ruby_gloom Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 This may be true but if she just wants someone to listen to her pain or frustration that should be okay too. Yes, I personally would have bailed on the relationship a long time ago, but Walk clearly does not want to or isn't ready to, so why not just be supportive and "there" for her. I don't mean anyone specifically in this post, it's a general statement. Oh, and I totally agree with you, allina, don't get me wrong. I know I don't mind reading Walk's posts at all, even if I don't comment much (mainly because I never have anything good to say ), but I was just saying that maybe that's the reason why some posters wonder why she is still with him--because it has gone on for so long and with no evident change for the better. I don't think that people are trying to not be supportive; I just think that they would love to support Walk during the moments after she has left him even moreso. I guess they're just trying to encourage her to leave this guy if he always seems to bring more bad than good, as well as to let her know that they'll be there for her if and when she does decide to do this. But you're right in that Walk doesn't seem to be there yet. That is ultimately her decision, yes, but while offering a shoulder, I think people should also offer to help take off the blindfold. All in all, I think you're right, though.
nicki Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Walk, why he did it is good to understand if he is willing to meet your needs the next time you are upset. I think you are so amazing at analyzing the reasons behind the behavior so a relationship can address the real issues. That's great, but only if he is reciprocating that same level of understanding to you. Bottom line, for whatever reason he did it, he didn't meet your needs at the time. Needs like: a kiss, a hug, someone to sit with you and help you through feeling so badly. I'm guessing that his ego got the better of him. He felt bad for hurting you, couldn't deal with the consequence (your crying) and subsequently bailed on you....not very grown up of him. If we make a mess, we clean it up, right? He should have thought less about himself and more about what you needed right then and there. I wouldn't let him off the hook on this one. He acted badly. You needed him and he wasn't there. He's not acting like a very good boyfriend. I don't think you need to think so much about why he would do what he did. Think more about expressing to him why YOU felt so abandoned by him and his behavior. Big hug to you. I love your advice on this board and often copy your words down for later use.
Salicious Crumb Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Just a question for guys... If your gf is crying, why do you walk away? I mean really crying, balling. Because you hurt her. Maybe you're upset with her, but whatever you said she's now curled in a ball, sobbing with snot running down her nose, and obviously in a great deal of pain. Do you just not care? Do you find some kind of sick sadistic pleasure in it? Were you taught from a young age that this is appropriate behavior? Are you programmed to flee when this happens? Did you learn this type of behavior, or does it just come natural to you? No...no...no....no...no....and no. Not all men are like that. Maybe you have been picking the wrong men.
bridget_jones Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 That was just a joke. You need to loosen up a bit if you were taking that seriously. Yeah I think he was joking back. you have to understand Daniel's humor, he stated "If you women think you are good for anything besides your vaginas, then get a career or something" in another post. I hope he was joking.
DanielMadr Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Yeah I think he was joking back. you have to understand Daniel's humor, he stated "If you women think you are good for anything besides your vaginas, then get a career or something" in another post. I hope he was joking. Exact quote of my words....'If a girl want to know if she is any good without her vagina than she should do some career.' in context it should indicate not to seperate Intimacy and Connection, Sex and Love. Only place where you should be asexual is your civil life not relationship. Some girls and guys are not OK with this duality which is a mistake.
DanielMadr Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 That was just a joke. You need to loosen up a bit if you were taking that seriously. Any sentence regarding spanking is obviously a joke. Tell your Misstress to give you 3 more for not getting it.
TheSwordfish Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Just a question for guys... If your gf is crying, why do you walk away? I mean really crying, balling. Because you hurt her. Maybe you're upset with her, but whatever you said she's now curled in a ball, sobbing with snot running down her nose, and obviously in a great deal of pain. Do you just not care? Do you find some kind of sick sadistic pleasure in it? Were you taught from a young age that this is appropriate behavior? Are you programmed to flee when this happens? Did you learn this type of behavior, or does it just come natural to you? Was his before or after doing the wild thing?
Ariadne Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Just because he's sometimes nice doesn't mean he's not a jerk. Are you going to hang on to him (like I did with my ex for nine years waiting for him to change.) Good luck with that. Wished I had known then what I do now. I hope you don't wait as long as I did. Only a JERK would walk away if you're that upset. I don't care WHAT the damn context is. Someone who loves you and sees you in pain doesn't walk away no matter what. ------ I love your posts Touche!!! Ariadne
Touche Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Just because he's sometimes nice doesn't mean he's not a jerk. Are you going to hang on to him (like I did with my ex for nine years waiting for him to change.) Good luck with that. Wished I had known then what I do now. I hope you don't wait as long as I did. Only a JERK would walk away if you're that upset. I don't care WHAT the damn context is. Someone who loves you and sees you in pain doesn't walk away no matter what. ------ I love your posts Touche!!! Ariadne (Thank you, Ariadne! I hope you're doing well. You're back aren't you?)
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Walk, we can only guess. If you feel comfortable enough to explain a bit more of the circumstances surrounding his and your reactions, perhaps people can provide you with a bit more knowledgeable insights.
Pyro Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 Just a question for guys... If your gf is crying, why do you walk away? I mean really crying, balling. Because you hurt her. Maybe you're upset with her, but whatever you said she's now curled in a ball, sobbing with snot running down her nose, and obviously in a great deal of pain. Do you just not care? Do you find some kind of sick sadistic pleasure in it? Were you taught from a young age that this is appropriate behavior? Are you programmed to flee when this happens? Did you learn this type of behavior, or does it just come natural to you? Some guys really do not care. Learning to care in positive ways is something that you do learn throughout your life. Every situation requires a different reaction, so one must learn this, but in order to learn it, compromise, change, and communication must play a part and some guys are imcapable of doing any of those three. Guys have to be willing to learn.
mental_traveller Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 Just a question for guys... If your gf is crying, why do you walk away? I mean really crying, balling. Because you hurt her. Maybe you're upset with her, but whatever you said she's now curled in a ball, sobbing with snot running down her nose, and obviously in a great deal of pain. Do you just not care? Do you find some kind of sick sadistic pleasure in it? Were you taught from a young age that this is appropriate behavior? Are you programmed to flee when this happens? Did you learn this type of behavior, or does it just come natural to you? Well, you could easily reverse that question: "If the guy is walking away, obviously you have hurt him. Maybe you're upset with him, but whatever you said he's now shut down his feelings, started walking away, and is obviously in a great deal of emotional pain. Do you just not care? Do you find some kind of sick sadistic pleasure in it? Were you taught from a young age that this is appropriate behavior? Are you programmed to cry when this happens? Did you learn this type of behavior, or does it just come natural to you?" It cuts both ways. Why do you think your expression of emotional pain is more valid and important than his?
blind_otter Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 It cuts both ways. Why do you think your expression of emotional pain is more valid and important than his? i agree. just food for thought. People - men and women - express strong emotions like rage or grief very differently. That's hard to remember when you're in a pain spiral.
Author Walk Posted March 31, 2007 Author Posted March 31, 2007 all I know is he was ragging on me a bit about how far I had to walk to class, how there's no parking, how my car was going to be towed... parking sucks at the college... and I asked him (quote) "would you mind driving me to class this morning". He decided to be extremely literal in the translation. said no (long drawn out no..) he wouldn't mind. But if I wanted him to take me, then I had to say "Can you take me to class this morning". I got irritated. which irritated him i guess. He said, she said... I know you're all tired of hearing a repeat, so I'll save it for a time I really need it. I'm as sick of re-hashing the stupidity of this relationship as you guys are. tired of logically knowing I should leave, and my heart screaming that i love him. tired of thinking about how to appease his ego while feeling like i'm so god damn alone. tired of attempting to explain what the word "demeaning" means. i'm just tired........ Anyway.. contemplating something lately.... how do you determine if you're being selfish in a relationship? Lots of people don't feel they're being selfish, yet others might label them that way. So I dont' feel a person would "just know" they were being selfish. So how do we KNOW. Is being aware of the potential enough to stop it from happening if it's somethign you don't want to happen? Or do we need more motivation to not be selfish then the mere idea of being labeled selfish?
dgiirl Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 I just read a good article on insecurity. It might be a good read for you too Walk! http://smartatlove.typepad.com/annieweblog/2006/09/are_you_just_be.html
fallendisguise Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 ... and I asked him (quote) "would you mind driving me to class this morning". He decided to be extremely literal in the translation. said no (long drawn out no..) he wouldn't mind. But if I wanted him to take me, then I had to say "Can you take me to class this morning". tired of thinking about how to appease his ego while feeling like i'm so god damn alone. tired of attempting to explain what the word "demeaning" means. i'm just tired........ Anyway.. contemplating something lately.... how do you determine if you're being selfish in a relationship? ? I'm sorry Walk, but it irratates me that he wanted you to "officially" ask him. So much so in fact that after I shut down the computer I started thinking about it and had to log back on to give my two cents. You already asked him indirectly and the fact that he wanted you to ask again in a certain way IS demeaning. Does he realize this????? I'm assuming no, because you said you are tired of trying to explain what it means. I think I'm frustrated for you right now... lol. I think in order to determine if you are being selfish in a relationship, you need to take a set back and try to look at things from a different perspective. Are you primarily only thinking of YOUR feelings, best interests, wants, needs, etc.? And then, to take it a step further, are you placing YOUR feelings, best interests, wants, needs over theirs? Or vice versa, are they doing that? In my opinion, I would think that would be the best way to determine if one of the people in the relationship are being selfish or both. I think getting caught up in the day to day, it is easy to be selfish without realizing it, unless you are constantly taking that other persons feelings, wants, etc. into consideration. How do I say this correctly.... it isn't necessarily a selfishness that is intentional and is used for a purpose. It is easy to get wrapped up in the way you feel and forget how the other person may be feeling about the whole thing. In the past, I've tended to do that frequently. That's when I had to take a step back and think about how they may feel about the whole thing and at times it has shed some enlightenment and helped me to decide what is best for the both of us.
mental_traveller Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 ired of logically knowing I should leave, and my heart screaming that i love him. Sometimes you should ignore your heart and listen to your head. Sometimes it's the other way around. But I'd say in this case, you have to ignore your heart's feeling. There's a saying in poker, if you can't fold the best hand, you don't belong at the table. I think in relationships, if you can't leave someone you love, you shouldn't even begin to get involved with someone in the first place. There's this notion that if you feel love for someone, you must stay together. I used to think that but from experience I would have to disagree now. It's possible to love someone but have a toxic relationship. Far better to leave, and just get on with life until you meet someone you love who - if not being a perfect match - at least can relate to you without endless conflict and drama.
Author Walk Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 Sometimes you should ignore your heart and listen to your head. Sometimes it's the other way around. But I'd say in this case, you have to ignore your heart's feeling. There's a saying in poker, if you can't fold the best hand, you don't belong at the table. I think in relationships, if you can't leave someone you love, you shouldn't even begin to get involved with someone in the first place. There's this notion that if you feel love for someone, you must stay together. I used to think that but from experience I would have to disagree now. It's possible to love someone but have a toxic relationship. Far better to leave, and just get on with life until you meet someone you love who - if not being a perfect match - at least can relate to you without endless conflict and drama. That's really profound advice. I'm going to have to think on what you said. Thank you.. it was actually very enlightening, the way you said that. Thanks.
Sweetie2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 I wish I knew the answer to the original question... I am sorry for you, Walk, that the relationship isn't working out! I asked one of my best friends, who just happens to be male, this question, and he said that he wouldn't walk away if his GF were crying, he'd sit by her, and try to make her feel better, or talk about whatever was wrong, if she wanted to talk about it. He also said that even if she wouldn't talk about it, he'd wait till she appeared better, then try to stay around the same room, so if she needed him, he'd be there. Personally...I think that's a pretty cool answer. My BF has walked away from me once, when I was crying, but I think it was my fault. Every other time, even if I won't tell him what is wrong, he holds me, usually silently, stroking my hair, or just doing anything to try and make me feel better. I don't think it's a good sign if your boyfriend is walking away while your obviously VERY upset.... I understand that guys sometimes don't understand the female emotions, but they SHOULD be smart enough to know that we are more emotional than them (in general - or we just show it more), so we also need them to be understanding of that... I hope things work out for you, Walk, and that in the end you make whatever decision you know is best for you, with or without the current BF
Author Walk Posted April 6, 2007 Author Posted April 6, 2007 I wish I knew the answer to the original question... I am sorry for you, Walk, that the relationship isn't working out! I asked one of my best friends, who just happens to be male, this question, and he said that he wouldn't walk away if his GF were crying, he'd sit by her, and try to make her feel better, or talk about whatever was wrong, if she wanted to talk about it. He also said that even if she wouldn't talk about it, he'd wait till she appeared better, then try to stay around the same room, so if she needed him, he'd be there. Personally...I think that's a pretty cool answer. My BF has walked away from me once, when I was crying, but I think it was my fault. Every other time, even if I won't tell him what is wrong, he holds me, usually silently, stroking my hair, or just doing anything to try and make me feel better. I don't think it's a good sign if your boyfriend is walking away while your obviously VERY upset.... I understand that guys sometimes don't understand the female emotions, but they SHOULD be smart enough to know that we are more emotional than them (in general - or we just show it more), so we also need them to be understanding of that... I hope things work out for you, Walk, and that in the end you make whatever decision you know is best for you, with or without the current BF Thank you Sweetie for the kind words. That male friend of yours sounds pretty awesome. Your bf too for that matter.
Author Walk Posted April 6, 2007 Author Posted April 6, 2007 I have three weeks til I graduate. Come hell or high water, that's the one thing I'm God Damn doing. Been my dream since I was 5. If he ****s this up for me.... God help him. That's all I'm saying.
hotgurl Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 I have three weeks til I graduate. Come hell or high water, that's the one thing I'm God Damn doing. Been my dream since I was 5. If he ****s this up for me.... God help him. That's all I'm saying. Congrats walk 3 more week! You have worked so hard for this you really deserve it.
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