Guest Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 I have been with mm for 3 years. We have had periods apart but we always get back together. Recently he has been cancelling dates and once did not show up and gave me a lame excuse a couple of days later. He seems on edge on the phone and in our last meetings, not talking and not staying very long. It is like he feels guilty or maybe he has been rumbled at home. Last week II told him I want to see him and he says he will meet me for a cup of coffee. What does that mean--a cup of coffee? That is something you do with friends not lovers. Is he saying that the sex side is over and it is now an emotional affair. Not sure what to think. He has never said it before. Any views please.
Izzar Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Guest, It sounds like he only wants a fwb relationship but only on his terms. On the days he wants to have "coffee", that might mean he's just not in the mood for the sex part of it. IMO
Guest Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Guest, It sounds like he only wants a fwb relationship but only on his terms. On the days he wants to have "coffee", that might mean he's just not in the mood for the sex part of it. IMO He has only recently started saying that he will come round for coffee when things haven't been going too well. Nomally we are intimate every single times he comes round. There is a definite change.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 He's backing out of your relationship. Either his guilt has gotten the best of him and he is backing out for that reason, or he has an OOW and is ready to let you down easy so that he can pick things up with her.
VinaAmez Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 IMO he's using you to fulfill different needs. Doesn't need the sex need from you no more I guess.
overandout Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Guest I agree with the previous poster. Sounds to me like his wife is curtailing his movements--not spending much time with you, on edge--so he is trying to stop the sexual side with you but is not just dumping you coldly. Doesn't sound like he has another OW lined up, but in his mind he has made a decision (as his wife may have confronted him), to work on his marriage, and he can't do that and have an affair with you at the same time. He has stopped sitting on the fence. Put it to yourself, if you told him he could come round for a cup of coffee, he would think that you were ending it without actually saying it. He is actually telling you that the physical affair is over or he wouldnt specifically mention the coming round for a coffee. He is hoping you will take the hint and walk away with some dignity. Let him go as that is hat he wants. If he changes his mind he will come and find you.
Glass Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Don't overanalyze what he says. Remember he didn't put as much thought into it as you can. Take his literal meaning.
VinaAmez Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Maybe this is something new and the first time he's done this.
puddleofmud Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Take no action and wait and see...either he'll come around or he won't--unfortunately, as his "other", that is what is expected of you. However, be aware that this is the standard behavior of a person who is married, so expect no less and no more. Either you accept the behavior and continue to walk on egg shells and a life of waiting around at his convenience OR you decide NOT. The ball in in your court so carefully consider what kind of an R is acceptable for you. Best wishes and think wisely, dear!
SoleMate Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Very few MM practice "clean closure" of affairs with OW. They back out non-verbally. You're actually getting coffee instead of just a "total block"/"instant NC for all eternity". Yes, your affair is over. The only question remaining is how long it will take you to fully realize that.
puddleofmud Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Very few MM practice "clean closure" of affairs with OW. They back out non-verbally. You're actually getting coffee instead of just a "total block"/"instant NC for all eternity". Yes, your affair is over. The only question remaining is how long it will take you to fully realize that. Ouch! So true, so well said and I am thankful to have been reminded...
GreenEyedLady Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Guest: I'm very sorry...it really looks as if he's ending the A...You're right to think that "coffee" is rather impersonal after you've shared so much with someone... Why even go? I think that you should just be like, "No thanks, I have plans," and move on with your life...end it with your pride intact... Again, I'm really sorry...GEL
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 What does that mean--a cup of coffee? That is something you do with friends not lovers. Is he saying that the sex side is over and it is now an emotional affair. Not sure what to think. He has never said it before. No, what his actions are telling you is, it's over. Don't expect an emotional affair. He is detaching or has detached himself from you, hense his distance, him cancelling dates, and not talking to you as much. He's shutdown and I hate to say it, but you better be prepared that he is going to tell you goodbye and it's time to move on. IF that is what he tells you, please, move on. Don't chase him, call him, or expose the affair to his wife. The choice has been made by him (if that is what happens) and once one person wants out, there isn't much you can do but let them go... Don't go unless you're ready to face the reality of your situation.
Momma1015 Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Looks to me like the guilt has gotten to him therefor he's beginning to feel uncomfortable talking to you. Most likely he is going to call it off right now and than wait until his W pisses him off again before he calls you again.
dignityback Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Guest, He is definitely pulling away. If mm had told me that he was coming round for coffee, then I would think he was winding down and probably just wants me to put the nail in the coffin. They don't like saying it is over (sometimes they like to keep you hanging around) but coffee means coffee and you should probably decline because he will probably cancel anyway--it is just words used to soften the blow. He is telling you straight (in his roundabout way), that he isn't interested in having a physical affair with you any longer. That way you can move on with your life. Sounds like his wife is getting suspicious and he has made his choice. Walk away, don't chase and let him go.
Izzar Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Come out & ask him if he'll leave/dicorce his wife? Bet you'll get your answer real quick.
Seen_It_All Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 If the only thing you ever DID was was sex when you saw him, I'd hardly call it love. I'd opt for the coffee, myself. Seems he's lost interest and has moved on. I highly doubt it's guilt since he's done more than fine with it up til now. In the famous words of R.E.M. "...another prop has occupied my time..."
SoleMate Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 ...coffee means coffee and you should probably decline because he will probably cancel anyway-- Very likely, thanks for pointing this out. He's trying to "let you down easy" but the effort (for him) may just become too much....
puddleofmud Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 [in the famous words of R.E.M. "...another prop has occupied my time..." Perfect quote for the day!
2sunny Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 why does it matter anyway? he's married... bottom line - he's always been unavailable and you are just now realizing this....
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