The mid-week fear.

[the_pope]

Can anybody else relate to this.

 

I am about 160 miles (3 hour drive) away from my girlfriend. We've been together 2 months and see each other for two whole days every weekend. These weekends are awesome, we both agree. They just get better and better. But, by about mid week, perhaps even by Tuesday, I start getting the fear. I get worried she isn't missing me, even though she clearly says she does, and in no uncertain terms either. I worry when she replies to texts late. Although it is every text, she has an extremely weak signal where she lives. Last night was the first night she didn't text goodnight. This has set me off with the fear.

 

I hate this anxious feeling and guaranteed I start feeling it every Tuesday or Wednesday and it remains until I see her again on Friday night. She says she feels the same but if she did, she'd surely contact me slightly more than she does, or make a few more of her texts a little more romantic. The reason I don't contact her more is because I'd feel vulnerable, stupid and hurt if she doesn't reply in the same manner I text her, which, does happen a little bit. But generally she does reply in kind, but on the odd few times she doesn't it has a devestating effect on my heart.

 

I do not ever express this to her as it would make her feel obliged to text more, or more romantically. I like to know that she has because she has wanted to. But I yearn so bad, its miserable. I do a good job of hiding it so as to appear confident, and strong. But the truth is, I yearn so bad for her love.

[catrocks]

I'm sorry, I can't relate to how you're feeling but I'll try to help.

 

It sounds like you might have self esteem issues which would be where this fear stems from. Have you been in relationships in the past where you have felt like you're doing all the legwork and not getting the same effort back? If this is the case then only you can sort this out. It helps to talk to people when you're feeling down, and maybe try to get to the bottom of your feelings. Perhaps your gf could help you with this, but at the end of the day if this is you, only you can overcome the low self esteem.

 

The other thing I am thinking is that perhaps since you two have only been dating for 2 months you haven't yet reached that level where you trust her completely. It takes time to build trust, and you might just have to wait it out. It's essential in a LDR that you trust your gf completely. I hear that you're not worried that she is going out and having fun without you, which is good, so you obviously do trust her, but the fact that you're worried you miss her more than she misses you suggests that you're not 100% comfortable yet in your relationship. Give it time though, it's not hopeless.

 

Finally, and I don't want this paragraph to sound like I'm being a b!tch because that's not how I mean it, but if you are telling her each week that you're feeling like this (you didn't specify) then she might be slightly put off, it might come across as paranoid and slightly needy. That's not to say that you shouldn't tell her how you're feeling, but be aware that it might be slightly offputting for her to constantly hear you saying that she doesn't text you enough or miss you as much. I hope that didn't come across in a mean way!

 

Remember that everyone is different and some people find it easier to express their feelings and be romantic than others. It might just be that you are more romantic than her, and if that's the case then don't expect her to change that. Just remember that she obviously misses you and wants to be with you or she wouldn't make time to see you every weekend.

 

Sorry I couldn't be more help. Good luck!

[serial muse]

Hi your Holiness.

 

Thinking about this and your earlier thread, it's clear you feel a lot of insecurity in this relationship, but it sounds to me like it's not so much about how she behaves as about fears that you already had going in. I recall that you said you worry about opening up and making yourself vulnerable.

 

But it sounds to me like you don't really have anything to worry about from this relationship - things are going fine. I know it's disconcerting to go from texting every night to missing a night - but that is not necessarily a red flag. For one thing, you've mentioned that she, too, tends to be a bit insecure, so it's possible she may feel worried that texting every night is crowding you. That's why communication is so key - dancing around each other is fun and heightens tension but it can also create misunderstanding where there doesn't need to be any.

 

At any rate, my main point is that people naturally settle into new rhythms as a relationship develops and they become more comfortable with each other. And that's a good thing - you can't keep up the anxiety and churning emotion and also maintain a life. It sounds like you've got a good pattern going of seeing each other, and the details - good night texts, what nights to hang out - should just be things to discuss casually, rather than sources of worry for you.

 

By the way, I can definitely relate - after a few months with my current BF, it felt like he called less often or was less anxious to check in, and I got worried that maybe he was just losing interest. But when we were together, things were clearly still great. So eventually, I brought myself to talk about it with him - and he confirmed that he was as happy as ever; in fact, he was happier because he was becoming more comfortable and less anxious about whether I was interested, and so he didn't feel the need to keep checking on that. And once I absorbed that information, I realized that yay, we were starting the fun, relaxed phase of the relationship: when you have developed enough trust that you begin to expect, rather than anxiously hope, that you'll see each other.

 

Telling him what I felt was very helpful. Another point I can relate is this: I've been with my BF for about 6 months now, and we see each other every weekend and at least once during the week. But we never developed the pattern of talking daily in the interim; usually a few emails, but that's not the same as hearing someone's voice. So I realized that yeah, I'd like to talk to him once a day on the phone, even if for only five minutes to say good night. I have a hard time putting myself out there and looking vulnerable, but I mentioned that to him, apprehensively, and it turned out he felt the same way. I think he didn't want to crowd me. So sometimes it just pays to speak up.

 

It sounds to me like you guys are into each other, but are wary for reasons of your own. Try to relax a bit and enjoy the relationship - it sounds like there's absolutely nothing for you to worry about. Just take care that you aren't both playing it so cool that you scare each other off.

[the_pope]

Thank you both for your kind and considered responses. Just last night she dared me to ring in work sick and drive down to see her. Because, as she was putting it, she missed me so much.

 

I did drive down and it was very exciting and spontaneous.

she said she feels 100% secure in our relationship which I suppose is good.

 

But I'm still in the phase of signing into Yahoo everyday and miss not seeing her there as much.

 

But, the very fact she wanted me to go see her spontaneously mid week, the first time she has done so yet, told me a lot. We had a fantastic night.

 

I'm just a sucker for romance and hate not getting so many emails and chats on Yahoo. But I suppose that is just what happens.

 

My last relationship, also a long distance one, ended in tears when she cheated on me a lot and lied so much. I believe this to be the source of my recent anxiety.

 

So in all, I guess I've nothing to worry about. Just yesterday she downloaded an applicatin form for a job in my town. So that says a lot.

[Guest]

Can anybody else relate to this.

 

Hi,

 

I can relate to how your feeling, I see my bf at wkends. we have been going out for 5mths & were seeing each other for a little before that. When he comes home I dont get all of his attention but the time we spend together is great & we get on so well.

 

Like you, I was treated badly to say the least in my previous relationship & has only been recently that he has stopped bothering me. The guy im with now has been understanding about this, but because I hid my feelings when we first started going out, he found a problem & would say that he wants me to txt him asthough I wasnt jst his friend & show him more public affection. He would call me almost every night & we would talk for ages.

 

After time, I started to feel more towards him, but it seems now that im the one considering how he feels all the time. I understand that he works away & is busy, but I feel that he doesnt keep the excitement in the relationship. We now only speak for about 10mins if that every night, but thats when its conveniant for him. I txt him atleast once a day to show im thinking about him, however, he doesnt reply. I would like the odd txt just to show that hes thinking of me & so i can get excited about seeing him.

 

He tells me I should tell him how i feel, so I tell him that it isnt about not txting me all day, but it makes me feel that he doesnt need to make the effort after only 5mths & the things he used to say to me when we first got together. This is why im confused as to why he doesnt see my point & now ive mentioned how it bothers me, hes comparing me to his ex which i dont take kindly to. This is exactly why i didnt want to show my feelings.

 

I'm not quite sure what's the best thing to do, i've never met anyone like him & we are like best friends aswel as a couple. I dont have a issue with him being away in the week, but i want some attention from him via txt so i feel excited, i really dont think im asking for much, but by him saying im being unreasonable it makes me start to doubt if i am or not.

 

Im an easy going person & it takes a lot for me to get jealous or paranoid, but i like to have some romance & be swept off my feet! haha im making myself laugh now! but really, this is how i feel.