HurtandLost Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Its been about 10 weeks now and I am starting to feel like I did at the beginning of the breakup. I have not called her and kept absolutely no contact with her for these past 10 weeks. The only thing is that every time I have spare time I begin to think about her. I have tried taking advice about keeping myself busy and began working 2 jobs and workout when I have spare time. I feel good about myself and the way I look, but I feel sooooo empty without her. The thing is that our relationship wasn't very good towards the end, but i still cared for her very deeply. I've been trying to do new things, but that only seems to temporarily numb me. I haven't tried writing down my feelings that is why I am here right now. I am trying to find some help or some sort of advice that can keep me going. I had a slip today and ended up calling her privately, but went straight to her voicemail. (which is a good thing because now she won't have any missed calls or any assumptions that i called her). I also slipped up even more when I looked at her bank account. While we were dating we had each others accounts and access to basically anything. I hadn't looked at it in the longest time which i should of kept that way, but i came to realize that she has to be dating someone by now. Everywhere she spends money she is spending for 2..........that really sucks to see.....I don't know im just looking for some sort of suppport. sorry this is long i just don't know where else to turn.... Oh yeah one question....would it be wierd if i called her after 10 weeks or should i continue with no contact. I just feel like she looked at me as a desperate person which she didn't want to be with anymore. I want to change that image of me or at least see that i am not that desperate person anymore.....
Kelso Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Hang in there, and stop look at the bank accounts...it's just wrong Don't worry though. In the healing process you always step one step backwards for every two steps you step forward. It would be kind of strange if you would call your ex now, 10 weeks after your breakup. Especially if you haven't heard anything from her. My ex broke up with me about five months ago and I still sometimes think about calling her. But I always wait for an hour to do so. By doing that I can make rational decision, not based on my feelings. That's why I haven't called her once since the breakup. It gets easier my good man, but it will probably take some more time. In the meantime, just log on to LS and get the pressure of your chest, it realle helps.
polywog Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Dear H&L, I know how you feel because I'm in the same boat. You are just having such a rotten setback becasue you're reeling from the clues that she might be seeing another. I say "might" becasue you're interpreting as your worst fear where in fact she could just be hanging around more with her girlfriends now that you're no longer together, or family, or perhaps dating a few guys casually now and then. If she is already "involved", it's probably a rebound because 10 weeks is nothing to move on healthily to a serious relationship; she needs to get over it, too, even though she left you. You'll get through this, as I am getting through a similar situation, and all of us here have. It sucks, but it does end and we'll heal. You're going through a rough patch. As for calling her and breaking NC, don't do it now while you're hurting, please. You'll be too raw and vulnerable and nothing will be gained. Maybe someday when you do feel stronger and feel like processing some stuff with her to help yourself with this it would be OK, but now you're wanting to prove something to her, and you don't need to be doing that. Take care dear H&L.
Ssheena Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Agreed. Don't call, don't email, don't look at the bank statements. She could be going out to lunch or dinner or whatever with a friend too - why would she be paying for the other person all the time if it was a relationship/dating? Unless of course, they are taking turns as in I'll buy this dinner, you get the next etc.. You know what they say about ass u me (ing). You will change her opinion of you (not that it should matter to you - it's her loss - remember that..her loss) by continuing just the way you are, not contacting her, etc. and not being desperate. Good luck!
neiu Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Don't know how long you guys were together for but its irrelevant to the fact that the breakup can still hurt and still feel fresh. Regardless you have to get rid of everything that you own that reminds you of her. If not throwing it away or burning it atleast put it in a box and hide it or give it to a very trustworthy friend to hide. In the end you'll probably not want the box cause you'll end up being with someone new but as for now you have to force yourself not to keep tabs on this girl and when you get those urges to do something find something else to do quick. Go for a walk, or just do something active to keep your mind from it. There's no secret to dealing with this except for time. But you have to allow yourself to detox yourself from it. Hard to hear but it's like a bad habit that's hard to break and it will take all your will power to be free again. If anything, they're not going to notice until you have moved on with your life which is kinda dumb but it isn't till that moment do they realize that you are that person they want to be with again. Bt by then it'll be too late for them as you have moved on and in the end it probably is for the best. Dating is just part of the living and learning process and there's no point in being hung up about one girl when there are so many great one's out there that you have a chance with. But being bummed out about this one, well those chances won't happen. We're all pulling for you here but the only person who can really make a difference is you. We can give you all the advice in the world but if you can't act upon it then there's not much we can do for you. You will end up doing whatever your heart tells you to do. Use your head, think what is best for yourself.
Guest Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 There's no secret to dealing with this except for time. But you have to allow yourself to detox yourself from it. Hard to hear but it's like a bad habit that's hard to break and it will take all your will power to be free again. thats the best way to put it right there.
David H Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Its been about 10 weeks now and I am starting to feel like I did at the beginning of the breakup. I have not called her and kept absolutely no contact with her for these past 10 weeks. The only thing is that every time I have spare time I begin to think about her. You need to detach emotionally -- let go! This is a good place to start understanding detachment: http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm Oh yeah one question....would it be wierd if i called her after 10 weeks Then you'd be back to square one again and the 10 weeks of agony will have been for nothing... I just feel like she looked at me as a desperate person which she didn't want to be with anymore. I want to change that image of me or at least see that i am not that desperate person anymore..... To address that, do "a 180" for your own sanity (to allow yourself to heal): http://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/divorce/no_contact.asp http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11 David
thatmatt Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 David, excellent link posted at coping.org. Reading though it really put me in a great place, very at ease about a situation I was so high strung over a little while ago. Going through all the points and looking at my past relationship, it makes me feel alot better about myself as a good person. Now if only I could sent it to my ex and have her fill out some of the checklists!!!! Hurtandlost, hang in there. Just remember that time spent obsessing over her is time wasted. I'm around the 10 week mark too, so you are definitly not alone. Just hang in there, I definitly recommend looking through that coping.org site.
Shadowdog36 Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 That last part of the original post made me need to say this. I had the same feelings...how can she know that I changed if I don't contact her and show her??? You gotta realize the flaws in that line of thinking: 1...She doesn't care 2...She Doesn't Care and 3...SHE DOESN'T CARE Keep telling yourself this over and over. If she's with someone else right now, you're the last thing on her mind, and ANY contact from you will be viewed by her as an annoyance. ANY attempt to show her the 'new' you will be viewed as a form of manipulation/begging/desperation and will have the complete opposite effect that you're looking for. I won't tell you the same thing that most everyone else on here will. I'd never tell you to never contact her again, or to move on and forget about her. I will say this...any conversation that you attempt to have with her, that you initiate, that has anything to do with your relationship, will push her away. I know it sucks and I know that there are a million things that you want/need/have to say, but come on here and say it to us. Write the letters, but don't send them. I got a really good piece of advice when I was going thru this. Write the letter, and if you really have to send it, send it tomorrow when you've had some distance from the emotion that writing it brought up. Re-read it, then decide if you still want to send it. The best way that I do it...I think about her worst possible reaction to me spilling my guts to her..."Fine!" or "OK! Are you done yet?!?" Could I handle that type of reaction to my face, and still maintain my composure? What would her feelings be about me, even if I weren't there, if she does react that way? You know what to do....
D-Lish Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Hey there, One thing to keep in mind is that, while keeping busy is important... it's also important to deal with your feelings. If you had a broken limb, but didn't get it taken care of, you'd be stuck with an unhealed limb the rest of your life. The same is true with feelings. If you ignore how you feel, then you will always be stuck with unresolved crap. Don't look at the bank accounts though- it's an invasion of privacy, and also a sure way to make you feel worse.
empty906 Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 I had a slip today and ended up calling her privately, but went straight to her voicemail. (which is a good thing because now she won't have any missed calls or any assumptions that i called her). Oh yeah one question....would it be wierd if i called her after 10 weeks or should i continue with no contact. I just feel like she looked at me as a desperate person which she didn't want to be with anymore. I want to change that image of me or at least see that i am not that desperate person anymore..... You immediately had regrets when you called today and got lucky with voicemail catching your call and her phone not telling on you when she finally came back into service. That regret would be considerably more if she were to find out you are the struggling one here. Nothing will be worse than hearing that she is fine as you spill your heart about how you haven't been. I have made the stupid phone calls, the emails, the texts. Don't do it. Ever. Man, you feel like such an idiot afterwards and that feeling is worse than the heartache you are dealing with now which will still be there after you called her anyways. The call isn't going to make ANY pain go away.
David H Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 David, excellent link posted at coping.org. Reading though it really put me in a great place, very at ease about a situation I was so high strung over a little while ago. Going through all the points and looking at my past relationship, it makes me feel alot better about myself as a good person. Ok, glad it was of use. The whole of the coping site is immensely practical... David
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