bebegal Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 Ok-- I am going to try and make this as short as possible. I am one of those easy going people--always trying to find the good in people. However-one day I was talking to my boyfriend after spending a long vacation together without fighting once-- about the possibility of us moving in together in a year or so ( I am 26 he is 28) and have been together 1 and 1/2 yrs. He said there is no way we could live together--he is not ready as well as no where near ready for marriage or sex( he actually has me waiting!).. well after thinking about it-- alot-- I realized that no man--no matter how amazing they are how much we have in common is worth my waiting for--so I called him and told him that this is what I wanted and he said--oh wow you and I want totally different things. I am not ready for any of this. I coudn't believe my ears-- I mean we spend 3-4 days a week together--I am so close with his family etc etc. So I was extremely upset but said well.. if we both feel so differently we need to take a break and we did--for 4 long miserable days.. he called me back to say that he missed me, had been miserable, and was unsure what to do. We pretty much broke up after that because I said again--I will only be a relationship that is going somewhere and soon but we could not come up with any conclusion so we hung up agreeing to talk in a month or so. I called him back later that night--just to make sure he was ok-- I mean this has been my best friend for a year and half--we've been through so much together-- I was not going to just end things and leave him to deal with it alone..men do not discuss this stuff with their friends... and he sounded so grateful when I called and said that he realizes he does need to grow up or--he will be living a very lonely life. He said he thinks he can work on these things and possibly give me what I want however again.. needs to think about things for a few more days because he says that he only wants me to take him back if he can truly give me this.. as he does not want to hurt me again. So anyway-- I am waiting to here back from him.. I guess monday. What do you think about this-- should I take him back if he agrees to everything on my timelines.. not his?
norajane Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 So, you've been dating for a year and a half, and have not had sex, and he is nowhere near ready to consider moving in with you in a year, and he is nowhere near ready for marriage. Ok, then. What is his reason for waiting for sex? Has he ever had sex? He's 28...why does he want to wait? If he hasn't even considered a future for the two of you after all this time, I have a feeling he has intimacy issues and commitment issues. Even if he agrees to move in with you at some point in the future, I think you will again be disappointed when that time comes. He'll get so freaked out that he won't do it, or you'll move in together and the marriage will never happen. Or maybe he's deathly afraid of sex for some reason, and knows if you move in together, he'll have to do something about that. I find this all very confusing. Maybe I'm missing something?
Mr. Lucky Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 I mean we spend 3-4 days a week together--I am so close with his family etc etc. How could you spend so much time together without discussing the future? It seems unusual that it would take you 1 1/2 years to discover that the two of you are in very different stages of life. I am also confused by the "no sex" part - is he a virgin? Seems like a Catch 22 - no sex without committment, no committment with you. If you really are ready to settle down, I'd look elsewhere... Mr. Lucky
americat Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 Is he waiting until he hits 30 or 40 until he allows himself the joy of sex?
Fiona Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 Honey, I'm not one to talk about sex, but if a 28 year old man has you waiting 18 months for sex, I'd say it's time to move on! I had trouble keeping my Shrekky's hands off of me for the three date rule. Are you sure your BF doesn't have a BF?
Curmudgeon Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 It seems to me that he's had a year and a half of "chances" and if he hasn't been able to come to a decision by now he's either incapable of doing so or just doesn't want to. It also leads me to believe that he's completely commitment-phobic and has some real hang-ups, not the least of which is sexual. Quite frankly, I think you're wasting your time. Anything he does under pressure and duress will likely evolve into resentment on his part over time. His timelines, which I doubt he has, are equally as valid as yours, only very different, if they exist at all. I think you're both simply staving off the inevitable and I'd advise against putting any more time and effort into this relationship. Preserve the friendship but forget a relationship beyond that. He can simply become like a close girlfriend, but with a difference. Am I correct in assuming he still lives with his parents? As always, just one man's opinion.
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