PoshPrincess Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Hey there all. Haven't been online for a good few weeks. Saw MM a a month ago after managing to be good for 6 whole weeks!!!!! I had a couple of glasses of wine one lunchtime and knew full well he would be in the pub but couldn't help myself. I stayed to have a couple of drinks with him and we got on as well as ever. He flirted a bit talking about 'our song' but went home to W after a couple of hours. That was it. After being strong (for me!) and not contacting him for a good few weeks (I hadn't spoken to him for two months) everything went wrong again. I have texted him a few times although not for over a week now and normally when I've had a drink or two and now he doesn't even reply, which lets me know where I stand at least but I am still finding it SO hard to move on mentally. I know it's because I saw him again but that was a month ago today and it hasn't got any easier from that day. Feel like I could turn into some mad stalker woman! I am still seeing my new BF (nearly 5 months now) who DOES make me happy, but I know he's not the one. He has certainly helped the healing process but why can't I move on? I still miss MM like crazy, think about him every day and dream about him too. There is probably nothing you guys can say that I don't already know. I just need some sense knocking in to me BIG TIME! Thanks.
Baileykeg Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Ouch! I know that seeing him set you back. I'm sorry to hear that you are still struggling with the pain. I had hoped the new boyfriend would help you see that you deserve to be treated better than MM treated you. All I can say is hang in there and take it day by day. Do what is best for you, no matter what. We're here for you.
Author PoshPrincess Posted March 26, 2007 Author Posted March 26, 2007 Thanks Bailey, I know you're SO right. The thing is, the feelings I had for MM just aren't there with new BF and never have been with anyone else before. That scares me. I'm seeing a new therapist soon so maybe that will help!
rdnkgrl31 Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 I wish you the best of luck! Those feelings are exactly why I haven't even tried to end it yet. I wish he would in a way, b/c I am a puss, and can't do it....If the therapist helps, let me know, so that when my time comes I will have some insight into what I should do.
Author PoshPrincess Posted March 27, 2007 Author Posted March 27, 2007 I wish you the best of luck! Those feelings are exactly why I haven't even tried to end it yet. I wish he would in a way, b/c I am a puss, and can't do it....If the therapist helps, let me know, so that when my time comes I will have some insight into what I should do. Thanks R! I feel like I've stuffed up big time although I reckon that subconsciously I am actually trying to p*** him off to drive him away and the fact that he doesn't even reply to my texts now can only be a good thing I suppose. Just wish I could get him out of my head but, yep, maybe the therapy will help! Best of luck to you too.
movinon05 Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 You know, I don't know your whole story. But one thing I found to help me was to NOT go where I knew he would be. I live near exMM. I see his truck parked at the bar. I have to pass his street often, but I never go down it. I have no desire to put myself through anymore. I keep myself out of harms way. One thing that helped me, and I've said it before, is to make a list of pros and cons. The good things and the bad things. Perhaps those bad things about him will help your head see past your heart. It worked for me! I no longer have any illusions that he is what I thought he was. And I'm sorry this new man isn't working for you. But its not necessarily because of the MM. I've dated, some LTR, some STR. They were very good men in their own right and treated me a hell of a lot better than exMM. So while it was disappointing it didn't work out, I did learn I can be treated well. But if "it" wasn't there, it just wasn't there. Time to move on. And the old saying is true, time will heal. Just really try not to put yourself in that place again and stop texting him!!!!!!!!!
Author PoshPrincess Posted March 27, 2007 Author Posted March 27, 2007 You know, I don't know your whole story. But one thing I found to help me was to NOT go where I knew he would be. I live near exMM. I see his truck parked at the bar. I have to pass his street often, but I never go down it. I have no desire to put myself through anymore. I keep myself out of harms way. Thanks MovinOn, I need to get to the stage where I can be strong enough to avoid him. I think that fact that I have quite obviously p**sed him off helps as I don't think I could face him now. One thing that helped me, and I've said it before, is to make a list of pros and cons. The good things and the bad things. Perhaps those bad things about him will help your head see past your heart. It worked for me! I no longer have any illusions that he is what I thought he was. Good idea, I will try very hard to do that but the only cons I can think of is (a) that he was married; and (b) that he didn't have the courage of his convictions. I guess the time will come eventually where I will be able to see past this. I truly hope so anyway as I feel like I'm going mad. And I'm sorry this new man isn't working for you. But its not necessarily because of the MM. I've dated, some LTR, some STR. They were very good men in their own right and treated me a hell of a lot better than exMM. So while it was disappointing it didn't work out, I did learn I can be treated well. But if "it" wasn't there, it just wasn't there. New BF does treat me fantastically, but then again so did MM. He treated me like a princess and made me feel more special than any man has ever done in my life. This probably sounds stupid. Then again, maybe you felt like that before you came to your senses so hopefully my opinions on this might change one day! As for texting, I'm getting there. It's been 1 week and 4 days this time. I think the longest I've gone is about 6 weeks so still a way to go yet....
rdnkgrl31 Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 Posh, that does not sound stupid. It's very understandable. Not all MM treat the OW horribly. Mine doesn't, he treats me good. Other than the fact, that I can't be w/ him or see him as much as I want. I am w/ you on the pro/con thing, same thing here. I wish there were alot of cons I could write down, but there isn't. I went 2 months w/out talking to mine, and I had to drive through his town, needless to say I set it up, that I stopped by this gas station that I knew he would stop at on his way to work, just so he would see me. So that I could get some kind of reaction. It worked, and we started back up again. I felt that I couldn't go any longer, and that I wanted him in my life, regardless of wether he left her or not. I have no words of advice to give, b/c I damn sure can't follow any. I can only say good luck, and I hope it works out for you.
Author PoshPrincess Posted March 28, 2007 Author Posted March 28, 2007 I think that maybe if I'd had the chance to carry on things as an A and if I thought that one day we might still be together then I would be doing exactly what you are doing, no matter how bad it would sometimes make me feel, as I miss him so much. Thing is, it was him who could no longer have an A because he felt too guilty and didn't want to carry on deceiving his kids. Probably for the best (for me anyway!) although sometimes it doesn't feel like it.
rdnkgrl31 Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Yeah, I know what you mean. I ask myself how in the world I let myself get in this situation. I did though, so now I will deal w/ the pain when it comes.
Author PoshPrincess Posted March 29, 2007 Author Posted March 29, 2007 I am USELESS! Ended up texting him on the way home from work last night to tell him that I bumped into a mutual acquaintance. I knew deep down I wouldn't get a reply, especially as he would be at home at that time anyway, but I still pannicked thinking "What if he phones me? Do I answer?" It's ridiculous really. I still have those 'moments' though. When something happens that I want to share with him but then I realise I can't. Going for a drink with a friend tomorrow night and have to be very strong and avoid the pub that I know he could be in! I've told my friend to make sure I don't go in there and she says she will try her best but that I am a stubborn cow and probably won't listen to her anyway, especially after a few bevvies!
rdnkgrl31 Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 U are not useless, you just love him. That's hard to walk away from. The only thing I can think, is that when u get an urge to call him or text him, call someone else and put your mind on something else. Easier said than done. Definetly avoid the pub where he will be at. That will only make it worse.
sapphire0903 Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Hi Posh, I just read your post,......... All I can say is I feel for you,........ My ex MM did not treat me poorly at all, I really don't have any "cons" to place on my list either, just he is married. I am in love with him, and loved how he treated me, how we "connected" just about on every level, and if we disagreed on something, there was never an argument. What I am doing in my NC, is trying to remember, that I deserve more than seconds, .........I am worth more than that. ( these are also the words that I told him when we broke it off) I also remember the heartbreak I feel knowing he CHOSE
sapphire0903 Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Hi Posh, I just read your post,......... All I can say is I feel for you,........ My ex MM did not treat me poorly at all, I really don't have any "cons" to place on my list either, just he is married. I am in love with him, and loved how he treated me, how we "connected" just about on every level, and if we disagreed on something, there was never an argument. What I am doing in my NC, is trying to remember, that I deserve more than seconds, .........I am worth more than that. ( these are also the words that I told him when we broke it off) I also remember the heartbreak I feel being the other woman, and how he placed me in that position, when he made me believe their marriage was over(they were separated when we met). So, all I can really say, is just keep trying, and don't give up on yourself, you deserve much more than what he can provide to you emotionally, you are WORTH
sapphire0903 Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Hi Posh, I just read your post,......... All I can say is I feel for you,........ My ex MM did not treat me poorly at all, I really don't have any "cons" to place on my list either, just he is married. I am in love with him, and loved how he treated me, how we "connected" just about on every level, and if we disagreed on something, there was never an argument. What I am doing in my NC, is trying to remember, that I deserve more than seconds, .........I am worth more than that. ( these are also the words that I told him when we broke it off) I also remember the heartbreak I feel being the other woman, and how he placed me in that position, when he made me believe their marriage was over(they were separated when we met). So, all I can really say, is just keep trying, and don't give up on yourself, you deserve much more than what he can provide to you emotionally. WE ALL ARE WORTH MUCH MUCH MORE!!
Author PoshPrincess Posted March 30, 2007 Author Posted March 30, 2007 Thanks for your words of wisdom Sapphire. It's nice to hear there are others feeling the same (although I wouldn't wish it on anyone). I sometimes feel like such a mug and think that maybe all that time I was deluding myself, but then I'm not stupid. I DO generally know the difference between being used and being loved. I AM going to avoid the pub tonight, for definite. Yesterday I was in crisis mode and wanted to contact him for closure but as my friend said, will that make me feel any better? She told me that sometimes there ARE no answers so you can't get that closure. I realise now that him not contacting me is the only answer I am going to get and that I have to put it all down to experience. Everything is a learning curve and despite the hurt and pain I do know I have learned alot from this experience and that I have to take that with me and move on. Thanks again all of you for your advice!
Seen_It_All Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 There is probably nothing you guys can say that I don't already know. I just need some sense knocking in to me BIG TIME! Thanks. I'm always amazed at women who can't seem to see these married guys for what they REALLY are, and not the fantasy person they've built them up to be in their minds. It's sad to see you saying that there's no romance or chemistry with your SG although he "makes you happy." He makes you happy in what way? Because he actually puts your needs first or at least makes them as important as his own? Maybe it's because he doesn't slink home to his wife after gifting you with 2 or 3 hours of his precious time? Perhaps it's because you can actually call him at any time of the day or night and not have to resort to silly texting or email - and praying that his wife doesn't see your message? Maybe he makes you happy because you can actually DEPEND on him when you need him in a pinch - unlike MM who can only 'be there' when he can sneak away from his wife and kids? I simply don't get the statement that xMM "treated you like a princess." Obviously he didn't, Posh. If he had treated you like a princess, you wouldn't be on this board right now, romanticizing this lying cheater. And that's what he WAS, Posh. A man who lied to his wife and cheated on her for the entire duration of your affair with him. A man who lied to his children, day after day, putting their security in jeapordy should his affair have been exposed. A man who was selfish enough to take what you gave him and NOT return what he got. 2 or 3 stolen hours of his time here and there did NOT equal the playing field. Going home to his wife after scrubbing off all the evidence of YOU from his clothes and body did not constitute an equal contribution on his behalf. Did he think he was doing you a huge favor by carving out pieces of time for you? He carved out that time for HIMSELF because he enjoyed having someone treat him like a Demi-God and he loved the excitement of the illicit sex. What an ego rush - why wouldn't he want that in his life? I honestly believe OW become programmed to expect SO LITTLE from these married guys that every little scrap that's thrown to them by their MM suddenly becomes something of epic proportions. Because your statement, "xMM treated me like a "princess" simply doesn't make sense. Lying, cheating men don't treat their secret women like princesses. They look to them to fulfill a need they have but make no mistake - in the event of a D-Day, chances are it's going to be YOU who gets kicked to the curb, not the wife. I'd hardly call THAT being treated like a princess. It's simply time to remove the rose-colored glasses and quit painting this guy to be some kind of perfect man. He's FAR from it. It's a crying shame this poor SG of yours can't 'measure up' to a lying cheater. Think about how ironic that really is.
Freedom Now Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 Wow, Seen It All.... Very eloquent....and true. These MM are EXACTLY that.
Author PoshPrincess Posted April 2, 2007 Author Posted April 2, 2007 Did you avoid him that night, Posh? Well, I didn't SEE him (LOL) I did go to our local as the other pub we were drinking in was full of kids but swore to my friend (on my son's life - yes, very childish I know) that I would not stay if he was there. He didn't come in and it was unlikely anyway as he only normally goes out once a week!
Author PoshPrincess Posted April 2, 2007 Author Posted April 2, 2007 It's sad to see you saying that there's no romance or chemistry with your SG although he "makes you happy." He makes you happy in what way? Because he actually puts your needs first or at least makes them as important as his own? Maybe it's because he doesn't slink home to his wife after gifting you with 2 or 3 hours of his precious time? Perhaps it's because you can actually call him at any time of the day or night and not have to resort to silly texting or email - and praying that his wife doesn't see your message? Maybe he makes you happy because you can actually DEPEND on him when you need him in a pinch - unlike MM who can only 'be there' when he can sneak away from his wife and kids? I totally see what you're saying, Seen It All, and I have understood that all alone but was blinded by love. The thing with MM I suppose is that he put me on a pedestall in a way, he gave me the flattery (not BS) and attention that I have never had from anyone else, including the father of my son. I am grateful for the fact that I now get that with SG and he has at least made me see that I am worth more. I simply don't get the statement that xMM "treated you like a princess." Obviously he didn't, Posh. If he had treated you like a princess, you wouldn't be on this board right now, romanticizing this lying cheater. And that's what he WAS, Posh. A man who lied to his wife and cheated on her for the entire duration of your affair with him. A man who lied to his children, day after day, putting their security in jeapordy should his affair have been exposed. A man who was selfish enough to take what you gave him and NOT return what he got. 2 or 3 stolen hours of his time here and there did NOT equal the playing field. Going home to his wife after scrubbing off all the evidence of YOU from his clothes and body did not constitute an equal contribution on his behalf. Did he think he was doing you a huge favor by carving out pieces of time for you? He carved out that time for HIMSELF because he enjoyed having someone treat him like a Demi-God and he loved the excitement of the illicit sex. What an ego rush - why wouldn't he want that in his life? Illicit sex, NOT. Yes, of course we were having an illicit R. After all, he's married to someone else. We didn't sleep together, well, only once after several months, and it never happened again, mainly because he felt guilty. I am not justifying anything, just telling you how it is. In some ways I wish I COULD think he had used me for sex but it wasn't like that. Yeah, he probably got a real buzz out of having someone 'on the side' at first but after a short while neither of us liked the sneaking around and lying and cheating, which is why it eventually ended. At least if he had used me for sex I would feel I could move on but I feel like I need answers, which I know I will never get. I expect you are reading this thinking I'm a complete idiot and yeah, I am I guess, but I don't believe he strung me along and used me. I believe that, at the time it was going on, he believed he wanted to be with me too. He just ended up 'seeing the light' as it were and must have realised that the grass wasn't necessarily greener with me. I honestly believe OW become programmed to expect SO LITTLE from these married guys that every little scrap that's thrown to them by their MM suddenly becomes something of epic proportions. Because your statement, "xMM treated me like a "princess" simply doesn't make sense. Lying, cheating men don't treat their secret women like princesses. They look to them to fulfill a need they have but make no mistake - in the event of a D-Day, chances are it's going to be YOU who gets kicked to the curb, not the wife. I'd hardly call THAT being treated like a princess. Yep, in most cases you are no doubt right. He did a heck of a lot for me, running around, etc and wasn't getting payment in kind or anything!!! No one would really understand though unless they knew both him, me and our R. It wasn't that straightforward, but then it wouldn't be I suppose. It's simply time to remove the rose-colored glasses and quit painting this guy to be some kind of perfect man. He's FAR from it. I KNOW MM wasn't/isn't perfect but who is? I KNOW he could've done the same with me if we'd ended up together but I stupidly loved him and was willing to take that chance. After all, lots of people in Rs are capable if cheating if they haven't done so before. It's a crying shame this poor SG of yours can't 'measure up' to a lying cheater. Think about how ironic that really is. It's really not a case of him not 'measuring up'. He's a fantastic bloke; funny, caring, intelligent (definitely more so than MM), good in bed...I could go on.....I am just being honest to you guys about my feelings. I can't HELP the way I feel. God knows, I would give anything to feel about SG the way I felt about MM. I would LOVE to get him out of my head once and for all! A friend of mine saw him the other day and when I asked how he seemed he basically said "content". So, that's that really. I truly want him to be happy (as much as it hurts me not to be with him). If I had ended up with him I would've been happy, he would have hopefully been happy but his W and 2 kids wouldn't have been. This way there are 4 people happy instead!
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