messed-mind Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 This is more a vent than anything, but any thoughts are welcome. Sorry it's long but it's pretty insane. This girl is 19. Ok, setting the scene from the past: I was seeing a girl for 5 months. The sex life was brilliant and we spent quite a bit of casual time together, which suited me because i exited a long termer about 3 months before i met her. She seemed really into me, telling me i had a body to die for, sent me kinky texts and suggestive picture messages. But about 4 weeks into the relationship, she "disappeared" getting in touch with me a few days later. It transpires that she suffers from some sort of anxiety type attacks (I has asked was there anyone else, but she firmly said there wasn't) and that she liked me very much. About a week following that, she called it all off, saying that I wasn't treating her like a girlfriend and that she realised she's young and that she needs to be on her own for a while. I left her to it, then she initiated the "be friends" line saying that she wanted to be with me, but that she needed to "fix herself" before getting into anything. She was seeking help from a family friend who is a doctor. Then, she got in touch a week or so later towards Christmas suggesting that we do have a relationship and that we be gf/bf. We met each other's parents, spent some lovely time together, again the sex was good. She seemed very happy, everything was good. New year came and went (we did separate things) and we got together at the beginning of Jan (went out for the day, went for lunch, went shopping). But she started to exhibit a sort of "clamming up", she wasn't that keen on holding my hand or being hugged. She was going to stay at my place that night but then she appeared to have an anxiety attack, started crying and said "i feel like im trapped in my head, like i need to get out, i need to sort this out and i need to do it by myself, on my own". She then stormed out of my flat, ranting at me (her personality shifted immensely) saying that she was unreliable, i deserved a much better person that her, that she was just useless as a girlfriend etc. I never made her feel this way, it seemed to be pouring out of her. She said she needed space, space to be by herself. By this time I was scouring the web and could only find the symptoms typical of anxiety. We spoke about it and she said that I was the only person triggering these events, and that previous boyfriends had never triggered these attacks. She attributed it to the fact that she likes me very very much, and that's what was making it so hard for her. Everytime we got close, she seemed to pull away or freak out. Once again, I left her to it, presuming it was over as she asked for space. She got in contact yet again, told me she was missing me and that she wanted to see me. We went to the cinema, but the coldness of not wanting to hold my hand was still there, we had a lovely night but the cold shoulder attitude was on my mind. I expected that she wanted to pick things back up again, so again I started to pursue her as my girlfriend. It's worth pointing out that the sex life had dried up by this point, she said that she just wasn't there in her mind, but that once she sorted her libido she would want to have sex with me. I was falling in love with her by this point, so the lack of sex didn't bother me. Her birthday came and went, she sent me texts all night of her birthday telling me she wanted to cozy up to me and that she had a good night. Everything was starting to go well. Then the "i need space" happened again, this time she sent me an email telling me that maybe we need to accept that we're incompatible as people, and that all the good times we spent together were good, but "probably because it was just like we were friends". She told me she loved me, but told me that perhaps i should find someone else, that i deserved better than her (like she said before). Yet again, I accepted it was over and left her alone. A few days later, she IM'd to say that she was going mad not speaking to me, but that we agreed that she had to sort her anxiety out or we would ruin things forever. She went away to new york for a few days, then called me from NYC because she was missing me so much and couldn't wait to see me. She got back just before Valentine's day and brought me back a pile of presents telling me she loved me and that i had her heart. Things were looking really good again. Then, a bomb shell was dropped. Her ex from a year ago (after he dumped her) got back in touch wanting her back. She was really confused by this and then ended it again. She didn't know what she wanted to do, but that she couldn't be with either of us. I let it go (AGAIN), but then she caught sight of me with another girl and she made her mind up that she wanted to be with me. I took her back and we gave it another shot, it was going really well, spending some lovely nights in (she's skint just now) infront of the TV and having a real laugh together. Recently: Things started going really well, but still this underlying "blowing cold" behavior was lingering. She wouldn't really let me hug her, or hold her hand, or even kiss her now. I found this really weird and it was really pissing me off now, considering she decided how much she missed me, she loved me and told her ex to take a hike so she could be with me. As she opened up to me on a bf/gf level, she started to tell me she was generally an unhappy person and has been for a while (she cried along with this). She feels isolated at home, she feels very unhappy, she doesn't sleep properly and is fatigued all the time, she binge eats, she doesn't know what to do with her life, she has anxiety, her behavior is impulsive, she can't seem to remember much of last week, or can't make arrangements in the future, she thinks very negatively, she has violent mood swings and often lashing out and saying twisted things at that time, feels guilty. She's also falsely very friendly on the outside to people, but behind closed doors she's this opposite person. It turns out she's suffering from (not diagnosed yet) depression (her grandmother and mother both have it - living with her mother is very hard at times) and I told her she needed to see someone about it, but that I was there for her and cared for her and she could talk to me whenever she wanted to. I sent her a cute card through the post saying "i know things are hard just now, but just a card to say that i care and im here for you, that i love you". We carried on the relationship, seeing one another a couple of times a week. I let her call all the shots - she never arranged to do things in advance more than a week, she always called me up impulsively and wanted to see me. I tried to discourage her by saying "are you sure you don't just want to have a quiet one in yourself?". To which she said "no no, it's fine!". I picked her up from work on occasions and it seemed normal. About a week before she called it off for good, she came to my place all in kinky gear (telling me to f'ck her hard) and we had the best sex ever. I asked her about the blowing cold, and she said that she wasn't going off me and to stop asking. Breakup: However, mid week after that, I had a bad time at work and had to get away for a couple of days. I was quite upset and told her I needed some time on my own and that I'd be in touch. She started to blame herself for the way I was feeling, and that's when it started to change. She told me to do my own thing over the weekend, and I did. I called her on Saturday night when she was out and she was all drunk and giggly, i told her i loved her and that i wanted to see her - she said she wanted to see me too. I picked her up from work on Monday and she was blowing cold again. I thought it was time to have a talk, and I told her that she had to tell me what it was that was going on in her mind, what i could do to help, that the lack of communication about how she was feeling was going to drive a wedge into the relationship. I assured her that she could trust me, and that whatever it was that was causing her unhappiness that her secret was safe with me. She told me she'd send it in a letter, and I said "no, send it in an email tonight". I texted her the next day, and it was obvious what was coming. She wanted to end it, and end it for good. She says that she "loves me, but isn't in love with me" and clearly I'm in love with her. She says that she doesn't ever think she'll get to that stage with me, and that it was best to end it now than let it drag on. She wishes she was in love with me, because she says I'm a beautiful person, an attractive guy and have a lot going for me; but that I wasn't the right guy for her. She says that we did have a lot of fun together and that's why she wanted to remain friends. I just simply, do not understand what's gone wrong. The sex life was good (apart from when it dried up temporarily) to which she agreed, when we had fun together, it was a lot of fun. We never argued or fought, I bought her gifts, took her to dinner when she was feeling happy, watched films together, had silly fun in the car listening to music and mocking each other's tastes. She said she has no passion for anything or anyone at the moment. I asked her about the kinky sex, to which she said "i don't know..." and I said "why did you get back with me after you saw me with the other girl?" to which she said "i don't know...". Once again, she said that I deserved better, that she couldn't give me what I wanted, that she was no good (putting herself down). She said she couldn't see a future between us. I tried to tell her that her depression and anxiety were clouding everything (she thinks not), that it has something to do with her inability to feel emotion, or to really let me love her and vice versa. The lust and passion is there, but the small things of exchanging emotion are not (she said she's always blown cold). Maybe she doesn't love her herself, and doesn't feel that she deserves to be loved. She knows she needs professional help. I said that this was a passing phase, she said this was for good. 1 week of NC and counting. Thoughts?
David H Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 It turns out she's suffering from (not diagnosed yet) depression (her grandmother and mother both have it - living with her mother is very hard at times) and I told her she needed to see someone about it, but that I was there for her and cared for her and she could talk to me whenever she wanted to. 1 week of NC and counting. Thoughts? Do the bit I've highlighted. And in the meantime get on with your life... David
Author messed-mind Posted March 29, 2007 Author Posted March 29, 2007 Yeah, that's the plan. I just don't see why she wants me out of her life permanently out of the blue, not when I've almost been forcing her to spend some time on her own, and i haven't been suggesting sex at all (she wants it with me?!). Then when we're together it's always good. I gave her ample opportunity to give her space and to be on her own to deal with her mental issues, and she always came back to me first. Then, the one time I have a serious chat with her, she calls it off for good. What the hell. Edit: I just found this website and it explains me and her down to a T - i really do think this is down to her depression more than anything http://sheknows.com/about/look/2688.htm
contemplater Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Yeah I’ve been in relationships with girls like the one you describe, but they haven’t tried to get back together with me after they ended it. In retrospect that’s probably to both of our benefit. My past two ex’s had anxiety, panic attacks, depression, self-hatred, etc. My most recent ex had Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and night terrors on top of that. Yeah she was pretty screwed up in the head, now that I think about it haha. She broke up with me a few weeks ago and although I might have taken her back had she tried, I see now that in the long run I’m better off without her. I mean what’s the use in being with someone who tells you caring about them is a waste? You can’t convince someone to love herself, and she can’t be consistently loving to you unless she’s happy with who she is. My ex before her, I’m still very much in love with. She broke up with me last November. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss her and wonder what I could have done differently to keep that relationship. I know she still loves me because she still contacts me and hasn’t been with anyone since we broke up, but I’ve come to realize that, with her anxiety/depression problems, being apart is probably better for us both at this point in time. That’s not to say I don’t want her back, because I do, I really love that girl, but now I acknowledge that getting back together isn’t a good idea until she has resolved her personal issues. I think the same regarding your situation. I’ve learned that when it comes to a girl with psychological problems, no matter how well you handle yourself and treat her, the simple presence of a relationship tends to complicate her troubles, adds to her anxieties, and in turn hinders her from overcoming them. The reason for this is because even if you don’t pressure her, even if you show her support and try to understand her, doing that just adds tension because it's you trying to change her. It mixes more tension, sadness, self-loathing, and utter confusion into the discrepancy between her feelings for you and her feelings about herself. Basically, I think she knows she needs to change and can't understand why she hasn't been able to, but feels too weak to do it, doubts and hates herself too much, and doesn't need you reminding her of this. Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can say or do that will fix her problems, change her feelings about her potential, or convince her that she is worth more than she thinks of herself, because she has to come to that realization on her own and accept it. And like I said, trying to talk her into believing in herself or trying to show her that she deserves it simply won’t work and will likely have the opposite effect. You can't talk logic into emotions. That’s why I think you should just give her time/space to figure things out on her own. If she calls, talk to her. If she asks you to call, do it occasionally but not too often. You don’t need to go NC, just stay pleasant and don’t wait around for her, but if you love her you can leave the door open to reconciliation. Just don’t get back together until she’s resolved her psychological issues because otherwise it won’t and can’t be a healthy relationship.
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