Do these marriages survive?

[mustbcrazy]

I have been reading a lot about infidelity (having been both a BS and now the OW) and how marriages can survive. Most of the information I read talks about how to "work through it" together. But I was wondering how many marriages survive when the BS doesn't find out about the affair...ie., the MM simply ends the affair and tries to work on his marriage. I know there are a lot of MM who feel no remorse for what they are doing, but what about the ones who know they have done wrong but don't tell the BS? Do these marriages survive with the truth being hidden?

[Jinxx]

Well I know XMM will never tell his wife and their marriage is doing just fine. Well... in their world in front of friends and family it is just fine. He wouldn't of strayed if everthing was just dandy. I do know he will never leave her and he seems pretty confident that she'll never leave either. Interesting question.

[Chapter2]

If survive means not divorce then plenty of them do. Most want more in a relationship than to just survive it. I know I do.

 

The one's that "survive" are functioning within their disfunction. Just look at the thread on the infidelity forum about "coming clean"...many say a marriage is basically a sham if you don't have full disclosure and that the WS is robbing the BS's right to make informed decisions. Fact is, most stay whether its an informed decision or not irregardless of all the "deal breakers" especially when there are kids involved.

 

I have nothing but respect for the people who make the choice to live authentically even if it is the harder road to walk.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I have nothing but respect for the people who make the choice to live authentically even if it is the harder road to walk

 

That's funny. It takes two to live authentically, not one or three.

[Chapter2]

Guess I'm not very bright because I don't get it IWWH... I live an authentic life and I am one person. If that was meant to rebuke in some way then please dumb it down for me.

 

I have nothing but respect for the people who make the choice to live authentically even if it is the harder road to walk

 

That's funny. It takes two to live authentically, not one or three.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Thought you meant in a relationship. Thought that was funny coming from OW/xOW.

[Chapter2]

No IWWH's, that was a genuine reply I made to a new thread and being an xOW does not define me. Does being a Betrayed Spouse define you? Thanks for the attempt at shaming so early in the morning. Nice.

 

Thought you meant in a relationship. Thought that was funny coming from OW/xOW.

[outofdarkness]

If survive means not divorce then plenty of them do. Most want more in a relationship than to just survive it. I know I do.

 

The one's that "survive" are functioning within their disfunction. Just look at the thread on the infidelity forum about "coming clean"...many say a marriage is basically a sham if you don't have full disclosure and that the WS is robbing the BS's right to make informed decisions. Fact is, most stay whether its an informed decision or not irregardless of all the "deal breakers" especially when there are kids involved.

 

I have nothing but respect for the people who make the choice to live authentically even if it is the harder road to walk.

I agree that not telling is "robbing" the BS of making informed decisions about their own future...This is a biggie w/ me. Also, I don't think you can move forward w/ a healthy M if there are things that are being "stuffed" and guilt is involved. I agree that some MM feel no remorse, but this really is in my opinion, the exception rather then the rule. It eats most of them up and just festers, thereby adversely effecting the M, if only down the road at some point. If I were an MM, I sure as he-- wouldn't want to take the chance that the OW(s) would tell at some point.

 

Ultimately, it's great if the CS can come clean themselves, but often it's the OW or someone else who tells. Whoever tells, the BS needs to know, in my opinion, in order for the M to "survive" and/or become a healthy one...Also, I firmly believe that a person ALWAYS gets caught in a lie. It might be today, tomorrow or 20 years from now, but it DOES happen...

[IfWishesWereHorses]

No IWWH's, that was a genuine reply I made to a new thread and being an xOW does not define me. Does being a Betrayed Spouse define you? Thanks for the attempt at shaming so early in the morning. Nice.

 

 

My actions define me not the actions of others. I was not shaming you just pointing out what seemed to me to be an inconsistancy. I believe I said that is was funny (as in ironic) not shame on you. Your capacity for shame is none of my concern nor do I have a need to shame others.

[Chapter2]

I agree OOD, guilt is a thief, no question. Resentment builds and it contaminates everything.

 

Also, I don't think you can move forward w/ a healthy M if there are things that are being "stuffed" and guilt is involved. I agree that some MM feel no remorse, but this really is in my opinion, the exception rather then the rule. It eats most of them up and just festers, thereby adversely effecting the M, if only down the road at some point.

 

Also, I firmly believe that a person ALWAYS gets caught in a lie. It might be today, tomorrow or 20 years from now, but it DOES happen...

 

I also agree that everything comes out in the wash. Lies are revealed in ways people never imagined they would be but they are definitely revealed.

[Chapter2]

Good to know. My actions define me as well that's why I would never define myself as an xOW or a BS. I'm so much more than that.

 

As far as pointing out inconsistencies...I find it funny as in ironic that you would point out any.

 

My actions define me not the actions of others. I was not shaming you just pointing out what seemed to me to be an inconsistancy. I believe I said that is was funny (as in ironic) not shame on you. Your capacity for shame is none of my concern nor do I have a need to shame others.

[PoshPrincess]

I agree that not telling is "robbing" the BS of making informed decisions about their own future...

 

I don't know that I agree with this. I used to think that honesty was the best policy. Of course, if a M genuinely isn't working (which would mainly be the case if an outside A was going on) then things need to be discussed. Putting myself in the position of a M/LTR I think that if my partner cheated, it was a one off, he seriously regretted it and honestly wanted to make a proper go of our R, then I would rather not know about the A. Of course, the chances always are that you could discover it at a later date I suppose, or hear it from someone else. It's not black and white is it?

 

Also, I don't think you can move forward w/ a healthy M if there are things that are being "stuffed" and guilt is involved. I agree that some MM feel no remorse, but this really is in my opinion, the exception rather then the rule. It eats most of them up and just festers, thereby adversely effecting the M, if only down the road at some point. If I were an MM, I sure as he-- wouldn't want to take the chance that the OW(s) would tell at some point.

 

I agree but sometimes think that the guilt can subside (although I haven't had personal experience of this). Some don't feel guilty, some try and justify their actions. I think some people are just better at compartmentalising their lives than others.

[Jinxx]

Also, I don't think you can move forward w/ a healthy M if there are things that are being "stuffed" and guilt is involved. I agree that some MM feel no remorse, but this really is in my opinion, the exception rather then the rule. It eats most of them up and just festers, thereby adversely effecting the M, if only down the road at some point. If I were an MM, I sure as he-- wouldn't want to take the chance that the OW(s) would tell at some point.

 

 

I often wonder how guilty XMM really does feel. I highly doubt if he feels any remorse. And I don't really think he feels any guilt. Appearances to him are everything -- the happy family, the happy marriage, keeping up with the Jones', etc... the list goes on and on. To an outsider, they have the "perfect" marriage. Now we know there is no perfect marriage so in reality I guess he is just a very arrogant, selfish, selfish man.

[Meaplus3]

I agree that not telling is "robbing" the BS of making informed decisions about their own future...This is a biggie w/ me. Also, I don't think you can move forward w/ a healthy M if there are things that are being "stuffed" and guilt is involved. I agree that some MM feel no remorse, but this really is in my opinion, the exception rather then the rule. It eats most of them up and just festers, thereby adversely effecting the M, if only down the road at some point. If I were an MM, I sure as he-- wouldn't want to take the chance that the OW(s) would tell at some point.

 

Ultimately, it's great if the CS can come clean themselves, but often it's the OW or someone else who tells. Whoever tells, the BS needs to know, in my opinion, in order for the M to "survive" and/or become a healthy one...Also, I firmly believe that a person ALWAYS gets caught in a lie. It might be today, tomorrow or 20 years from now, but it DOES happen...

 

outofdarkness,

 

I really like what you said here. Being that I did disclose the detail's of my E/A to my H. Now H know's what I did, so much of the guilt is gone. By telling my H it helped me put so much into perspective. I do wonder how a MM can live happily ever after with their spouses after knowing they had an affair. It still astound's me so much that a MM who claim's to love his spouse so very much, could even keep such dishonesty from them. I realize that their is much hurt when we tell our spouse's about an affair, but I think it's the right thing to do inorder to try and fix the marriage. For the MM that don't tell, I think it's because they desire to continue on with keeping secrets from their spouse and if that's the case it indicates to me that there is not a whole lot of genuine love in their marriage. Just my OP.

 

AP:)

[serial muse]

I think that yes, they can survive - but I also tend to agree with this:

 

The ones that "survive" are functioning within their disfunction. Just look at the thread on the infidelity forum about "coming clean"...many say a marriage is basically a sham if you don't have full disclosure and that the WS is robbing the BS's right to make informed decisions.

 

Something led the wayward partner to act out - whether it was a character flaw or an act of desperation or an inability to communicate properly or whatever - and if that issue isn't addressed directly, has anything really improved? Can the wayward partner be so sure they won't be tempted to act out again? I just don't know.

 

I do know of one couple that has survived infidelity quite successfully - a close married friend of mine had an EA and, briefly, a PA, with another man. That has since ended, and she threw herself into her marriage and they're very happy now. Her husband doesn't know; he was aware that something was going on at the time, but I don't think he ever thought she would have an affair. I don't think she thought of herself as having an affair, until after the fact when she was dealing with the fallout.

 

At any rate, it has worked out for them, and it's great to see them so happy now.

 

But I admit - I love my friend, but I wouldn't want to be her husband. I just wouldn't. This is my own personal preference. I cannot say whether, given the choice, he would rather know or not know, since, well, he doesn't. I don't know what will happen if he ever finds out. All I can say is that, for myself - I'd rather know what's going on, I'd rather be in the loop, I'd rather feel like an active than a passive partner. That's just the kind of relationship I'd rather have.

[outofdarkness]

I agree that not telling is "robbing" the BS of making informed decisions about their own future...

 

I don't know that I agree with this. I used to think that honesty was the best policy. Of course, if a M genuinely isn't working (which would mainly be the case if an outside A was going on) then things need to be discussed. Putting myself in the position of a M/LTR I think that if my partner cheated, it was a one off, he seriously regretted it and honestly wanted to make a proper go of our R, then I would rather not know about the A. Of course, the chances always are that you could discover it at a later date I suppose, or hear it from someone else. It's not black and white is it?

 

Also, I don't think you can move forward w/ a healthy M if there are things that are being "stuffed" and guilt is involved. I agree that some MM feel no remorse, but this really is in my opinion, the exception rather then the rule. It eats most of them up and just festers, thereby adversely effecting the M, if only down the road at some point. If I were an MM, I sure as he-- wouldn't want to take the chance that the OW(s) would tell at some point.

 

I agree but sometimes think that the guilt can subside (although I haven't had personal experience of this). Some don't feel guilty, some try and justify their actions. I think some people are just better at compartmentalising their lives than others.

You hit the nail on the head that it's not black and white...Each situation is unique...But it IS hard not to give general advice given that we really don't know what exactly has transpired...This is a forum, and it's hard to make a clear cut call when you really don't know the person first hand and their particular situation...

 

You hit the nail again when saying that some are REALLY good at compartmentalizing. My H was one of the best...BUT IMO, this can change too...w/ LOTS of work and a clear recognition and awareness of the problem...AND, believe me...you'd most likely want to know...

[outofdarkness]

I often wonder how guilty XMM really does feel. I highly doubt if he feels any remorse. And I don't really think he feels any guilt. Appearances to him are everything -- the happy family, the happy marriage, keeping up with the Jones', etc... the list goes on and on. To an outsider, they have the "perfect" marriage. Now we know there is no perfect marriage so in reality I guess he is just a very arrogant, selfish, selfish man.

Yep...this is certainly true when they are in the throws of it...WHEN, NOT IF they are "outed", they show their true colors...Some will just keep on keepin on, others will try to change their ways and realize what's really important to them..whatever that may be...As we all know, sometimes they're successful in their endeavors, sometimes they're not..

[outofdarkness]

Thanks answerplease37! It's always nice to hear that...:)