scubafish Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 I am in the midst of one of those "I love you still, but I'm in-love with her' affairs. We have been together 20 years, and I am not throwing in the towel over this thing, because the rest of our life had been fine. but, I did tell him he cannot be with me until he quits talking/f***ing her. and he needed to move out until he decided. so he did. We don't have much contact, he does email/call every few days to see how things are here. and I have been following advice, I have not asked about what he is doing, I am just pleasant, and tell him fun things. I have not asked when/if he is coming back. I only reply to his contact, I don't call him. It has been about 2 months now (he has been overseas for 2 weeks of htis time), and I started to realize that I cannot really start to get over this and move on, while all his stuff, is still here. And it is still 'our' house, in my mind. He has tons of tools, and half finished projects in garage, and evertime I look around, I still feel like he is here. and it hurts. ALl he took when he left was some clothes, and his shaving kit. He did take some smaller furniture items, that we didn't really use, for apt. I am really starting to have mood swings now though. One moment I want to tell him to come out and pack ALL his stuff up for storage, and then an hour later, I keep thinking about some of his comments that things are not that great where he is at, and I wonder if I can wait another month. DO you think giving a deadline, or something like it is a problem? I have read that 'ultimatums' or deadllines are not good, because then the WS feels like they are not the one that made the decision. should I ask how things really are with this OW, not sure how truthful he would be anyway? any opinions?
whichwayisup Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 DO you think giving a deadline, or something like it is a problem? I have read that 'ultimatums' or deadllines are not good, because then the WS feels like they are not the one that made the decision. should I ask how things really are with this OW, not sure how truthful he would be anyway? any opinions? You can't live in limbo, waiting for him to 'try out the other side of the fence' and then come home. That's just so wrong. I think first, you need to decide what you want. Are you willing to wait for him and take him back IF he decides to come home again? Or is this enough to say goodbye and get a divorce. If you've had enough, tell him he has ONE month to get his stuff out of the house, sort out details of the divorce so you can move on. What he is doing to you is SO selfish and you letting him 'go' to try out how life will be with someone else sucks. This is YOUR life, take control of it and put yourself first. Stop worrying about him and how he'll react.
GreenX Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 I agree with whichwayisup. He is being extremely selfish and the longer you allow him to continue his 'soul searching' he will keep you on hold and walk all over you. My aunt and uncle just went through this. They were married for 14 years. He met someone at his work and was having a hidden affair with her for months. Finally he moved out and went to stay with this woman saying he needed time to think, get away, and see what he wants in life. When he went to stay with the OW the first time he of course said they were nothing but friends, they didn't feel attracted to eachother in any other way.. anyhow.. this carried on for about 5 months, where eventually, he told his wife (my aunt) that he was in-love with this other woman, yet he still loved my aunt. He was confused. She allowed him to keep coming back into his life when things weren't so great with the OW. In the end he went back n forth literally (we lost count honestly) about 7-10 times.. both women took him back. Finally my aunt held strong and had their divorce finalized. He hasn't been back to her since. Granted they had issues throughout their years of marriage that they both neglected or tried to work on.. so in the end all these problems surfaced and were excuses of why things happened how they did. Basically.. what I would do if I were you is let him know that you don't think it fair to be sitting in the back seat while he is off having his jollies.. it isn't fair to you one bit. He needs to decide what to do and to do it now. Having his things there reminding you of him while he is off doing whatever it is he is doing isn't right. If he doesn't have room in his apartment, tough, get a storage unit or have his new found love store it for him at her place. Stay strong. I hope in the end you will find yourself happy again.
Author scubafish Posted March 28, 2007 Author Posted March 28, 2007 yes, he is being so very selfish, and I know most people do not tolerate affairs, but there are alot of relationships out there that do weather it. When people do trial separations before divorcing, I would think there is a period like this. I am treating this as part of the breakup, what else would I be doing anyway? it is not like I am wanting to date, I am just using this time to learn to live by myself. I have to go through the depression and all the moods, it was actually easier without him here packing and moving I think, looking back. I am still having a hard time with depression, and honestly, I do not want to deal with deciding who gets what right now anyway. but yes, I do not want to be in Limbo when I get mentally stronger. that is why I am thinking about this. and my anger seems to be getting stronger, so maybe that is why I am starting to think this. I didn't get into the long story, but he has been back and forth about what he wants to do with his life. He is 45, and has worked at same job for 20 years, about same time we have been together, and I think it is the 'midlife ' crisis issue. he has also been talking about changing jobs for last year. I know part of me does not want to give up this 'investment' I made in life, and during the times when he wanted to be here with me, he sure made it sound like he learned what it would take to make our relationship great again, so I believe he must still have those thoughts in the back of his screwed up brain. I always was nosy, and had to ask about the OW, so I know some of the bad issues he had, and I just think that they must be worse now that he has to deal with them everyday. but maybe not, and my curiousity is getting the best of me!
NoIDidn't Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Scuba Don't ask him anything!!! Don't do it!!!! Don't let curiosity (sp?) set you back. Telling him to come and get his sh*t would be a good thing for you. My uncle left my aunt for 5 years and lived with another woman. My aunt never got rid of his stuff or changed the locks. There was no back and forth, but one night she came home to find him in bed in PJs like he never left. LOL. You don't want this to happen to you. LOL!!!
Trialbyfire Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Pack it up and put it into storage first while he's away and change the locks. When he comes back, tell him where it is and what you've done with access to your home. Also explain to him if he doesn't go get it, you will fail to pay the bill. It will be a little hardline but if he's a typical guy, he will get the message loud and clear. Actions speak louder than words. Right now, you matter far more than someone keeping you on a string.
shellys-trying Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 DO you think giving a deadline, or something like it is a problem? I have read that 'ultimatums' or deadllines are not good, because then the WS feels like they are not the one that made the decision. should I ask how things really are with this OW, not sure how truthful he would be anyway? any opinions? I'm sorry but I think this guy is a cake eater. He wants to screw this OW but still call and keep in contact with you? That's bullsh*t! You're letting him do this. I know how hard it is to set aside what you want and how much you love him. Believe me, I know. But, his indecision is making you miserable. That's wrong and very self centered of him. I would issue an ultimatum. He either dumps her for good or that's it. No more calls, no more contact with you period, if he continues to ride the fence. Either he makes a decision to come home for good or you make the decision to dump his ass. See, you're making it easy for him to have the best of both worlds. Obviously the OW isn't going to chuck him out. She needs a meal ticket. Sorry, but homewreckers wreck your home for your H's $$$$$. They're lazy and want what you've worked for, your M and relationship with your H. I would tell him to come get all of his stuff. He has to see you mean business. If you don't do something, scubafish, you'll be in this rut for years! This is limbo on earth that you're dealing with. Do you really want to be this miserable 5 years down the road?
Author scubafish Posted March 28, 2007 Author Posted March 28, 2007 Trial, I wish it were that easy- I could pack up his personal belongings easy enugh, but the garage has shelves and rows of mechanical stuff, plus all the house tools and extras. Then there is the separate garage workshop, with the 3 semi-completed car engines, more tools, air compressors etc. I would have to hire a company to work a month of weekends to do this, and it would take a huge storage locker that I am not paying for. He will have to move it. It did not bother me before, but we are not talking about spending a little weekend packing here! Shellys, no, he is not cake eater anymore. I enabled it for a few months, before I found LS and some of the other sites. We are on Plan B from marriagebuilders.com basically. Contact is only for taking care of responsibilty issues about house or dogs, we do not 'chat' like friends, and I have not physically seen him since he left. I like to feel I actually have better deal right now, he has to live in small apt with her 9 cats, 2 kids, and noisy neighbors. I get the house on acre lot, with beautiful mtn view to have coffee with every morning, and wonderful, supportive neighbors! (and 2 loving dogs). so yes, I can hang in here for a bit. anyway, this is part of the steps of removal, from situation. There are different types of affairs, the type we are going through has a good chance of recovery, but he has to go through these steps. I am doing much better mentally, than 2 months ago, believe me. I know you don't know whole story, but he has not had the best of both worlds. and we are in a better place for discussion now than a few months ago. if that happens.
shellys-trying Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 I like to feel I actually have better deal right now, he has to live in small apt with her 9 cats, 2 kids, and noisy neighbors. QUOTE] Sounds like you're getting revenge without having to do anything. I'd start having fun on your own. I'd say he isn't losing alot of sleep over you being alone and him with his livein lurv. I'd think of that when you start to miss him or see something of his.
Trialbyfire Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 It sounds like you've got it together then. I would still isolate as much of the things in your house as possible, into which ever garage you use less. This way, you can ignore it as much as possible. Good luck with whichever way works out for you, whether it's reconciliation or otherwise.
Author scubafish Posted March 29, 2007 Author Posted March 29, 2007 sometimes it just helps to 'talk' about it. thanks for 'listening', I am just getting so angry at having to go through all this. I know I have the better deal being here at the house, but I just get so angry imagining him out having a good time, that I want to pitch his stuff in garbage, or have huge yard sale. but I can't. I try to remind myself that it probably is not as good as I think for him. but I am lonely, and he is not, and since I am not into finding a boy-toy to keep me occupied, this is as good as it gets for now!
shellys-trying Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Again, your guy is living in a cramped up place with this "woman" and a bunch of cats and dogs. He ain't living it up. I would say, he's looking around wondering what the hell he got himself into. lol Men can be very dumb, especially when they are thinking with their little heads. Believe me!
Ladyjane14 Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Just curious... have you seen an attorney yet, Scuba? My temptation is to tell you just to leave his junk lie. Afterall, you've still got the house. But you can always check with legal and see where you stand on that. I don't think I'd break NC over this. A half-assed Plan B is only going to make things worse, IMO. There should be a noticeable difference for him between having your love and support in his life and having NOTHING from you. Stay as dark as you can would be my advice to you. And remember... Plan B is for YOU. It takes you out of the chaos and puts you on the path to personal recovery. So, make sure you're finding the JOY in each day. This experience can either help you grow or make you wilt. If you choose personal growth.... Lord knows your WH has already added enough FERTILIZER:p ... but it's up to you to add warmth and sunshine. Do that for YOU.
shellys-trying Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 I've been kinda zigzaggy on my opinion on this thread, but I'm beginning to lean toward how she should do her own thing. Dump him like a bad habit. This guy is living his life, obviously. She should get up and do something with her life instead of living on a "maybe" from this guy. Cake eater still keeps coming to mind when I think of him. Sorry.
lorr Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 You have mentioned "Plan B", but out of curiosity does he truly and wholeheartedly want to be with YOU? It doesn't make sense why he would move in with the OW,regardless of what condition he's living in. Don't take this the wrong way, but I get the impression that you are afraid of getting out of your comfort zone. You mention the house on a acre lot with mountain views etc, but would you be saying all this, if you lived in a ghetto? Whats sad is that many women still come up with the same tired excuses. The favourite ones are the "Investment" excuse the "Staying for the kids" excuse and believe it or not the "Spiritual" excuse to justify staying in a tired arsed cheating relationship.
shellys-trying Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 I'm sorry but there's be no way I'd wait around for my H to make up his mind, living in the home we got together, while he went off and lived with some woman while trying to figure out which situation is better for him. That's wrong and this poster doesn't have much respect for herself to just live in waiting for her cheating H to make up his mind. I believe in staying together because you love each other, because the one who cheated realized what he/she did wrong and is wanting to make the M work. There shouldn't be any waiting around while hubby goes off and sleeps with his live in luuuvvv. He's being a very selfish person for stringing his W along while he decides what's best for him. Get a lawyer, get his stuff extricated from your property and move on with your life. Even if it's killing your heart. You can't let the guy rule your life, while he's off living his, even if it's with a homewrecker with 50 indoor pets.
Frances Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 The only reason for waiting is so that you have time to try and accept what has happened to you. In mho its not for giving him time to decide what he wants. if you are planning to fix things up for yoursel and face everyone else. Its not a good idea to go with your first reaction which is usually to clobber the guy and leave or chuck him out. In my case I was a basket case for a while and the emotional affair had been over for over a year when I found out. It did go on for 11years though because it was a long distance one (5000 miles) I am waiting too make sure I am okay emotionaly, stronger and financially secure before I tackle what I think needs to be done. I am also waiting until our kids weddings are over. He may not be living in comfort but he is having his cake and eating it. One day you are of one mind and the next another, heck it changes by the hour. I hope you can find some peace in your head.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Trial, I wish it were that easy- I could pack up his personal belongings easy enugh, but the garage has shelves and rows of mechanical stuff, plus all the house tools and extras. Then there is the separate garage workshop, with the 3 semi-completed car engines, more tools, air compressors etc. Why not hire some help and at least segregate his stuff in the garage and part of the house? No matter how much junk he has, it could be easily carted into designated rooms over a weekend by a couple of movers. I wouldn't even pack it, just pile it up. Your H might find the division symbolic... Mr. Lucky
Author scubafish Posted April 2, 2007 Author Posted April 2, 2007 This is the reason LS is so great. I feel a better sense of purpose after posting and reading here. I truly appreciate all the opinions. I did not see it before, but with him just moving out, and not having to deal with 'stuff', he is really still a cake-eater. I will have to do something about this. He did not move out willingly, I pretty much forced him to, after finding out he was still in contact with OW. I thought I was being strong by not enabling his behavior. he would have to choose a real path. All throughout this affair, he had maintained he still 'loves' me, and felt that if he left, he would be regretting his decision. but, he has these 'special feelings' for her, and he cannot get over them, for whatever. at least that was his excuse for not being able to just cut contact with OW. if I had only been with him a few years, or he had a history of cheating, he would have been long gone. LORR -- I agree with you, I am sure I do not want to give up the comfort of the 'old relationship'. after 20 years with one person, I do NOT want to go out and 'date' again. so yes, I am probably holding on a little more than I should. but since I have no interest in going out to meet anyone right now, I guess I don't mind hanging out at the house. I just mentioned what is like here, because it was something he really enjoyed as well. I do go out with friends, or by myself quit a bit, so I am not just sitting around. My emotions do run back and forth being wanting him back and not. I have been using this time more to get used to him being gone, than planning on him coming back. I know from reading about NC separations, that it does sometimes cause the WS to realzie what they are missing, but it is more for healing the BS. and I have kept busy, and being in this house does bring me comfort. maybe I started to realize his is still having both lives in a way, and that is why I posted. LADYJANE- I did see lawyer, we have pretty simple split really, since there are no kids. He has already signed over house papers to my name alone, but they have not been filed yet. technically, I cannot lock him out, or do anything with his stuff except pack and store. I really have been keeping my replies to him very short, and not personal. I have nevr iniated an email. I am just suffering through alot of anger and resentment and sadness right now, and not sure how to deal. I thought I should start feel a little better by now, but I don't, so I am just trying to go to next step. I suppose, if I felt better, this all would not be such an issue!
shellys-trying Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 I am just suffering through alot of anger and resentment and sadness right now, and not sure how to deal. I thought I should start feel a little better by now, but I don't, so I am just trying to go to next step. I suppose, if I felt better, this all would not be such an issue! You need to feel all the emotions you mentioned above. I know what it's like to want to hang on and try, even tho' it hurts like hades to know what your H/SO did. My H cheated and he didn't want to be with me, initially. Scuba, I begged him shamelessly to come back and he didn't want to at first. On dday, I spent all that day trying to get him to see reason. He didn't want to give up, not the OW, but his sense of freedom,of free sex whenever he wantewd it. His OW had kids like I do, but she could hertlessly pawn hers off onto someone when H was coming over. I love my kids and sex wasn't as important to me as it must have been to her. She was/is a homewrecker. They're always thinking with their nether regions. But, by days' end, he had agreed to stay, but when I broached the subject of telling her it was over, he shyed away from that, and it hit me. "no, if he stays with me, it's over with her. He HAS to tell her before we can begin any reconsiliation process. Period. I told him this, and I was prepared to let him go if he didn't want to. He made out like he just wanted to never speak to her again. I said, No, you tell her to her face it's over. He agreed to, and did, and as far as I know, never dealt with her "in that way".
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