swtcaroline2244 Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 Hi everyone I know this is long but please, I need some other perspectives. Thanks!! I was casual friends with my boyfriend before we started dating. He was a friend of my roommate. He pursued me and finally, I gave him a chance and went out on a date with him - and it was great! So we began seeing a lot more of each other. We did get into a fight in the beginning, too though. We went to this fair together and he had mentioned along the way there that he used to date a girl who worked at the fair. I didn't know that she was still working there though. So we get to the fair and then he mentions trying to find this one particular tent. I thought that he was just looking for something to buy in particular or to look at. So he finally finds it and as soon as he gets in, he sees this girl and starts hugging her. They literally talk for about 3 minutes and I don't see that his conversation is even leading to introducing me to her, so it dawns on me that this girl is his ex and I began to feel that it was very rude that he didn't give me a heads up that he was going to see his ex (even though he claims they're just friends now) and I start to wander off to see if he even notices. He doesnt even notice. Nor does he call my cell phone after 30-45 mins, I still don't hear from him. Then, I finally call him and confront him about the issue. He doesn't even think it's an issue. Then he starts to make up the excuse that he did give me a heads up but I must not have heard him or maybe he didnt say it loud enough. So anyway our argument blows up and we start talking about breaking up and so forth. He won't acknowledge that I have a right to feel the way I feel and I thinking that he's such a jackass and even tell him that. Then he gets mad and storms off, takes off in his car without me, not even thinking twice about leaving me behind with no ride home (the fair is in another state btw, about 2 hours drive away). So anyway that was our one big fight in the beginning. After I calmed down, I tried to work it out with him but he was still angry and didn't seem to want to work it out. Then he had to leave because he promised a friend he'd help him move that day, so we never got to really work it out. So he's pissed at me and won't talk to me for a whole week. I'm sitting there wondering if the plans we made for the following weekend are still on or not. I did call and text him several times but he never picked up or acknowledged my text messages. Thursday night I decide to make one more effort to call him and to my surprise, he picks up. I asked him if he's still angry and he says he's not anymore, but the tone of his voice tells me differently. He says the plans are still on for me to visit him at this volunteer event that he's doing for his job, but adds that he would most likely be too tired to do anything afterwards. He doesnt seem too enthusiastic about it though, and I don't know what to make of it but to take what he says at face value. So I visit him on Saturday night at the event and he seems to avoid me sometimes and other times, seems to hang out nearby when other people are making friendly chitchat with me...but he doesn't talk to me directly. So my friend who took me to the event had to leave and we went to say goodbye to him and to other people. He still doesnt really look at me or talk to me. Then as we are leaving, he finally looks at me and I wave bye and he half-heartedly waves bye. I felt like the whole night was so weird and that we really needed to speak face to face to make sure all the issues were addressed. So I called him up Sunday and asked him if I could come over to talk to him. He says sure and I go over, we talk it through and we make up and I feel that we really make up this time. I spend the night just hanging out with him. The next morning though, he left for work and forgot his phone. I was curious to see if he got my text messages or not (so I would know why he never replied, because he claimed he never got them when we talked Thursday night). To my shock, I found that he had been texting back and forth with this girl (I'll call her Emily) who I knew was on his Myspace friend's list. It was very obvious that they had planned a date for Saturday night. One of his texts to her literally was "Cant wait to see you Saturday! " I felt very betrayed because I thought we had made up Thursday night and yet he obviously planned the date between Monday and Wed and obviously planned to still go on the date since he lied to me and told me he 'would be too tired Sat night to do anything else after his volunteer event'. I'm not sure if he actually went out on the date Sat night because it was already 10:30 or 11pm when I left the event and he was still there. But it was also suspiciously coincidental that I learned later that he got a speeding ticket on a highway that only leads to Emily's town (he told me about the ticket). My gut feelings tell me that he rescheduled the date from Sat night to Tues night. and even though we really made up Sunday night, that he still went through with the date. I gave him the chance to bring it up himself and really thought he would bring it up eventually but he never did. He deleted her off his Myspace list. I dont think one night was enough for him to sleep with her or mess around so I was willing to forget about it and let him slide. But now, more trust issues have come up. I was on his computer one day and was using the History to find a site I couldnt remember the exact URL and I discovered that he has been browsing myspace for single girls close to his area. Now I starting to wonder if he's really happy in the relationship or now (because otherwise, it seemed great to me after we made up from that first fight). I even asked him pointe blank one day if he was happy and his first answer was a hesitant "well I'm not unhappy so I guess yeah I'm happy). That to me doesn't sound like he's happy. I finally confront him about this and the date with Emily and told him that I'm not accusing him of doing anything wrong, but want him only to be honest and upfront with me because without trust, it will be very difficult. About the browsing for single girls, he said he just likes to look at their pictures but doesnt contact them. I'm fine with him looking at porn btw, and I even watch porn with him sometimes. I told him, looking at porn is one thing, but looking the myspace profiles of actual single girls he can contact doesn't make me feel good or show any respect for me. He insisted that he's happy and says he won't browse anymore. As for the date with Emily, first he said the date happened when we were broken up for that one week when he was mad at me (but recall that I think the date still happened after we made up), then he said he never brought it up because he didnt think it mattered since he chose to date me instead of Emily anyway. I told him, yes I understood that which is why I was still with him until now, but that I wanted him to always be honest with me. I also told him that I would prefer that he try not to guess or censor as to what would matter, that I have a right to know the truth and that what may not matter to him, may matter to me. Another thing he admitted to in this conversation, that he voluntarily brought up himself, is that he deletes text messages he gets from and sends to exes that are still his friends. I tell him if the text messages are nothing to worry about then he shouldnt feel like he needs to hide them. He promises he won't hide them anymore, asks me not to give up on him, that it will take time for him to improve and break some habits, but I still think he is hiding them and know that he is still browsing myspace profiles of single girls. I feel like he has broken my trust many times and am not sure if I should keep giving him the chance to earn back that trust. Otherwise, we get along very well, he treats me well and I really don't think he'd ever go as far as cheating on me, but it's nagging me that I feel like I can't trust him because he is very shady about the little things. I'm not too worried about the exes because some of them are married, in a relationship, or have kids already but do wonder if he's really gotten over them or not. I'm really confused, because he says and insists that he's happy with me, but his actions speak differently. Would a happy bf be browsing for single girls? Okay, one last thing... I know some of you are going to criticize me for this, but hey I've been hurt many times before by deceptive boyfriends so I want to protect myself as much as possible. So here goes... I cracked his myspace after 3 months of being with him. I gave him the benefit of the doubt for 3 months but when things still didn't seem to add up, I finally gave in and went through his myspace emails. For the most part, there wasn't that much in there to concern me. One email in particular did bother me. He wrote to an online friend that he never met before about our relationship since she was asking and he says (word for word): me im trying to figure out where my relationship is going mf gf is hinting she loves me and i know i dont have the same feelings so i just act like i have no idea what she means until or if i even get those kind of feelings for her but i dont think i will. and yet if i dont feel i will im still dating her well cuz things are nice the way they are at the moment Just to clarify though, I have not been hinting that I loved him. I only write it when I leave him notes as a I do with lots of my friends when I close an email or a note. I have never told him directly that I loved him. The last sentence of what he wrote really bothers me. It makes me think that he is purposefully leading me on because the relationship is convenient for him. We've been together about 6 months now and I'm wondering if I should invest any more time into him. To this day, he has never told me that he loves me or even mentions the word love in any way. He calls/texts me occasionally to tell me misses me when I havent seen him for a few days but other than that, I'm wondering if I'm wasting my time on someone who seems like he will never be serious or fully committed. The trust issue doesnt seem to go away. He told some other female online friend that he'd be going to a certain base for military training since she lives in the state where the training is and she suggested meeting up, but when I asked him if he knew where his training would be he acted like he didn't know exactly where it would be. Things like that make me distrust him. That girl has a boyfriend too so ideally i shouldnt be worried about them hooking up but you never know these days, some girls are just plain sluts and with his history of dishonesty, Im not too sure whats going to happen if they do meet up. If he sends her more specific information on where his training will be, that will be the end of us. So I'm waiting to see if he responds further, until Any insights would be appreciated. Thanks for your feedback.
norajane Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 No, he's not trustworthy, and you are well on your way to doormat status. He dissed you and ditched you at the fair - 2 hours away from home and no ride? That should have been the end of it for you, but no, he turned it around on you and got mad at YOU for getting mad at him. And you let him get away with that and begged him to talk to you. Everything else he's done since then, and your own doubts and suspicions, should tell you that you two are not right for each other. If you stay with him, guaranteed, you will get hurt, one way or another. You asked him if he was happy, but are you? Is this the kind of relationship you want? Don't you think you deserve a guy who knows he wants to be with you and treats you like he does? Just cut your losses and move on.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 Out of curiousity, what does it take to get you to walk away from a relationship? Because if dissing you on a date, abandoning you in another state, blowing you off so he could see someone else and posting online that he doesn't care about you isn't enough, I'm wondering what you are willing to endure? Mr. Lucky
Author swtcaroline2244 Posted March 26, 2007 Author Posted March 26, 2007 It's only taken me this long because when we spend time together, it's mostly great. I feel like I can talk to him about just about anything. And at the same time, he has a lot of what I'm looking for... all except for trust. It's hard and confusing, because he hasn't actually broken the trust in such big way. For example, if I find out that he is messaging other girls trying to hook up with them, then that's an easy decision for me to let him go. Or if he cheats on me, that too is an automatic end. But so far, he's just been shady. I feel in my heart my suspicions are right but I guess I was just asking you all for confirmation... which you have given me and THANK YOU very, very much for your feedback! I have one other question though... a lot of his exes have stayed friends with him. One in particular, he says was the only one he ever loved before. I'll call her Emmy. They met in the military and were assigned to the same base after basic training. They were friends first and only dated for 3 months before she dumped him for someone else. He says he was very hurt and didn't speak to her for one year. Then they became friends again. She's married now but they both claim to be one of each other's best friends. He talks about her a lot and almost everything reminds him of her. I feel like he still has feelings for her. She met me once and she knows I'm dating him now. Ever since we started dating, she's been calling him more often, asking him to hang out with her... sometimes with her husband and sometimes just with her. I actually noticed that all his female friends seem to have become insanely jealous of his attention ever since we started dating. I saw one of Emmy's bulletins on myspace lately where she pretty much lets everyone know that she's been fighting with her husband and that if she could have anything in the world it would be happiness. Now I hope you see why I'm suspicious of her. I feel like even though she dumped my bf, she has always enjoyed his attention. And now that she is having problems in her marriage, she is trying even moreso to get his attention. I also feel like since my bf got dumped by her and seems not to have gotten over her, now that she is giving him the attention he's always wanted, that things are great for the both of them -- but it leaves me out in the cold. I don't want him to see me like a jealous gf (and for him to use that against me) but don't know how else to get rid of this girl. (And just so you know, he's gotten jealous of me before too when I used to only refer to him as my friend and not my bf.) I also find it odd that she's asking him out to see movies and do other things, without including me, when she knows we're together. I don't think she will ever leave her husband or that she is trying to get back together w/my bf, but just think that she is jealous of his attention (she's the type that thinks she's america's next top model and all that etc etc). I am going to hang in there for a bit longer but at the same time, realize not to put all my eggs in one basket. Oh btw, he confessed a while ago about the email from the girl who was trying to meet up with him. He even asked me if I wanted to write a bitchy reply back to her and said that he didn't know that she was trying to hook up with him, but now that he does, he's not going to meet her. Still, I found it odd the way he brought it up... it still doesn't explain the fact that he lied about not knowing the location of his training, when he wrote to that girl telling her the exact location. I think because I was asking about the location, he might have gotten suspicious that I knew something. So yeah I know I know, I'm getting tired of not knowing what is true or not anymore... I'll let you know when it ends
Author swtcaroline2244 Posted March 26, 2007 Author Posted March 26, 2007 It's only taken me this long because when we spend time together, it's mostly great. I feel like I can talk to him about just about anything. And at the same time, he has a lot of what I'm looking for... all except for trust. It's hard and confusing, because he hasn't actually broken the trust in such big way. For example, if I find out that he is messaging other girls trying to hook up with them, then that's an easy decision for me to let him go. Or if he cheats on me, that too is an automatic end. But so far, he's just been shady. I feel in my heart my suspicions are right but I guess I was just asking you all for confirmation... which you have given me and THANK YOU very, very much for your feedback! I have one other question though... a lot of his exes have stayed friends with him. One in particular, he says was the only one he ever loved before. I'll call her Emmy. They met in the military and were assigned to the same base after basic training. They were friends first and only dated for 3 months before she dumped him for someone else. He says he was very hurt and didn't speak to her for one year. Then they became friends again. She's married now but they both claim to be one of each other's best friends. He talks about her a lot and almost everything reminds him of her. I feel like he still has feelings for her. She met me once and she knows I'm dating him now. Ever since we started dating, she's been calling him more often, asking him to hang out with her... sometimes with her husband and sometimes just with her. I actually noticed that all his female friends seem to have become insanely jealous of his attention ever since we started dating. I saw one of Emmy's bulletins on myspace lately where she pretty much lets everyone know that she's been fighting with her husband and that if she could have anything in the world it would be happiness. Now I hope you see why I'm suspicious of her. I feel like even though she dumped my bf, she has always enjoyed his attention. And now that she is having problems in her marriage, she is trying even moreso to get his attention. I also feel like since my bf got dumped by her and seems not to have gotten over her, now that she is giving him the attention he's always wanted, that things are great for the both of them -- but it leaves me out in the cold. I don't want him to see me like a jealous gf (and for him to use that against me) but don't know how else to get rid of this girl. (And just so you know, he's gotten jealous of me before too when I used to only refer to him as my friend and not my bf.) I also find it odd that she's asking him out to see movies and do other things, without including me, when she knows we're together. I don't think she will ever leave her husband or that she is trying to get back together w/my bf, but just think that she is jealous of his attention (she's the type that thinks she's america's next top model and all that etc etc). I am going to hang in there for a bit longer but at the same time, realize not to put all my eggs in one basket. Oh btw, he confessed a while ago about the email from the girl who was trying to meet up with him. He even asked me if I wanted to write a bitchy reply back to her and said that he didn't know that she was trying to hook up with him, but now that he does, he's not going to meet her. Still, I found it odd the way he brought it up... it still doesn't explain the fact that he lied about not knowing the location of his training, when he wrote to that girl telling her the exact location. I think because I was asking about the location, he might have gotten suspicious that I knew something. So yeah I know I know, I'm getting tired of not knowing what is true or not anymore... I'll let you know when it ends
Mr. Lucky Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 I'm getting tired of not knowing what is true or not anymore Well, there's your answer. I don't have the slightest doubt that my wife would ever cheat on me - you could drop her into to a Chippendale's convention and she wouldn't stray. And yet you are motivated to check your BF's cell phone, email and Myspace account. Why is that? It's not paranoia if he really is out to do you wrong... Mr. Lucky
Motor35 Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 Pardon my bluntness, but you should have been done with this jerk when he left you at the fair. That is terribly disrespectful and over the top unacceptable.
Author swtcaroline2244 Posted April 1, 2007 Author Posted April 1, 2007 I guess I should clarify. He didn't leave me at the fair, but almost did. Until I called him and then he came back... but yeah, as if that little detail matters. There's so much about him that just doesn't add up. I think he's full of bull****. Yeah he may be nice SOMETIMES and yeah he may care for me, but it isn't love if he constantly lies to me and hides things from me that matter. A few days ago, he mentioned that the girl in NJ that wanted to meet up with him, also wanted to hook up with him. He claimed he didn't know that that was what she wanted, but because he knows now, he's not going to meet up with her and he told me that he was going to tell her no. But in his actual reply, he didn't exactly blow her off. His reply was something to the effect of, well yes I have a gf but if I didn't I would def love to take you up on your offer. I confronted him about that and his LAME excuse was that it was just his way of writing and joking with her. It didn't sound like a joke to me. My mind is made up. There's nothing left for me to trust about him. If he cares for me, he sure has one ****ed up way of showing it to me. I've thought about how life with him might be a couple years down the road...I dont feel strongly enough that things will improve. And I really hate the fact that when I bring up issues, about which I have every right to be mad, he has this way of turning the tables so that somehow, he's mad that I even bring up the issues. You should be able to feel comfortable sharing anything with your partner, right? And they shouldn't get mad at you for wanting to talk about something that bothers you, right? Then I think about how life would be without him. Almost immediately, I feel like a heavy weight has been lifted. I remember how fun things used to be when I was single. Yeah, there are some things about him I will miss, but I think I will be so much better without him.
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