D-Lish Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 I met a man online and we've had three dates. Certainly, 3 dates doesn't mean we are committed or limited to dating only each other at this stage. It's been casual so far, but it's obvious we like one another. I quite like this guy- and we get along fabulously so far... just hit it off right away...or so I thought. 3 Dates- the first meeting was casual, then he came to my place for dinner... and last night I went to his place for dinner and ended up staying over.... no sex, but fooling around some. The problem is that when he reached out to me online, he didn't have his picture on his profile... he just sent it to me privately- back stage. I thought that it would be proper of me to take down my pictures for the moment because him and I have been talking about being together. Now I don't know if I made a mistake. I went online to take my pics down and noticed he now has a public pic posted. I'm a little confused about what to make of this. He never had a pic posted publically before... and now that we've had three dates- I go in and see his pic is up now??? Of course this phase of dating is so new, and we don't owe each other a thing at this point in time. But I'm wondering if I'm being "played"... Any thoughts? Am I reading too much into this? I'm not going to say anything to him at the moment. But why bring up wanting to date me and then go and post a public pic? He said he had taken his pic down in the past because he got harrassed by too many women! I must admit that I do feel a little confused about this. Should I just pull back a little? That is where my mind is at right now. he's called me twice today and MSN'ed me all day....telling me he can't wait to get together again. I only discovered the pics about an hour ago... but I truly want to pull back a bit for the moment...protect myself a little bit. Thoughts? Thanks.
amaysngrace Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Well you'll never know why he did this unless you ask him. Don't look for anyone here to read his mind, especially moi. Can you casually just say "hey I saw you posted your picture" and then wait for him to explain? You never know. Maybe he likes the attention. Or maybe he likes you more than you think and knows yours are still posted. And feels slighted by that... But the thing is, you'll never know unless you discuss it.
Author D-Lish Posted March 26, 2007 Author Posted March 26, 2007 Well you'll never know why he did this unless you ask him. Don't look for anyone here to read his mind, especially moi. Can you casually just say "hey I saw you posted your picture" and then wait for him to explain? You never know. Maybe he likes the attention. Or maybe he likes you more than you think and knows yours are still posted. And feels slighted by that... But the thing is, you'll never know unless you discuss it. Good call. And thanks for reminding me that I'm an adult and should be able to ask him this question and get an answer. I just found myself feeling really good about this guy- and seeing his pic up just confused me. My first reaction was/is to pull away.
alphamale Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 after 3 dates I don't think you should be asking such personal questions
Art_Critic Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 after 3 dates I don't think you should be asking such personal questions Well Alpha if it is okay to put your penis in someones mouth after a few dates why can't she ask him why his picture went public ? I would think that the exchange of bodily fluids would be wayyyy more personal than asking about his dating profile that they have in common.. D-lish..Just ask him..
amaysngrace Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 My first reaction was/is to pull away. Try to seriously rethink that response. I know it's hard to do, especially if you've been burned in the past, but you should try to remain open and see things clearly before you pull back. It's okay not to be on the defensive all the time. Especially if you think he and you have a good chance at a healthy relationship. Little by little, step by step...
alphamale Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Well Alpha if it is okay to put your penis in someones mouth after a few dates why can't she ask him why his picture went public ?.. because I'm a boy and she's a girl no, lets forget about online for a minute...lets assume they met thru a mutual friend. after date 3 the mutual friend tells D-Lish that he's dating others (with all other variables the same). is it OK for her to ask him about the others he's dating when they have no understanding or commitment? I think not.
Author D-Lish Posted March 26, 2007 Author Posted March 26, 2007 Well Alpha if it is okay to put your penis in someones mouth after a few dates why can't she ask him why his picture went public ? I would think that the exchange of bodily fluids would be wayyyy more personal than asking about his dating profile that they have in common.. D-lish..Just ask him.. Haha, thanks Art. And yes, there has been some of that going on. I don't think this guy needs to take his profile down- but I do question why the pics went up AFTER we started dating... but weren't up prior. Just makes me wonder what his intentions for doing so are. if it's the case that he wants to keep looking around ... then my angle is that I'd prefer to slow down then. I like your blunt response. D
Art_Critic Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 because I'm a boy and she's a girl no, lets forget about online for a minute...lets assume they met thru a mutual friend. after date 3 the mutual friend tells D-Lish that he's dating others (with all other variables the same). is it OK for her to ask him about the others he's dating when they have no understanding or commitment? I think not. It isn't the same though.. the profile is public and they communicate thru that.. I get where you are coming from though.. I don't think it is right to ask any confidential personal info.. The profile is public and the pic changed during their dates
Author D-Lish Posted March 26, 2007 Author Posted March 26, 2007 because I'm a boy and she's a girl no, lets forget about online for a minute...lets assume they met thru a mutual friend. after date 3 the mutual friend tells D-Lish that he's dating others (with all other variables the same). is it OK for her to ask him about the others he's dating when they have no understanding or commitment? I think not. I think that if you are going to get physical with someone, or are thinking about sleeping with them that you have a right to ask if they are planning on sleeping with other women at the same time. Then I would simply cut my losses and walk away... no harm done.
alphamale Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 I get where you are coming from though.. its too early in the dating process....i would never ask a woman that sheeyot after 3 dates. even if we'd already had sex. The profile is public and the pic changed during their dates so? what if he had added no pic but changed the text of his profile?
Starry-eyed Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Maybe he didn't have a good picture of himself until recently. There could be a really innocent and irrelevant explanation about why he put a picture up.
Author D-Lish Posted March 26, 2007 Author Posted March 26, 2007 Try to seriously rethink that response. I know it's hard to do, especially if you've been burned in the past, but you should try to remain open and see things clearly before you pull back. It's okay not to be on the defensive all the time. Especially if you think he and you have a good chance at a healthy relationship. Little by little, step by step... Well, after getting burned in the past- I certainly tend to react by pulling away to prevent getting hurt. But I am trying to look at this rationally and not make a hasty decision. And we aren't communicating through the dating site anymore... we have moved on to phone/MSN and visits. We don't send each other mail through the site anymore. But he does call/text/contact me numerous times daily. But no, he owes me no explanation about his intentions at this point- it's still new. It would be nice to be on the same page though. I'm not going to sleep with him if he plans on having multiple partners. That's where I'm coming from. Thanks for the responses! D
Author D-Lish Posted March 26, 2007 Author Posted March 26, 2007 Maybe he didn't have a good picture of himself until recently. There could be a really innocent and irrelevant explanation about why he put a picture up. Nope, it's one of the same pics that he sent me a month ago. I am going to let it slide for the time being- and just take things slow. I like him enough to see what transpires. Who knows what is going on in his head. I'll ask when I think the timing is more appropriate.
2ndIINone Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Personally I agree too... way too soon to ask questions. You run the risk of 'looking' like a jealous person... in his eyes and ears it will translate to alot more then that. "Feel" him out casually while dating... seeing where it goes. If he's still got the profile/pic up (assuming it's a dating site and not MS) THEN maybe you can ask questions. But not after 3 dates. Trust is a MAJOR factor in dating.... if you start displaying 'trust' issues after only 3 dates, then you'd be diggin' your own hole. Keep it cool, keep it casual. only IMO.
amaysngrace Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Personally I agree too... way too soon to ask questions. You run the risk of 'looking' like a jealous person. Casually mentioning the picture doesn't appear jealous. It shows interest. And it can help her understand where his head is at gauging from his response. The truth is that it struck a nerve in her. It's best to clear it up rather than for her to just "think the worst". And if he's not open to easing her mind then it's no big deal for her, she can move on. Communication is a priority in all healthy relationships, not assumptions or swallowed feelings as to look like someone you aren't.
Art_Critic Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Trust is a MAJOR factor in dating.... if you start displaying 'trust' issues after only 3 dates, then you'd be diggin' your own hole. Keep it cool, keep it casual. only IMO. Isn't that kinda what he is building ? a trust issue ? If I was interested in a girl I met online I certainly wouldn't be driving her away by changing my profile.. how is that supposed to get me the girl ? I would play it out for some more dates first to see if we stick before going back online While I agree that after 3 dates you can't ask certain questions.. but to ask about his dating profile that they have in common .. sure she can ask him without seeming like she has a trust issue. The reality is that if they sleep together and he keeps dating online he has created a big trust problem.. I think she has her head screwed on straight when she said she won't sleep with him until she is sure he isn't going to be a player..
2ndIINone Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Casually mentioning the picture doesn't appear jealousCasual? Flat out asking? Sign Language? It doesn't matter... This man will 'sniff' out her insecurity if she asks about his profile/pics. Waaaay too soon. He knows he DIDN'T have a pic before... and puts one up after they hang out??? In fact, he's probably waiting for her to 'casually bring it up' just to feel her out. OR maybe it's his way of saying... I'm still looking. Who knows... but it's way to soon to ask questions. Again, this is only my opinion. Doesn't make it right OR wrong... just offering suggestion. Isn't that kinda what he is building ? a trust issue ?That all depends on his motives.... which none of us know yet. I think she has her head screwed on straight when she said she won't sleep with him until she is sure he isn't going to be a player..I agree with this too.... but she can't just ask about his picture and why it's up all of a sudden. He'll KNOW she's fishing.
johan Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 ...him and I have been talking about being together. I think this gives you the right to ask. You don't need to force the issue. But if he's already showed signs of commitment and exclusivity, then he does something that seems to contradict what he said, then I think he at least should be straight with you about which story is the right one. What would be a mistake is for you to care. You owe it to yourself to protect your health and your feelings, and that's the motivation that matters at this point. If it means asking difficult questions, well then that's the way it goes. Think about what it would mean to not ask. It would mean you would be doubting his words and actions and also whether he was telling you everything you need to know about possible activities with other women.
alphamale Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 .... but she can't just ask about his picture and why it's up all of a sudden. He'll KNOW she's fishing. right...and as I asked before what if he did not add a pic but just changed his text? would D-LISH ask him about that also? I can see her now on date #4: "So...er....um...yea....I noticed you changed some of the wording in your online profile, whats up?"
luvtoto Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 If it were me, I would update my profile also. Put up a new pic or change the text. Give him a taste of his own medicine and see if he brings it up to you. If he doesn't, then I would assume he doesn't care very much.
johan Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 To those who say this will make you appear insecure. I think you can be more motivated NOT to ask by insecurity. If you're sure of yourself and what you see, then straight honesty and an expectation for others to be straight with you are not signs of insecurity. They are signs of a strong sense of self. Sometimes insecure people will do anything to be sure not to appear insecure. Secure people will just do the right thing, regardless of how it appears. And I wouldn't turn it into a game fest either.
alphamale Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 they're not even a couple yet...he can do whatever he wants with his profile and she can also.
2ndIINone Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 him and I have been talking about being together. THIS shouldn't happen after only 3 dates either.... shhheeeesh! If it were me, I would update my profile also. Put up a new pic or change the text. Give him a taste of his own medicine and see if he brings it up to you. Great! Let the games begin already!!!! Why not just quit now... skip the whole relationship, and jump right to the breakup and get it over with....
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