Sonitas Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 I am seriously thinking of giving this marriage another chance. H has proved to me that alcohol is no longer a fixture in his life. He has seen what it takes to keep a household going and that I will not tolerate being treated like a child, and that I deserve respect, understanding and independance. Due to circumstances I have had to move out of my rental and could not find another one that is available for a couple of weeks so I have moved back in with my husband for a few weeks. His comment was that he was going to lock the gate this time so I can't leave. He thinks it is silly for me to be moving back out again, he just wants me to stay and give this a try with the new him. We have so many years invested in this marriage, should I not give it one more try?? I am scared of things going back to the way they were, scared of ever having to go through this heartache again, the effect it has on our children, the list goes on. I still have a feeling in my heart that I cannot shake that something is missing in our relationship that will never be. Am I setting myself up for failure thinking this way?? But in the end I think it will give me piece of mind knowing that I gave this marriage everything I could and if things still do not work out then it was meant to be.
chadnickole Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 I am seriously thinking of giving this marriage another chance. H has proved to me that alcohol is no longer a fixture in his life. He has seen what it takes to keep a household going and that I will not tolerate being treated like a child, and that I deserve respect, understanding and independance. Due to circumstances I have had to move out of my rental and could not find another one that is available for a couple of weeks so I have moved back in with my husband for a few weeks. His comment was that he was going to lock the gate this time so I can't leave. He thinks it is silly for me to be moving back out again, he just wants me to stay and give this a try with the new him. We have so many years invested in this marriage, should I not give it one more try?? I am scared of things going back to the way they were, scared of ever having to go through this heartache again, the effect it has on our children, the list goes on. I still have a feeling in my heart that I cannot shake that something is missing in our relationship that will never be. Am I setting myself up for failure thinking this way?? But in the end I think it will give me piece of mind knowing that I gave this marriage everything I could and if things still do not work out then it was meant to be. I say give it a chance, if he has shown change and you can see it than that is a good thing, your already back in the house why keep moving children all over the place!! You have alraedy proved that you could leave if you need too, so for the sake of the kids and yourselves, as long as you two can and will work on making things better, no reason not too!! You just need to get over your fear...............We all fear something and if we never worked past it we would never have even left the womb!!!! my 2 cents good luck
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 But in the end I think it will give me piece of mind knowing that I gave this marriage everything I could and if things still do not work out then it was meant to be. I've been here. And this is a plus. If things don't work out then you will know that you have done everything that you can. The only friend who supported me in my decision to try again said this as well as what to you have to loose?? Well, I have answers for that now!! There are some posters who can give much better advice on this than I can. Hopefully OOD and Lady Jane will reply. There is a neat website out there incase you haven't seen it. Its called Marriage Builders. IF you are both willing to go with it, it seems to offer alot. It takes two though. Good Luck to you. Mine didn't/couldn't have worked and what I had to loose was my momentum.
outofdarkness Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 I am seriously thinking of giving this marriage another chance. H has proved to me that alcohol is no longer a fixture in his life. He has seen what it takes to keep a household going and that I will not tolerate being treated like a child, and that I deserve respect, understanding and independance. Due to circumstances I have had to move out of my rental and could not find another one that is available for a couple of weeks so I have moved back in with my husband for a few weeks. His comment was that he was going to lock the gate this time so I can't leave. He thinks it is silly for me to be moving back out again, he just wants me to stay and give this a try with the new him. We have so many years invested in this marriage, should I not give it one more try?? I am scared of things going back to the way they were, scared of ever having to go through this heartache again, the effect it has on our children, the list goes on. I still have a feeling in my heart that I cannot shake that something is missing in our relationship that will never be. Am I setting myself up for failure thinking this way?? But in the end I think it will give me piece of mind knowing that I gave this marriage everything I could and if things still do not work out then it was meant to be. Yes, I do think that it is worth it to give your M one more try. Perhaps, he really has changed his ways. The real question is; will he CONTINUE to try...It's an ongoing thing with any sort of addict; I assume that your H is an alcoholic?. They have to stay on their toes, know their triggers, and in my opinion, work a 12 step program...If he's willing to address his problems in IC and go to MC w/ you, then give it your all. You have many years invested in this M, and it's well worth the time, pain and heartache if you can work things out. If you don't take that leap of faith, then you will always wonder what would have happened differently had you given it one more try. The only exception to this rule, in my opinion, is if he is abusive in any way. In this case, I would separate for a time while he works on his issues...That's just me, others may think differently. I just don't believe that people should subject themselves and kids to that type of behavior. It's not safe... It takes alot of time, patience and support to mend a broken marriage. Sometimes, there were problems present before the M even began and they are brought into the equation...People and R's continue to evolve during a M, and this has to be brought into the equation too..I certainly would not let him dictate to you what is best for you and your kids. It doesn't seem to be from your post that he is in a position to give you ultimatums like locking you in w/ the gate...On the other hand, you really DO need to make up your mind one way or the other and stick to it, giving it ample time to see concrete changes before you move out again...You don't want to be the little boy who cried wolf. You want to appear strong and confident...And I'm sure that you are... Good luck, and I'll be thinking of you. LS is a wonderful place to come and get good, sound advice and support...
Mustang Sally Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Sonitas, A good friend of mine told me today that the process of deciding whether to stay or go can be a long one. Everyone is different. It may take days or months or (heaven forbid) years. It is entirely reasonable, in my opinion, for you to do whatever you need to do in your processing to see that you have done "all you could do" and given it every chance. Barring abusive relationships, of course. I hope you find your peace with your decision, whether you stay or go. Keep us posted with how things are going.
PWSX3 Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Good to hear someone else is wondering the same question....... Me & the W have decided to try to work things out & I can see it is going to be hard. Neither of us drink but we have our own issues to work thru. Yesterday when we saw our MC I told her that I feel I need to follow thru with this last step. To "ME" this is what will tell me if we are meant to be together forever. We were married for 25 yrs. she moved out & now we are working on things & I feel that is the last of the circle. As for the male side, I have to say we can change, we can have our eyes opened BUT and that is a big BUT, it will only happen if "HE" wants it to and that is the bottom line. I am one of those guys that wanted to change for "me" and I've been working on it hard and it's taken time & a lot of effort but each day it does get easier. If you are taking a vote I would say give it a try but be very honest with each other & make sure you two work together as a team. Good luck!!!!
Author Sonitas Posted March 29, 2007 Author Posted March 29, 2007 Thank you so much for the positive encouragement! I am feeling very positive, I have faith that we both have learned alot over the past six months and are ready to move forward. I told him last night and he was so happy to hear those words. He understands now that if I want to do something on my own to not take it personal, this does not mean I don't love him, I just need some time on my own sometimes. Of course we both need quality time together, but quality time apart is important too (and not just one sided!). He realizes now that being controlling and jealous will only push me away. We have 16 years invested in this relationship (not as many as some!), and it would be a shame to toss it all away to only start over. Sure I may have lost that "loving" feeling, but the thought of working at discovering that all over again with someone who is dedicated to me is exciting. I read somewhere that the greatest gift you can give your partner is your own happiness and I am going to work my hardest to give that to my H. And love should follow....
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