Should I walk away?

[fallendisguise]

I'm having a bit of a problem and am quite unsure of what do. I have been best friends with a guy for 3 years. For the last 2 1/2 we have been having a physical relationship with each other. At the time it seemed like a great idea. I had gotten out of a bad relationship a year before we started being physical and didn't want a relationship with anyone. I wasn't ready. He was pretty much in the same boat I was. For the first year of being physical, things were great. We're extremely compatible and see each other practically everyday and if we don't, we talk on the phone or email. I've met all of his other friends and sister. He wants me to go back home with him for a few weeks, knowing that I will then be meeting all of his family and spending a lot of time with them. We don't fight and never get sick of spending time with each other. The problem is that about 1 1/2 years ago I realized that somewhere down the road I had completely fallen for him. Like I could spend the rest of my life with this guy. I brought up the idea of a relationship with him and he was very upfront that he doesn't want one, with anyone. He isn't ready mentally or emotionally. He adores me and loves me to death but doesn't want that. I know there isn't an issue about him seeing other women or waiting for something better to come along. He tells me that I am what he would want if he was ready. So I posed the question if the perfect girl was in front of your face would you still let her go because you're not ready. He said yes. He says that he was traumatized by his last relationship and will never do anything like that again. I understand that it takes time to heal, I used to be in the same boat. I also understand that he has a child with her and still has to see her 3 times a week and deal with her verbal abusiveness. I dropped the subject and let time pass thinking maybe one day he would be ready. Well for the last year and half it has made me miserable caring for this guy so much and knowing he doesn't want what I want. I've tried before to end the friendship because I don't want to be unhappy. He wouldn't let me. He says his life is empty without me. I brought up the relationship thing again yesterday and he said being in a relationship with him entails me being a mother to his child. I said okay, but would he still have a relationship with me and he said probably not. I then mentioned that why would he if he didn't have feelings. He said it's not that, but he didn't want to "get into it." I asked him to please explain and he said no... and then says just think that I don't have feelings for you and don't want a relationship with you. Then later he goes into the not being ready thing. My whole stance is if you have feelings for someone you want to be with them regardless. I guess he obviously doesn't. I don't want to lose our friendship. I know he cares about me, he goes out of his way to be there and takes an active role in my family/friend life. He says all the time that this feels like a relationship but he won't take the next step. I don't know what to do. I think even just being platonic friends I am still going to feel the way I do. I love him. Is it really possible to be in a committed physical relationship with your best friend and not feel one thing towards them romantically? Should I just walk away and call it a day?

[stace79]

Yes...this guy is having his cake and eating it, too. And maybe he is a good guy, taking care of his baby and also being a good friend to you. But ulitmately what it comes down to -- and I can say this because I've been in a similar situation -- is that you are telling him something is making you unhappy and he is refusing to change anything. Your best bet is to walk away. Let him see how it feels without you for weeks or maybe a few months. He will either change his mind or he won't. Don't hold your breath though.

 

Further, if you do take time away and he persists in trying to contact you, don't give in right away. Make him work to earn you back in his life.

 

Sometimes two people, no matter how much they care for each other or how good of friends you are, your needs just don't match up together. And that is insurmountable, unfortunately.

[Lauriebell82]

yes walk away. this guy isnt even a good friend, because he is totally manipulating the situation. he's got all the perks of a relationship, and none of the committment. he's holding u back from finding someone who will love u and want to be in a relationship with u, which is totally selfish on his part. and the crap about his child sounds like an excuse. it wouldnt matter what was in his life, or what happened with his ex, if he loved u he would still want to be with u no matter what. i was badly hurt in a relationship, as was my bf, but we still got together and are now involved in a serious relationship despite past hurt.

 

this guy has so many excuses, thats mostly what they are. EXCUSES. lose him and find some guy who is worthy of u. he isnt even a good friend if he is making u feel this way. i know its going to hurt to walk away, but honestly it will be the best thing u ever did for urself.

[Walk]

Make him work to earn you back in his life.

I really dislike this kind of mentality. Why are her feelings so much more important than his? Why would he "owe" her anything? She knew from day one what the relationship was going to be... physical friendship. She wants to renegotiate the bargain now... Why the heck should he have to "earn" her? If HER feelings changed, then she needs to find a way to renegotiate with him. But telling her she has to make him work to earn her back.... Makes no sense to me. Are women made of gold now? Did I miss the memo? Were we somehow chemically injected with rare medals that make us priceless?

 

 

Fallendisguise

 

It sounds to me like the guy is scared. Sounds like his actions are saying he wants what you do, but he has a constant reminder of how horrible a relationship can be by dealing with his ex 3 times a week. You want a verbal agreement of commitment. He's giving you the ACTIONS of agreement, but refuses to give the verbal.

 

To me, this sounds like a mental block to him. That he has an irrational belief that if he never admits what you have is a relationship, then it can never go bad. Some people have a fear that by granting the other a "title" (gf, wife, whatever) that the person will suddenly change... that they've been hiding all the bad, and it'll all spring out as soon as those commitment is given.

 

If this is the case, and I think it is.. then you'll have to bring that to light. Get him to look at his fear, and how they affect his life. Usually, that starts by asking some questions first... like how would the relationship change if it did become a real relationship? Does he think you will change? Put some thought into the questions.. you know him, what do you think is stopping him? Take YOU out of the equation, what emotion is controlling his thoughts when it comes to relationships? Is it fear of being hurt? Fear of being controlled? Fear of losing his identity?

 

What's stopping him probably isn't you... if it was, then you two wouldn't still be acting like a couple. So it's something in him. Something he might not be seeing rationally.

 

Anyway.. I think if you ask a few questions.... I'd explain that he's already acting as though we were in a committed relationship. That I needed to know we were a couple because I needed the security of knowing he was taking his involvement in this relationship seriously and not just as a "good for now".

 

Then I'd explain that I'd demonstrated over the course of three years who I was and that I hadn't hidden "the bad side". That he'd already seen the worst aspects, and he had still choosen to stick around.

 

Explain that he has free choice in what he wants in life. And it's his choice on whether to be in a commited relationship or not. But that you don't want to be just the "friend he has sex with" for the rest of your life.

 

You have to stand up for what you believe in. If you honestly don't want to be just a FWB for the next decade, then explain that to him. You're not giving an ultimatum... he has free choice in the matter. But you're not comprimising WHO YOU ARE because you fear losing him. Neither of you will be happy if you do that. You'll always want more and you'll start to resent him for it... and he'll know he's not giving you what you want and feel mediocre in your eyes. He'll start to resent you for making him feel that way... until both of you finally break apart....

 

Do this for the both of you. Set the chips on the table. Ask questions, let him ask questions. Discuss it. Explain yourself and try to help him figure out his feelings as best you can.... then do what you have to. If he can't give you what you need, then let him go. Nothing stays the same forever. And relationships either grow, or they decline... But both of you can't stay stagnant long term. Knowing this... why not fight for what will make both of you happy. If he really honestly doesn't want you long term in his life... then let him go. If what he really wants is what you want, then fight your hardest for it. And to me, it sounds like he does want what you want. Maybe not the terminology, but the concept. He wants the two of you together. To share each others lives. To have fun together for a really long time, and to make each other happy.

 

Figure out what will make both of you happy, and then make it happen. Stop waiting for time to change things... we aren't given all that much time to live anyway.

 

p.s. I think you're going to have to leave in order for him to confront his fears. He's comfortable with how things are. His motivation to change will have to be bigger than the fear that stops him. He doesn't believe you'll leave over this. You may need to back up your words with actions.

[fallendisguise]

Thank you all for the advice. I really do appreciate it. I know that I'm stuck in one of those "mind vs. heart" routines.

 

Stace79 & Lauriebell82 - I understand where you're coming from. I always felt that if he really cared about me as friend he wouldn't let me feel that way. He wouldn't be ok with it. But at the same time, I felt bad for walking away because of that because he can't force himself to be ready and I felt that if I did walk away, he would think I was punishing him in some way. But, I do think it would take me leaving to help him to realize what I mean to him if I did mean anything to him.

 

Walk - Thank you for what you posted. I never thought of it that way. And it makes absolute sense.

 

However, I think that I agree with all of you in the sense that I need to walk away. We talked earlier today and somehow the conversation turned towards the way I feel about things. I laid everything out on the table and said this is the way I feel, what do you think we should do about this? He was very upfront and told me that if I listen to my emotions I am not going to do what is right for me. But, if I list to my mind then I will make the right decision. He said that nothing is going to change and that it's not good for me that I have an emotional attachment to him and feel miserable because it is not returned and that it is starting to effect me as a person. He said that he doesn't want to lose me, but that if I really truly feel the way I do and am unhappy over it then I need to let go of him and move on. So I guess that's my answer and it came right from his lips himself... lol. I hate to let go of someone who, other than the wanting a relationship, has been one of the best friendships I've ever had. But, I am not a sad or depressed person by nature and if I continue to do this, I am going to be. So thank you so much for the advice... I needed to hear it.

[norajane]

He is attached to you as well - that's why he said his life is empty without you.

 

However, his attachment isn't enough to make him deal with his issues. Nor is it enough for him to believe that he is ready for a relationship. So whatever the attachment is, it isn't enough for YOU.

 

While you stay with him in this relationship, you are preventing yourself from developing any other relationship with a man who can give you ALL of himself. This man cannot, and he has been clear about that.

 

It will be one of the most difficult things you ever have to do, but leaving him is truly in your best interests - and his. He needs to face up to his fears and how he is damaging his own life and happiness. He won't do that while you are with him because he doesn't have to.

 

Good luck to you, and post often if you need support. There are plenty who will listen and try to help.

[fallendisguise]

Thank you.

[D-Lish]

What's really silly about this is that his actions and his words don't mix.

The bottom line is that the two of you DO have a connection, you ARE having a relationship. Maybe you aren't attaching titles to what is happening... but come on, you talk every day, you are having a sexual relationship, you hang out together.... and have been doing so for a year and a half???

 

And you try and walk and he tells you he'd be empty without you?

 

I hate to say it, but if it's making you miserable- then you need to pull away. And you cannot have a friendship with someone you are in love with... It hurts too much.

 

I suspect that if you walked away and stuck to NC for a while, that he would be forced to make a decision. The other posters are right- he is having his cake and eating it too at the moment...and you are enabling this if you continue to be in a sexual relationship with him.

 

What he is doing is pretty unfair to you.

I'm sure you recognize this. The only way to feel better is to walk- find someone who WANTS to be with you fully... not just on his terms.

 

D

[Walk]

He said that nothing is going to change and that it's not good for me that I have an emotional attachment to him and feel miserable because it is not returned and that it is starting to effect me as a person. He said that he doesn't want to lose me, but that if I really truly feel the way I do and am unhappy over it then I need to let go of him and move on. So I guess that's my answer and it came right from his lips himself...

 

Just wanted to say that I'm really impressed with the way you handled the situation, and with how you're dealing with it now. You've got a good head on your shoulders.

 

For the record, your guy would confuse and frustrate me beyond sanity.

 

It seems to me that you used the relationship to heal and grow... while he was using it to hide in.

 

I'm really having a hard time believing your guy though. Men don't invest that much effort and time into "friendship". Not in my experience they don't. Not 3 years of effort. I could see months.. maybe a year. But 3? I really empathize with you right now.. that's a hard situation to be in.

 

My suggestion... End the friendship with him on a good note and leave. And do so with the intention of moving on completely. Throw yourself into hobbies, activities, family, etc... I'd let him know that when or if he realizes you're who he wants in his life, to call you. Then live your life with the belief that he won't call. If he does, great. Talk to him. If he doesn't... then try to remember the times you shared with him in a good light, without animosity or resentment.

 

And you can use what you learned toward future relationships. Now you'll have a better idea of what you're looking for in a partner and relationship. Some of the characteristics that you need in another person in order to be happy with them.

[Lauriebell82]

i agree with walk..u sound like ur going to be ok. the best thing u can do for urself is to find someone who knows what they want. since he actually told u to walk away, maybe he does realize how much this is hurting u. i wouldnt try to be friends with him, even platonic friends, like walk said just end the friendship and leave it at that. move on with ur life, and find someone who is worthy or loving u and being with u.

[fallendisguise]

For the record, your guy would confuse and frustrate me beyond sanity.

 

It seems to me that you used the relationship to heal and grow... while he was using it to hide in.

 

 

Lol, trust me there have been moments where I was certain that I was losing my sanity. It has been extremely frustrating. I think there have been a few times where I really wished I could throw a temper tantrum like a 3 year old.

 

I do think that I used this to heal and grow. For me, to walk away hurts like hell and by far is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I pray that I don't ever have to feel this way again. I'd always been with crap guys before who cheated or were abusive and I walked away. But, I think this is so much harder because he doesn't treat me badly, we're just not on the same page. And when I look at the time that I sometimes feel I wasted, I do have a lot of good memories and I can also be thankful that having him as a friend and having this situation has definitely helped me to grow and heal and to realize what I want when I am able to get through this and am able to see other people one day. I've come a long way since having met him.

 

I am really thankful for all the advice. It's hard to see through the blinders sometimes. So it definitely has helped to see other perspectives... especially when they are all telling me to do the same thing and it makes perfect sense. I should have done this a long time ago. Maybe I could have saved some months of heartache. I will have to try really hard to not expect that he will ever change his mind, even though that is some of the motivation behind leaving him (besides not wanting to be unhappy), but maybe after I can get used to not having him here, I will get over that part too. Anyway, take care and thanks again!

[Walk]

Lol, trust me there have been moments where I was certain that I was losing my sanity. It has been extremely frustrating. I think there have been a few times where I really wished I could throw a temper tantrum like a 3 year old.

haha. I would've!

I do think that I used this to heal and grow. For me, to walk away hurts like hell and by far is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I pray that I don't ever have to feel this way again.

 

I will have to try really hard to not expect that he will ever change his mind, even though that is some of the motivation behind leaving him (besides not wanting to be unhappy)...

 

This might be a bad idea on my part... but if I were in your shoes, I'd spell it all out to this guy. The fact that you've been "in a relationship" for 3 years. That labeling it "friendship" doesn't change what it was. That he's dense if he can't see how much he loves you. That he's going to lose something he values because he's scared. He'd rather watch you walk away then confront his fears, all because hes chicken.

 

I'd call him on it. Attack his manhood a little (just a little) at the same time. just enough to break through that shell he's got going on. Enough to dig under his skin and force him to assess whether he is being chicken or not. You'd have to be tactful about it, not mean or condencending.

 

I may be wrong... but I feel we all have some responsibility to let those we care about know when they have their heads stuck up their asses. Or rather, I believe the truth is incredibly important, and if used correctly, it can help those we love to grow, heal and become better people. But only if used in a caring way, not a hurtful way.

 

I think he needs to hear it from you. If for no other reason then to potentially help him find happiness in the future. With or without you.

 

You know how he feels about you, you know how he feels about being with you. Actions tell the truth... words can be twisted... but actions are the dead give away.

[fallendisguise]

I'd call him on it. Attack his manhood a little (just a little) at the same time. just enough to break through that shell he's got going on. Enough to dig under his skin and force him to assess whether he is being chicken or not. You'd have to be tactful about it, not mean or condencending.

 

I may be wrong... but I feel we all have some responsibility to let those we care about know when they have their heads stuck up their asses. Or rather, I believe the truth is incredibly important, and if used correctly, it can help those we love to grow, heal and become better people. But only if used in a caring way, not a hurtful way.

 

I think he needs to hear it from you. If for no other reason then to potentially help him find happiness in the future. With or without you.

 

Actually, I agree with you a 100%. I know if he were to meet someone and have a relationship, it would hurt me. But, at the same time, I would be happy for him. Like "Yes! He's finally overcome that hurtle!" He is a great guy and he has a lot to give someone else. And regardless of how this works out, I don't want him to not ever be in a loving, fully committed relationship. He deserves that. I've gone as far as to tell him that.

 

I've tried throughout our "friendship" to help him see that and not necessarily with me, but with someone who may be good for him who comes along one day. A couple of days before we had the whole conversation that started this post, he was talking about his ex and the way she still treats him and how he doesn't feed into it because all he cares about at this point is what is best for their son (which I think he has only discussed with me on 3 different occassions) and how she can never say that he treated her badly or disrespected her in anyway and how she is still the same way (psychotic). And I pointed out to him that he still lets her control him when it comes to his views on what a relationship is. Because that's what he did in their relationship. She would go crazy over something I guess because she had a chemical imbalance and couldn't control herself. And he would "fix" it. Not argue back, not yell, just say ok, sorry you feel this way, I'm going to fix it. I've been saying it all along, but this time, it hit home. He said if finally sunk in and that I'm right. So who knows, maybe that will be what gets the ball rolling to help him overcome that.

 

But, you're definitely right. Maybe when I'm not so emotional over this whole thing and we happen to talk, I can do that and if anything, it will hopefully open his eyes just a little bit wider.