jaycie724 Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 It’s hard to even know where to begin the story of Doug and I. Six and a half years is a long time to try to sum up in a short length of text…or even a moderate length of text. But I’ll try.[/FONT] [FONT=Garamond] [/FONT] [FONT=Garamond]Before I begin, keep in mind that Doug and I came from similar backgrounds. We were the kids who were always picked on in school. Neither one of us had a serious relationship before and I had never really dated before. Other than first kisses, we were the first *everything* for each other. That’s part of what makes this so hard, that the man I fell in love with first could trash my heart as horribly as he did.[/FONT] [FONT=Garamond] [/FONT] [FONT=Garamond]We met in fall of 2000. We saw each other on our first day of undergrad because we both got to school an hour before the first classes met to make sure we had a parking spot. I noticed him right away, primarily because his hair was dyed an unfortunate shade of blonde. It turned out that we had our English classes at the same time, in the same building but in different rooms. A week or two later, we had our first conversation over a cigarette lighter. His broke, and after watching him try over and over to make it work, I offered him mine and we struck up a conversation. I remember that day after he left, I pretended to go to class and ran to my step-mom’s office (she worked at the university, also in the same building) and was all girly and giggly and excited that I met a boy who seemed so sweet. We continued to meet and talk every day we had class for weeks until finally I mustered up the nerve to ask him to see a movie with me at the student center (they projected movies on the side of a building and called it “movies on the lawn). We did that for a couple of weeks before we went on our first date – dinner and a movie. It wasn’t long before our first semester was over and by that point, I was completely smitten with him. I loved him by that point, I was sure. Later, I realized that was just the beginning of the strong feelings I would later develop for him.[/FONT] [FONT=Garamond] [/FONT] [FONT=Garamond]Throughout our first two years of college, we did everything together. We went to movies, took classes together, got to know each other’s families, celebrated birthdays and holidays. By our third year together, we were 21 and ready to move in together. Our first year living together was, thus far, the best year of my life. We struggled financially but got through it. We both picked up part-time jobs with our schools athletics dept and worked at school football games. We had a blast. We got really into hockey and went to over half of our local team’s home games. We collected memorabilia and decorated our apartment with hockey sticks, mini goalie masks, jerseys, and signed pucks – basically sacrificed everything to decorate our little place. He taught me sports, explained the details of hockey to me at the games. Now I’m a huge fan (of course, since we broke up watching hockey makes me cry). We moved into another apartment a year later and I graduated from undergrad. I took a semester off from school and just enjoyed living with him. We each worked two jobs to save money, but we continued with our love of hockey and fell even deeper in love with each other. By this point, I knew he was the person I could grow old with. He was everything to me.[/FONT] [FONT=Garamond] [/FONT] [FONT=Garamond]The semester off came and went and it was time for me to take the next steps towards fulfilling my lifelong dream of earning a PhD. I was heading off to grad school and he wanted to go with me. I applied to 7 schools and let him pick which one we’d go to. We took long car rides to visit the school and the campus, to find a place to live, then, finally to move here. That was the beginning of the end. It took him 4 months to find a job here, he started attending school to finish his undergrad but quit going. He was depressed and homesick and I couldn’t leave but gave him the opportunity to. He didn’t want to. But then he found a job at a local home-improvement store (bet you can’t guess where) where he was promoted something like 4 times in 2 months and became a department head. He actually was in a position to finish his degree and go into upper management. He proposed on February 3, 2006 and I thought things were starting to look up. But, then, he didn’t want to go to school anymore and that was a problem for me. So I pushed him to continue until maybe October of 2006. Finally I realized that I love him with or without the degree. Unfortunately, he was intimidated by me and my friends at school. Our graduate studies were a problem for him. He didn’t like the time I spent at school, etc. I needed him desperately to get through it. I made time for him the very best I could, but I’ll admit that I did take advantage of him. I assumed that he would always be there, I let him take care of me, I let him take care of the pets, clean up, etc. I was just so tired and worn down. [/FONT] [FONT=Garamond] [/FONT] [FONT=Garamond]Somewhere around November of 2006, things began to very slowly go downhill (though I didn’t realize that until this week). He mentioned a friend of his at work and how her fiancée wanted to double with Doug and I because he had a problem with his girl hanging out with Doug all the time and didn’t believe that I existed. I should have had little red flags going off in my head. But I never had a reason not to trust him in the past, so why should I worry about some random jealous guy? Boy was I wrong. By January, I went out of town for a few days to visit my mom who lives across the country and when I got back everything was different. He started making fun of me, giving me a hard time, correcting me when I spoke, and just going out of his way to try to make me feel bad. When I told him that it bothered me, he just gave me a hard time about it. So I talked to my mom and she suggested that maybe since I just started hardcore wedding planning and found my wedding dress that he had some nerves about the wedding (I had put off planning until December/January so I could finish my classes). So we went out to dinner one night and had a talk about it and he admitted that he was scared to get married and that he felt like he was being tied down too young without enough experience in the world, etc. The next week I learned that he grew really close to his friend from work (the one mentioned above with the jealous fiancée). Her name is Stephanie. For three weeks we’d have these serious talks and more and more information would come out until finally on February 4, 2007 (yup, one year and a day after our engagement) he admitted that he and Stephanie had feelings for each other. He said that he kissed her once and he didn’t love her. He agreed to go to couple’s counseling.[/FONT] [FONT=Garamond] [/FONT] [FONT=Garamond]Couples’ counseling is where it got bad. While we’re in counseling he talked about how he was sexually abused at school when he was younger. He talked about how he tried to tell his mom and she didn’t do anything. Then he talked about how he tried to kill himself twice. Our counselor focused on how he and I try to feel safe and Doug said that he only felt safe when he was alone and that in order for him to cope with the abuse in his past, he needed to be alone a lot. He REFUSED to get help of any kind. He asked that I let him go to a hotel room once every week or two to work things out on his own. Our agreement was that he would text me goodnight when he went to bed and we wouldn’t contact each other until the next day. Well the first night he was gone, it was 3am and I hadn’t heard from him yet and I was really worried. I was scared that he was depressed and tried to kill himself. I was sick with worry. So I sent him a text to no answer. I called his hotel room, no answer. I called his cell phone, no answer. Finally after 3 calls he answered and by this point I’m halfway hysterical because I was so very scared that he wasn’t ok. So I’m talking to him and he lowered his voice and said “I cant talk about this right now” so I asked why and then asked him who was there. He denied it, but my gut told me otherwise. Then, he comes out with this whole thing that he’d like to try to sleep with me again and foolishly I believed him (he had cut sex off because of his abused background and said he couldn’t handle the intimacy). So we’re in bed and I noticed that he was groomed (I’m sorry, but if you’ve been sexually abused and haven’t had sex in like 2 months, are you really gonna be groomed? Probably not) and then he started pulling new positions on me. It was just weird and awkward. The next week in counseling he broke up with me. It was one week before my graduate defense. Since then, he’s spent 4 or 5 nights with her. He’s been seeing her all along. He told me he was painting at a friends house (via text message) then I found a receipt (left on top of his nightstand, I wasn’t snooping at this point) for a mini golf place for two people. I’m sorry and I could be wrong, but I don’t know any 25 yr old men who go and play mini golf for fun after work if there aren’t girls involved. I checked his bank account and saw that he also went to a nice Italian restaurant in town that same night. Sounds like a date to me. A couple of times he said he was at work, then I’d call his work (for a reason, not just to check up on him, though it was a part of it) and they’d say he wasn’t working then. [/FONT] [FONT=Garamond] [/FONT] [FONT=Garamond]The thing is, all this time, I had a really strong gut feeling that he was cheating on me, but I guess it’s my lack of experience or something, but I just didn’t want to believe it. Until last Sunday. Last Sunday, I opened up his nightstand drawer and right in the very front, there was a little note with green ink (it stood out and it was right out in the open) and I typically go in that drawer anyway to put stuff away. I take it out and read it. It said:[/FONT] [FONT=Garamond] [/FONT] [FONT=Garamond]“Hey Honey,[/FONT] [FONT=Garamond]I’m going to miss you today! It sucks that we always work a different schedule. I hope you slept well last night. I like the idea of us having a quicky on lunch next Friday then, spending the night together again. Although we really would have big grins on our face when we showed up for work on Saturday. We would definitely have to avoid each other. But, if your up for another night like we had on Saturday I’m ready. I LOVE YOU!! Enjoy your meeting today. Try not to think about making love in the bathroom up against the wall [/FONT][FONT=Wingdings]J[/FONT][FONT=Garamond]”[/FONT] [FONT=Garamond] [/FONT] [FONT=Garamond]I felt like the bottom of my world dropped out. I knew for sure that the Saturday night I was up until 3am hysterical with worry, he was with her. He wasn’t alone dealing with his abused past. He’s spent many nights with her since then…even though he broke up with me a week before my defense, it was initially intended to be a 6 month sabbatical and we would re-evaluate in September. He promised that during that time he wouldn’t be with another girl…he was going to work on himself. Because of that situation he had promised me that on the day of my graduate defense he would take me out to a nice dinner and spend the evening with me to celebrate. He took me to Applebee’s and rushed me through a 45 minute dinner only to take off to “go to a friends house” where he later sent me a paragraph long text message that he was too drunk to drive and they took his keys. I didn’t buy it then (to clarify, I found the letter referenced above 2 days after this, so I didn’t know for sure at that point).[/FONT] [FONT=Garamond] [/FONT] [FONT=Garamond]He’s slept with her overnight many nights since then, but still won’t admit it. I understand that he’s with someone else. I know that he’s looking at 2 bedroom apartments only (which makes sense because she has a 2 year old who would need her own bedroom) and I am next to positive based on his reactions that he’s planning on moving in with her. There are a lot of things at this point that are bothering me. Most of all, he dumped me A WEEK BEFORE MY GRADUATE DEFENSE. That in and of itself is horrible but after everything he is still lying to me about Stephanie. I don’t understand the purpose for continuing the lie for so long. Why? He got his freedom but he calls me up and just starts lying. I’m also next to positive that everything he brought up in counseling was a lie – sort of a perversely creative way to enable his affair even more. I just don’t get the purpose, why go through all the trouble of lying about it? Just take her and go, get out of my home, leave me alone. I feel like I make progress when I’m on my own, but then I see him and I stumble back. As you all have seen in my past posts I’ve lost 14.5lbs in a little over a week.[/FONT] [FONT=Garamond] [/FONT] [FONT=Garamond]I know that I cannot begin to really heal until he leaves. He says that he is looking to move out at the end of April but I cannot live like this for another month. I need him out NOW. Unfortunately, both of our names are on our apartment lease and I cannot legally get rid of him and due to other reasons I’m not in a position to leave right now. If I did he would have an opportunity to ruin my credit. I talked to him last night and told him that I knew he was involved with someone else, that I suspected it was Stephanie, and fine, be with her. But move out of the apartment and stop rubbing it in my face. He laughed at me and told me that there was no one else and I’m making it up. I think I’m going to confront him tonight with the note. I’m just tired of the lying. Of course, I’ve learned over the past 2 weeks that he is a compulsive liar. I need him gone. Everyone send prayers please, I need them.[/FONT]
AriaIncognito Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 Wow, long post. I have to say, it sounds like you are way too good for this guy. He doesn't deserve your loyalty or you love, from the sounds of it. I know that doesn't make coping with this any easier, though. Only thing I can say is, do your best to get through this next month as best you can. Take care of yourself. The best revenge you can have is looking great and happy and him wondering how you could be so awesome without him. I wish I could offer better advice. Hopefully, your pain will ease quickly. In the mean time, keep posting, and we'll keep reading.
Author jaycie724 Posted March 28, 2007 Author Posted March 28, 2007 Well I talked to him last night and he went out today and got an apartment. He moves out in a week and a half. Its what I wanted and its what I know its best for me, but I'm devastated. I feel so terribly lonely and the only person who can comfort me is him. I know he cant and wont be there for me...but the void is just so big. I'm so upset..I can't seem to get a grip
Icantletgo Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 I'm so sorry Jaycie. I hope your day was a little better. What is helping me??? Well being at home all day is what I thought i wanted. I just wanted to lay in bed and watch tv...I didn't answer phone calls, i didn't wanna see my friends. But i feel a little stronger now. I had gained 10 lbs while with my ex...so i'm starting to eat better and starting to exercise. Believe it or not...it helps me. Knowing that I'm looking and feeling better gives me strength to make it through the day. I felt like I lost my best friend. My companion for life...but a year or so from now, you'll be fine. What do you do for a living?? Finishing my grad school studies is what is motivating me... He only has an associates. Good luck sweetie. Sleep well...Pray to God each night and ask him for strength.
Icantletgo Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Oh yea...another thing that made me smile and feel a little better... When he and her were having problems a couple months ago..he called me and came to talk to me about it....and when she called him while he was here..HE LIED TO HER and told her he was home. A little lie I know...but knowing that he was already lying to her made me feel THAT much better. Did she know about you??? Or the whole situation??? A quote I love to think about is this "the best revenge is to let her keep him"
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