How the end of my relationship shook up my beliefs - religious comments unwelcome

[princessa]

The following might make me sound young and naive.. but I don't really care, I'm sure most of you have been there, and can contribute your own experience. This deals with life and my personal beliefs. Religion is not part of my life, and although I am aware of the POVs of some religious people on this topic, I do not want the discussion to go on that path..

 

2 years ago I was finishing my degree, I had a bright future, big dreams, ambition up the *ss.. That's when I met a guy who changed my life. What we had was so pure, so natural. I couldn't picture myself without him anymore, he fitted perfectly into my own dreams, he blended right in the type of life I was imagining for myself, but he made it much richer than I even imagined. I opened up, bacame softer and I would even say more "human" than I ever experienced before. He made me want to be a better person in all aspects of my life. For us. Our relationship became a priority and a motivation for me.

 

Slowly, and I would even say subconsciously, the main focus of my life has shifted from me to us. I have procrastinated on working on some most of my own projects because the relationship was taking precedence over them and required most of my attention. I have made tremendous sacrifices to make this relationship something great that would make my life and dreams so much more grandiose. My head told me that I should keep living my life independently and follow the path that I had previously planned for myself. But my heart sucked all of the resources out of me and towards the relationship making it hard to focus on that path. My main goal became to maintain the mutual love and make the relationship grow, having him as my motivation to push myself further, and in turn be his muse in his own evolution.

 

2 years down the line, the relationship has ended. My newly found dreams of working my butt off to build a future family where I'd be safe and loved came crashing down. My main reason for waking up in the morning has vanished.

 

Today I find myself wondering, how is it that our belief system shifts so drastically between single life and within a relationship? How is it that when an important person (not necessarily a SO) leaves our lives (either on their own or when they're taken away by some unfortunate event), that our world gets shaken upside down? All of a sudden we feel lost, disoriented, we reevaluate everything that we've been up to so far and sometimes take our lives on a whole new direction.. Is it that we define our lives based on our interactions with the people that we love? Why do these people have such a great influence on the path that our lives take on? Have you ever wondered how your life would have been different if you had married Andy instead of Tim?

 

Obviously relationships require lots of sacrifices. We give up some things in order to enjoy the love and the ability to share our lives with that special someone. But does our life maintain a meaning on its own after we've blended all aspects of it with somebody else's? Why does a departure of a loved one affect our lives to such a point that we feel life is meaningless without them?

 

A lot of single people seem to be happy with their lives on the other hand. And yet we all seek love and meaningful relationships. We seek a chance to blend our life with somebody else's.

 

So are relationships the one thing that really brings the most meaning to our lives? Or else, are we all just lonely people and should strive to define our own unique path even while being within a relationship? But if we were truly lonely and independent entities, we wouldn't find ourselves so actively seeking relationships in the first place, would we?

[norajane]

So are relationships the one thing that really brings the most meaning to our lives?

 

The answer is not the same for everyone. Certainly in my life, my relationships with people - family, friends, lovers - give the most meaning to my life. Without them, without love, the other things - accomplishments, successes, travels, material possessions, passions and interests - are just things. Without people, I'd just be getting by.

[princessa]

The answer is not the same for everyone. Certainly in my life, my relationships with people - family, friends, lovers - give the most meaning to my life. Without them, without love, the other things - accomplishments, successes, travels, material possessions, passions and interests - are just things. Without people, I'd just be getting by.

'

 

I think most people are like this, whether they admit it or not. Of course there are the religious ones who look for meaning in God, as well as the philosophers who spend their time trying to figure out new schools of thought regarding the meaning of life... But in the end most of us strive to look for relationships, whether romantic or with friends and family. Married people live for their marriages, their children, their families. Single people create their own families through a network of close friends.. but friends can only be close to us to a certain extent.. I think that ultimately we all seek that one person with which we can merge our lives with, instead of having a network of people, each contributing to different small parts of our lives. I've seen people live like that, where their friends have become their family. I wonder if that's as fulfilling as having a single person in your life, and whether that really depends on the individual.

 

I think my frustration is that it seems ridiculous that we cannot seem to stand on our own. We seem to devoid of meaning without all of these people and their love, and yet this love is so fragile that it can be taken away from us at any moment. Why then do we lie to ourselves and are told after a break up or before a relationship "you should be complete on your own, you do not need anybody else to complete you"? That's bull! We do need people around us, whether we are aware of it or not. Why do we lie to ourselves by thinking that by burrying ourselves in work and other activities we would be able to get over the breakup much more efficiently, when in fact we should be burrying ourselves in the remainder of that 'family' that we have built around us, even though one person is missing? It's almost as if, the moment we step out of the relationship realm, we are told to redefine our lives under a whole new category, that of material life goals, instead of being encouraged to look for new relationships and build additional human support to make up for the one that has been pulled away. Why is it so hard to admit that really what we're living for is other people and the happiness they bring us?

[RichC]

Because needing people means you are vulnerable. Being vulnerable means there is a chance you will get hurt. Some can handle it some need some work. I think you made some pretty sweeping generalizations. Most of the people I know are aware they need others, its just trying to avoid the hurt that inevitably comes with it.

[quankanne]

the worst part about losing someone is seeing the parameters of your life get redefined, usually not by your own choice. Pain is inevitable when we love, but we have an option to use it as an opportunity for growth or we can use it to be miserable. Most of us fall someplace smack in the middle.

 

you aks, "Have you ever wondered how your life would have been different if you had married Andy instead of Tim?" and I think that's a good exercise to help you through your loss because it helps you see the good even though you're hurting ... you're better able to see the whole of the relationship rather than the right now.

 

I think that ultimately we all seek that one person with which we can merge our lives with, instead of having a network of people, each contributing to different small parts of our lives. I've seen people live like that, where their friends have become their family. I wonder if that's as fulfilling as having a single person in your life, and whether that really depends on the individual.

 

there's got to be a balance between the two, or you feel like you're missing out. And ideally, your mate will encourage you to assert your independence and your networking even as you build a life together – I like to think of it as "I love him, I want to be with him, but I can be without him if I must." That takes the burden off of making him (or a job or a child or a friendship) the sole source of happiness in your life.

 

I am sorry for your loss, but I honestly believe that every relationship we experience brings us closer to the love we're ultimately meant to have. Maybe it's with another man, maybe it's with this one but years down the line, I don't know, but your heart and your understanding grow richer because you gain something with each relationship you have. Kinda like a bunch of little things taken from each relationship that build into the one grand gift of self you offer to the one you're meant to be with. Does this make any sense?

[luvtoto]

Because needing people means you are vulnerable. Being vulnerable means there is a chance you will get hurt. Some can handle it some need some work. I think you made some pretty sweeping generalizations. Most of the people I know are aware they need others, its just trying to avoid the hurt that inevitably comes with it.

Yes, I agree.

[princessa]

the worst part about losing someone is seeing the parameters of your life get redefined, usually not by your own choice. Pain is inevitable when we love, but we have an option to use it as an opportunity for growth or we can use it to be miserable. Most of us fall someplace smack in the middle.

 

It's true that it is an opportunity to step back and reevaluate everything, which triggers the growth. It just seems so strange that the only way to reach the next level is to inevitably go through so much pain.

 

 

you aks, "Have you ever wondered how your life would have been different if you had married Andy instead of Tim?" and I think that's a good exercise to help you through your loss because it helps you see the good even though you're hurting ... you're better able to see the whole of the relationship rather than the right now.

 

I meant it more as to illustrate how I think the people that we keep close to us end up shaping our lives.. I came to think of this because at first I was pissed at myself for giving the relationship so much importance and neglecting some of my own personal goals. I do think I would have found myself in a different place had it never happened. But thinking back I don't think I regret trying my best to find happiness with a man.

 

there's got to be a balance between the two, or you feel like you're missing out. And ideally, your mate will encourage you to assert your independence and your networking even as you build a life together – I like to think of it as "I love him, I want to be with him, but I can be without him if I must." That takes the burden off of making him (or a job or a child or a friendship) the sole source of happiness in your life.

 

I think you're making a good point about balance. We should be able to stand alone on our feet, if we must. And we must carry on in order to keep the hope alive. But I don't think we can ever be complete without a family to share our lives with. I think it's something we underestimate and lie to ourselves about in order not to get hurt, especially during break ups. Perhaps everybody deals with it differently, but for myself, I found much more peace in being honest with myself and that's how I was able to find acceptance of the past and hope for the future.

 

 

I am sorry for your loss, but I honestly believe that every relationship we experience brings us closer to the love we're ultimately meant to have. Maybe it's with another man, maybe it's with this one but years down the line, I don't know, but your heart and your understanding grow richer because you gain something with each relationship you have. Kinda like a bunch of little things taken from each relationship that build into the one grand gift of self you offer to the one you're meant to be with. Does this make any sense?

 

Thanks, it gives a bit of hope

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Oh my goodness, I am going through the exact same thing and have felt the exact same way, I could have put it together more eloquently. I was reading somewhere that our relationships should be interdependent. Meaning, we shouldn't give all of ourselves in a relationship..we much not neglect that in having a relationship with other people, it's equally important to have a relationship with ourselves also even when we invite other people into our lives and into our world.

My situation was the same as yours. I was ver independent, and then I got married and became dependent in a way that was not healthy. I was putting too much focus and energy into him, that I neglected myself so much that I didn't even recognize myself anymore. And that's the road I'm on right now, and yes it has led me to a new direction all together. Relationships can be lessons.

I don't feel that life is meaningless without that special someone. Alot of times we have to think back on the fun times we had before that person entered into our lives, because we were happy at some point before them. We made it this far in life. I also read somewhere that when you get involved with people, your body chemistry changes so that it kind of intertwine with theirs. When they leave us, it throws our chemistry off. That's why we feel such a high when we're with a love one and such a low when we're no longer with them.

[princessa]

Oh my goodness, I am going through the exact same thing and have felt the exact same way, I could have put it together more eloquently.

 

Why thank you! Thinking about it, I'm sure you could have been the first female president as well!

[justagirlforever]

I've had 4 "real" relationships. Real in my terms are at the point where I commit my heart and soul and give my all. More than my all.

And when that person walked out of my life, I lost it all. More than all. Myself.

 

My most recent relationship it took all the strength I've ever had to *make* myself learn from the result of my previous relationships.

Where my life fell apart and it took me months to pull myself back again. Painfully slowly. Leaving a trail of destruction in my emotional & physical life. To the point where I lost a job, and was on medicated depression control. That's how low I let myself sink.

 

So this time it was a conscious decision to say: no more. I have a choice how I handle this. Fall apart or pulled together. I'm not saying I wasn't in pain. Because this time the pain was more than any of those previous 3 relationships combined.

 

So, I could yet again wallow in my misery and sulk for months while my health (physical and mental), job and friendships suffer. Or make the damdest best of my future. It's a conscious effort and takes immense strength to constantly pull yourself together.

 

Honestly - sit back and wallow in self pity all wrapped up in sorrow, and life will just continue. With or without you. So stop - take stock and decide how to handle things and learn from experience.

 

Easier said than done - because for the first, second and even 3rd time I simply could not do this. Experience comes with hindsight - how soon you apply it, is up to each individual. I guess here the "no pain no gain" can apply too - very much so. If you don't go through heartache and pain, you'll never know how to work yourself through it.

 

So are relationships the one thing that really brings the most meaning to our lives?

Well, what would life be without them (relationships in all their forms)? But can/should we strive to only define ourselves through someone else? Give life definition through someone else? No. What would the world be like if we only ever relied on someone else for our own happiness? A complete mess.

It's how we do what we do