KittenMoon Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 I don't understand. For years in college I tried to get my ex to go out and do stuff like parties. He mostly preferred to stay in and play games. For years the only concerts were ever went to were ones I came up with, and most of our social activites were of my design, parties were organized mainly by me, etc etc. When it came to travel, it was always "I can't take the time off from work". Even getting him to take time off for family holidays was like pulling teeth. I have to admit, the times HE showed initiative in organizing something, or doing something, I was always (happliy) surprised. This whole time he acted like the sun rose and set with me. A little over a year ago he broke up with me. I'm still in daily pain. But sometimes the worst part is suddenly he's out partying at bars, doing all this social stuff. He took a two week vacation to Japan last summer. And today it came to my attention he got a tattoo. A big one, not something small. (It's also ugly but that's besides the point) I just don't get what happened. He has become nearly a complete opposite of the person I knew. And I still miss him so much, as stupid as that is. But I don't even know who this person is- I'm just completely and continually overwhelmed that someone can change SO much. He's acting like some rebellious teen, not like the mid-20s educated career oriented person I always tried to get to loosen up! I mean, what's the point of being with someone when they can just do a complete turnaround like this?!!! What's the point when they wait to become the person you encouraged to come out... only after you're gone?
Pyro Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 The later part of the teens and a good portion of the 20's are the times when we go through trials and tribulations and find out who we really are. For someone his age, change is pretty common. I believe that everything happens for a reason and their is a reason why he is your ex.
1DeadB Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 I don't understand. For years in college I tried to get my ex to go out and do stuff like parties. He mostly preferred to stay in and play games. For years the only concerts were ever went to were ones I came up with, and most of our social activites were of my design, parties were organized mainly by me, etc etc. When it came to travel, it was always "I can't take the time off from work". Even getting him to take time off for family holidays was like pulling teeth. I have to admit, the times HE showed initiative in organizing something, or doing something, I was always (happliy) surprised. This whole time he acted like the sun rose and set with me. A little over a year ago he broke up with me. I'm still in daily pain. But sometimes the worst part is suddenly he's out partying at bars, doing all this social stuff. He took a two week vacation to Japan last summer. And today it came to my attention he got a tattoo. A big one, not something small. (It's also ugly but that's besides the point) I just don't get what happened. He has become nearly a complete opposite of the person I knew. And I still miss him so much, as stupid as that is. But I don't even know who this person is- I'm just completely and continually overwhelmed that someone can change SO much. He's acting like some rebellious teen, not like the mid-20s educated career oriented person I always tried to get to loosen up! I mean, what's the point of being with someone when they can just do a complete turnaround like this?!!! What's the point when they wait to become the person you encouraged to come out... only after you're gone? :( Maybe, now don't take this the wrong way, but just maybe, he did't want to be seen in public with you. Did you ever think of that?
Author KittenMoon Posted March 26, 2007 Author Posted March 26, 2007 I believe that everything happens for a reason and their is a reason why he is your ex. Ug, I wish I could see that reason, because it seems like the only thing that's resulted from all this is my utter misery. Maybe, now don't take this the wrong way, but just maybe, he did't want to be seen in public with you. Did you ever think of that? Wow, this raised my hackles, but that's not it in the slightest. I didn't mean to imply we NEVER went out together. We went out all time time, but the "college life" and adventurous types of activites involved only me generally, or the both of us with a lot of coaxing from me.
1DeadB Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Just go find someone else. There are so many men. I know a few. They are all great and any one of them could replace the other. Loosen up and have a good time. Maybe you'll get lucky.
Pyro Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Ug, I wish I could see that reason, because it seems like the only thing that's resulted from all this is my utter misery. Perhaps you have not let go of him all the way. That is the first thing that you need to do if you ever want to truly get over your ex. I know that its easier said then done, but if you truly want to get over this bump, you will find the will and a way to accomplish that.
shockandawed Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Hi Kitten, I seem to have the same effect on people. My ex-wife, who I have a good relationship with. The entire time we were married, I felt like I tried to get her out and be more social. I volunteered on soccer teams, committees for the kids, always had work related functions, etc... And she never liked to be involved. She would go to some grudgingly, but never loosened up and socialized with people. After our divorce, she ended up with a man who has been single for quite some time. He is very social and she just loves to go along. They hang out at a country club, she has many friends now and she is even learning to play golf. I tried for years to get her out on a course. I am sure your issues had nothing to do with you. Just one of those things I guess.
Author KittenMoon Posted March 26, 2007 Author Posted March 26, 2007 It's just so frustrating- it makes me feel like I held him back from this stuff when the fact was I was always encouraging him to loosen up.... I mean, if he had shown one ounce of real enthusiasm for anything other than work and TV......
CaliGuy Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 I don't understand. For years in college I tried to get my ex to go out and do stuff like parties. He mostly preferred to stay in and play games. For years the only concerts were ever went to were ones I came up with, and most of our social activites were of my design, parties were organized mainly by me, etc etc. When it came to travel, it was always "I can't take the time off from work". Even getting him to take time off for family holidays was like pulling teeth. I have to admit, the times HE showed initiative in organizing something, or doing something, I was always (happliy) surprised. This whole time he acted like the sun rose and set with me. A little over a year ago he broke up with me. I'm still in daily pain. But sometimes the worst part is suddenly he's out partying at bars, doing all this social stuff. He took a two week vacation to Japan last summer. And today it came to my attention he got a tattoo. A big one, not something small. (It's also ugly but that's besides the point) I just don't get what happened. He has become nearly a complete opposite of the person I knew. And I still miss him so much, as stupid as that is. But I don't even know who this person is- I'm just completely and continually overwhelmed that someone can change SO much. He's acting like some rebellious teen, not like the mid-20s educated career oriented person I always tried to get to loosen up! I mean, what's the point of being with someone when they can just do a complete turnaround like this?!!! What's the point when they wait to become the person you encouraged to come out... only after you're gone? All this should serve to remind you to be thankful it didn't work out. Imagined if you married this guy and he acted this way. Better to be single and lonely than married and miserable!
Author KittenMoon Posted March 26, 2007 Author Posted March 26, 2007 Better to be single and lonely than married and miserable! What about single and lonely and miserable? Haha.
jaycie724 Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 It's just so frustrating- it makes me feel like I held him back from this stuff when the fact was I was always encouraging him to loosen up.... I mean, if he had shown one ounce of real enthusiasm for anything other than work and TV...... Wow, I can relate to this one. Doug never wanted to do anything with me. I couldn't get him to go out on dates or anything. His idea of a big date was getting take out and renting a movie. This was a step up from just ordering a movie from pay per view and having a pizza delivered. I wanted to do fun stuff - go bowling, see a movie, play mini golf, learn how to play real golf or go to the driving range, learn how to play raquetball, hiking, take the dogs out to a dog park, etc. He NEVER wanted to. But he does all of those things with her. He takes her out to eat AT LEAST 5 times each week. He can't afford to get the heck out of my apt but he can afford to feed her on half a million dates. He even tried blaming it on me. He told me that I wasnt patient enough, that I wasn't in shape enough (hes just as out of shape as me, besides its taking the dogs out, not completing a marathon), that I never made time for him etc. It wasn't my fault. He was just looking for excuses to blame me. It really sucks. I wish I had stood up for myself instead of letting him tear me down so much. Now I'm alone, missing him, desperately sad, and down on myself. I would never treat someone like this...I don't know how people are capable of being so cruel Sorry for the rant, I guess - long story short - I know how you feel and it sucks!
Trialbyfire Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 People rarely change unless something traumatic happens like losing you.
AriaIncognito Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 KittenMoon, We all change quite a bit through our lives. I know I'm not the same exact person now that I was a few years ago. Time changes us. Experiences change us. More importantly, people around us change us. The thing of it is though, we don't change until we are ready, which doesn't always coincide with the person who wants us to change timeline. Also, people can change for the worse, which I'd assume is one attributing factor to the divorce rate. People that change so much they no longer see the person they married. It's sad, but unfortunately seems to be the natural progression. As for your ex, who knows. He could be having a better life because of your impact. Be proud that you were able to afford him that, even if you aren't the one with him. If you do love him, you will be able to have that happiness for him, regardless of your involvement. That's when you'll know you've moved on, and had a healthy love, all at the same time. Or, i could be talking out of my rear end lol. I just need to believe that in the end, we'll all find a good reason as to why we have all this heartache now.
Author KittenMoon Posted March 27, 2007 Author Posted March 27, 2007 KittenMoon, We all change quite a bit through our lives. I know I'm not the same exact person now that I was a few years ago. Time changes us. Experiences change us. More importantly, people around us change us. The thing of it is though, we don't change until we are ready, which doesn't always coincide with the person who wants us to change timeline. Also, people can change for the worse, which I'd assume is one attributing factor to the divorce rate. People that change so much they no longer see the person they married. It's sad, but unfortunately seems to be the natural progression. As for your ex, who knows. He could be having a better life because of your impact. Be proud that you were able to afford him that, even if you aren't the one with him. If you do love him, you will be able to have that happiness for him, regardless of your involvement. That's when you'll know you've moved on, and had a healthy love, all at the same time. Or, i could be talking out of my rear end lol. I just need to believe that in the end, we'll all find a good reason as to why we have all this heartache now. It's nice, and I do try, to think about things in a positive light like this, but mostly I just hurt and hurt. And no matter what I've done to cope, well, it hasn't quit. I truly hope there is a reason for all this heartache now, because I'm so tired of feeling this empty and sad all the time. I gotta say I'm having a helluva cry about this- wouldn't you know this happens right as I am transitioning between two depression meds? My emotions have been thrown off for about a week now, it just figure something like this would come along now.
AriaIncognito Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 That could be why it's affecting you as hard as it is. Switching those kinds of medications isn't easy from what I understand. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I understand it too, unfortunately. I just hope it gets better for all of us copers.
RecordProducer Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 Kitten, I think he misses you. Or he misses the relationship. He was comfortable with you when you were together. You won't believe how men think until you hear them pronounce some words. I've accused my hsuband a million times of not going out with me and he used to go out a lot. You know what he told me? "I love being at home and having you around. I'm having the time of my life." For him, who has gone out for years, having a family at home was the time of his life. For me, who have been sitting at home for years with my kids and mom, going out would be the time of my life. Also, he might be forcing himself to go out to meet someone new. It doesn't mean he is enjoying it. The tattooo, just like women who change their hair style, indicates a desire to change something on the inside. And finally, he might have just listened to you about going out more often. He doesn't sound happy. Regarding your pain, it takes about two years to get over completely. You WILL get over him and the pain will go away. I've been through that and felt just like you. You'll be fine. You'll be happy again. You'll love and be loved again. just maybe, he did't want to be seen in public with you. Did you ever think of that?OMG! What kind of crap is this? As in she is too ugly and the bartender shouldn't see them together, but she was good enough to love her and have sex with her? I can't believe I read what I read!
CaliGuy Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 What about single and lonely and miserable? Haha. Only if you want to be
ruby_gloom Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 Hey Kitten, I hope you're feeling better now. I think that aria and RP gave you some really good advice/input. In fact, I think that aria was really right on when she said: More importantly, people around us change us. While I think you know who I'm refering to specifically, I don't think it ends there. In some of your past posts you've told us that your exbf pretty much stopped all association not just with you, but also with all of you mutual friends, including some of the ones you both had known for many years. You've said that he left all of you and then went on to find himself a new circle of friends; different people. Now, he's going out and about doing this and that--with these same new people. It's the same thing you have been doing: Since the breakup, you've also told us that you have made several new friends, although your reasons were different from him. Regardless, you have met new people and have engaged in "different" activities with them. While the change brought about in you because of the external influences of your new friends certainly isn't as drastic as his, I think it is still the same type of thing. IMO, the change that you have gone through has made you grow as a person. I remember reading a post you made early this year where you said that, in the past year, you had accomplished many things you had wanted to do, like begin to write more, make new friends, lose weight (ha), and so on. These things--changes--are things that you set yourself to complete, and you have. He, on the other hand, seems to have regressed with his changes. From what you've written about him, he seems to have gone from being a very "serious" career-oriented person to one who is rebelling against the norm that he set for himself, like a teenager almost. His changes, imo, are not helping him grow for the better; it seems even that he almost took a side alley in order to be able to do the things he never did before, however good or bad they may be. In fact, I honestly think this is what he is doing: I believe that during his younger years, when these sorts of rebellious acts are more common, he was too busy having the mindset of an adult, focusing on school and work, that he now feels like he "missed out" on these "fun" things. Perhaps he figures that since he wasn't able to do them before--because he chose not to--he might as well do them now. But here, I suppose your question is why he didn't do these fun-spirited things (if you want to call them that) while with you. Why didn't he want to go to parties when you two were in a relationship? Why didn't he want to go to bars for a couple of drinks? Why wouldn't he take a few days off work in order to go on a short vacation? Why, why, why? I think that for these questions, RP gave you some good answers. Perhaps when he was with you, he simply didn't feel the need to go out and do X and Y things; perhaps his happiness was made complete simply by having you around to watch movies, play games, or simply hang out. Maybe he was happy this way, but now that you are no longer there, he can't find happiness like this, so he must look for another way. IMO, one of the biggest factors in a person changing is pain. When something happens in our life that causes us discomfort, we might initially just wait around in hopes that it will just go away. This doesn't work very often, unfortunately. After enough time passes by with the situation remaining exactly the same, we often tend to engage in behaviors that are perhaps uncharacteristic of us, thinking that if we change something about us, we will change something within us. This is commonly observed with females and their hair, as RP pointed out: Many times after a breakup, girls will go cut their hair or style it in a way that is entirely different than the way they previously had it. Why? Maybe because they think that if they look differently, they will also inevitably feel differently. Adopting new habits, or in his case, new body modification, is a way of changing ourselves, since after all, the things we do are a part of who we are, and if we stop doing old things and begin doing new things, then our whole selves change with that same transition. Sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad. Perhaps it all comes down to him not having any motive to change back then, but I think he certainly does now.
Author KittenMoon Posted March 27, 2007 Author Posted March 27, 2007 YOU CAN"T EVEN MAKE THIS **** UP!!!!!!! :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: I want more than anything to find someplace to just START SCREAMING right now!!!!!!!! I cried all night, then had the obligatory depressing dream we got back together and woke up miserable. I'm all ready to post about this, reply to other stuff y'all wrote, when I pop into my email to send a funny web comic to a friend. ANd what do I see......... ...after two months of total silence from him, he's sent me an email. Must have just sent it minutes ago, since I had done my usual morning email check just before. He writes it to his nickname for me. It's roughly three sentences. The first one asks about my kitty (because of the pet food scare). The second makes a very personal reference between us- a humourous reference to one of those "special language" type things a couple shares. Then he just asks about my job and if I have any travel plans. Then he signs it in my personal nickname for him. (I can't recall him doing this since we broke up) What in the nine circles of Hell am I supposed to think about this?!!!! Is this just some sort of segway into contact with me? Maybe he wants to tell me about his tattoo? Arg, I just don't understand him at all. God, I need another cry....
ruby_gloom Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 Tattoo! I had in mind to write something about that, but I sent it out too quickly. Okay, I forgot. I was going to say that: Maybe this is his way of letting you know he has a tattoo? I mean, he does know you know he has a site, right? Maybe he thinks that if he just casually says hi or whatever in an email, you might go check out the site and see his new 'modification' and be all surprised and email him back asking about it and blah blah blah. Maybe? Either that or he's just dumb and wants to know if you'll still talk to him and maybe even 'how' you'll talk to him (in an email, if you reply). Still, he's dumb.
Author KittenMoon Posted March 27, 2007 Author Posted March 27, 2007 It's one thing if he emails me to say "hi". But to do it in the cutesy way he would have done it when we were together kills me. THAT hurts. If I am not your gf, don't talk to me the way you did when I was you gf. Talk to me like any other friend or aquaintance or whatever!
Author KittenMoon Posted March 28, 2007 Author Posted March 28, 2007 Aw, cmon. No more responses to the fact I get this totally spontaneous, sacharrine email out of the blue? Cause I'm still feeling baffled! Especially since he signed it with his nickname, which was used only privately and affectionally between us. Not ONCE since we've broken up has he signed an email with that- he's always used his first name. Nor have I used the nickname since the split.
CaliGuy Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Aw, cmon. No more responses to the fact I get this totally spontaneous, sacharrine email out of the blue? Cause I'm still feeling baffled! Especially since he signed it with his nickname, which was used only privately and affectionally between us. Not ONCE since we've broken up has he signed an email with that- he's always used his first name. Nor have I used the nickname since the split. He wants to see if you are still on a string for him. That's what. He may be having problems with a relationship if he is in one now. Don't play his games. Disappear
magichands Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Especially since he signed it with his nickname, which was used only privately and affectionally between us. Not ONCE since we've broken up has he signed an email with that- he's always used his first name. Nor have I used the nickname since the split. You guys were meant to be together. Don't fight it. Write an email back to him, and sign it with your nickname. Poof! You're back together. Let's hope that this time it is happy ever after.
Recommended Posts