What's acceptable to "put up with"?

[Just A Girl2]

I've had my share of crappy relationships.....I think a lot of it has been due to having grown up in an abusive home (physical/mental/verbal/emotional), and also not having had strong parent "relationship role models." Looking back, a lot of the crap I've endured in relationships, was often due to my subconscious inability to realize that I deserved better, and maybe too because I was never really sure how much was "too much" to put up with.

 

Now I'm 35 and a lot more cautious/careful/selective/choosy, but there still come many times where I'll be starting to date someone and I have trouble discerning between legitimate 'red flags' and just the guy being human/imperfect.

 

I know how I've been in the past...."falling quickly" and missing "things" that I should have seen clearly, so now I admit that I probably overanalyze a new person I'm dating/their words/their behavior/their attitudes, etc (not generally TO them, more to myself)......and I admit, sometimes I'm just not sure of things. What is acceptable? Seems like (maybe I'm wrong) there's fine line between "red flags" and "being simply human" ? What do you think?

 

I so much don't want to waste even one more day of my life, with the wrong person/or with someone who will turn out to be horribly wrong for me.......but on the other hand, my experience is that there's not a lot of good men left at this age. Most in the age group of 35-42 (my preferred age range) are either divorced (why?), have many kids from a previous relationship (I don't want kids), or they've never been married (why?), or they just have tons of issues or who knows what their problem is.

 

When I begin to date someone, I admit that I spend a lot of time (to myself), analyzing things......I guess I do that because I'm trying to assess the situation from the start, to see the 'warning signs', so that I avoid my past mistake of "falling for them" and then being too willing to overlook things.

 

It sure can get complicated, to me, anyway.

 

I know I'm not perfect so I can't expect perfection from someone else.

 

I know enough not to tolerate any kind of abuse, but sometimes abuse can be subtle (emotional/verbal abuse, disrespect) and given my childhood/past relationships, I'm still not totally clear on what I should have to put up with and what I shouldn't have to.

 

I guess part of me fears being "too cautious" and asking for too much, maybe, and ending up 60 yrs old and all alone. I'm not desperate to be with someone, I don't really actively pursue anyone (what I'm saying is, it's not my mission in life to find someone)......but every once in a while I'll meet/date someone who has SOME great qualities, but some that aren't so hot, and I really have a hard time figuring out whether the qualities that are "not so hot" are things that are "no big deal" or if they are 'red flags'.

 

Can anyone else relate to what I'm saying here?

 

Over the years, I've read many self-help books, and books about compatibility and relationships, in my neverending quest to be as smart/informed as I can be, but this whole area still always seems to be a mystery; a type of grey area to me.

 

Anybody have any words of wisdom?

 

I am, however, proud of myself, that I've gotten to the place in life where I've learned some of my weaknessess (eg...that I can end up 'falling too fast' for someone, therefore increasing the odds of overlooking red flags because I get caught up in "having someone" and "being in love", etc)......but I still have a long ways to go.

 

How do YOU determine what's a 'red flag' in the beginning of a new relationship?

 

How do YOU determine what's simply unacceptable behavior from someone you're dating? (even when it's fairly subtle)

 

What kinds of things are non-significant enough that you should just 'suck up' and overlook? Is it an art or a science, or both, to figure this all out?

 

Thanks

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "Anybody have any words of wisdom?

 

Yes, get a dog!

[Just A Girl2]

Well, that doesn't really help me much. Besides, I'm not a dog person.

[Tony T]

As people get older, they become more aware of life, potential problems and they don't fall in love the same blind way they did when they were in their 20's....but they still really want to and hope to. Yes, some actually do but not many and not for long most of the time.

 

I think as people hit their mid 30's and on, love becomes a more practical matter...or at least should. More critical examinations of potential mates take place for many...while others seem content on settling for the next person who stops by. It's really an individual thing largely based on the totality of romantic and friendship experiences to that point.

 

You have described your behavior and I see nothing wrong with it, except as you admit there are no perfect people. But since you are so much more aware of potential problems, you become hypervigilant about a potential's character and personality traits. There's not really much you can do about that because it's an automatic thing.

 

I still maintain that, no matter what age you are, when the RIGHT person comes along there isn't much question about whether or not we want to move forward into a serious relationship. But as we get older, the population of potential partners dwindles....the number of them with baggage increases...so it's a bit more difficult and it can take longer for the magic moment to happen. And it always does if you get out there and make yourself availble.

 

Timing is everything. You have to be ready for it. The right person has to present himself or herself. And the other person has to consider you right as well.

 

Have patience and enjoy the ride. You don't seem to be in a spectacular hurry. Your biological clock has pretty much shut down...you may be in for a very nice surprise.

[HokeyReligions]

Stop reading the books and over analyzing everything. If you date someone just live in the moment and don't try to qualify everyone as a potential long-term mate.

 

We learn about ourselves from the people we date and I would think that it would be beneficial to date a lot of people and not search for a mate. That way when that "spark" happens you will know more about yourself and be more confident when it comes to making decisions.

 

I wouldn't date a man who drinks, even though I have a drink sometimes. I KNOW I'm not an alcoholic and I don't drink very often, but having a drunk in the family it scares the bejeebers out of me to even take a chance with someone who drinks. Knowing that about myself, I would just ask right away if the guy drinks.

 

Actually, when I was dating (a zillion years ago) I had my own list of priorities and I would spend the first date just asking and answering questions! I remember asking my husband (on our first date) if he had any diseases, if some kid might show up on the doorstep someday and ask for his father, what his goals were for himself, what his intentions are for the girls he dated, and we spent a very long time discussing animals - dogs in particular. I adore animals and am a dog person to the nth degree. I will never not have dogs and anyone that couldn't accept that and support it was someone I didn't want to be with. Our first date was sitting in a Denny's for almost 9 hours just talking and asking/answering questions! We were just going for coffee after work and ended up closing the place down. We got married two years later.

[Girl]

Been there, done that.... here's my take

 

Firstly I've learnt that getting to know someone, especially a love interest, is a process.... it would be ideal to go from stranger to best friend lover within a week or two but that's really NOT how it works.... especially when your mind, heart and life are on the line....

 

The analysing starts once the emotions have come into play.... much easier to keep a friendship boundary on things until you've gotten to know them better, as a person. This tactic will also weed out the good from the bad, a good guy who's interest is genuine will be happy to take things at YOUR pace, a bad guy will get fed up pretty quickly and hit the road....

 

I know it's easier said than done and of course there is no guarantee that keeping things at arms length in the beginning wont get you in the same hot water.... but, really, the only way to keep a bias on things is to not get prematurely emotionally involved. The patterns of a relationship are set up within the first few weeks..... go real slow - a person will always tell you and show you who they really are, your job is to just watch and listen, checking it out with your gut as you go. It takes self-discipline and a lot of awareness if you have been used to going fast but in the end if WILL be worth it.

 

Red flags.... it's really a very simple thing. Actions speak louder than words. NOTHING speaks louder about who a person really is, how they really feel, what their real intentions are, what's really going on for them than their actions over their words. If things aren't adding up, it's a red flag that you need to take heed of, no matter what they tell you, no matter how they excuse it... the rest, I think, are just normal human frailties.

[Chickie]

There are so many things at play here. Red flags to some are not to others.

 

Anyone that would endanger your physical, mental and emotional well-being for WHATEVER reason, is someone I would stay away from.

 

Obviously, substance abusers are not high on my list. Men with hair trigger tempers, violent and insulting are not good choices.

 

Anyone that is manipulative. Here's why. Manipulative people are coniving, sneaky, lying sob's. They are terribly insecure (another red flag) and always want to keep "one-up" on you, so that they can sting you before you sting them. They don't know how to be any other way, so usually, in my case, I don't entangle myself with them. Anyone that I was close to that was this way, always ended up in heated arguments with me. The reason is that they disrespect my mind when they behave that way. But because they don't know any other way, we go round and round in a circle.

 

Anyone who would do anything to get what he wants is also off my list. They are selfish, cruel, and destructive.

 

Everyone has dysfunctions to some degree, but you have to decide which ones you can deal with. I can't deal with mean people. Anyone that would take a chance of me injuring myself (saaaayyy in a car accident to make a point) I would consider mean and cruel and desperate to get what he wants.

 

Anyone that would jeopardize my relationship with my mother is cruel, cruel, cruel.

 

Anyone who is unstable and out of control is also not a good partner.

 

Cruelty usually stems from a violent past. The person doesn't see that they are cruel. But it is nothing I want in my life.

 

Men that obsess on you, are possessive and jealous are no-no's. They see you as an object to own.

 

Oh, anyone with an unhealthy relationship with his child. It could be a vindictive relationship or emotional boundary violation. Then there would emotional enmeshment , then the daughter would be used to fill the void of a possibly absent wife. Then the two cling on each other for dear life. Nothing I want to deal with.

 

In summation, bad character is bad character is bad character. You can't change your character it is who you are. Adjustments are only surface and temporary. Oh, any guy that keeps persisting in trying to get in my life is also someone I don't want. Why? Because by persisting, he is disrespecting my wishes to "get lost", and is only thinking of his needs.

 

Anyone who possesses theses traits and says "I've changed" is full of it. It is more manipulation. Then he'll say "Let me make it up to you". Yeah, make it up to me by not treating another woman like this ever again. Okay? Now we are done, nothing more to say. And don't bother waiting around, I don't want you in my life.

 

Just my 2 cents. Any guy that is right for you, won't raise any flags. It will be automatic.

[pinkroses]

It sounds so much like the exact things I have thought and wondered over the last few years too. I'm 37, and I relate to and agree with you on all points. I've been with someone a year and a half now after being alone after my divorce for six years. He's 41 and very set in his ways. At times I detect subtle forms of verbal abuse. However, in our everyday life together we get along great and we have some quirky things in common and we have good communication and love. There are times when I get annoyed with his stubbornness, then I think I'd rather deal with that, than a younger guy going out with friends all the time or cheating on me, etc. There's always the question of being able to find someone better, yet knowing there is worse out there too.

 

It's impossible to find someone without baggage. There is no perfect person out there, and the older we get the slimmer the pickings are. Not only in number, but the people we do have to choose from are largely battle-scarred from a number of past relationships. I have also wondered that same thing, what is overlook-able, and what is a no-no that I shouldn't put up with? It does tend to be confusing. Leaving every relationship where you are done wrong leaves you completely alone. The answer doesn't lie in finding a new or better partner, as some well-meaning advice will sometimes imply.

 

I think the best we can do, if we love someone, is to communicate our needs and address things we feel are going wrong in the relationship. If there is mutual love and consideration, some of these things may be able to be worked out. If not, then we have to make a decision to either live with it or to move on. (Unless it's causing physical or emotional harm., then you need to get help and get away from the situation, regardless).

[moimeme]

I have wrestled (and am wrestling) with the same question. I agree with Pinkroses - the dating scene is a crapshoot, and the older you are, the more baggage you carry. Having said that, my dad finally found the love of his life when he was 55 - and they had 30 years together! It's not a relationship I would've wanted but they were inseparable.

 

In my quest to figure out what makes a good relationship, I spoke to a few people who had had good marriages of several decades' duration. The people had all found something they really liked or admired about their mate and seemed to use that as their main image of who that person was. They respected that view of their partner and tried very hard not to hurt him or her because they cherished the other.

 

So maybe that's the clue - find someone with one quality that you can really respect or admire (something like integrity, not cute eyes LOL) and regard that person in that light when irritants arise.

 

Having said that, I've been in one real unfortunate relationship and known other people who also have. There's a gut feeling of 'get outta here' that might happen to you at some point. He might have gotten far too mad about something trivial, or said something truly bigoted, or changed behaviour when drinking - something that rings an alarm bell with you. Listen to that bell. You'll know it when you hear it - it is indeed a 'gut' feeling rather than something intellectual but, in my case, and in the cases of many people I know, it is infallible.

 

Finally, no matter what hormones are overwhelming you, don't make a committment until a year has passed. The hardest people to deal with are people who are deluding themselves that they don't have a problem. Because they have themselves fooled, they can fool you for a while. Only time will provide enough perspective to get to know someone well enough. If you can start as friends, that's my preferred way of finding a mate, but sometimes 'chemistry' hooks you and then you have to fend off its effects long enough to allow you a close look at your spousal candidate. Make a hard and fast rule that you won't commit before a year has passed and then plunge into the dating scene.

 

best of luck!

[angelindizguyz]

First of all, I can relate to how you're feeling. I myself have gone thru abuse in my life (mental, physical, emotional, and verbal). I can't decide which is the worst of the 4 forms. Anyhow, at 36 years of age, these situations have taught or programed me to be extremely distrustful and cautious of people in life. To put it crudely, I no longer live by, "give him the benefit of the doubt, everybody's different". No, my motto is, "You're filthy ****ing slime, prove me wrong!!!" Honestly, if you go into a relationship with that attitude, that he's not everything, and he proves you wrong, Great! You don't get let down this way. This may sound wrong to many people, but after years of abuse, you tend to build a wall or shield of protection around you. It takes me a long time to get to know someone before I actually would consider him a partner, boyfriend, husband material, etc. I feel safe in forming friendships. It's a win-win situation. First of all, friends are more open and not always putting on a good front for you. What you see is what you get. Isn't that really what you want to see and know about a person? Also, if they have certain traits that you don't like or agree with, then you don't have to take the relationship to the next step. Stay friends. Plus, you have something fun to do while waiting to see if he is Mr. Right.

I hope my advice works and good luck!!!!