Guest Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 I have a picture perfect life. I have a wonderful husband and two absolutely gorgeous children. Most people would envy me ... but I feel differently. I got married at 25 but never really dated anyone before my husband (I was a little overweight and embarrassed about my body). My husband has had quite a few serious relationships before me and that makes me kind of jealous. I wish that I had experienced more before I met him. I don't want to leave him simply to become promiscuous ... but I do regret not experiencing more before settling down. Does this make any sense at all? I don't know if I'm jealous of his past or if I just wish I could have experienced more so that I would appreciate my husband more. Does anyone else feel this way. And, for all of you who have lots of experience, do you ever compare your current mate to what you had in the past? Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Lezbean Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Here is my 2 cents. Be grateful for what you have. Your marriage is what most people strive for. It's tough out there in the dating world. Be glad you have never suffered a broken heart or been through a sea of losers. Embrace your husband and your family and thank God for them. You are one of the lucky ones. It took me many, many, many years to find someone truly wonderful. Sounds like you've already got one. 1
Asafan Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 I COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from. My wife had a lot of relationships before ours and I had none, and I always regretted not having experienced more. Don't get me wrong, I partied my ass off but I was very restrictive in allowing myself relationships. Every reason was a stupid one that boiled down to me being a pussy. Anyway, you're not alone in feeling that way, and while my relationship is very very good and I am, for the most part "happy", every once in a while I think I would like to be free to experience other women. It is not something I would do, but it definately crosses my mind.
StayClose Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 If you consistently enjoy having sex with your husband, then you're doing better than a lot of single people. Single life is sometimes exciting, but with comes dissapointment, frustration and heartbreak for most people. Do married people with previous experience ever compare their spouse to previous partners? Yes, but consider that he married YOU, so you must compare vary favorably next to them. If you'd like some more variety in your sexual expereince, then buy one of those books aimed at married people who want to put some zing back in their sex lives. Then drop the kids off at the grandparents and take a vacation with just the two of you and the book. If you do it right, you'll capture much of the excitment single people experience without all the crap.
quankanne Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 yes, it's called "the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence" syndrome, and we're all plagued by it at some point. Maybe instead of looking at it as "missing out" on certain kinds of experience think of it as cutting to the chase and finding a guy who is just right for you. Remember, it's not what has happened in the past, or with whom, but what you do with your future with your mate – because you chose each other, y'all are in a sense the "ultimate" experience for each other. so don't look back, but move ahead. There are so many "wow" moments you are capable of creating together, just do some reading up to get some ideas.
Lezbean Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 yes, it's called "the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence" syndrome, and we're all plagued by it at some point. Maybe instead of looking at it as "missing out" on certain kinds of experience think of it as cutting to the chase and finding a guy who is just right for you. Remember, it's not what has happened in the past, or with whom, but what you do with your future with your mate – because you chose each other, y'all are in a sense the "ultimate" experience for each other. so don't look back, but move ahead. There are so many "wow" moments you are capable of creating together, just do some reading up to get some ideas. Beautiful, just beautiful!
Mr. Lucky Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Every reason was a stupid one that boiled down to me being a pussy. Funny to hear you say that because I feel the same way. I always thought sex had to be part of a "big deal" relationship so I only had 3 partners before marrying. My wife was more of a wild child when younger and definely experienced some things I did not. If I had it to do over again, I'd be more open to some purely sexual experiences. The good news is that she is helping me catch up. We've done pretty much everything that two people can do Mr. Lucky
norajane Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 You can look at the way you're looking - that you didn't experience enough relationships in your life. OR you can look at is you found the perfect partner to experience LIFE with. Stop worrying about relationships you didn't have, and start considering what kind of life experiences you want to have with your husband and children. I don't know how old the kids are, but do you want to introduce them to your love of theater or dance or music or art? Do you want to travel with your husband and see the world - you can even with the kids, or without them if you have parents or other very reliable sitter. Do you want your family to be involved in helping the world be a better place? You can get everyone involved in something like Habitat for Humanity, or cleaning up your local parks... Point being - stop thinking about the past, and think about your dreams for the future! And if you really, really want to know what it would have been like to experience other relationships, spend some hours reading this board. You'll hear all about cheating and jealousy and communication problems and commitment problems and she didn't call me today! and does he just want me for sex? and Married Man is flirting with me! and she found makeup stains on the crotch of his pants and long distance heartache and longing for lost loves...
RecordProducer Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Guest, I don't think you miss the past experiences that never happened. I think you are not sure that your husband IS so great and you would like to have some reference to compare him with. You shouldn't. Most women have had only a few men and they were losers. Compare your husband to what you want in a man. Make a list of desired traits and see how many of them you will check. The past experiences are valuable in dealing with certain situations, recognizing typical behaviors, etc. but they can also be misleading, faith-killing, and most of all completely irrelevant. Don't look into your past, look into your present and future instead. No matter what you do, you will always be missing something in another department. Besides... you can always make up for the lack of experience.
Wantingtogetitright Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 all I can say is you lucky lucky thing. Many of of us have to kiss a damn lot of toads before we meet the prince. You haven't had to endure the heartbreak of all the times you got it wrong, or they got it wrong. Carry on living the happy life you have and forget about what else might have been or could have been, do you really believe anything could be better than what you have. If you do then what? And then try and make what you have better. Keep building on what you've got and set the best example for your kids and those around you! You are a great example to those that continue to dream and provides proof that it CAN happen.
4whatItsWorth Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Most people would envy me ... but I feel differently. I find it quite sad you're saying that. I've had about 3 sex partners in my life and I can tell you they were all crap except the third - my fiance. I'm his first, and even though I am a bit worried he will feel like you one day, he made up his mind he only wants to be with one woman. And I have the privelige of being that one woman. Be grateful for what you have, if it is what YOU want. Just because you live the perfect life in other ppl's eyes, you won't be happy unless it is the life YOU want. But remember, just because you became single wouldn't mean men would throw themselves at your feet. If I became single again, I know I'd be one for a loooong time. I'm not ugly, but I am shy. To get men - you have to have something special in their eyes. And you clearly are in your husband's.
Gunny376 Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 I read your post just before leaving out to go to work, and thought about it through out my watch. So basically what your saying is that you've got a great husband, a good life, a nice place to live, all the comforts that others envy, but you regret that you didn't go through a bunch of losers, users, abusers, liars, cheaters, beaters, drunks, crackheads, crankheads, drunks, potheads to get to what you have and where you are now? Jeeezzzzz Lady! I should have such problems? Pinch yourself Cinderella ~ it ain't a dream ~ its for real ~ and you deserve it as much as anyone else there Princess!
Asafan Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Funny to hear you say that because I feel the same way. I always thought sex had to be part of a "big deal" relationship so I only had 3 partners before marrying. My wife was more of a wild child when younger and definely experienced some things I did not. If I had it to do over again, I'd be more open to some purely sexual experiences. The good news is that she is helping me catch up. We've done pretty much everything that two people can do Mr. Lucky Oh, I second that sir. Since I have been married I have done a LOT of catching up. My wife is sexually open and I have had a lot of fantacies fulfilled thanks to her. I used to work in a nursing home when I was 19 - 23 and I had access to a LOT of hot young girls. (no joke man it was like a revolving door of hot 19-23 year old girls and I was in great shape back then!) I can clearly think back to every single one I had a shot at hot sex with yet passed up because I was a stupid and inexperienced PUSSY. It just kills me sometimes. I think that passing up those experiences actually made my relationship a little harder in the beginning because I was jealous. That doesn't mean that I am by any means not happy with my wife. Though I may bitch a lot, I love her dearly.
Guest Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 I can clearly think back to every single one I had a shot at hot sex with yet passed up because I was a stupid and inexperienced PUSSY. It just kills me sometimes. I think that passing up those experiences actually made my relationship a little harder in the beginning because I was jealous. This is exactly how I feel too. How do you get over the jealousy that your partner has had serious relationships before you (mine was engaged to an ex). I keep telling myself that I should be happy that I found the right one right away ... but I can't help but feel jealous that he has memories and experiences with other women. I wonder if I'd be going through this if my husband hadn't had any previous relationships as well ...
Salicious Crumb Posted April 1, 2007 Posted April 1, 2007 I have a picture perfect life. I have a wonderful husband and two absolutely gorgeous children. Most people would envy me ... but I feel differently. I got married at 25 but never really dated anyone before my husband (I was a little overweight and embarrassed about my body). My husband has had quite a few serious relationships before me and that makes me kind of jealous. I wish that I had experienced more before I met him. I don't want to leave him simply to become promiscuous ... but I do regret not experiencing more before settling down. Does this make any sense at all? I can understand that you may be uncomfortable that your H has had experience and you have not. But I promise you, you WILL regret try to see if the grass is greener on the other side. You have two beautiful children...don't screw them over by screwing over your husband. And one thing you should consider...you said you were overweight and embarrassed about your body when you met your husband. Sounds like he is a great guy and looked past all that and loved you for who you are....don't repay him by cheating or destroying the family. I don't know if I'm jealous of his past or if I just wish I could have experienced more so that I would appreciate my husband more. Does anyone else feel this way. And, for all of you who have lots of experience, do you ever compare your current mate to what you had in the past? Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Asafan Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 This is exactly how I feel too. How do you get over the jealousy that your partner has had serious relationships before you (mine was engaged to an ex). I keep telling myself that I should be happy that I found the right one right away ... but I can't help but feel jealous that he has memories and experiences with other women. I wonder if I'd be going through this if my husband hadn't had any previous relationships as well ... My wife was also engaged before me. My jealousy has faded a lot because of lots of reassurance from my wife, time in our relationship, and working on my own self-esteem. I know for a fact all my wifes previous relationships were not nearly as good as ours and she absolutely values me above all the others that came before. I also look at it this way. If my life and her life had not transpired as it did, we would not be together. We would be totally different people and would have done totally different things and probably never even met. Now that would really suck.
loggrad98 Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I can relate (check out my posts....I am not sure how to link to it in here). I have been going to counseling for retroactive jealousy issues. I also had very little experience before I got married and went into it as a virgin. My wife was not. It was difficult at first but I seemed to get over it well, then I had cancer and went through a 7 year battle with post-trauma depression as a result. This caused all those old feelings to be amplified beyond what I could endure and now I am in counseling and things are going better. My advice is to let sleeping dogs lie. You know his past. Let it be his past. Don't go hunting for details or anything, that will just make the mental pictures that much worse and make it that much harder to get over. The details do not matter anyway. You are his future, and he is yours. This is one of the things my counselor has been trying to help me understand and live by. It is hard, because often to them it is ancient history, but to us (those who are facing this sort of problem) it is real and very very NOW, not then. It is hard to seperate the here and now from the then and there when we get these memories and self-made illusions fresh and alive (at least that is how I viewed it). One of the best therapies I have found is to do all I can to serve my family (married 15 years, 4 kids). By losing myself in expressing my love for them I not only boost my self-esteem but I also have precious little time to worry about such things as her past and I build great memories for the future, and it helps strengthen the memories we have built already. It is also possible you have somewhat of an obsessive-compulsive personality. My counselor said retroactive jealousy is more common in folks who are so inclined. I never ever thought that was part of who I was, but as I have gone through this I have found out that is indeed part of my personality (often being a perfectionist is a way to say OCD to some degree....and I am a perfectionist about a lot of things). Also the medication that worked best for my depression was a combination of meds for OCD and bipolar. Interesting to say the least. I guess I am trying to say you are not alone and it could be far far worse. Get ahold of it now, and be prepared to have it rear its ugly head from time to time, because it can. I think if I had paid more attention early on and not just tried to brush these feelings off as being "silly" and "immature" (althought they are largely just that), I would have had a better shot at dealing with it longterm. My counselor reminded me that it is ok to feel how you feel, but not to try to hide from it or run from it but to face it head on and learn to move beyond those feelings. It sounds like you have a good thing going (as do I), so don't go thinking it will help your feelings to act out, it will just make things far far worse. I wish you luck and again, remember it is a real thing, those are real feelings, and you are not alone.
Wantingtogetitright Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 my partner and I have been through some issues in the last 6 months but I honestly believe we are over all that now. He has a PAST!!! We have both been open and communicated effectively and have reached the point where 2 very important things have been said. 1. He said this "ya know, when I was with all these others during and even when it was over (ie sex) I was always looking for that connection and never found it. No matter what I did to please them or them me, the connection was simply not there and now I have realised that is not where you find it but where it gets amplified beyond imaginings" erm wow! 2. I am now able to say to him , really babe, well I would like you to bring them all over here, line em up in a row (or a few rows, garden is not that big!) And I can say to them, gee thanks for being his training ground, I am now reaping the rewards!! Believe me, you aren't missing anythign if you are happy where you are. You have a lot lot more than many and more than some could wish for.
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