Guest Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 I knew him for 8 years as a friend/colleague. We began an affair when he was M with children and I was living with a partner. This lasted 6 years with no d day and then we parted. I was single and wanted more. A 5 year break, during which time I married, had a child and divorced. He also divorced but moved in with another woman. I got in touch and we have been together again for 4 years. Even when "apart" we have always been in touch, in an EA rather than a PA. So in all, our A, in one guise or another, has lasted for 23 years, through 4 partners. Do I hold the record?
serial muse Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 Guest - not to be too melodramatic, but just think about the body count you're racking up while you two figure out your relationship with each other. It's so incredibly unfair to get involved with people, marry them, have kids with them when in the back of your mind you aren't interested in focusing that emotional energy on them. As you say, that's four partners, aside from the two of you, plus several kids. This is not a "timing issue," this is a matter of both of you using other people to propel yourselves forward, but still hanging onto the past. It just seems so thoughtless; if you're so compelled to be together, why not try both of you being single and dating each other without hurting any new folks? I know you're divorced now, but based on your pattern I'd fear you would start dating again, since he's still involved with someone else. And perhaps you might even marry again. Such unnecessary drama, it seems to me.
Guest Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 Guest - not to be too melodramatic, but just think about the body count you're racking up while you two figure out your relationship with each other. It's so incredibly unfair to get involved with people, marry them, have kids with them when in the back of your mind you aren't interested in focusing that emotional energy on them. As you say, that's four partners, aside from the two of you, plus several kids. I do take your points. I love him, always have, always will. In an ideal world, he would have left his wife for me. I gave up a relationship for him. While not in the PA, I tried to make a marriage work. It genuinely didnt end because of him, but because of us - we just were not suited. I want (hope) that he might yet leave. If not, I will be a part of his life in any way I can. We have both experienced guilt. But after all these years, we still go on. Ps I am tempted to engineer a d day. He isnt married to this one, after all, and he doesnt have children with her, but it does hurt when he tells me how attached his children are to her. I have never had that chance...
Seen_It_All Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Well, it's certainly a record for 'selfish' and 'self serving.'
outofdarkness Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 I knew him for 8 years as a friend/colleague. We began an affair when he was M with children and I was living with a partner. This lasted 6 years with no d day and then we parted. I was single and wanted more. A 5 year break, during which time I married, had a child and divorced. He also divorced but moved in with another woman. I got in touch and we have been together again for 4 years. Even when "apart" we have always been in touch, in an EA rather than a PA. So in all, our A, in one guise or another, has lasted for 23 years, through 4 partners. Do I hold the record? I think you have bigger concerns/worries then whether or not you hold the record. I have not seen a Guiness Book of Records lately, but you can probr. look online.
Jinxx Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Who really gives a rat's ass if you hold the record or not?! After that many years the real question is why aren't you a real couple in a real relationship?
Guest Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 why do you continue this way? Because I love him. Am I the only one who has been in a long term A? Or are all the other OWs just a few weeks or months into their relationships? I think not.. I was curious to know whether any other OWs had lasted as long as me. They probably wont reply because they like me will get flamed. By other OWs!!
serial muse Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Well, I'm not an OW, but from what I gather on here most OW end up in a situation with someone that they didn't anticipate and, when they get fed up with the limitations of the relationship and the various kinds of fallout, leave. You, on the other hand, have made it into a lifestyle - and one that has directly impacted many other people. If you choose to continue hurting yourself this way, that's your choice. What I can't understand, though, is why you (and he) would be okay with dragging other people into your drama, repeatedly? I know you said your marriage didn't end because of him, but it's clear you never really let him go. Perhaps you even chose your last partner as a way to move on, and stayed with him out of loneliness? You wouldn't be the first. But it's very difficult to make a marriage work when one partner has one eye on another prospect. And now you want to break up his current relationship. Generally, I'm all for getting things out in the open, but - and I know this is harsh, and I'm sorry for it - what makes you think he'd choose to be with you? After all, he's had 23 years to make up his mind, and it hasn't happened yet. It seems to me like you're just hanging onto a dream here. You say you'll stay with him no matter what. Will you continue to bring other unwitting people into the drama, too? I sincerely hope not.
Herzen Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 23 years is a long time to be haunted by this Affair-Ghost. A long-time Affair, especially one that morphs into an EA, can be an addiction. Long term Affairs are the crack cocaine of relationships. The Affair-partners, regardless of the status of their non-Affair relationships, live in a haunted, surreal world where the absent Affair-Partner feels more real than than the live partner. Often, present real world partners don't stand a "ghost" of a chance against absent Affair-partners. If it was only an issue of selfishness. Life's often not that simple or rational.Most affairs are 6 months of great sex followed by years of regret, yearning and painful detoxification. An Affair often grips the Heart like a steel vise, and, in the process, mutilates it.
puddleofmud Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 If you feel that you "hold the record" than this is entirely up to you? Should you feel this affair is where you wish to be and continue that is also up to you. However, I am personally confused by your post being that I wish to understand what you WANT from your post? Your R has been long term and apparently acceptable, thus, are we to understand that your feelings have changed?
pricillia Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Well as long as what you got out of the relationship was love and support then that is good, but I think that friends give eachother ES.... so EA"s are just friendship... with a past. Just wondering if you two ever thought of being exclusively with eachother.
sadbuttrue Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 i was not meaning to flame you, if that is what you thought. i was just wondering why you would stay in a R that has not been what you needed. i do not think you should be proud of staying in such a situation for so long. i think it is sad that you have lasted that long.
RecordProducer Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 I love him, always have, always will. In an ideal world, he would have left his wife for me. See, this is a one-sided relationship. You would marry him, but he doesn't even want to date you exclusively. He has kept you as a mistress for 23 years on and off. I want (hope) that he might yet leave. If not, I will be a part of his life in any way I can. He won't leave and you're humiliating yourself by accepting to be with this bigamist for a quarter of a century. You haven't even deserved to be his official girlfriend. Are you that much beneath him? He divorced his first wife and still didn't get serious with you. What is it that you have instead of dignity to accept to share him with another woman? I think it's blind love on your part. But not enough love on his part. I think you've posted before, right?
Guest Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 See, this is a one-sided relationship. You would marry him, but he doesn't even want to date you exclusively. He has kept you as a mistress for 23 years on and off. He won't leave and you're humiliating yourself by accepting to be with this bigamist for a quarter of a century. You haven't even deserved to be his official girlfriend. Are you that much beneath him? He divorced his first wife and still didn't get serious with you. What is it that you have instead of dignity to accept to share him with another woman? I think it's blind love on your part. But not enough love on his part. I think you've posted before, right? Yes I have posted before, and can find no one in my situation or similar. I intend to stay "single" - no more people involved on my side. He isnt going to be with his gf for long, and we may both finally be together properly. Until then, I am staying in his life.
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