Lost_in_confusion Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 Hi everyone, I am brand-spanking new to the board and am in desperate need of help. I am desperately happy and so very sad all at the same time and am at my wits end with my new boyfriend. I met Mr. X two months ago, and it was an instantaneous attraction. We have a brilliant time together, have many things in common and are so physcially compatible it is almost scary! So, what is the catch, you are asking... He separated from his wife of 7 years in December. Before you judge me, hear me out.... She suffers from bipolar and has been sick for many years. In his own words, the marriage has been over for a very long time. The separation was his idea, and he assures me they are never getting back together. The problem is that she is highly dependant on him. He talks to her every day on the phone (maybe through email as well, I don't know) ... she has no friends and is estranged from her family, in a large part because of her illness. He is it for her. She can't work, so co-workers are not a source of support either. He has been caring for her for many years and finally had to leave for his own health. The marriage was killing him. So - right now where am I at? I think he is really great for standing by her on some level and not abandoning her and trying to be her friend. It shows a great capacity for love. He is a kind man, and I think he feels a lot of guilt. When she calls, he disappears to to take it and then comes back in a foul mood. He has to schedule time to see her, and she will call multiple times in a day. My question is, how do I bring up the issue of boundaries? I want to open up a discussion about this, without putting him on the defensive. I have no intention of saying he can't be friends with her, and see her, etc. But at the same time, he needs to be respectful of my feelings in a way that includes me in his life. Right now, I feel like he is living two separate lives. Help! Lost in Confusion
Bree Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 Hello welcome to the forum I am fairly new too! Well, the way i see it ask him if you both can sit down and have a one on one discussion about something thats been bothering you. (don't say its about the relationship until you've both sat down) The reality of the situation is yes he is commendable for helping his wife, but at the same time she's lived without him before and she can do it again (there is meds. for that and if she's on them she needs to get some different ones that work) ( i have a friend who is bi-polar also) He needs to let go create a little more distance between them (gradually) but enough at a time to where she will eventually realise she is going to have to learn to deal with things on her own. If he truly wants to be with you He'll show you by working on yours and his relationship first rather than his friendship with his (hopefully soon to ex)wife. Hope I helped a little Good Luck and let me know how it goes
sunshinegirl Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 I am two months into a relationship with a guy who is separated from his wife. And to me, two months of dating seems too early to be having that kind of conversation. I wouldn't dream of telling my BF that he needs better boundaries with his ex. Six months in, if we were seriously talking about a future together, and if he was having what seemed to be inappropriate contact with his ex - sure. I'd raise it then. But now? Cart before the horse, it seems. And if he's only just been separated since December, I'd be wary. The marriage may have been "dead" for some time, but the legal act of separating from one's spouse, and the physical act of moving out, can be unexpectedly emotional, even for someone who is sure they don't want to get back together with their spouse. Tread lightly, I'd say. And hold your tongue for the time being.
Author Lost_in_confusion Posted March 27, 2007 Author Posted March 27, 2007 Wow sunshinegirl... I appreciate the brutal honesty. I am not suggesting he needs "better" boundaries at this point.... I just need to know what the boundaries actually are, so I can decide if this is something I want to continue. If it turns out he is still holding her hand, cuddling her for comfort, etc. . . I can't be involved in this. I have been treading lightly ... but by pushing my own concerns to the back. If he really is ready to move on, he will be in a place where he is comfortable talking about it. I am not expecting him to change his life around for me after two months - but I think if he w3ants me to be part of his life, he needs to be able to open about such a hugely important part of it.
sunshinegirl Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 Okay, that's fair. I couldn't quite tell (or I misread) from your original post what you were hoping for by raising the conversation. Some clarity on what his boundaries are makes sense...though I still wonder if you could learn the same thing simply by observing how he deals with her? I'm taking that approach with my BF - I am still learning (through observation) how he talks about and deals with his ex. They have a 5-year old daughter so they have a lot of contact. And, they're not yet divorced. I figure if we're still together in 3-4 months, and if I see a future with him, and they are no closer to being divorced than they are today, you better believe I'm going to raise it. For now, I figure we're still getting to know each other and figuring out if we could have a real future. And thus I don't currently feel the need to explicitly discuss what's going on with his ex. But that's just me.
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