shoesies05 Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 So there is this guy im totally into. We have been friends since i moved to San Diego and we arent close friends, but we are in the same "group" that chills together. Anyways, we normally hang out on the weekends with everyone and i really like the guy. Im still not totally over my ex though, and im not really looking for a relationship right now because I'm just not ready for that yet. Well me and him have made out once and then we had sex once. Oddly enough we are totally normal around eachother and i dont feel weird or akward around him. But we havent even dated, we just have hooked up and i want to date him though. He said he isnt really looking for a relationship right now, and this is same for me. But then i also do want to be in a relationship with him. Im confused, i dont like guys too often so of course im totally smitten. And he's a good guy, not a player, and like so i just dont know wut to do with me and him. Wut do you guys think i should do? continue to just be kind of friends with benefits or just friends or should like i make a move on him? Wait? wut... please let me know! <3 thanks
amaysngrace Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 My current relationship started out as a FWB arrangement, sort of. It's to where we are now exclusively BF and GF. I had a hard time not feeling used by him from time to time I must admit. And at times I fell back on the FWB mentality myself and would alleviate myself of the responsibilty of giving him the respect he deserves. But for the most part it's grown into something I never thought would happen. And to tell you the truth, it is the most healthy, loving and satisfying relationship of my life.
norajane Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 If you really like him and would like to date him at some point, do not do FWB. It will get you started off on the wrong foot, there are all kinds of things that can go wrong and build up resentments and anxieties and tensions, and that will jeopardize any dating future you might have. Stay friends, but leave the sex part out of it. Let the sexual tension build between you - it's more fun that way! - and if one day you both want a relationship, you can do it with an open heart without past resentments getting in the way.
dropdeadlegs Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 A FWB relationship only works when both parties want nothing more than that. I sounds like you like this guy too much to continue that way. I agree that it is easier to maintain this kind of relationship when you know that the person is totally not right for in almost all other ways. I only did this once, for 15 months. We were friends before, and have been able to be friends afterwards. I entered into this, even suggested it myself, after divorcing but not being ready for anything serious. It worked pretty well for me, but having sexual intimacy can at times make you feel there is something more to it. You have to let your brain rule and keep your heart very distant. Sometimes that is hard, even when you KNOW that it would never work as a true relationship. I care very much for this man, we share deep thoughtful conversation on many subjects and often enjoyed events (sporting and concert events) on many occasions, but we had very different goals in life for the most part. I can't say that our attraction was purely physical, but I knew at all times that he was not a good match for me on almost every level. If you choose this path, you must keep your heart out of it to avoid being hurt. Not many women are able to pull this off handily. I never could have done it when I was younger. I think my heart had to harden and grow colder for it to have worked at all. Sure, some may turn into good relationships, but I think that is the exception more than the rule.
fallendisguise Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 My honest opinion? Stop the FWB. I did the same thing with a good friend of mine. Same scenario too... I didn't want a relationship nor did he. He was a nice guy, not a player. I thought I could pull the FWB off because I didn't think I would develop feelings and I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and didn't want another one. Long story short, I fell for him and 2 1/2 years later, I am just now walking away. It hurts like hell. At least one person is going to get attached and want more and you already sound like you are headed down that path. Maybe he could change his mind, but let him change his mind without you being FWB and hurting yourself in the process. If he is telling you straight up he doesn't want a relationship, then believe him. He doesn't want one and at least he isn't the type of guy to lead you on. So in other words, don't give him the benefits of a relationship (sex) without having one. You will short change yourself. Become better friends and get to know each other without the benefits and if he comes around, great. If he doesn't, at least you didn't break your own heart in the process of figuring it all out. Sorry for the bluntness, but let him figure out what a wonderful person you are without letting him have his cake and eat it too.
polywog Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 In my experience FWB has always ended with someone being hurt. I've only done it when I was the one who set that rule, and I hurt some very nice guys in the process, and regret it. I only did it when I knew for sure that I had no real interest other than the sex, because I was too chicken to take the risk of being the one hurt. I'd never have done it with a guy I was interested in a romantic relationship with.
Author shoesies05 Posted March 30, 2007 Author Posted March 30, 2007 Hey, Thanks for all the great advice. I will stop being FWB with him, because clearly its not a good idea. It's going to be hard not to do anything with him, but i'll try because i don't want to end up hurt. and it seems you all are right and thats the road i would be going down. I've got enough pain right now over my ex, i don't need it over him. So friends WITHOUT benefits it is. thank you all so much for all your wonderful and caring advice.
fallendisguise Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 I am glad that you are choosing not to have FWB with him. I know that it's hard not to. But, it is not a good idea and I am very happy that you realize that. Like I said before, I was in that same situation. I talked to a lot of guy friends about that and pretty much every single one said that guys are "lazy". Once they have the prize, they don't need to make the effort to make it more. I know that sounds awful, but through out the 2 1/2 years I spent doing it, the guy never made an effort to make it more, knowing that it made me miserable to only be FWB. And in all actuality, I treated him better than any of his ex's did and we were very compatible, but why would he commit to a relationship when I was already giving him the benefits of one without the commitment? I would hate to see you put yourself throught that kind of misery, especially with you still getting over an ex. If anything, work on getting over your ex while getting to know this other guy better. Let him chase you and if he doesn't, he isn't worth your precious time.
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