is it really that big of a deal?

[megnog]

i finally tried to see a counselor tonight after my boyfriend has been bugging me for weeks to see one. we have problems, lots of them.

 

anyway tonight i talked on the phone with a counselor for her to refer me and one of the first questions she asked me was if there was any violence in the relationship. i said yes, as there is, he loses his temper from time to time when our fights get real bad and he has, in the past, hit me or held me down so that i couldn't move. i realize this is bad news and under no circumstances should that behavior ever be present in a relationship. however, i know he has a good heart and he tries so hard for our relationship to work.

yet when i was on the telephone with the woman i sounded like a textbook victim and i completely lost anything else i wanted to talk about. the whole conversation was about how she wanted me to think about whether or not i wanted to put up with that forever (we have been dating for three years so its fairly serious).

 

i just felt like she saw me as really naive and from that point on wouldn't take me seriously when i told her things like "i think he can change" or at least that hes trying, and "hes really a good person"

 

more and more though i could see myself dwindling down and sounding like an idiot. he really is a sweet guy and i know he doesn't mean to, i know that a lot of the time our fights are my fault, not that he should react in such a way, but just i have a terrible way of dealing with our problems. i tried to tell the counselor that i usually act off emotion and she was like "well duh!!"

and then i told her that we've broken up and gotten back together a million times and 99% of the time is because i act off of emotion, get all worked up and break up with him only to realize that was so stupid of me and she says "well probably because you can't take it anymore!!"

 

i just felt like she had our relationship totally confused. he isn't the stereotypical abuser, hes my love. he isn't the crazy one, i am.

 

but its not "well duh"... its hey i have a problem, i deal with my emotions terribly and this is why i wanted to see a counselor - to talk about my problems with myself . i need to be fixed!

 

anyway i guess i just wanted to get some input because i wish i could change the subject but she just wouldn't let me get off that stupid topic. i get it, he hits me, its not right, hes going to work on it, i'll probably deal with it for a while before i put a hault to our relationship, until then though i want to talk about my crazyness.

 

helpp??

[Kwo-ne'-she]

i finally tried to see a counselor tonight after my boyfriend has been bugging me for weeks to see one. we have problems, lots of them.

 

anyway tonight i talked on the phone with a counselor for her to refer me and one of the first questions she asked me was if there was any violence in the relationship. i said yes, as there is, he loses his temper from time to time when our fights get real bad and he has, in the past, hit me or held me down so that i couldn't move. i realize this is bad news and under no circumstances should that behavior ever be present in a relationship. however, i know he has a good heart and he tries so hard for our relationship to work.

yet when i was on the telephone with the woman i sounded like a textbook victim and i completely lost anything else i wanted to talk about. the whole conversation was about how she wanted me to think about whether or not i wanted to put up with that forever (we have been dating for three years so its fairly serious).

 

i just felt like she saw me as really naive and from that point on wouldn't take me seriously when i told her things like "i think he can change" or at least that hes trying, and "hes really a good person"

 

more and more though i could see myself dwindling down and sounding like an idiot. he really is a sweet guy and i know he doesn't mean to, i know that a lot of the time our fights are my fault, not that he should react in such a way, but just i have a terrible way of dealing with our problems. i tried to tell the counselor that i usually act off emotion and she was like "well duh!!"

and then i told her that we've broken up and gotten back together a million times and 99% of the time is because i act off of emotion, get all worked up and break up with him only to realize that was so stupid of me and she says "well probably because you can't take it anymore!!"

 

i just felt like she had our relationship totally confused. he isn't the stereotypical abuser, hes my love. he isn't the crazy one, i am.

 

but its not "well duh"... its hey i have a problem, i deal with my emotions terribly and this is why i wanted to see a counselor - to talk about my problems with myself . i need to be fixed!

 

anyway i guess i just wanted to get some input because i wish i could change the subject but she just wouldn't let me get off that stupid topic. i get it, he hits me, its not right, hes going to work on it, i'll probably deal with it for a while before i put a hault to our relationship, until then though i want to talk about my crazyness.

 

helpp??

 

You are a "text book victim". See the highlighted above. You are making excuses for his behavior, blaming yourself, and saying "he will change". While you may have a problems dealing with your emotions, it could very well be that you are simply reacting to the way you are being treated by him. If you feel that you need help, then take advantage of the help. By resisting the therapist's approach, and refusing to look at aspects of your relationship with this man simply because you "don't want to talk about it".....you are hindering her efforts to help you.

[norajane]

I hear what you're saying. You want to deal with your emotional problems and the counselor wants to focus on the abuse you are taking. Your counselor sees that your acceptance of his abuse is part of your emotional problems, and the first thing is to get you out of harm's way.

 

The truth is there is no way to deal with your emotional problems, without also dealing with your actual circumstances of abuse. Put another way, if he didn't hit you, you might not HAVE these emotional problems. Think about it: do you have crazy, uncontrollable arguments with anyone else but him?

 

You seem to think your emotional outbursts are justification for the hitting. That is not correct. He can easily walk out of the room and wait until you calm down - his reaction is out of line no matter what you are doing. You also seem to think your emotional outbursts are a bigger problem than his hitting you. That is also not correct. Read up on abuse and how it skews your thinking...how it turns you into a crazy person because you start to believe you deserve it.

 

Is he seeing a therapist, too? Because, "he's going to work on it" means absolutely nothing if he isn't actually seeing a counselor to learn how to stop getting out of control and hitting you.

[Aloros]

I have to agree with everyone else. You DO sound like a textbook victim, much as you may think you aren't. There is no excuse for him hitting you. None at all.

 

I also agree that he may be triggering these "emotional" behaviors which you define as the problem in your relationship. I felt like a crazy person in my last relationship. He didn't understand me, he didn't listen, he hardly ever kept his promises. I yelled a lot, was stressed to the max, and was tearing my hair out. People who met me thought I was a bitch because I was just so angry so often.

 

Now I'm with someone who treats me right. Big difference. I can't think of the last time I stressed over something. I've never yelled at him. I've met his friends and he jokes that they like me more than they like him.

 

Do you have these "emotional" problems with the other people in your life? Has this been an issue in past relationships? What has he done to show you he really wants to change? Not said, mind you, DONE.

 

I get the impression, though you say he is a nice guy, you know he will change, etc., that this relationship is toxic for you. He hits you, therefore, he IS abusive. He is abusive, therefore, he is bad for you. I said the same things about my ex, and he never raised a hand to me. Not even close. He simply didn't treat me the way I deserved.

 

That all this comes through despite your objections to the contrary, really says something. Please, please, please talk to your counselor again. Get help in breaking away from this man. Do this first, and then consider whether you have "emotional" problems at all.

[megnog]

thank you so much for all the feedback. i know i sound textbook, but in my opinion when i read stuff like that i feel like the girl is stupid - and i feel like i am not. ha ha.

anyway, i realize it may seem like his abuse is perhaps causing this emotional problems, and maybe in a small way - but i HAVE had these problems in the past, i know its me. i've wanted counseling before my relationship with this man because sometimes i feel like i'm going crazy. i never got counseling though because i always felt i would feel dumb paying someone to listen to my stupid problems.

anyway, to get into some detail, i have major self esteem problems, jealousy issues, and when we get into a fight all i seem to want to do is leave and i know thats not the best way to handle problems. also, when he wants to talk about stuff i play the "i don't know" card until he warns me hes getting very angry and i guess i push him by not doing what he wants.

 

i am scared of his "bad side" when he does lose his temper, but other than that i don't want to part from him. i know he loves me, he thinks of the sweetest things to do for me to make me feel special, and hes never cheated. hes very intelligent and makes me laugh..

and hes never cheated.

 

thats a big deal to me. youd think i've been cheated on before, and i haven't to my knowledge, but i'm so scared that i will be with someone who will cheat. its like a deathly fear for some reason. and its just odd because i hate cheaters and i became one (read below) last year.

 

anyway, yes he does see a counselor. however, last year i made the mistake of cheating on him and we broke up and THATS when he started seeing a counselor. so she knows all this terrible stuff about me but he wont admit that hes used physical violence to get his way. he actually wants to do couples counseling but i objected at first. now i'm thinking we should, because he wants me to tell the counselor that he hits me, he just is embarassed i guess to do it himself?? isn't that a step up? i told the counselor that on the phone the other night and all she could do was insult him, saying, "hes (his age) and he can't admit that hes hit you? he needs you there to say that??"

 

i don't know, she felt she had him pinned, and maybe i am stupid, maybe shes right, but my mind wont agree to that at all.

 

aloros, i don't want to break away from him yet. i still have hope.

 

how can i get this counselor to steer away from the abuse topic? and do you think he has the ability to change? he was abused as a kid from his father but when i told the counselor that she said that can also be used as an excuse, like, "i've been abused as a kid so its ok for me to abuse you now"

she had a good point... but i don't know......

ahhh

[AHIWON]

Sounds like you should be still working on the abuse topic. Maybe even end this abusive relationship if he isn't changing.

 

Make some boundaries. If he ever hits you again the relationship is over.

When is the last time he hit you? Thats serious abuse and you want to try to fix him?

 

He may always be like that case some abusers stay abusive all their lives. Some can be treated with therapy long as they are wiling to see what they are doing and correct the negative behavior. If he doesn't change than get away from him as fast as you can. You deserve to be treated better than that, come on. What he does is horrible.

[Kwo-ne'-she]

thank you so much for all the feedback. i know i sound textbook, but in my opinion when i read stuff like that i feel like the girl is stupid - and i feel like i am not. ha ha.

There is a world of difference between "stupid" and "denial". I don't think you are stupid at all. I think you are denying the problem, as a self-defense mechinism. You are not yet ready to face it, and call it what it is. I was there myself. Several times.

anyway, i realize it may seem like his abuse is perhaps causing this emotional problems, and maybe in a small way - but i HAVE had these problems in the past, i know its me. i've wanted counseling before my relationship with this man because sometimes i feel like i'm going crazy. i never got counseling though because i always felt i would feel dumb paying someone to listen to my stupid problems.

It's good that you have sought counseling. As I said, please take advantage of it. Even if it means examining your current relationship. His treatment of you should not be acceptable ~ regardless of what you do or say, hitting should not be an option. He has problems too.

anyway, to get into some detail, i have major self esteem problems, jealousy issues, and when we get into a fight all i seem to want to do is leave and i know thats not the best way to handle problems.

Another reason why you should discuss this relationship with the counselor. Maybe you are drawn to a certain type of man, which further escalates your own problems. (I went through 3 longterm relationships with either verbally or physically abusive men, because I felt their jealous/control/possessivness equaled love. I had to re-learn what love really is)

also, when he wants to talk about stuff i play the "i don't know" card until he warns me hes getting very angry and i guess i push him by not doing what he wants.

Stop making excuses for his actions. You should be able to say "I don't know" 3 thousand times, click your heels together, then launch into I Am Woman Hear Me Roar ~ without the man becoming abusive.

i am scared of his "bad side" when he does lose his temper, but other than that i don't want to part from him. i know he loves me, he thinks of the sweetest things to do for me to make me feel special, and hes never cheated. hes very intelligent and makes me laugh..

and hes never cheated.

So, you are scared of his bad side, when he loses his temper. Therefor, you are thinking if you learn to walk on eggshells properly, to keep him happy, things will be good? And FYI, just because a man does sweet things, never cheats, is intelligent, and can tell a joke....that doesn't make him a good man, nor does it excuse abuse he doles out.

 

thats a big deal to me. youd think i've been cheated on before, and i haven't to my knowledge, but i'm so scared that i will be with someone who will cheat. its like a deathly fear for some reason. and its just odd because i hate cheaters and i became one (read below) last year.

Cheating is a big deal, and very painful. That is on my personal list of "deal breakers" ~ right next to ABUSE.

 

anyway, yes he does see a counselor. however, last year i made the mistake of cheating on him and we broke up and THATS when he started seeing a counselor. so she knows all this terrible stuff about me but he wont admit that hes used physical violence to get his way. he actually wants to do couples counseling but i objected at first. now i'm thinking we should, because he wants me to tell the counselor that he hits me, he just is embarassed i guess to do it himself?? isn't that a step up? i told the counselor that on the phone the other night and all she could do was insult him, saying, "hes (his age) and he can't admit that hes hit you? he needs you there to say that??"

 

i don't know, she felt she had him pinned, and maybe i am stupid, maybe shes right, but my mind wont agree to that at all.

 

aloros, i don't want to break away from him yet. i still have hope.

 

how can i get this counselor to steer away from the abuse topic? and do you think he has the ability to change? he was abused as a kid from his father but when i told the counselor that she said that can also be used as an excuse, like, "i've been abused as a kid so its ok for me to abuse you now"

she had a good point... but i don't know......

ahhh

If that is a "requirement" for you to continue....you aren't going to get much help, hon. Until you realize his abuse of you has a HUGE part to do with your problems at this moment, you might as wll throw in the towel.

[LoveLace]

I do suggest couples counseling, and nothing will be resolved or really brought to the surface until he can admit to abusing you. You shouldn't keep blaming yourself for his behavior.

 

If you ask any abuser's wife or girlfriend, she will say exactly all the things you say, "he has a good heart", etc...everyone has a good heart when they want to. And there is no "typical" abuser...every situation is different in some way, but they are all the same in the fact that abuse is very wrong and the victim does not deserve to put up with it even for a second. If he can't admit to this problem and attempt to fix it within himself and professionally, this relationship should not continue. With time, he will only get more and more aggressive with his violence and he will ALWAYS make it up to you by being the biggest sweetheart later (The Honeymoon Phase of abuse). I don't think you'll find any counselor who won't want to address the abuse, first and foremost, you might not feel like you are in any danger (yet), but you very well could be and you should be focusing on that more than anything else at this point.

[Bree]

I was in an abusive relationship for six years and i loved him but it wasnt my fault he wanted to hurt me over simply fighting. Think better of yourself you can find someone else to love and be happier with. thats what i did and i dont regret it for a minute be strong and independent not weak. he need more help than you!

[Storyrider]

Your emotional problems and his problems controlling his temper may very well be two separate issues, as you've said.

 

But in the hierarchy of your well being, you have to be physically safe before you can be emotionally sound. That is what the counselor is trying to ensure.