Husband cheated

[pklm]

Hi, I'm really at a crossroads and am not sure what to do. My husband and I have been together for 10 years. Recently I started developing symptoms for an STD and pleaded with him to tell if he had been with anyone else so I had some knowledge when going into get checked out of what to say (and expect). My Dr did confirm I have been infected with an STD and it wasn't until this point my husband has come clean, telling me he slept with a prostitute while on a business trip 8 months ago.

 

Now, my first reaction was to leave, take our beautiful children and screw him financially for everything he has. We live overseas from our families so I had no hesitation in going home - telling all friends and family of what a scum he is and starting a new with my kids.

Now I have calmed down (and spent a lot of time with the Dr getting all tests done to make sure that's all he has given me), I am reconsidering my inital thoughts.

 

My husband is a very good man. I am 100% sure this is the only time he has ever cheated on me in our 10 year relationship. He is one of the best fathers I have ever seen and is a fabulous husband.

Sleeping with a prostitute, I understand it was physical and not emotional and to be honest, I think I'm ok with that. To put my life at risk and then lie about it, I can not forgive him for.

[AHIWON]

What he did was stupid but is he remorseful for what he did? Promised to never do it again and seem like he meant it? Promised to never lie to you again? For some people like me, infidelity no matter if it was emotional or not is a deal breaker. Others can live with it.

 

You may forgive him in time for the risk he placed on you. He may not have thought of that when he did it but he should have been aware of the consequences. Cheaters are selfish.

 

Good luck and stay strong. Keep posting here.

[outofdarkness]

Hi, I'm really at a crossroads and am not sure what to do. My husband and I have been together for 10 years. Recently I started developing symptoms for an STD and pleaded with him to tell if he had been with anyone else so I had some knowledge when going into get checked out of what to say (and expect). My Dr did confirm I have been infected with an STD and it wasn't until this point my husband has come clean, telling me he slept with a prostitute while on a business trip 8 months ago.

 

Now, my first reaction was to leave, take our beautiful children and screw him financially for everything he has. We live overseas from our families so I had no hesitation in going home - telling all friends and family of what a scum he is and starting a new with my kids.

Now I have calmed down (and spent a lot of time with the Dr getting all tests done to make sure that's all he has given me), I am reconsidering my inital thoughts.

 

My husband is a very good man. I am 100% sure this is the only time he has ever cheated on me in our 10 year relationship. He is one of the best fathers I have ever seen and is a fabulous husband.

Sleeping with a prostitute, I understand it was physical and not emotional and to be honest, I think I'm ok with that. To put my life at risk and then lie about it, I can not forgive him for.

The forgiveness part is really more for you, it's the forgetting that's hard. I am very leery of cheaters b/c my H cheated for 10 years, and yes, I am sure he did it w/ prostitutes at some point. Yes, we are still together, but it has taken and continues to take alot of therapy and a sincere desire on his part to change. It IS an ongoing thing w/ my H...He has to stay on his toes and know the triggers, etc...It never completely goes away. I understand that every situation is unique, but if I were you, I'd keep my eyes and ears open and don't simply take him at his word that he won't do it again. Good luck to you! It's so nice that you have choices..Well we always do, but your's sound doable!!

[Ladyjane14]

My husband is a very good man.

 

"Good men" don't give their wives a social disease and then let them fester for 8 months. That could just have easily been HIV or HepC.

 

IMHO, you'd be a fool to take him back unless a qualified psychiatric professional can vouch for his mental health. Whatever defect in his character which allowed him to disregard your very LIFE... is still there, lurking beneath the surface.

 

I'll be honest, prostitutes are 'GAME OVER' in my book. That's just nasty.

But if you feel differently about it.. it's your call. Just know that until he's addressed and repaired the character defect, you can't trust him even a little bit. True change comes from within, and not just because you're about to lose your home-deal, but rather because you REALLY want to be a better person.

 

If I were you, I'd consider separation. I couldn't take a man back under these conditions until after he had EARNED my trust back.

[whichwayisup]

If you want to try to go to marriage counselling, that would be a good start. To understand what led him (not your fault!! That was his choice) to go to a prostitute...How are things in your marriage in general? And, right now does he regret his stupid choice? Is he willing to go to counselling and gain your love, trust and respect again? IF no, then he needs to go. If yes, then take baby steps, and let him prove to you he is worthy of a chance to make things right.

 

Who knows? Maybe your marriage will be better and stronger in the long run. Though, with that being said, he needs to work on himself, fix whatever it is that made him do what he did.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[LostSoul86]

I think it's time for you to leave! I think you would be foolish to believe this is the first time he's messed around with prostitutes. Men who use them often becomes an addiction and he's probably been with more. The fact that he didn't even use a CONDOM shows lack of respect for you or your safety. He doesn't respect you if he even got a prostitute. It was premeditated when he went out and got one meaning he thought about it with no thoughts about how this would effect you or your children. It was reckless and stupid! What if he gave you HIV or AIDS!!? The man wasn't even thinking about that!! He gave you an std and the fact that he had to confess to you about it after the fact that you contracted a std means you still would have been in the dark about what happened if it wasn't for you getting tested.No telling where he's been and I'm sure the trust is broken. He also has no restraint when it comes to sex, who's not to say he won't go out and get another prostitute and have unprotected sex when he's feeling a little horny?? Do you really wanna live like that and risk your life and your children's life at the sake of his reckless behavior? You better thank god that you didn't get HIV or AIDS. Because the next time he may fool around, & he have sex with you.. you might not be so lucky! Think about your children too! They don't need two HIV infected parents in their lives. Men who go to prostitutes have serious issues that need to be address. I believe men who go to them have a sexual dependency or sex addiction, they HAVE to have sex & that means they'll do it with anyone.. even resorting to prostitutes.

[Herzen]

The STD adds a nasty overlay to the infidelity. It's one thing to cheat. Quite another to infect a loved one and not tell her for 8 months. Could I love someone who cheated on me? Yep. Been there, done that.

 

Could I love someone who infected me with an STD? No, I couldn't. It one thing to show a reckless disregard for one's marriage vows, quite another to display a reckless disregard for a spouse's physical health.

 

Finally, being a guy, I don't believe for one minute that this was the only time. I don't know where you live but almost all prostitutes in the developed world insist that their Johns wear condoms. That your husband engaged in unsafe sex tells me that this woman was not a working girl, but was, more likely, a pick-up, or more.

 

Expect more.

[RecordProducer]

"Good men" don't give their wives a social disease and then let them fester for 8 months. That could just have easily been HIV or HepC.

 

IMHO, you'd be a fool to take him back unless a qualified psychiatric professional can vouch for his mental health. Whatever defect in his character which allowed him to disregard your very LIFE... is still there, lurking beneath the surface.

 

I'll be honest, prostitutes are 'GAME OVER' in my book. That's just nasty.

But if you feel differently about it.. it's your call. Just know that until he's addressed and repaired the character defect, you can't trust him even a little bit. True change comes from within, and not just because you're about to lose your home-deal, but rather because you REALLY want to be a better person.

 

If I were you, I'd consider separation. I couldn't take a man back under these conditions until after he had EARNED my trust back.

LadyJane is NOt advising someone to work things out! (PKLM, we rarely hear LJ telling someone to split.)

 

I can't believe that someone who never ever in ten years cheated, all of a sudden got the urge to go to a hooker, ask how much it costs, agree on what he wants to be done to him, take his clothes off, do the job, and pay for it. Then came home and acted like nothing ever happened. Here's a man, a good man, a wonderful husband and father, who cheated for the first time after 9 years - and he doesn't change in any sense, he doesn't give away any sign of regret, remorse, sadness, guilt...

 

Many months pass and his wife CATCHES him, because she discovers an STD - and suddenly, he "admits" the "accident," and swears taht's the only time it happened. The truth is: that's the only time he got caught in 10 years. And it could have been something else, a real affair, several affairs, many prostitutes - but he just mentioned ONE. Why? Because he is not retarded to admit there were more.

 

He had the disease, too (unless it's HPV). I wonder how he handled it. I also wonder if he used a condom. It's not that he risked his wife's life (he risked his, as well, so that's more foolish than selfish) - it's that he lied and cheated. If he is such a good man, yet lied and cheated, than his wife ust be a monster who pushed him into it. But then, how would he be so great if she isn't good to him?

 

I think this is just another successful marriage where the husband is a cheater and the wife is clueless.

[stillafool]

Hi, I'm really at a crossroads and am not sure what to do. My husband and I have been together for 10 years. Recently I started developing symptoms for an STD and pleaded with him to tell if he had been with anyone else so I had some knowledge when going into get checked out of what to say (and expect). My Dr did confirm I have been infected with an STD and it wasn't until this point my husband has come clean, telling me he slept with a prostitute while on a business trip 8 months ago.

 

Now, my first reaction was to leave, take our beautiful children and screw him financially for everything he has. We live overseas from our families so I had no hesitation in going home - telling all friends and family of what a scum he is and starting a new with my kids.

Now I have calmed down (and spent a lot of time with the Dr getting all tests done to make sure that's all he has given me), I am reconsidering my inital thoughts.

 

My husband is a very good man. I am 100% sure this is the only time he has ever cheated on me in our 10 year relationship. He is one of the best fathers I have ever seen and is a fabulous husband.

Sleeping with a prostitute, I understand it was physical and not emotional and to be honest, I think I'm ok with that. To put my life at risk and then lie about it, I can not forgive him for.

 

It seems you have already made up your mind as to what you are going to do - STAY. I have to ask you though - if he lied about you possibly having an STD how do you really know it was a prostitute he slept with or many other women? It would seem saying it was a prostitute would take some of the weight off of him versus having to explain another woman. At any rate if he felt he had to pay for sex - what is he really in to. Also, I would imagine most prostitutes (these days) use condoms.