when we were intimate, I was doing all the work. Not just sex, but I would spend time massaging her, caressing her, and she would just lay there. Then she would say " ok lets do it" and she would want to either have intercourse or she would give me head, and once we were done, it was over. Please, don't think this is just about sex...it is not. We rarely speak to each other, we rarely acknowledge each other, and I think that maybe I am better off just ending the marriage now at 44 and hopefully meet another woman who I can spend my life with and who I will enjoy spending my life with. The only think keeping me in this marriage are my children. And I really think that I could stay married only for the benefit of the children, until they are in college which would be in another 12 years. At that time I would be 56, but do I really want to waste the next 12 years of my life in this relationship. Not to sound egotisic, but I am a fairly successful and attractive man and considered by many friends including both men and women to be a good catch. In all due fairness, my wife is also very attractive but she will probably not want to remarry. She says that maybe marriage is not for her, since this would be her 2nd failed marriage if we do get divorced. We are talking about going to a marriage counselor, which would be our 2nd attempt. I felt the first one was helping me to realize things, but she said something to upset my wife and she decided that she did not want to go back to her. I think, although I dont know for sure, that my wife might just be too demanding and expects people to see things her way only. Anyway, I hope I have made sense, and any advice would be appreciated.
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Definately go to marriage counselling, it can help and hopefully open up her eyes. If this marriage counsellor isn't working out, go to another one. Give it your best effort (hopefully your wife will too) to make things good again, atleast this way if it doesn't work out, you'll feel like you really tried and didn't give up. Can I ask what it was that upset your wife during the session?
Author batterup401 Posted March 30, 2007 Author Posted March 30, 2007 To answer the above question as to why my wife did not want to go back to that marriage counselor, as I said my wife had been married before. According to my wife, the marriage counselor made a comment something to the effect of " is this your 3rd marriage, or something like that" which got my wife made. I too think it was inappropriate of the marriage counselor, but hell, my wife could have given her one more chance.
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Then you go on your own. Hopefully once your wife realizes the effort you are putting into the marriage, atleast trying to fix it, she'll try counselling again. Part of therapy is facing problems, and sometimes hearing the truth, AND being truthful to yourself, let alone your spouse, can be painful and hard to work through. Fixing a marriage isn't easy, it's alot of hard work. I hope your wife doesn't throw in the towel because she can't face the music .......
Herzen Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 I can hear the loneliness and loss of hope in your text. It's clear that you're the worker bee in the marriage both in and out of bed. Your wife and you inhabit very different places now and when you do intersect it's around the kids. Right now, your beautiful children are all that hold your marriage together. I've been there. There's no right answer. If you remain, the resentment, frustration and alienation will only grow and you'll each end up a stranger in bed to the other. The downward momentum only gets worse. Your desire to stray or separate will only increase and, for all intents and purposes, you'll separate emotionally and psychologically long before you physically leave. A marriage's unraveling is long and tortuous. If you physically separate, the guilt at first will be tremendous because you'll leave not only your estranged spouse but your children. You'll hurt them for the sake of your personal happiness. They'll lose Dad. Over time, though, especially in so-called "good divorces," the kids adjust, the guilt lessens and you find some improved level of personal satisfaction. One solution is not to move far away: I live .4 of a mile from my old marital home. Proximity helps. As for marriage counseling, I've always questioned its effectiveness. Often, marital dynamics are such that the counseling has no effect. Sometimes, as in my case, the counseling actually worsened matters.Marriage counseling is only as good as the marriage and as effective as the counselor. Contrary to what many believe, it's no panacea. Decision time will come: stay or go. The choice is yours to make and the consequences are for your loved ones to endure.
2sunny Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 I would say to try counseling again - even if it means choosing a different therapist. Do be warned though - that your wife seems like she will be defensive when she faced with scenarios that may be difficult for her to admit to. Most patients like this tend to run away the minute it gets tough and there is work to do. As far as your kids... they already know that things are not happy... I can guarantee you that. Every household has an "aura." If it is as cold and unfeeling as you say - then this is the example that your kids will grow up to view as a "normal" marriage. This - I feel sad about - as kids should be able to experience a happy and loving environment - not one full of tension and avoidance. They do say that a Mother sets the tone and temperament for the whole household and everyone in it. If she's happy - everyone is happy. If she's not - then everyone feels miserable... Even animals pick up on the environment. They may be better off experiencing happy homes if you two didn't live together. So - I guess you have two choices: work hard at making it a great thing or leave the marriage so that everyone can see what happiness is that way. If you choose (or have to do) the later - then just remember to move forward and to try to be as happy as you possibly can. This choice brings alot of changes - hopefully so the good outweighs the bad... Good luck - and keep posting. There are alot of great folks here that give really good advice!
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