Guest Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Ok so we had 5 months in a relationship, a year of FWB (stupid stupid mistake) then he told me 2 months ago he had met someone else and we are now on day 48 of NC. My head knows this relationship has long past its sell-by-date so why does my heart still believe he is the ONE. A few days ago I was almost happy - a little sad to have lost him but felt my life was better for knowing him, and I was content and moving forward so why for the last 48 hours have I cried and cried and stared at my phone willing a text to come through. Why has he been in my head 24/7. Why now ? There's nothing special, no birthday or anniversary. The desire to break NC is huge but it's day 48. To go back to day 1 after all this time. What a waste. Please can someone tell me - is it usual to drop back to this level of NOT coping after all this time? And where do you find the energy to keep diverting your mind to things other than HIM. Thanks
Ormolu611 Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 How/why did the 5 month relationship come to an "end?"
waitingforlove Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Guest, Yes, it's normal. When my last ex broke up with me about 13 months ago, it came as a shock to me, and I kept crying for at least five months! Of course, throughout those five months, there were times when I felt better and thought I was "ready to move on," times when I wondered about the possibility of a second chance, times when I was happy that at least it had happened, times when I thought I found out more about myself because of the relationship, and then there were times when I was completely down in the pit all over again! It comes and goes. Four and a half months after the break up, I found myself completely lost again, hurting like hell, and at that point he decided that we should not even stay in touch as friends anymore, as "it was proving difficult for us to have a friendship," as he said in his final email to me. It was devastating. I kept wondering whether I was really so "worthless." Then a few weeks later, I realized from talking to other people who had been through similar situations that my ex was a "passive aggressive man" and therefore he would ALWAYS treat everything as my fault and the relationship would have never worked. At that point, I finally let go. But you know what?! Even these days, I still sometimes think of him. The pain is gone and I am 99% certain that we would never get back together again, especially since we don't live in the same city anymore. But there are still some times when I would wonder what "could have been." Healing takes a very long time. The pain doesn't just go further and further away from you every day. It comes back sometimes, and then it goes again. As a result, sometimes we might feel like we are "two steps backward (from the pain), and one step forward again." That's completely normal. I'm so sorry you are in so much pain right now. But trust me -- it will get better as time goes by. One of the most painful things about breakup -- is NOT the breakup itself, but the fact that sometimes breakups make us feel worthless and take away our self-esteem. Therefore, you must re-establish your self image and confidence. That way, you'll move on more easily and the pain will go away faster. Take care of yourself -- that's how you'll find your energy that enables you to take your mind off him. Hope you'll feel better soon!
Guest Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 How/why did the 5 month relationship come to an "end?" The reason he gave at the time was that although he loved me our relationship was too close to the end of his previous relationship (about 2 months) and he hadn't had time to sort himself out after that. (plus the fact that she was still around because they needed to sell the house and split up furniture etc). We met up again after 5 months, but if I'm honest the spark had gone. We stayed as FWB for another 6 months and I suppose I always knew it wasn't going to work out, however much I wanted it too. I just wouldn't admit it because I still cared so much about him. Throughout all this we have always been friends, we have never had any arguments. When one of us has been really down we have always been there for each other by text or email if we can't meet. The friendship is what I miss the most. We had a long chat after he told me about meeting someone else. He explained that we hadn't worked because, for him, our relationship as lovers wasn't quite right, something was missing. I have to accept that - goodness knows how many men I have thought are "nice" but just not right for me as a partner. If I could turn off the emotional side, I'm sure we could be friends again, but I'm not going to push that - if we bump into each other in two years time and get on then we'll probably stay in touch. If we don't then so be it. At the moment I don't want to know where he is, what he's doing, or who he's with. I hope he's well and I hope he's happy, but I don't want the details. That's the only way I'll cope. Given time I'll be OK!
Guest Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Guest, At that point, I finally let go. But you know what?! Even these days, I still sometimes think of him. The pain is gone and I am 99% certain that we would never get back together again, especially since we don't live in the same city anymore. But there are still some times when I would wonder what "could have been." Healing takes a very long time. The pain doesn't just go further and further away from you every day. It comes back sometimes, and then it goes again. As a result, sometimes we might feel like we are "two steps backward (from the pain), and one step forward again." That's completely normal. I'm so sorry you are in so much pain right now. But trust me -- it will get better as time goes by. Thank you. I am going to copy this to a file on my computer and read it everyday. It will give me hope on bad days.
Guest Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 How/why did the 5 month relationship come to an "end?" Ormolu611 I forgot to say in the last post that he told me the relationship was over on the day I thought he was coming over to get my stuff so we could move in together. (I know that seems fast but we're not young and I thought we were old enough to know what we wanted). I woke up that morning thinking my life was going to change because I was moving in with my new man and went to bed knowing my life had changed because he had left me.
panthera_leo Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Oh boy do i remember this stage! Just when everything is going smoothly, all of a sudden you start to feel like you're taking steps backwards. IMO this is a good stage. Its part of the healing process unfortunately, it shows that you are infact moving on, when in reality you dont feel like it. Yeah it sucks but just remember every day gets better. My way of taking my mind off him was to be around people all the time. However, at the beginning of my breakup i just wanted to be alone. If you dont feel like you want to socialise, maybe you should try some simple reprogramming! Sounds weird but you can program your brain not to think of him. Like... whenever you think of him, pinch yourself and instantly revert your mind to something you enjoy doing. Have a list of 3 things you enjoy or 3 people you love (not your ex ) by your side and focus on them whenever your mind drifts to him. It does work! You'll get there in the end!
Guest Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 Oh boy do i remember this stage! Just when everything is going smoothly, all of a sudden you start to feel like you're taking steps backwards. IMO this is a good stage. Its part of the healing process unfortunately, it shows that you are infact moving on, when in reality you dont feel like it. Yeah it sucks but just remember every day gets better. My way of taking my mind off him was to be around people all the time. However, at the beginning of my breakup i just wanted to be alone. If you dont feel like you want to socialise, maybe you should try some simple reprogramming! Sounds weird but you can program your brain not to think of him. Like... whenever you think of him, pinch yourself and instantly revert your mind to something you enjoy doing. Have a list of 3 things you enjoy or 3 people you love (not your ex ) by your side and focus on them whenever your mind drifts to him. It does work! You'll get there in the end! Panthera leo Thanks for your message. I hope it does get better. At the moment I seem to swing between being angry at him (though he did nothing wrong) then I get sad, then there is the complete inability to accept that I will probably never see him again. That bit seems really hard - we've always sent a text to each other when we feel lonely or upset and always managed to cheer each other up (it's our same stupid sense of humour) and I really miss that. Re diverting my brain - I have two tactics, one is to sing a song, a nursery rhyme, anything and really concentrate on the words. It works as long as I'm not too tired, then it's just easier to think of him - which always end in tears. The second (which is useful if I feel myself wanting to break NC) is to think how I would feel if someone I had split up with kept bugging me, especially once I had a new partner. My first boyfriend did that - he refused to go away and it got so he really annoyed me. Well here's to a brighter future........
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