EmotionalBlackMail Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 My situation might be different from others here. let me explain it. i have been friends with this guy (we will call him jon) for one year. we went to separate colleges that are close by each other. in the past few months, we started hanging out a lot and spending a huge amount of time together. we went out on weekends, talked online, and on the phone. one night,i told him that i had feelings for him when he was trying to get me to go out to a bar with him. this only encouraged him to plead with me to come out to the bar. then one night, we ended up fooling around. he was really into it. i sent him a message saying that i had feelings for him and he responded to it by saying that he felt the same way. he continued to call me all the time. we have a lot in common so our conversations would last a long while and we continued to talk everyday. i was confused about our situation. even though we were spending so much time together, i didnt know why he didnt want to commit to anything since it was obvious he really liked me. i called him out on it and he finally admitted to me that he had a girlfriend that was studying in france for the semester. he told me this on valentines day. so basically i was "dumped" even though we weren't technically together. i was really crushed because we had spent so much time together and both of us had obviously developed feelings for the other. i was also dissapointed since i had hooked up with him without knowing that he had someone else. i was angry. he told me that our situation made him confused about his relationship but that he still really wanted to be friends with me because he loves hanging out with me. i ignored him for 2 days but for whatever reason, i started talking to him again. he became really upset with me for ignoring him, saying that he couldn't handle it and that he thought it was immature. he called me that friday and we took a drive together. i saw his house for the first time. we hung out until about 5 in the morning. we basically reverted back to how it was before i found out about his gf except we didnt do anything physical. every weekend he would call me and ask me to go out with him. we talked on-line for hours every day. i was starting to feel a bit foolish because i felt like i was his mistress, even though we weren't doing anything physical. a few weeks ago, we went out to the bar together and he brought me home. we talked for a really long time outside of my building and he kept telling me things like about how in the future we should be together because of this and that. it was halfway joking since i obviously know he's in a relationship but he kept talking about the reasons why we should be together in the future. then, i got to my room, and he called me after he dropped me off at like 4 in the morning. we talked for awhile as we normally would and then he made some comment about how i should change over the phone just to "be comfortable" and so i could talk to him before going to sleep. he asked me what i was wearing to bed, and made several more sexual comments. he had called me out earlier in the night when i went to the bar with a friend of mine that has a gf because it's obvious that this friend of mine likes me. it upset him that i came to the bar with this friend. i didnt understand why he would act upset with me for that since jon himself has a gf and jon and i hang out all the time. it was as if he was trying to make me feel bad for it and we got into a fight about it earlier on at the bar. the next day, i thought about the situation and felt like an idiot. i felt completely used. we honestly had a good friendship and when he told me that he wanted to stay friends, i thought maybe we could work that out. i never have brought up any sexual comments to him because i disagree with doing that if you're in a relationship with someone else. i was the one that tried to keep it on a friendship level but he is the person that pushes the limits by making sexual references and contacting me all the time. i started to become really uncomfortable when i thought about the situation and thought about how i would feel if i were in his gf's shoes. obviously she has no indication of what went down at all and about him and i's strange friendship. well, it came to be a few days before spring break. i contacted him about something and instead of being my friend, all he commented back was some flippant sexual comment. it was as if he wanted to be able to have this type of banter with me and emotionally lead me on but also stay really good friends with me. i decided that this was the last straw and sent a long e-mail saying that i didn't appreciate being used for entertainment and that i was done being friends with him. i sent it right before he was about to visit his gf in france, which i kind of felt badly about because i thought maybe it was poor timing. over break, i continued to think about the situation because i had increasingly relied on jon's friendship. i was so used to talking to him in some form every day and hanging out with him on the weekends but it really hurt that our friendship had deteriorated into this weird relationship. we honestly used to have great times together, but now i was starting to feel as if i was his sexual pasttime even though we weren't doing anything together, which is weird in itself. after i came back from break, he tried to contact me on-line. one evening, i responded back because he asked me if i was permanently avoiding him. i told him that i simply didn't know what to say anymore. he told me that i could ask about his break which went horribly because his gf "broke his heart" and now he doesn't want anything to do with her. honestly, this really hurt my feelings...i don't know if he thought that it would make me feel happy, but it moreso made me feel like a fool. that night we saw each other at the bar i frequent and he tried to talk to me several times. i finally just sat down and had a conversation with him. he told me he deserved the e-mail and then kept asking me to go to this movie on friday but i didn't say if i could or not. i have definitely been acting more distant. since he saw me on saturday, he still ims but i don't respond all the time. i don't know how i feel about this situation. whenever we talk, he is always the one to initiate contact. prior to all of our fights, i never contacted him first. he always called or wrote and invited me places, so i never felt that i seemed desperate but at the same time, he knew that he had me on a string since i admitted to having feelings for him. i'm conflicted since i like to be a forgiving person. my religion teaches this and i feel as if ending our friendship through an e-mail was a really horrible thing to do but he has emotionally strung me along so much that i don't know if i should feel bad. i want to still be friends with him (i guess) but i don't know if i'm just kidding myself here. i have feelings for him still and it's hard to get over them since i only recently found out about his relationship. honestly, this situation has left me with really poor self-esteem. i don't know why he keeps contacting me if he doesn't have feelings for me. he also leaves lyrics in his info that i know are messages to me because they come from songs we have talked about extensively. i don't know why he keeps stringing me along and if i should apologize for the e-mail i sent, or if i should just continue to cut contact completely. i am so confused. i had never felt such a connection with someone before but i also am a person that understands self-respect is not only important, but imperative to living a productive life. : ( if i were to become friends with him again, would this be detrimental to my self-respect? i probably blew the whole "take me serious when i say i don't want to be friends" thing when i talked to him at the bar. am i blowing all of the sexual comments out of proportion? was it really appropriate for a guy with a gf to go out with another girl on weekends and spend hours with her in this manner, even if nothing physical is happening? it feels very strange to me. i'm not sure if i am too religious or "moral" in my views. i also am confused as to why he wants to talk to me so badly.
Guest Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 I understand the boundaries of self-respect and morality. If you don't want him stringging you around tell him that. I know you both were just friends, but this sounds pretty close to a relationship to me. Talk with him...tell him to be staight forward with you ...an honestly no bull****. You've told this guy how you feel and I think he should take that into consideration. You've already made it clear of what you will not stand for (those sexual comments do worry me), and if you decide to take that step further make sure he sees where his boundaries are.
norajane Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 was it really appropriate for a guy with a gf to go out with another girl on weekends and spend hours with her in this manner, even if nothing physical is happening?NO, his behavior with you is not appropriate AT ALL when he has a gf. And you DID do something physical with him when you did not know he had a gf. He deceived you, and he cheated on her. Regardless of the connection you feel with him and your attraction to him, you KNOW his true colors. He is someone who can lie and cheat and string you along and his gf both. I don't believe you need to apologize for your email, and I think you know this attachment is unhealthy and unfair to you. Please don't let his attentiveness to you fool you - he isn't an honest person, so you cannot trust him. Even if he ends up breaking up with his gf, you have no reason to believe that he wouldn't do the same thing to you that he has been doing to her. He can apparently live a double life without a qualm or any concern for who he hurts.
Author EmotionalBlackMail Posted March 27, 2007 Author Posted March 27, 2007 Thank you for your replies. when i got back from break, he kept trying to contact me and when i caved in, he mentioned that things between him and his g/f had gone sour and that he didn't want anything to do with her. i don't want to date jon because of all the things that he's done, but i'm wondering if it would be foolish to even just be friends with him. i don't know. this situation has me feeling really used. i feel like the only reason why he talks to me so much is because i'm there. he has told me in the past that he really respects me, but i feel like i've been treated in a really disrespectful manner.
Guest Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 I have been thinking about this a little bit more...how can I even believe that he and his gf are broken up? It's not that i want to start dating him, but it seems a little weird to me.
norajane Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 I have been thinking about this a little bit more...how can I even believe that he and his gf are broken up? It's not that i want to start dating him, but it seems a little weird to me. That's exactly the problem. Because he hid the fact that he had a girlfriend until after you had fooled around, because he's hiding you from her - you can't trust him. You'll always have those kind of doubts...did he break up, is he still talking to her, are they getting back together, is there some third woman who's getting his attention when you aren't around... Lying is lying. You never know when a liar is going to decide to behave selfishly and lie to get what he wants.
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