Worn-Down Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 We've been together 12 years (married for the last 9) and, through a series of events, I've discovered my wife has cheated on me more than once during this time (and not with the same guy). The first, was two occasions with a work colleague of mine. This was within the first 18 months of marriage. The second, about four years in, was with a guy she worked with that she actively lied about in order to hide the "one-off event". The third, a year later, was another work colleague of hers. She claims she wants "us to work" and that she has remained faithful for the last 4-5 years, but i JUST DON'T BELIEVE HER. How can I? How can someone with this pattern of infidelity just suddenly stop? Or can they? Am I wrong to doubt her? I am so confused.... Then, today, she asks me to assist her in the upgrade of the software of her cellphone. We do the backup and perform the upgrade. The data on the phone was stored to the HD of her computer. This consisted of a number of very ordinary "nothing to worry about" photos...but there was one that has me concerned. One photo was one she had taken of herself in which she is naked below the waist. It was only taken a month ago and was never sent to me (i've never seen it before!) so who was it for? Why would you take it "just because"? Surely, that sort of thing, would be taken and sent to someone "special"? She doesn't appear to realise (or at least isn't acknowledging) that i've seen this shot hidden amongst all the others and it's doing terrible things to my head. Any advice would be welcome...
LakesideDream Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Ah... the 21 Century. Welcome to the club. Sounds like grounds for divorce.. if you need grounds in your state. You didn't mention if you had children together. If not.. put an end to this farce. If you do have children, watch Maury, get the DNA labs number off the credits and send em your children's DNA for a little "check up".
Karma24 Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Who cares what the story is behind the photo!??! As if her cheating with three guys wasn't enough to make you run screaming for the hills??! No wonder she has/is cheated/ing on you. She knows that you will put up with her crap. In the meantime you are scratching your head, eyes wide with wonder, trying to figure out what this photo means? Come on now...this is pathetic, really.
Erik Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Karma has it right. By not reacting, you have lost your edge, she no longer respects you. Even if you want to keep her, you should file for divorce, kick her out of your apartment or move yourself, find another woman. If she comes crawling back, don't let her off the hook too easily, string her along for a few months; if she's not ready to beg, you don't want her, make her work hard to get you back. If you take her back, make VERY sure she understands the rules.
lorr Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 As far as I'm concerned your wife is treating you like muggings. For goodness sakes she's cheated on you numerous times since the start of the marriage. That alone should be enough to file grounds for divorce. First time is bad enough, but three times !!!! People will do what you allow them to do. She's obviously seen that your the type of person to turn a blind eye to her cheating behaviour, and now she's pushing the envelope as far as she can. Best thing you can do is get rid...
4whatItsWorth Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 One photo was one she had taken of herself in which she is naked below the waist. It was only taken a month ago and was never sent to me (i've never seen it before!) so who was it for? Why would you take it "just because"? Surely, that sort of thing, would be taken and sent to someone "special"? If I had a photo of me from the waist below I'd send it to nobody else but my fiance. You don't need a woman like me to tell you that she didn't take it to look at it herself, now do you? If you want the brutal details of why a woman would do this here is the possible scenario: GuyOnline: So...when R U gonna let me see UR bits? MW: Teehe...what do U wanna C? GuyOnline: Ur **** (And here comes the part where your wife takes the photo and sends it to the other guy) - a woman does not, and I repeat, does NOT take a photo of herself naked unless she is intending on: 1. Showing it to a man/woman 2. Or trying to have before-and-after pictures of a weight loss! (And the latter is not happening because then it'd been a naked photo from the profile)
mrmaximum Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Sorry Worn, you have been relegated to backup status and only brought out when her temporary first string guy has been sidelined. She has issues that she needs to work out but I agree with what has been posted here so far, she can work them out on her own. so long as she stays with you she won't change, why should she, she gets the best of both worlds. You need to eliminate this joke of a marriage and find someone who will respect you.
1DeadB Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 We've been together 12 years (married for the last 9) and, through a series of events, I've discovered my wife has cheated on me more than once during this time (and not with the same guy). The first, was two occasions with a work colleague of mine. This was within the first 18 months of marriage. The second, about four years in, was with a guy she worked with that she actively lied about in order to hide the "one-off event". The third, a year later, was another work colleague of hers. She claims she wants "us to work" and that she has remained faithful for the last 4-5 years, but i JUST DON'T BELIEVE HER. How can I? How can someone with this pattern of infidelity just suddenly stop? Or can they? Am I wrong to doubt her? I am so confused.... Then, today, she asks me to assist her in the upgrade of the software of her cellphone. We do the backup and perform the upgrade. The data on the phone was stored to the HD of her computer. This consisted of a number of very ordinary "nothing to worry about" photos...but there was one that has me concerned. One photo was one she had taken of herself in which she is naked below the waist. It was only taken a month ago and was never sent to me (i've never seen it before!) so who was it for? Why would you take it "just because"? Surely, that sort of thing, would be taken and sent to someone "special"? She doesn't appear to realise (or at least isn't acknowledging) that i've seen this shot hidden amongst all the others and it's doing terrible things to my head. Any advice would be welcome... She must be real good in the sac for you to have stayed around this long. The problem isn't her. She is doing what she wants. Your problem is you for putting up with it.
serial muse Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Wow, that's just...wrong. I can't imagine why she'd take a picture like that unless she wanted to send it to somebody, and that somebody is not you. She's already lied and cheated multiple times, and now she's even getting careless about whether you catch her...this is not a person you can ever really trust. Looks like it's unanimous - you should think about getting a lawyer and divorce.
Crazy Eddie Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 The question you have to ask yourself is: Would I want to stay with her if I knew she was going to keep cheating? Because the overwhelming likelihood is that she will. If you can live with that, by all means stay married to her. Otherwise, it's time to turn her loose.
Salicious Crumb Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 We've been together 12 years (married for the last 9) and, through a series of events, I've discovered my wife has cheated on me more than once during this time (and not with the same guy). The first, was two occasions with a work colleague of mine. This was within the first 18 months of marriage. The second, about four years in, was with a guy she worked with that she actively lied about in order to hide the "one-off event". The third, a year later, was another work colleague of hers. She claims she wants "us to work" and that she has remained faithful for the last 4-5 years, but i JUST DON'T BELIEVE HER. Nor should you...cheaters are pathological liars. How can I? How can someone with this pattern of infidelity just suddenly stop? Or can they? Am I wrong to doubt her? Even if she physically stops for some reason, the thought is always in their mind that they'd like to do it again...they just chose not to for the sake of the marriage and/or family. One photo was one she had taken of herself in which she is naked below the waist. It was only taken a month ago and was never sent to me (i've never seen it before!) so who was it for? Why would you take it "just because"? Surely, that sort of thing, would be taken and sent to someone "special"? She is full of complete sh!it. She lied. She took that picture for someone else. So she is STILL cheating. My situation is a tad different than yours, my wife hasn't cheated for a long time, and I am pretty sure of that...but the more time goes on, it looks as if divorce is what is coming. But in your situation, she is still cheating...if I found out my wife cheated, say within the last year, I wouldn't have to think about it at all...I'd have her bags packed for her and the door open...and she would be going through that door without my kids. But is she is still cheating on you...you have a hard decision to make of whether to stay or kick her out. Any advice would be welcome... I tell you what....see what happens....show her the picture again...listen to her lie about it...then tell her to pack her bags and get out...see where it goes...she just might do it, but its obvious she is still cheating on you and lied when she said she wanted to work on the marriage. So if she leaves without a fight....let her go. But really...I cannot sit here and tell you that is exactly what you should do....there is no right answer for everyone's different situations. Just listen to everyone and pick what seems best for you. And DO NOT listen to anyone that comes in here and tries to tell you that you weren't giving her something that caused her to cheat. You don't have to break your back to keep someone from cheating. NOBODIES needs are completely met by their SO....the difference in those who cheat and those who don't are, the cheaters are completely selfish and not capable of long term, loving relationships.
Salicious Crumb Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 She must be real good in the sac for you to have stayed around this long. The problem isn't her. She is doing what she wants. Your problem is you for putting up with it. The problem is her....he just needs to decide what to do about it. If she is still cheating and will continue to do so, then I'd say kick her out and get custody of the kids. And keep that picture she took of herself with a date stamp...it may help in getting custody.
Sevenmack Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 The problem Worn, isn't her. She's a skank, plain and simple, and she's not hiding it from you. She'll cheat as long as you're married to her and she'll cheat on her next significant other. That's what she does. The problem is with you. Why haven't you kicked this woman to the curb? You should have given her hell and made her work for forgiveness and fix the marriage the first time. But you let her slide on this one. So she's learned how to treat you like crap. And in all honesty, you deserve it; you deserve the treatment you teach people to give you. Now it's time to collect the evidence, call a lawyer, get a locksmith and kick her to the curb. Then you need to go to therapy and figure out why you've continued to tolerate this abuse and figure out how to avoid future abusers such as her in the future. Because if you don't, you will just end up with another cheating hussy who will do you badly constantly. Best of luck.
1DeadB Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 The problem Worn, isn't her. She's a skank, plain and simple, and she's not hiding it from you. She'll cheat as long as you're married to her and she'll cheat on her next significant other. That's what she does. The problem is with you. Why haven't you kicked this woman to the curb? You should have given her hell and made her work for forgiveness and fix the marriage the first time. But you let her slide on this one. So she's learned how to treat you like crap. And in all honesty, you deserve it; you deserve the treatment you teach people to give you. Now it's time to collect the evidence, call a lawyer, get a locksmith and kick her to the curb. Then you need to go to therapy and figure out why you've continued to tolerate this abuse and figure out how to avoid future abusers such as her in the future. Because if you don't, you will just end up with another cheating hussy who will do you badly constantly. Best of luck. I agree. 100% He's the problem because he hasn't the balls to act!
scubafish Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 worn-down, it seems like alot of this advice is about dumping her, but only you can decide if this relationship is worth saving. it is obvious, she has some issues/needs that are not getting met with you, and it does not mean sex. maybe she likes that big rush of attention , or the secrecy thing gets her off. she needs to talk to a counselor if this is going to work. or maybe you can try some of the other sites recommened on other threads, like marriagebuilders.com . you need to be honest with yourself first though, is she someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.
outofdarkness Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 The question you have to ask yourself is: Would I want to stay with her if I knew she was going to keep cheating? Because the overwhelming likelihood is that she will. If you can live with that, by all means stay married to her. Otherwise, it's time to turn her loose. Yeah, I agree...Is she willing to go to MC w/ you? Expressing remorse is one thing, but actions really do speak louder then words. If she is willing to really do some things that will put you two on the road to a healthier M, then you might want to try...I certainly would not just take her word on it! The picture on the phone is very disturbing, and if I were you, I'd be extremely hurt! I think it's time for you to set some boundaries and stick to them. If she's not willing to go to MC w/ you then go alone. At least you can start you new life on a healthy note...Take care of yourself first!
michelangelo Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 One photo was one she had taken of herself in which she is naked below the waist. It was only taken a month ago and was never sent to me (i've never seen it before!) so who was it for? Why would you take it "just because"? Surely, that sort of thing, would be taken and sent to someone "special"? Um, unless the picture is from above, like she's snapping it, then someone else took the picture pointing it at her from another angle.
Author Worn-Down Posted March 28, 2007 Author Posted March 28, 2007 Thanks ppl. The photo appears to have been taken by her own hand using her cellphone (held down between legs) - quite feasible, I'm sure you'll agree. We will be discussing this situation in about an hour (once she finishes work). It won't be pretty, but needs to be done and I'm not sure where it will all end right now. We have no kids, but I'm damn sure she's not taking as much as she thinks she's worth given the situation.
michelangelo Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Maybe she just wanted to see what it looked like? I know, given the other things pointing towards infidelity, this seems to line up. However, she may have just wanted to take a picture of her hoohah out of curiosity.
reservoirdog1 Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 I have my own opinion, and it's pretty black and white. But only you can decide whether or not there's something in your marriage that's worth saving. All I will say, however, is that it's highly unlikely that you've gotten the whole story from her. Cheaters typically only reveal as much as they think they have to, i.e. as much as they think could be found out later if they don't. If they think nobody will find out, then they won't mention it. My cheating XW had three affairs that I know about, and I have little doubt that there was more that I never got the facts on. Doesn't much matter now, but suffice to say I don't trust her and I don't want her in my life. I'm stuck having to deal with her because of the kids.
Lezbean Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 The only reason she is taking pics of her cooter is to send to someone else. Looks like she is cheating again, or at least seriously thinking about it. Sorry Charlie.
Bryanp Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have put up with such total disrespect and humiliation that she has shown you? She has constantly cheated on you and put your health at great risk for STD's and now this. She has and continues to play you as a total fool. It is horrible that she has such little respect for you but what is worse is that you have so little respect for yourself. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Clearly she has had no problem cheating on you knowing that you will accept any all humiliation from her. Why do you feel you deserve so little in your life? She has made a total mockery of your marriage and of you. Enough is enough!
Sup Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Listen MAN! I agree with dumping this chic like yesterday, but I don't agree with people saying you deserve anything, you're probably still in denial, and it still hasn't fully hit you yet, how long ago since you found out, how did you find out? Please let us know what's happening, in your own time. Remember you can come here 24-7 just to vent, please just keep down the obsene words, I guess the mods here are onto stuff like that.
Glass Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Your W is supposed to be regaining your trust by her actions, not her words. And this action of taking a picture of her crotch is shifty to me, especially since this is the first time you have seen it. If she was curious, she could have spreaded over a hand-held mirror or even asked you. I really say keep your guard up. Cheating after D-day is not uncommon.
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