feel weird and insecure

[sungrl]

I need some insights. This is long but please read.

 

Maybe i am going through a change in life (not menopause) but was wondering has anyone gone through this. I have never felt this way before and maybe its b/c i have not really had such a serious relationship before. I am in the age between 20-25 and dating someone about 8 years older..i dont want to be so specific about my age and his...but i feel somewhat lost at times, alone, insecure, jealous.

 

Sometimes i dont know how to be since this is my first serious relationship and my first time doing a lot of phyical things with a guy. He on the other hand seems to have this whole past life and i am only starting out..he has been with many girls, has had 2 or 3 serious g/f's..one of which ended when he was about my age b/c she wanted to get more serious(marrige i guess) and he did not.

While he is working many years at the same place, i am starting out in the world and adjusting to work life..I just feel like i dont know how to handle or be in certain situations...i worry when i am with my b/f sometimes...is he bored, did he do this with other g/fs( like sit around and watch tv all day), should i be more motivating about activities to take part in with him..also i am not a cook since i have been soo busy with school and i sometimes think--has he had better g/f's who knew how to cook a meal for him..also, since he is older--he knows specifically how he likes things and i feel weird or almost like i am not good enough by not knowing(such as cooking things etc) And with cleaning..i know how i would clean certain things but i feel weird trying clean something up for him such as a table b/c i feel like it wont be good enough(basically i am trying to say--i think with someone my age i wouldnt be so worried about cleaning the table in a very good way whereas with someone my b/f's age, i have started worrying about those little details)

I also wonder--should i be mad if he does this or says this? Its almost as if i dont know if i am right or crossing the line and being too angry about something b/c this is my first serious time with someone..so i will constantly ask my friends if they think i am overreacting to a lot of situations. Its like i dont know how to act sometimes and whats acceptable or not or what i should be doing.

 

I think he is older, has more life experience and women experience and therefore is more independent..His confidence and slight arrogance never bothered me but sometimes now it does. He just seems so self assured with himself and what he does and i feel like if he is with me thats fine and if he wasnt thats fine too..Like if one night we didnt have to see each other--he would be fine with it b/c he thinks its no big deal to wait til another day..whereas i would be missing him and thinking about him. I take it more personally i guess and wish i can be more like him in a way.

 

This is hard for me to admit..but for example we will be in the car and he is driving and i actually find myself looking at him more always than him looking at me..like if we are at a red light it seems like i am actually looking and hoping for him to look at me..or even when we are sitting on the couch..i guess he is just more independent than i am..and maybe i am more clingy..and if we get into a fight--i really get anxious about it if we dont talk for a day..its almost as if everything stops b/c i feel so upset..i think he does too but not to the point where he wont be able to have a fun conversation with someone or not think about it for a few hours. Maybe i have developed anxiety and have become very attached to him? Obviously this cant be normal. Does anyone think this is b/c he is my first true love and it is someone older this is with?

 

I do feel more alone at times. Some of my friends i dont see b/c they have b/f's now too or work nights..and on a certain day on the weekedn when my b/f works..i kind of find myself bored and alone and almost like i have to make up things to him of what i have done such having lunch with a g/f when i really havent. It sounds so pathetic, i know.

 

Please give thoughts on whatever you can. Thanks

[chill chic]

you actually sound alot like me and I'm 26. and it's not pathetic, we must be going through it at the same time. so you're not alone at least

[What?]

I completely understand your concerns, sungrl. I agree with your friends in that I think you are over-analyzing the situation. I don't know how long you have been with this guy and the like, but the bottom line is if he is as into you as you seem to be with him, it doesn't matter your insecurities. You sound like you go the extra mile for this guy, and he I hope sees this and appreciates it.

 

When I'm really into a girl, she can basically do no wrong, if you will. I am willing to look past her faults because I see the bigger picture-her. I have a similar background to your b/f and experience has taught me these things. I have dated a girl or two who were 8 or 9 years my junior, and have always been apprehensive in their readiness for a serious relationship because I feel at times girls in their early/mid 20's don't really know what they want.

 

I have thought things were going alright with them and treated them like queens just to have it thrown in my face because they are afraid of a guy who has the knowledge to sustain a LTR the right way, without games. I tend now to be kind of protective with my heart when considering younger ladies, so sometimes I'm sure I may come off is hesitant or stand-offish.

 

I really think the key to success in any relationship is communication. I really want a girl to tell me what's going on in her mind, and I will always do that, right or wrong. It's the only way to gain understanding. If you feel comfortable enough with him to ask him how he feels about where you are going, I think you should ask him.

 

He may just feel the same way! If not, you will be able to determine your next course of action from there. This is just MHO coming from a low 30's guy who has pretty much seen it all. I have also found that not knowing how the girl feels about me eats at me more than breaking up with her, especially if I am into her major. Does he know you are into him?

 

At the same time, I know most guys don't deal with feelings well, and becoming too aggressive or assertive can scare them off. Listen to your intuition and like I say, if he's into you, there really isn't too much you can do wrong so long as you play it smart!

I hope this helps in any way and good luck to you!

[sungrl]

its just starting to feel horrible that i probably think of him more than he thinks of me and i think he carries on his day easier than i do when we are apart..this probably has a lot to do that i am younger than him. I really wish i was a carefree girl where if a b/f didn't call one afternoon--i didn't think too much about it or if he couldnt see me b/c he is busy working on things in the house that i would have plenty of other options. But like i said..many of friends are with b/f's now so its hard to find time sometimes b/c many have different schedules..its starts to get lonely even shopping alone when i was picking up a gift for him.

Before him--i did not have really strong feelings for a guy and didnt get all attached. Probably the fact that i didnt get too physical with anyone. If i ended it with someone..it hurt a little but i got over it. One of them i can say i had a lot of feelings for and it hurt b.c i was the one who got hurt in the end and it took me awhile to get over it but looking back i shouldnt have been as upset as i was b/c we were not even exclusive but i was a little too young i think at the time.

[the_pope]

[sIZE=2]Sungrl,

 

I relate to how you feel. I am a man older than you and even we can get this feeling.

 

Unfortunately, the more you cling on, the more it will push him away. People are highly attracted to people who have self confidence, self assurance and a slight degree of self importance.

The very fact that you are so available to him makes him feel secure and therefore at ease.

 

Try not ringing him for a day or two, and stop looking at him at traffic lights (because he knows you're looking at him and he loves it, trust me) and he'll be ringing you more.

 

Contrary to popular belief, becoming less attached actually makes a person more interested in you.

 

This is entirely your own insecurity and unfortunately, if you carry on with this behaviour he will carry on with his and things will get worse, therefore resulting in a self fulfilling prophecy for you. Then, that will hurt.

 

You MUST start to develop your own identity and it starts now. Please try to do something on your own, or with your parents, or a friend for a day and do not ring him. Even in the evening, do not ring him. I will guarantee he will be ringing you sooner rather than later.

 

I know if I had a girlfriend who wasn't sure if she'd cleaned the table right or not it would drive me insane. I'd say "Leave the bloody table alone and come here" and then make passionate love to her.

After that she'd never worry about the table again.

[/sIZE]

[sungrl]

i guess part of my problem is..maybe when i am attached to someone, i am really attached to someone so therefore i look at him a lot in the car hoping he will look at me at a red light..he hardly ever gives me that certain look(you know what i mean?)..the long kisses have stopped

 

And i realize it and even tell myself not to look at him or be as affectionate..so the bad part is i have to tell myself to do these things rather than it being normal..so its almost as if i feel something is wrong b/c i have to hold back a little. But i definitely do try to play those little games at times like not calling even though i want to and wait for him to call..i'm not trying to play games or anything but i need to feel i have some sort of control.

There are times he says he will call me back and then forgets(only a few times) but i wouldnt b/c i guess my mind is constantly on him and us. I just wish i wasnt as attached i guess you can say b/c it does not seem he is..one time he called me 2 times and i never called him back til 11pm and he said--what are you doing, are you screwing with me?(i did it to get a reaction out of him and i did b/c he was worried and wondering what was happening) although he does not know that. Its almost as if i tell myself at times he doesnt appear as attached as me but maybe he is..b.c with fights he says he doesnt need to walk around upset(but i know he would carry on convos with other people without looking upset). Maybe he just handles it better and is upset but isnt going to let it interrupt other things he needs to do. Does this come with age and experience only?

[whichwayisup]

I think you need to talk to him about how you're feeling.

 

..one time he called me 2 times and i never called him back til 11pm and he said--what are you doing, are you screwing with me?(i did it to get a reaction out of him and i did b/c he was worried and wondering what was happening) although he does not know that.

 

Him being older, he probably saw what you were doing and that's why he asked you if you were messing with him. Don't play games. If you need to say something, say it - Don't beat around the bush. The more you do that, the more he will think you're not ready for a long term serious relationship.

 

Sounds like you need to just be who are you, accept and love yourself, be confident and trust. If you don't feel that inside, nothing he does or says is going to make you feel secure.

 

Also, stop comparing yourself to the other women he's had in his life. YOU are in his life now. That is what counts.

 

IF you feel that you're not doing enough together, like going out, hiking, or whatever hobbies you both like - ASK him what he'd like to do. Start getting out more together instead of hanging in and watching TV all day. Take a cooking course if you want to learn how to cook! Or, just wing it! TRy to make him a nice meal.

[sungrl]

maybe after 2 years i should realize that he does love me a lot and maybe cant express it the way i want all the time but i can tell he does by certain little things..a lot of the things i have complained about, he tries to fix..i said it seems like you look at girls when driving(like turning his head to the left) which he was and it was truly bothering me after awhile so i had to say something..now he rarely does it..i said i need to hear i love you more often and now i have definitely noticed him saying it at night when hanging up which he didn't do as much. He doesnt say it in such a romantic type of way when we are together but he is saying it more often like when he is dropping me off and saying goodnight over the phone. We spent pretty much all of saturday together and he drops me home at night..and still called a few hours later to say whats up and goodnight.

 

So i guess even through these little examples, it does show he loves me and to be honest..--he said when in an argument that he would have left a long time when thinking about people in the past and what he would put up with etc..and i dont think he was saying that to be hurtful and i actually think he was being completely honest. I think he was definitely more used to being single and when being with me and at one point constantly fighting and also me not living 20 minutes away--he still stayed where i think in the past he might have left ALOT faster and easier.

Maybe i should be more motivating like saying lets just go to the park for an hour, play cards or something..or rather than watch tv..lets both clean the apartment today.

He pretty much leaves activities up to me..it seems he doesnt care either way most of the time..like if i say do you or dont you want to watch a movie..he will say either way is ok..and he is like that with a lot of things so maybe i just need to be more decisive which usually has been hard with me in the past.