HappyAtLast Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 I have been reading here for the last couple of days, lots of sad stories, lots of MM bashing. I was an MM many years ago. My W was unwilling to change things in our M (not to say things were her fault, it takes two. She is a good person who was completely satisfied with things the way they were. I was not and I let her know, she chose not to try to improve things). I married my OW. For those who say "once a cheater, always a cheater" (or however that ones goes)... LOL. I dare say that I have been married to my OW for longer than most of you have been married to your spouses. I have no interest in cheating on her. She loves me and trusts me, I would never let her down. I've read about lots of MM's who can't choose. I never experienced that, it was never about making a choice, I couldn't not be with my OW. A friend of mine is now having an A, is asking me for advice. Anything I tell him will only be hypocritical.
Izzar Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Speaking of making a choice, my s/o chose to leave & divorce his wife in order to have a chance to live a happy life & in return give his wife the chance to live a happy one herself. And by the way, I believe, Can't means you Won't. I also don't believe Once a cheater, always a cheater.
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Tell your friend to either end his marriage and then pursue the person he's having the affair with, or end the affair and fix his marriage. Right now he's being selfish and choosing to cheat. He may think cheating is his only option if things are not going well at home - That's just an excuse. If the marriage is broken, fix it or end it. Just because you had an affair, doesn't mean you can't help him. Just don't push him in any direction, give him some solutions that could help him figure out his life, suggest counselling etc...
Author HappyAtLast Posted March 29, 2007 Author Posted March 29, 2007 LOL.... I made the mistake of saying "I can't" to my OW one time. She said there's no can't, only WON'T.
Author HappyAtLast Posted March 29, 2007 Author Posted March 29, 2007 True... he just does not know that my M began as an A. I truly feel like a hypocritical jackass even getting involved in conversations with him.
Glass Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 I am happy for you. I might be slow but, why would it be hypocritical for you to share your experiences? Are you saying it's hypocritical because you would tell him to work on his marriage?
Jinxx Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 I've read about lots of MM's who can't choose. I never experienced that, it was never about making a choice, I couldn't not be with my OW. A friend of mine is now having an A, is asking me for advice. Anything I tell him will only be hypocritical. You were willing to take a risk for true happiness. It does work out sometimes. That is wonderful. Why do you think anything you tell your friend will be hypocritcal? If anything, you'd be a great source of advice since you've already been down that path and living proof that leaving a marriage for an OW does work out.
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 he just does not know that my M began as an A. I truly feel like a hypocritical jackass even getting involved in conversations with him. Why didn't you tell him?
Author HappyAtLast Posted March 29, 2007 Author Posted March 29, 2007 I am really not sure that I even want to advise him. Firstly, I would not tell him about my W and I, how we began is no one's business but ours. While it is not something I am ashamed of, I am not proud of it either. Mainly though, it is no one's business. I guess I would have to advise him to try to fix his own marriage. I tried to fix my first marriage, unsuccessfully, prior to getting into my A.
Glass Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Some advice you can give to him- Is he asking you how your marriage began? Since no one, you said, knows how you and your W came together than I'm assuming he would not know about your affair, he would be asking about his relationships. If so, I think the purpose of him asking for advice would be because (if what you have told us is true) he sees his friend happily married and he wants to know what he is missing/ why he is going to another woman/and why your marriage is as successful as it is. And if he is going through that, you don't need to abadon him in the way where you don't talk to him about it. Going through that stress, I believe you would know how important it is to have someone to talk to. You don't have to give the details of the beginnings of your marriage (I'm afraid it might bore him to death) but you can explain how you and your wife communicates, clicks, how the sex stays enjoyable, your devotion to her, and so on. It all depends on what advice is he asking for. I assume he's not asking how to two-time two women? If you still don't feel comfortable, I understand. Sometimes just listening to people and shaking your head and saying, "mmmmhmm" helps. Or you could just say "do what you think is right" after every questiion. It seems he holds you and your opinion in esteem if he feels he can trust you with news of his affair and ask you for advice. Or you could say what you told us and that's work on your marriage. Also add, that you're not a professional therapist and seeing one might not be such a bad idea.
Guest Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Your case is very rare...EXTREMELY rare. I wouldn't recommend an EA to even my worst enemy. Divorce first...and then find the woman/man of your dreams. I am an ex OW..so I know first hand how devastating it can be to all parties involved. Someone is going to hurt...it is so unnecessary.
VinaAmez Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 What is this a success story. A cheater may not always be a cheater but there's no proof that if the same thing happend in your current marriage you wouldn't do it again. Never say never. I would advise you not to not get involved. Be glad your A worked out. Each situation is different. Your variables may not be the same as his. There's no telling if he did what you did it would work out. Tell your friend to either end his marriage and then pursue the person he's having the affair with, or end the affair and fix his marriage. Right now he's being selfish and choosing to cheat. He may think cheating is his only option if things are not going well at home - That's just an excuse. If the marriage is broken, fix it or end it. But if you must tell him something then I agree with this.
Author HappyAtLast Posted March 29, 2007 Author Posted March 29, 2007 My friend is asking me how he can have feelings for two women at once. I have no idea if that is even possible, certainly wasn't for me. I have suggested that he see a professional. And Vina whateveryournameis, never say never? LOL. I have been married to my OW longer than some of you kids have been alive. My marriage to her has been nothing like my previous one. Of course things got boring sometimes, rocky sometimes, we got preoccupied by other things sometimes. Despite all of those things, there is no one else I'd rather be with. She has me, mind, body and soul. Always has, always will. (But thanks for the advice that I should be thankful my affair worked out
RecordProducer Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 I have been reading here for the last couple of days, lots of sad stories, lots of MM bashing. I was an MM many years ago. My W was unwilling to change things in our M (not to say things were her fault, it takes two. She is a good person who was completely satisfied with things the way they were. I was not and I let her know, she chose not to try to improve things). I married my OW. For those who say "once a cheater, always a cheater" (or however that ones goes)... LOL. I dare say that I have been married to my OW for longer than most of you have been married to your spouses. I have no interest in cheating on her. She loves me and trusts me, I would never let her down. I've read about lots of MM's who can't choose. I never experienced that, it was never about making a choice, I couldn't not be with my OW. A friend of mine is now having an A, is asking me for advice. Anything I tell him will only be hypocritical.HAL, you are totally not in the MM category, except technically - precisely in terms of time. You divorced your wife. The infidelity and lies happened because of other human flaws (mostly fears, anger, and hesitance). You said yourself that it was never a matter of choice whether to stay married or be with the OW. When somebody decides to divorce and find someone else, more often than not, people don't choose the right path - first divorce then somebody else. They switch the order of events, but it's the same thing noetheless. Most cheaters have no intention to divorce their wives and had never had any serious thought about it.
VinaAmez Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 If your looking to insult me you'll need to do a better job then screwing up my name. So you've been married longer then all of us (maybe), doesn't mean it can't happen or makes you the exception. And yes there are those who have cheated and only done it once and you'll probably be one of them if you stick with it. But to say never is asinine IMO and that goes with anything.
Author HappyAtLast Posted March 30, 2007 Author Posted March 30, 2007 but, I did find your post to be a tad bit condescending. Anyway, you do make me laugh. "if I stick with it" Honey, I am far too old to be having an A with anyone. And, I am old enough to know that "your" is not the proper contraction for "you are". That would be "you're" Again, though, LOL... thanks for the vote of confidence that I may be only a one-time cheater. Assuming, of course, that I do "stick with it".
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 My friend is asking me how he can have feelings for two women at once. I have no idea if that is even possible, certainly wasn't for me. I have suggested that he see a professional. Seems like he's confusing the feelings of a crush and intense sexual attraction and lust for feeling inlove with the OW. What he has with his wife is a real relationship. The good, bad and ugly wrapped up into one. What he has with the OW is all good, and based on fantasy. It's not a 'true' relationship that involves every aspect of their lives. Neither of them have to put up with bad moods, morning breath, kids, inlaws, work and life stress. Good to hear that you suggested counselling for your friend.
VinaAmez Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 but, I did find your post to be a tad bit condescending. Anyway, you do make me laugh. "if I stick with it" Honey, I am far too old to be having an A with anyone. And, I am old enough to know that "your" is not the proper contraction for "you are". That would be "you're" Again, though, LOL... thanks for the vote of confidence that I may be only a one-time cheater. Assuming, of course, that I do "stick with it". Glad I able to amuse you.
Author HappyAtLast Posted March 30, 2007 Author Posted March 30, 2007 Whichway - This is exactly why I can't advise him. Who knows what these "crush feelings" could turn out to be. Is it worth throwing away a marriage for? I have no answers for him. I can't presume to know what his life at home is like (we are really more acquaintances than friends, truth be told). He sees us as the ideal couple. Wants to know if i have ever had those types of feelings. I have not in my current marriage, and told him so. I do not want to mislead him by telling him my story (if I were so inclined to share, which I am not). I do not advocate breaking up marriages in general and I most definitely do not want to provide him a reason to do so. edited to add: Nor do I feel comfortable coming across as this saintly old man who does not condone cheating. That's where the hypocrisy comes in.
Kenzo Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Happy, Do you and your first W have children together?
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 This is exactly why I can't advise him. Who knows what these "crush feelings" could turn out to be. Is it worth throwing away a marriage for? Only he can answer that. I mean, if he is willing to give alot up for someone he really doesn't know, and for the unknown future, he's taking a chance. And, the other thing is, he did make a commitment to his wife, so he does owe the marriage a chance to work, (especially if he has children) without having the OW in his life.
Jinxx Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Happy, Do you and your first W have children together? Does it really matter if they had children together? The bottom line is he found happiness with someone else whom he could not share with his former wife. I was a BS. I have two children with my ex-husband whom I've know forever, we were kids together. We loved each other but for whatever reason he fell in love with another woman and they are also now married -- not as long as we were but still... they seem to be truly happy with each other and I for one never thought it would last more than five years. They both proved me wrong and my children are fine with it. Was I happy about my ex-husband's affair? Hell no, I was not. I went through every emotion a BS goes through. I begged, pleaded and basically made a fool of myself. I had two young children I adored and a husband who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. With time and a lot of counselling I was able to heal and move on and realize that the man who I thought I would grow old was not meant to be. If another man or or woman has the strength to leave a marriage that is unfulling then good for them. Staying in an unhappy marriage "for the kids sake" is an excuse. People are brought together for a reason. Some marriages do break up because of an affair. Those persons involved deserve just as much as happiness as the next person. They do, they really do. You just need to be able to take a step back and look at the whole picture.
Salicious Crumb Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 LOL.... I made the mistake of saying "I can't" Biggest mistake I ever made was saying "i do".
RecordProducer Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 A cheater may not always be a cheater but there's no proof that if the same thing happend in your current marriage you wouldn't do it again. There is no proof indeed. My husband told me that he's never cheated on anyone. But he has no proof. Now I don't need it really, but I asked for a proof that he would never cheat on ME. And he failed to provide one. I am far too old to be having an A with anyone. How old is that? 47?
Author HappyAtLast Posted March 30, 2007 Author Posted March 30, 2007 Yes, one child with my first wife. He was 18 when I left. How old is too old to have A's? Let's just say I am past 70
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