yoflaco Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 Wow, I have quite an issue. I have been with my wife for over two years, married for almost eight months. Our relationship was always spectacular. However, after I proposed, our sex life has been little to non-existent in my opinion. While we were engaged, I figured it was due to all of the stress that planning a wedding brings, but even after the wedding nothing has changed and it has actually gotten much worse. Being denied every time I ask or try to initiate sex really makes me feel unloved. A little more detail. It has been over six weeks since the last time we had sex. Since we got married, we only have sex once a moth or once every couple months. We made love the night of our wedding. However, we took a week long honeymoon and not once would she make love with me. I took her to a place she always wanted to go. I thought it would be romantic, but she didn't want anything to do with me sexually. I trully feel that I give, and give on my end. I tell her every day how much I love her, I come home from work and cook dinners most nights, help with the house work and so forth. It just feels like there is no effort on her part. I know that sex is not the reason that you get married, and it's not the reason that I married my wife. It is a great peice of a relationship though. Something that brings you closer to one another. I have a hard time buying into the ideas that: "I'm just not in the mood", "there's nothing wrong with you, it's me, and I just need to figure out what it is", "I'm tired" and so forth every time that sex is brought up. I have a good job and work hard. I'm tired too, but I would find the time to make love to her if she was interested or if I was. I don't have to have sex everyday, but once a week or once every couple of weeks would be nice. I love my wife to death, but she is making this so hard. Is this normal for a new marriage to have a very poor sex life? If so I guess I should just quit thinking about it, but I don't think it is normal. We argue a lot now and I hate it, but it's hard to keep giving when nothing is returned. There is no affection at all. She won't kiss me, shys away from any touch and so forth. And one thing that really drives me nuts, and is why I actually got here, was that she doesn't wear her rings. Tonight she went out with some friends and there are her rings sitting on the bedstand. What is up with that? Anyway, sorry for the long rant, but if anyone else has experienced this please chime in. If this is normal, I'll forget about it. I just wish she would show a little affection and show me that she loves me.
Topper Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 You have some real problems there. Seems she might have been more in love with getting Married and the Wedding then she is with you. a lot of woman want their Big Day, as strange as it may seem the guy is just another necessary thing needed to make a wedding a wedding. The no sex thing is a really bad sign. In the first year the two of you should be so into each other the both of you should be walking funny from all the sex. She could also have some sexual hang ups. Like now that she has got her man she doesn't have to do those nasty things anymore. If I were you I would make an appointment with a marriage counselor asap. If she does not want to go! Go on your own.
Gunny376 Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 I checked your public profile and read your thread. How are old you and how old is the DW? This is relevant. Guns
Gunny376 Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 I'm tired! Its late! You've much to learn "Grasshopper" much to learn.
Jinxx Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 This is far from normal. Get out while you are still young.
Married2IceQueen Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Wow, I have quite an issue. I have been with my wife for over two years, married for almost eight months. Our relationship was always spectacular. However, after I proposed, our sex life has been little to non-existent in my opinion. While we were engaged, I figured it was due to all of the stress that planning a wedding brings, but even after the wedding nothing has changed and it has actually gotten much worse. Being denied every time I ask or try to initiate sex really makes me feel unloved. A little more detail. It has been over six weeks since the last time we had sex. Since we got married, we only have sex once a moth or once every couple months. We made love the night of our wedding. However, we took a week long honeymoon and not once would she make love with me. I took her to a place she always wanted to go. I thought it would be romantic, but she didn't want anything to do with me sexually. I trully feel that I give, and give on my end. I tell her every day how much I love her, I come home from work and cook dinners most nights, help with the house work and so forth. It just feels like there is no effort on her part. I know that sex is not the reason that you get married, and it's not the reason that I married my wife. It is a great peice of a relationship though. Something that brings you closer to one another. I have a hard time buying into the ideas that: "I'm just not in the mood", "there's nothing wrong with you, it's me, and I just need to figure out what it is", "I'm tired" and so forth every time that sex is brought up. I have a good job and work hard. I'm tired too, but I would find the time to make love to her if she was interested or if I was. I don't have to have sex everyday, but once a week or once every couple of weeks would be nice. I love my wife to death, but she is making this so hard. Is this normal for a new marriage to have a very poor sex life? If so I guess I should just quit thinking about it, but I don't think it is normal. We argue a lot now and I hate it, but it's hard to keep giving when nothing is returned. There is no affection at all. She won't kiss me, shys away from any touch and so forth. And one thing that really drives me nuts, and is why I actually got here, was that she doesn't wear her rings. Tonight she went out with some friends and there are her rings sitting on the bedstand. What is up with that? Anyway, sorry for the long rant, but if anyone else has experienced this please chime in. If this is normal, I'll forget about it. I just wish she would show a little affection and show me that she loves me. Join the club. You situation is not all that uncommon. She is probably fatter than she was when you married her. I changed my wild ways and became more domesticated for my wife. My guess is that she is cheating on you with a chick. She is out to take you to the cleaners in a divorce. Do you have lots of life insurance? She sounds like a friggin psycho. Hide as many assets as you can. She is out to screw you over. Here is what you do. Have one of your buddies come over and beat the crap out. I mean take a good old fashioned down home butt whippin and call the cops on her and tell them she did it. Divorce her, have her butt tossed in jail and sue her. Being that you are a man someone will try to blame YOU for her dispicable and unwomanly behavior. If you don't have kids dump her. If you have kids cheat on her until you find a good mother for your kids. If it were legal to do so you should bitch slap her for your own dignity.
Gunny376 Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 This is far from normal. Get out while you are still young. Its really not Jnxx, you've an opprotutnity to learn something that has taken me twice as long to learn, myself. Know and understand yourself!
Married2IceQueen Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Its really not Jnxx, you've an opprotutnity to learn something that has taken me twice as long to learn, myself. Know and understand yourself! I'm really hoping you are not a Marine because your sissy talk is a disgrace to the corps. If you are not a real gunny I would suggest you drop the act. If you are a real gunny here is a suggestion: GROW A SACK!
Mr. Lucky Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Our relationship was always spectacular. .................................................................................................. However, we took a week long honeymoon and not once would she make love with me. I took her to a place she always wanted to go. I thought it would be romantic, but she didn't want anything to do with me sexually. You would have us believe that right up until your engagement, the sex was "spectacular", but then nothing? I'm not buying it - what's the rest of the story? Mr. Lucky
4whatItsWorth Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 "There is no affection at all. She won't kiss me, shys away from any touch and so forth. And one thing that really drives me nuts, and is why I actually got here, was that she doesn't wear her rings." The fact that she does not want to show you any physical affection is a very bad sign. But IMHO the WORST sign is going out with her friends without wearing the wedding rings. (I used to take them off when I felt suffocated by my engagement cos I felt like "OMG im gonna die" - so this is a PRETTY BAD SIGN) To be honest, what it looks like is as she feels things might have gotten too fast (despite being together for like two years before). Or, like the others said, she was in love with the idea of a wedding day - not the marriage part that came with it. When anybody says ""there's nothing wrong with you, it's me, and I just need to figure out what it is"" - it usually means "There is something wrong with you. Not me. And you need to figure out what it is" - us women will say one thing, and mean another. (Then again, men seems to do it too...) I'm gonna go with the usual conclusion when somebody does not wear their ring or avoid intimacy - they realise reality is different from their little fantasy and will try to pretend being single when going out to ease the feeling of panic. (Or at least that is what I did - the moment the ring came off, I felt relieved. (Its not like that anymore, but it used to be)) Have you asked her "Why do you not want anything to do with me when it comes to physical stuff? Why do you go out without your rings? Do you regret marrying me? Will you go to councelling with me to sort this out?" If you don't ask - you won't know. And don't believe she doesn't know herself and "will figure it out on her own" - her actions are speaking louder than words right now.
amaysngrace Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 I think she's psychologically disturbed. Either she just wanted to be married and wasn't discriminative like others have suggested, which to me would imply Narcisstic qualities, or she's having a rough time adjusting to the major life change she's just went through. You know she could be suffering from depression. The highs of planning the wedding and getting married could have made the aftermath of it all bring her down. But I'd put my money on Narcissism.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 It sounds to me like she didn't really want to be married. She pulled the bait and switch with the sex to pull you in, and when she landed you she decided she didn't really want to be married but went through with the wedding anyway thinking that her feelings would 'change'. Well, they are changing alright. Seems every day she gets just a little more distant, eh? Not wearing her rings, paired with her cold sexual rejection is a very bad thing. I would put money down that if she isn't cheating on you, she's at least thinking about it. The sad thing is, is that every day is as good as its ever going to get, and each day that passes gets a little worse. Honestly, I'd be pushing for an annulment. Go see a lawyer, and get your annulment/divorce papers drawn up. If you absolutely cannot be without her, then insist on some marital counseling. If she refuses to go, then go ahead and sign those papers, and have her sign then and free yourself up from this misery. There is no reason to live out the rest of your life this way, when there are other women out there who can and will show you what a happy marriage can truly be like.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Here is what you do. Have one of your buddies come over and beat the crap out. I mean take a good old fashioned down home butt whippin and call the cops on her and tell them she did it. Divorce her, have her butt tossed in jail and sue her. Yeah, I can see where taking a "good old-fashioned down-home butt whippin'" ostensibly delivered by an itty, bitty woman... wouldn't make him look too much like a "sissy" in front of the cops and townfolk. :lmao: You know M2IQ, I realize you didn't specifically ask for any help, but in light of your concern over the state of other men's balls and IF anybody else is taking a turn with the "transgendered" (as featured in an earlier post)... I think your problem could be easily solved... Homophobes are basically just scared they might like it. Why not go ahead, drop the old 'ball and chain', and get you some of that good MAN LOVE. Face your fear, fella. Anyway, to the OP.... 'no', I wouldn't say your situation is normal. Sexual activity is generally frequent for most young married couples. Over the course of time, there are ebbs and tides... but it's really too early for that to be an issue. I think you're probably looking at some sexual incompatibility here, and that's unfortunate. Your best bet is to give some consideration to Mr. Lucky's question... 'Is there something that YOU are doing which is interfering with emotional intimacy within the marriage?' If so, try some counseling and see if you two can get the underlying issues resolved. If you can reach common ground on sexual intimacy early in the marriage, you're ahead of the game. But if there are no underlying emotional issues, you might do well to go ahead and give some thought to annulment/divorce, as Lucrezia has suggested. Sexual incompatibility usually gets worse rather than better as time progresses.
Author yoflaco Posted March 28, 2007 Author Posted March 28, 2007 Well things still aren't going so great. She thought that we should go and see a counselor. We both went seperately. He recommended a couple of books to her, so we ordered them and have been reading. I don't know if they will help. Last night we had another big arguement. I asked her if she loved me, after being rejected once again, and she got upset but said yes. I have asked her about her rings, and she has always told me that it is hard for her to wear with her job and she doesn't want to loose it. Or, she just forgets to put them on. Whatever. Last night I asked her if she wasn't getting enough affection or what the problem is. Her only answer is I don't know. That drives me nuts because I personally don't feel that is an honest answer. She also says that she just needs time. I can try and give that, but the more and the longer a guy gets put off, the harder it gets, and the more irritated I get. She has to understand that. I guess that we need to go and see the counselor again (together this time), because divorce is against my beleifs.
Sevenmack Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Generally I would argue that you should figure out the problems in the marriage, see how you can improve things on your end and push her into joining in and helping. But to be honest, after reading your posts, I just think she wanted the ideal of marriage and not the reality. She's taking off her ring not because of her job -- I don't know even unhappily married women who take theirs off -- it's because she's fooling around on you. The same reason why you're not getting anymore sex. It's time to call a lawyer, get an annulment and kick her out the house. She's not worth your time.
polywog Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Well things still aren't going so great. She thought that we should go and see a counselor. We both went seperately. He recommended a couple of books to her, so we ordered them and have been reading. I don't know if they will help. Last night we had another big arguement. I asked her if she loved me, after being rejected once again, and she got upset but said yes. I have asked her about her rings, and she has always told me that it is hard for her to wear with her job and she doesn't want to loose it. Or, she just forgets to put them on. Whatever. Last night I asked her if she wasn't getting enough affection or what the problem is. Her only answer is I don't know. That drives me nuts because I personally don't feel that is an honest answer. She also says that she just needs time. I can try and give that, but the more and the longer a guy gets put off, the harder it gets, and the more irritated I get. She has to understand that. I guess that we need to go and see the counselor again (together this time), because divorce is against my beleifs. It sounds as if there might be some hope since she is willing to go to couseling with you. Maybe she got socked by an overwhelming fear of intimacy after realizing at a gut level that she is committed to you. There could be all sorts of underlying reasons for this, and I'd give her the benefit of the doubt as long as she is willing to work on it. IMHO marriage is like a third entity in a relationship once two people enter into it. Something about this could be freaking her out on levels she didn't anticipate. I had the thought that maybe she was a vicitm of childhood sexual abuse, and possibly marriage is bringing this up to the surface. I hope for the best for you!
serial muse Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 You know M2IQ, I realize you didn't specifically ask for any help, but in light of your concern over the state of other men's balls and IF anybody else is taking a turn with the "transgendered" (as featured in an earlier post)... I think your problem could be easily solved... Homophobes are basically just scared they might like it. Why not go ahead, drop the old 'ball and chain', and get you some of that good MAN LOVE. Face your fear, fella. :lmao: I thought this was strange too...M2IQ, Gunny's a tough hombre and speaks his mind. He's got a sack. Dunno what you're talking about. To the OP - the situation with the rings is highly suspicious to me, on top of her lack of affection toward you. I think the affair alarm bells are clanging here; I know you said you don't believe in divorce, but it does seem like she doesn't really want to be married, and it's far better to get out now while there aren't any kids. At any rate, if divorce just isn't an option, I'd get into marriage counseling right away. There isn't any reason why you should give her indefinite amounts of time to sort herself out when she isn't giving you any answers. You deserve just as much appreciation and consideration, and you aren't getting it. And individual counseling, while potentially helpful, isn't really targeted directly at learning to communicate with each other, and isn't likely to help you understand what's going on with her.
whichwayisup Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Do you know about her sexual past? I mean, was she sexually abused or anything and she just hasn't told you about it, maybe out of fear that you'll leave her? I don't know if she is cheating or not or if it's something else...Either way whatever it is, IS going to continue to affect your marriage and as LJ says, will only get worse as time goes on. I hope you two can sort this out or end the marriage so you both can move on.
jmargel Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 I think I might be of some assistance here. I will be married 3 years in august. My wife was doing the same exact thing to me. It was like she was ready for the wedding but not the marriage. About 2 months after our wedding things were getting sour. She was just becoming very distant, verbally abusive, not showing any affection, sex was basically out of the question. Then I found out she went behind my back to see an ex. The next whole year was a pure hell. I went through all the emotions, plus we did go through counseling before and after the wedding. Though I verbally told her what I needed and how upset I was on what she was doing, I still tolerated it. It was because I wanted it to work out so badly. It was like she was a totally different person than the one I fell in love with. Her family (her dad side, they are divoriced) also was instrumental in trying to break up our marriage since he was good friend with her ex. The guy is psycho to say the least. In any event it wasn't until after a few months being tired of playing detective and catching her in numerous lies that I had enough. Things did not change until I told her I wanted her out of the house, that I wanted a divorce. It shocked her since she thought I was the 'needy' one and threatened quite a bit to leave. When I said it to her, she was like a deer in headlights. She didn't expect this coming, for once didn't really have any sort of comeback. She just stood there and said 'she wasn't leaving'. I then told her, she was. That I had enough and it was time to go. Only then did I realize how much power I really had in this relationship and by me not using it I was slowly losing it. I then made ultamatiums with her that if she ever crossed again it would be immediate grounds for divorce and for her to get to really think on what she did that past year. She came to the conclusion that she was not putting 100% into this marriage and my talks with a psychologist just re-enforced me into what I was thinking was right. She had a very bad childhood, and she really never 'matured'. As both people should be an adult in a marriage, I was the parent and she was the child. Marriages don't last like that. I stopped telling her 'I love you', I stopped with the hugs, kisses, etc.. If she wanted to be with me, she would have to start showing in numerous ways. Since then, things are better but not as good as I would like them. No contact with the ex, the contact w/ her dad has been sparse (her choosing), her verbal abuse has been cut down alot and I do see signs of her maturing in alot of ways. Counseling is a great thing, and you need to stay with it over the months. She'll put you on a roller coaster ride like my wife did. One day she loves you, the next she doesn't know what she wants. Though it hurts to hear those things she (IMO) is probably saying them because of her immaturity not because she doesn't love you. This is probably one of the first mature things that she has probably done in her life and it's really hitting her hard. Thing is, tell her what your deal-breakers are in terms of the marriage, be upfront and even state the obvious. Let her come to you, the more you try to chase after her the more this scared cat will faster run away. Also remember not to let this affect your own self-worth. She would have done this to any guy she would have married. Stay strong, firm and do not disrespect yourself by tolerating any of her immature behavior. This sucks, since I know what you are going through. The first year of your marriage should be bliss, not dealing with a teenager. Try not to let it taint everything around you.
Gunny376 Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 I'm really hoping you are not a Marine because your sissy talk is a disgrace to the corps. If you are not a real gunny I would suggest you drop the act. If you are a real gunny here is a suggestion: GROW A SACK! PAL, you couldn't even pick up let alone carry my sack!
Topper Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Just because a guy has been in the Marines does not mean he is some modern day Neanderthal. Way back when i wasa young drafted sorry ass grunt many Ode the noncomms were from from the marine s they would enlist in the Arny because they could gain rank faster in the Army then they could in the Marines. Most would after a few years then take that rank and reenlist in the Marines. Some were just pains in the azz other were very thoughtful and well read men that I had a lot of respect for. My unit was about 80% draftees. An Officer or a noncoms had to earn our respect. Those that did we would as they say follow into hell. Gunny seems like the kind of guy who would earned the respect of those he served with. Married2icequeen, I bet you love to play war games on your comuter and watched ever Rambo movie ever made. Yeap a real hero in your own mind.
VinaAmez Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 No that isn't normal. Have you tried talking to her about this? Sounds like there's more to it then not be sexually compatable. She's not even pulling her end like you've stated.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 She's not even pulling her end like you've stated. Or pulling his end either Mr. Lucky
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