Many Loves?

[Guest]

I have posted on this forum before because I got extremely jealous of my older boyfriend's exes. I'm nearly 21, he's 38 and we've been dating for a year and a half. It s a big age gap, but we really get on. I am feeling much better about his exes, although it does still niggle me. I think its because I'd never had a boyfriend before him and obviously, being a lot older, he has had many girlfriends, although none lasted very long, only one lasted longer than me and that was years ago.

 

The thing is he has told me that he told several of them that he loved them- he didnt tell me maliciously or anything, he was just explaining stuff about the way he is because he's been hurt a lot, whereas I came into the relationship completely new and unscarred and able to express myself without fear. But because I havent had any other experience, I find it hard to comprehend how someone can love so many people over the course of their life.

 

I know they can of course, its just hard to understand. Is it easy and just natural to fall head over heels again and again? Is it the same each time? Can he love me as much as the first girl or the one before me, or is it different each time? To be honest, I'd rather be the only one he'd loved, the only one he'd been with, but obviously that cant be.

 

He's been with quite a few girls, though I guess not too many considering his age. I dont know exactly, although he once told me less than 15. Its mainly the last 2 who bug me- the last one cos she was just before me, he dumped her a year before dating me because she cheated on him. The other one lives in Germany but he still speaks to her- not often at all, but it hurts when her face appears on msn when she signs in. I hate being reminded of her and he knows she bothers me but I feel it would be very unfair to ask him to stop talking to her at all.

 

He feels bad that I get jealous but there's nothing he can do and I hate making him feel guilty cos I know he's done nothing wrong and I do care about him.

 

I think this post could go under several categories in this forum. I am curious about relationships, multiple partners etc- I've never experienced this, so I dont know what goes on in people's heads. Do they still think or care about old lovers? What about if they've cheated on you? Is it possible to be friends after and not think about when you were together, but be more happy with your current partner?

 

I hate the thought that he may still think about being with his exes or remember having sex with them. I know I'm young and inexperienced- I think it worried him at first and I expect some of you may say what am I doing with him if I have all these questions and jealous feelings. I have wondered whether I should leave, get some more experience and end these jealous feelings, stop making him feel guilty.

 

But I do love him, when I go out I look at the men around and none of them appeal, none seem as good. I dont obsess all the time about his exes and I really am trying to get over it. I just feel very confused and I really dont want to hurt him because I do believe that he really does care a lot for me. Sometimes it seems like a big problem and sometimes I think I'm just being stupid. I dont have a lot of time though, cos I leave uni in June and have to think about where to live- he lives 300 miles away from my home town.

 

He said I can move in with him, so I have to think whether he's the one I truly want and if I can get over his past, or if I cant despite the fact that I care a lot about him and that we get on so well, and decide if I need more experience.

 

I feel so bad for having such jealous feelings about people who supposedly dont matter as much as me and who for the most part arnt in his life anymore. I guess its partly just possessiveness. I read something that said it was the desire for exclusivity and it seemed to fit very well- I dont like to think that everything we've done together, which has felt so special and has been the first time for me, even if its just go to the cinema with a boy, he's done with someone else.

 

I wondered if it was just because he was my first, maybe it wouldnt matter with the next if he'd had lots of girlfriends because I'd have a past too, even if it was only one. But there seem to be posts from loads of people who have had pasts themselves, some of them very colourful! And some of these people get jealous over one or two people in their partner's lives, not just a whole lot. This jealousy seems to be common then, which helps me.

 

This has been a longer post than I intended, sorry! Any input would be appreciated! feel free to answer my questions, tell me about your own experiences with your exes or your partner's exes and how you dealt with them. I know I'm young so please just dont give that 'you're young and its your first love so you dont know anything and it doesnt count anyway' crap- I've seen on other posts that teenagers get that- just because they are young and hormonal and arent used to relationships,doesnt mean that its not important to them and its not hurting or affecting them. I'd just like to benefit from your experience! Thank you!