meetme26 Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 I'm new here so here goes....I've been seeing a MM since last summer. We live several hours apart and have had some amazing times. I've talked to him about taking this situation to the next level (him leaving his wife and us trying to work things out), but he says he's willing to stay in his marriage so not to upset his son (8). Lately things have been getting tense and I am sensing him wanting some distance. (I've called a couple of times, he's polite, talks a few minutes or less, says he'll call me back but never does!) I'm getting frustrated and I want to stir things up a bit. I've never met his wife, but I have their home number, know where she works, etc. Today is the last straw! I called him this morning, says he'll call back in a little bit. 5 hours later, no call. No call by tonight and I'm calling his wife in the morning. I have dates, times, receipts, pictures, cards, and even video of us together in very compromising positions. Should I make the call?
GreenEyedLady Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 No, do not make the call... You are doing this for the wrong reasons...just end it...
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 No! Do not call her. When things were going your way, and the affair was going real good, I'm sure you had no intention of telling her, right? So, now that things are not going your way, NOW you feel the need to tell her? And what do you think will happen? She'll hand over her husband to you, with a smile on her face? Come on.... If you tell her, two things will happen - 1)He'll hate you and never speak to you again, and still stay with his wife. 2)He'll still hate you, and resent you forever even if his marriage ends. You knew going into this affair he was married and in all honesty, you have no real right to MAKE him leave his wife and children. The line he's giving you about not leaving - MOST OW have heard that one, and chances are, his marriage is pretty good. Remember, he's lies to his wife, so don't you think he'd lie to you too? His actions are showing you he isn't as into the affair as he once was. Deal with it. Decide either to stay the OW and put up with what he's offering you or END IT for good. Take control of your life. To call and stir things up, is a dumb move on your behalf. What you expect to happen WILL not happen in your favour. Plus, you are just as responsible for being in this affair too. The best thing you can do for yourself is tell him you deserve more and since he can't give that to you, it's time to move on and say goodbye. FInd a single man who isn't taken. YOu are missing out on alot by staying with him.... AND, even if he were to leave his wife and kid, how long would it be before you doubted him? Could you fully trust him knowing that he is a cheater? DO NOT CALL HIS WIFE! You have no right to interfer in their marriage that way.
americus Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 If he's cheating, I doubt his marriage is pretty good. Honestly, you should call up and pretend to be someone else and ask for her husband. When she asks who it is that is calling, say his girlfriend. Then when she says "Im his wife" say "oh, he said he wasn't married". At least you don't have to get vulnerable and let her rip away at your situation and vice-versa because the way you will go about it will end up argumentative ... but this way you'll still expose him for the lying cheat he is or at least plant some major seeds of doubt in her head if he tries to refute those claims. Anyways, I think the woman should know. But you know it's likely that he will cheat on you too so don't expect a match made in heaven here. I would let her know and break ties with him as well. He is no good for anyone.
norajane Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 He's showing signs of wanting to end your affair, or at least of losing interest in it. So why don't you just take control of your own life and just end the affair yourself? You can leave with dignity and class instead of being the "crazy, vengeful OW". Once you're out of it and can see him for what he is, you won't care about his wife or what she knows or doesn't know.
Author meetme26 Posted March 25, 2007 Author Posted March 25, 2007 One thing I forgot to mention...his wife was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis not long after we started the A. Had a major flare-up near Christmas and was unable to work and walk for nearly a week. Since stress is known factor in MS flare-ups.....hmmmm.......
pricillia Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 One thing I forgot to mention...his wife was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis not long after we started the A. Had a major flare-up near Christmas and was unable to work and walk for nearly a week. Since stress is known factor in MS flare-ups.....hmmmm....... So let me get this straight... you want to hurt his wife by stressing her out even more so she could have a flare-up... isn't that just a little mean Don't get me wrong, but I have thought about telling as well, but wouldn't do it. Do it if you want to but think of the fall out.
kymberann Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 You will do what you need to do for you, whether that is to tell or not. Just know though that if you do, you will never see MM again and that is a 100 per cent certainty!
norajane Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 One thing I forgot to mention...his wife was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis not long after we started the A. Had a major flare-up near Christmas and was unable to work and walk for nearly a week. Since stress is known factor in MS flare-ups.....hmmmm....... I hope that "hmmm" just means you are wondering if she might have found out about the affair, or if it means he's being more attentive to her (and less to you) because he doesn't want to stress her out again. I really, really hope that "hmmm" doesn't mean you are considering telling her in order to worsen her condition. If that's the case, you really need to get a grip on yourself. That is cruel and goes way beyond the bounds of human decency.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 I've often fantasised about telling my MM's wife about our affair. But thats just what it was and what it will always remain - a fantasy. You are a by-product of the problems in their marriage. You do not have the right to interfere in their marriage - it's theirs and not yours. Could it be that your MM has saw his W dealing with pain, realised that problems in their M (whether she suspects or doesn't suspect an affair notwithstanding) could be causing the flare ups and has decided to end it with you. But also, maybe your MM is worried about your reaction to him ending the A - as you say, you have "evidence" of the affair. Maybe he's worried you will tell his W and cause her more pain? Move on, set him and his wife free and by doing that you're setting yourself free to find a more empowering, loving relationship.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 Call her whether he calls or not. Offer to send her everything she needs and be willing to talk to her about whatever information she might be able to use against him. I'm against calling UNLESS you are willing to give her the proof that she needs to move on.
Trialbyfire Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 While I agree that what you're contemplating doing is cruel and very selfish, so was the entire affair. He's no man at all if he has an affair with a wife who has a debilitating disease and you're no better. This entire situation is disgusting beyond comprehension. Peoples' selfishness have no boundaries.
sara500 Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 What do you expect to happen once you tell his wife?
Author meetme26 Posted March 25, 2007 Author Posted March 25, 2007 He has no idea I'm thinking of calling, let alone have video of us together. I think he'll be more shocked than she is.
sara500 Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 GreenEyeLady, You crack me up. You call people a troll but what are you? Does calling people name make you feel a glimpse better?
GreenEyedLady Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 GreenEyeLady, You crack me up. You call people a troll but what are you? Does calling people name make you feel a glimpse better? If you knew what a troll was, you'd know what I'm talking about...your ignorance is showing...
smokenmirrors Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 He has no idea I'm thinking of calling, let alone have video of us together. I think he'll be more shocked than she is. He doesn't know you have video of the two of you together? I imagine he WILL be shocked when you hand that over to his wife. You may want to think twice on making that film known to anyone, especially if it was taped without his consent. He may have a case against you in that regard. Depends on your state laws. I would be careful with that if I were you. What do you expect to happen once you tell his wife? IF this story is even true..... She expects his wife to throw him out and the path will be clear for her to get her man. Only, it won't happen that way. He will hate her for this. That is a guarantee.
Latingirl31 Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 I do not think that you should be the one to tell her. If she finds out, let it be on her own because as you have been told before it will not make him stay with you. At the end of the day you are not going to want to be with someone who cheats because you will never be at peace with the relationship. I am sure that you can find someone who is not married and can give you the attention and respect that you need. I know letting go and forgetting is easier said then done but it does become easier.
EC Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 OMG are you serious? Do you even care about what will happen to his son who is only 8!??! Do you realize your being selfish and that your doing all of this for the wrong reasons. To stir things up a bit? C'mon. Just try talking to him and voicing your concerns about him distancing himself. Ask whats going on. RELAX! Its only beena few days he might just be going through something!
outofdarkness Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 I'm new here so here goes....I've been seeing a MM since last summer. We live several hours apart and have had some amazing times. I've talked to him about taking this situation to the next level (him leaving his wife and us trying to work things out), but he says he's willing to stay in his marriage so not to upset his son (8). Lately things have been getting tense and I am sensing him wanting some distance. (I've called a couple of times, he's polite, talks a few minutes or less, says he'll call me back but never does!) I'm getting frustrated and I want to stir things up a bit. I've never met his wife, but I have their home number, know where she works, etc. Today is the last straw! I called him this morning, says he'll call back in a little bit. 5 hours later, no call. No call by tonight and I'm calling his wife in the morning. I have dates, times, receipts, pictures, cards, and even video of us together in very compromising positions. Should I make the call? WHY do you have dates, times, receipts, etc and video of you two together??? Did you think when you started all of this that you were going to do something vengeful w/ these? This doesn't seem to be a very healthy R either. I don't believe that ANY A's are healthy, but how can you think that his M isn't healthy and your A w/ him IS? You seem to have alot of distrust and suspicion on your part about him...Could it be b/c he is a cheater??? If he cheats on his W, he will most likely cheat on YOU too...That might be why you thought to keep all of these things, b/c you didn't want to get burned too?? What is your reason for wanting to tell the W? To get back at HIM...Been there..and let me tell you that it makes the W and kids more miserable then the MM...Anger and vengeance will get you nowhere...Take a deep breath and really analyze you reasons for wanting to tell her all of this stuff...
sadbuttrue Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 yeah, i told, it wasnt the best thing. she still doesnt believe anything happened and i am still in this dead-end R with MM. dont tell.
rdnkgrl31 Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 No way, you shouldn't call her. I have fantasized about calling my MM W but when it comes down to it. I love him so much, that I don't want him hurt. And also, when I entered this I knew he was married. What right do I have to do that? If it takes a phone call for her to make the move, I don't want that. I want him to leave on his own to be w/ me. Not b/c she found out. It does sound like he is wanting to end it, just ask him outright if that is what he wants.
herenow Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 To all OW, this is the type of woman that gives all of you a bad name. Cruel and selfish. This woman doesn't care about anyone but herself. I do hope that she is a troll because I would like to believe that humans are better than this.
puddleofmud Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 NO! You should not! If you are truly in love with someone than one does not wish to manipulate, abuse nor hurt their respective loved ones!!!! Should YOU feel manipulated or abused or hurt, or if you just plain don't like the situation than your choice is to leave... You may only create more drama and pain and you will have the souls of others upon yourself to answer. You won't be able to punish him: he will deflect whatever you do by any means possible which will hurt you further. Also, though you may have "proof" it won't matter in the least because he can make you out to be quite insane with the method you plan to use and his wife will believe him. Though I am rarely judgemental I would have to say "shame on you, girl!" What are you thinking by taping anyone having sex w. you without their knowlege as well as so unconcerned about his spouse' illness? HE may have been an A-hole about it, but you don't have to be... Should you do this--you LOOSE in every way possible. Your satifaction will be short-lived and won't placate the fact that he is already gone and factually never was with you. PS: men do not like manipulative women and that you betrayed him by taping without his knowlege will very much let him know the "kind" of woman you may be. Take to heart that you are better and don't let this lesson you have learned drown you. Rescue yourself, swim for shore and build a great life for yourself--that's all that should matter.
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