should my BFs horrible parents threaten our thoughts of marriage?

[minou.minou]

i've been in a relationship for three years now (and have agreed we want to spend out lives together) but my BFs family is a serious problem. They are extremely religious (christian) while I am not religious at all, and refuse to let me stay in their house (one time after driving 4 hours with my BF to help him move), refuse to invite me out with them, and generally ignore me.

 

Yet, the problem is that his mother and sister are horribly invasive. His mother expects that she stay with us (in my apartment where we were both living) when she is visiting, yet only asks him. Similarly, when we were in town visiting different friends, his sister took a train 3 hours to get there, just to visit with him on the three hour car-ride back (in my car), while not asking me at all if it would be okay if i drove her, and after three years of her coldness and obvious disapproval. I've started to stand up for myself which has caused serious problems with my BF. He agrees that his family is horrible, but completely excuses their behavior saying that they won't change anyways, so its easiest to go along the way things are. His mother completley coddles him (expecting him at age 25 to phone every single night), yet at the same time treats him horribly. I'm a good person, working on a second university degree and there is no reason fro them not to dislike me. This is especially hard because I am very close to my own family (who live across the country though), who treat my BF extremely well.

 

I really love my BF, but am extremely worried about our future. Worse, is the fact that he dismisses their mean behavior so easily. Even though he recognized that they are manipulative and invasive of him, he feels the need to be a 'good son' and spend time with them. Yet this time apart really hurts me, when they go places without asking me along. I'm not sure what to do. Its horrible, but sometimes I wish I could just tell him 'them or me'. advice!?!!

[Curmudgeon]

Worse, is the fact that he dismisses their mean behavior so easily. Even though he recognized that they are manipulative and invasive of him, he feels the need to be a 'good son' and spend time with them.

 

Just keep in mind that when you marry him, you "marry" his family as well.

 

He obviously isn't ready to put you and your relationship first and is all too willing to knuckle-under to and make excuses for his family.

 

I don't think that's someone you want to have children with.

 

As always, just one man's opinion!

[capri]

Agreed with Curmudgeon. You marry his family. You marry him the way he is and that includes the way he allows his family to treat you.

 

I am married to someone like your boyfriend, and I can say that in retrospect, I would not marry him again, knowing what I know now.

[jmargel]

My wife's family is very messed up, but in other ways. Having a messed up family does play into the marriage and with him not willing to stand up to his parents he is putting them above you. Which IMO if you marry someone they need to be #1 above everyone else.

 

Though I've only been married 3 years, the problems you have before marriage, magnifies itself by 10 after the wedding. You will have constant headaches and drama if you marry him now.

[minou.minou]

Thank-you so much for your replies and perspective. I think that is something I knew, but can't follow through with. I do love him, and can't imagine breaking up with him because of his family. I can't imagine finding anyone else like him. Yet perhaps it is too much, or not fair, hoping that he will change his behavior regarding his parents. Thanks again for the replies.

[Mz. Pixie]

Though I've only been married 3 years, the problems you have before marriage, magnifies itself by 10 after the wedding. You will have constant headaches and drama if you marry him now.

 

I agree with C Lion and J- any problem you have now will be magnified if you guys get married and just wait until the kids come along! That will be another whole set of drama for you.