Sheba Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 There have had many problems in my 10 year relationship with my husband, including his attraction to other women (flirtations or "crushes", no affairs), his threats to leave me, his very contemptuous verbal abuse of me, and finally his hitting me (not hard, but still....). It has been very very hard for me. My 16 year old son recently came to my defence and told my H to stop calling me names, and at that moment I knew that something had to change FAST or I would end the relationship. We are in counselling. I am starting to get the picture that my H's late mother was a very cold, cruel woman. He is full of shame and has not spoken much of this, but he has said enough that the counsellor and I agree that this woman was physically abusive and rejecting - leaving H to a pattern of constantly seeking approval of women and then hating them. It is as if a woman who becomes too important to him must be despised because he is at risk of being hurt by such a woman. Of course, he does not say he hates me, he says he loves me. He "just" acts like he hates me very often. Is anyone married to such a damaged spouse that overcame the damage? I feel as if it is hopeless.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 I'm sorry for your what you and your son are going through. It is so very difficult for children to hate/dislike/disapprove of what someone they love is doing. I think this is the same thing that caused your husbands problems. I would be more interested in finding out from the counselor how you could keep this from affecting your son. Hating someone and loving someone who you expect unconditional love from causes personal turmoil and children do not have the life experiences to deal with it.
Author Sheba Posted March 28, 2007 Author Posted March 28, 2007 I am very concerned about my son and have taken him to the counsellor too. My son understands that my H and I are trying to work things out, and that we all agree that he was right to object. I think he feels better knowing that some effort is being made, but I can see that he is watching for signs of discord. H and I are both being careful to ensure that my son and the other children (my daughter, H's son) do not witness any more fights between us. I think it is a sad thing that my son feels he needs to protect me. He still needs me to protect him. H is not his father, by the way, but has been in his life for 10 years.
quankanne Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 H and I are both being careful to ensure that my son and the other children (my daughter, H's son) do not witness any more fights between us that's a two-way statement ... positive in the sense that you're very conscientious about keeping arguments to yourself, but not so good in the fact that he might not make the effort to fight fairly. my parents had that kind of marriage, and I'd told my mom on more than one occasion that if I'd have married someone like Daddy, I'd have killed him early in the marriage. But I think she felt for him because he had a rough, unloving childhood, and didn't learn any better, so she stuck out 50 years of marriage before she died a couple of years ago. So, while she took the high road, he stayed stuck in his rut – he could be pretty ugly to her, and it just killed me, because she really was a kind and good person who deserved better than what he chose to give her. I love my dad, but I often wished she had left him because of how he treated her (much like how your husband treats you). One thing I wish I had done was been more encouraging about them getting marriage counselling, and him personal counselling, so that they could communicate more effectively. However, he just didn't "get" it ... encourage your husband to get help, and learn better behavior skills through counselling. Otherwise you're both going to be miserable in your marriage, and your kids will, too. Sometimes love just isn't enough to overcome poor behavior – you've got to want to make the changes needed to build a better relationship. good luck, and keep us posted. q
Author Sheba Posted March 29, 2007 Author Posted March 29, 2007 Quankanne, my H has no idea how to "fight fair" - he almost instantly resorts to telling me to "**** off" and "shut the **** up". This even happens if I am careful and trying to be gentle in my approach to a topic I know might be touchy - if it smells like criticism to him in the least he is livid. And, I am very often surprised by what angers him. He is a mystery to me. Of course things cannot go on this way, but so far the only SLIGHT progress has been his admission to the counsellor that "if swearing and name calling is verbal abuse, then I guess I have been abusive". He has yet to apologize or to say he plans on changing, though he does say he does not want the marriage to end. On the other hand, he has come to counselling every week for the past 7 weeks. So, that is a sign of hope. I will hang on to that for now and pray there is no more yelling.
quankanne Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 if he's willing to go to counselling, you're ahead of the game, because that suggests he's open to change. Because it's there he'll learn the tools he needs to communicate more effectively, you know? my husband and I did a Marriage Encounter weekend, and that completely opened his eyes about my position on marriage (Catholic girl, marriage is a sacrament you don't enter lightly, etc). And it helped me to see the roadblocks we encountered were minor when we worked to really communicate with each other. It's made all the difference having those tools from that retreat because we've learned how to fight fairly, how to say what needs to be said, but most importantly, remember that no matter what one of says or does that upsets or even hurts the other, we've chosen love and respect as the basis of our marriage. so hang in there – as he realizes that hurting you hurts your marriage (and therefore him), he's going to adopt better ways of communicating than with cruelty.
Author Sheba Posted March 30, 2007 Author Posted March 30, 2007 So much for optimism. He came to the counselling session yesterday and started to lose his temper at me. His anger escalated to the point of swearing, while the counsellor and I sat silently, then he got up and left. Afterwards, he ranted at me for a while, saying all the usual things, but ultimately said he did not want to end the relationship. I don't know if he will return to see the counsellor next week or not. He is not prepared to say. I am sure that he is completely embarrassed by his behaviour in front of her and also sure that he blames me for that. He also seems to be saying he does not feel he needs to change, it is me that needs to change.
Author Sheba Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 A week has gone by and the good news - for me - is that he is coming to our counselling session today.
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