jaycie724 Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Hey All, As you know from my previous couple of posts I've gone through a recent break up - 2 weeks ago my fiancee, a man I've been with for 6.5 years broke up with me. Last weekend I found out that he's been sleeping with a girl from his work for over 2 months. Hes been out of town and is getting back today and is dropping his dog off with me and then heading out to spend the night with the other girl in a hotel room and I'm dreading the thought of him being gone at night. I mean I know I need him gone, I know I need to heal, but the nights are killing me (he hasn't slept here since last Monday night). I can't function, I can't sleep. I just lay around and sob and cry. I make myself sick. Then I calm myself down only to start up again. I've lost 13lbs in the past week because the only "food" I've eaten is slim fast. I usually choke down one each day. I'm so weak and tired. And I can't seem to shrug this off. I can't get through the night without talking to him before I go to sleep and I even sleep on his pillow because it smells like him. I know that I need to stop that but I just can't seem to make myself. I've had a hard life, but I've never been through anything that has crippled me like this. I just don't know what to do. I know that all of my posts sounds like the same thing over and over and over again. I just feel so hopeless and lifeless and I wonder when this will ever begin to fade and when I can ever face any kind of normal life again. I have such big things coming up in my future that I cannot afford to let this get me down for much longer but I just don't know how to get past it. I have this great plan - the gym, church, counseling, volunteer work, etc, but when it comes down to it, I'm so tired and weak that I can't make myself get off the couch and go do any of these things. It's all I can take to get myself to work and once I'm there, I'm basically useless. Please, anyone, how do you sleep? How do you quench any of the pain of those lonely lonely nights?
sb129 Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Aw jaycie, I am sorry to hear about this. I know how you feel, its really horrible. i can honestly say it WILL get better, but it will take time sweetie. Time is the best healer. But in the meantime you need to look after yourself. Do you have friends and family to help support you? Do you have somewhere you can go if you need company? When I was depressed, my doctor prescribed exercise as well as all the other stuff that goes with depression. Get outside, go walking, or get to the gym and punch the sh*t out of a punchbag. It really will help- the endorphins are chemicals your body produces when you exercise, and they are natural anti-depressants. Also exercise will help you get tired so you can sleep better, esp if you do it in the morning. And this brings me to your diet. Babe you have to eat properly- you aren't getting enough nutrients from slimfast and this will not help your mental state, or help you sleep. also if you are going to exercise you need fuel. Good foods that help our brains make serotonin (which helps regulate sleep AND moods) are bananas, potatoes, avocadoes, tomatoes, turkey, cottage cheese, brown rice. Try valerian root supplements and chamomile tea at night to help you sleep. i know this sounds like a lecture, but I KNOW the pain you are feeling, and there is no magic fix. But you can help it along by taking care of yourself. I hope you are Ok sweetie, sending you a hug,.
norajane Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Why is he dropping off his dog, why are you seeing him, and why was he spending the night at your place last Monday when you now know he was cheating on you for two months before breaking up with you, his fiancee? I know you want the contact, but it's hurting you even more each time you talk to him or see him. You wouldn't have to think of him in a hotel with her if you didn't know that's what he was doing. BREAK ALL CONTACT. That's the first step - you have to get him out of your life completely. Box up all his stuff and put it away so you don't have to look at it. Lean heavily on your friends for support and company these first few weeks. This was a 6 year relationship and he cheated - they will understand and will want to help you. Lean on your family. Don't try to do this alone. If you can take a week off work, do it, and GO ON VACATION somewhere. Get away from your house, your city, and everything that reminds you of him. A little sunshine on the beach might do you some good. Please, try to eat, and take your vitamins. You don't need to get sick on top of all this. Try to get out each day for a walk even if you can't make it to the gym. Do not sit at home all the time. Even if you can't stand the thought of going out, call one of your friends and go out for some coffee or something. And when you start feeling sad, keep reminding yourself HE CHEATED ON YOU. HE DID THIS TO YOU. HE IS THE LOSER. Do not think about your good times in the past. HE CHEATED ON YOU. HE DID THIS TO YOU. HE IS THE LOSER. You will get better, I promise. Post as much you want to.
sb129 Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Good post NJ- listen to her jaycie she is a wise lady. I forgot to mention no contact- thanks NJ. I am backing this one up- no contact is ESSENTIAL for you to start to heal. you won't be able to if you keep seeing the loser regularly. the vacation idea is a good one too- work should understand.
AriaIncognito Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 I was about to ask the same question regarding the dog. Knowing what he's done to you, why are you doing him any favors by watching his freaking dog? He doesn't deserve you, or anything you'll give him. It really sucks. It hurts. I know, I've been there, am currently there, etc. All I can tell you is, each time i've had a let down such as this, I've eventually moved on and to my next let down lol. Gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince...so, the quicker you move on with your life, the more frogs you'll meet. :-) Chin up. And please, start eating. It's not healthy for you, and he's not worth it.
Ssheena Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 I had to go on anti-depressants and have anxiety pills. I would be at work and just be thinking only 8 hours more to get through the day, only 7, only 6 etc. I'm so sorry for you. If you were your daughter, what would you do to make her feel better? I want you to do that for yourself if you have no one else who will. If you were my daughter and you were in such shock, I would feed you and let you cry and listen to you and get you help (if you need it). Time is the only thing that is going to change how you feel now. Posting here. Reaching out to others. One day at a time honey. It will get better, I can promise you that. hugs
polywog Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Millions of hugs to you (((jaycie))), I'm where you are now, too. Please take care of yourself and give yourself permission to grieve. Yes, nights suck. For me mornings are the worst, I wake up in absolute fear and sadness. I seek out my pals, stay busy, and hang out on LS posting away... sad threads, silly threads. The wonderful LS vortex. Silly threads heal because they make me laugh so hard. If you're having trouble sleeping think about asking your doctor for a prescription to help you through these hard times. Lack of sleep is not good. love to you , polywog
Cossette4 Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 I don't really have any advice to add to the excellent advice above, but I just wanted to say you are in my prayers.
norajane Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 I was about to ask the same question regarding the dog. Knowing what he's done to you, why are you doing him any favors by watching his freaking dog? He doesn't deserve you, or anything you'll give him. Absolutely! Go out tonight and don't be there when he comes to drop the dog off. Let him figure out his own dog-sitting issues. Maybe that'll screw up his little hotel tryst, too!
Author jaycie724 Posted March 25, 2007 Author Posted March 25, 2007 Thanks everyone for your kind words. I feel like every time I post I say the same thing. I'm just having SUCH a hard time coping with this. Especially since this was my first and only big long-term relationship. To answer some of the questions above...he still lives with me. There are financial issues and a whole lot of other crap in this relationship and I want him out, but his name is on our lease too and I don't know what my options are legally to get him out. I need the locks changed, etc too. It's hard to put his things in a box and out of the way because every single thing in this apartment reflect some memory of where we were and what we were doing when we bought them. Even the couch has memories for me. My long-term plan is to slowly (as I can afford it) get rid of all of those things. He dropped his dog off because, honestly, that dog has been like a child to me, especially over the past 3 years when Doug and I were living together...his dog and my dog are best friends. His dog is also older and needs special care (that doug just cant give him, i wish there was some way for me to keep the dog) and at least i know that if he's at home with me that he'll get love and care and attention which is not what he would get at the hotel with Doug and his whore. He'd be locked in the bathroom most of the night, probably. Also, I just found out not even a week ago that he's been having an affair for over 2 months. I had an idea, but I didn't know for sure until this week. I found a love note from her in his nightstand. That whole gory story is in my last post "6.5 years thrown away". He's STILL not admitting that he's sleeping with her or moving in with her. That's even worse. After all that time, he doesnt even have enough respect for me to tell me the truth. I have great friends, unfortunately they all live far away - at least those friends that come over and pick you up off the floor at 3am. They're spread out across the country and have been calling and emailing and writing and IMing as much as they can, but its just not the same. My parents are also out of state. I moved here with Doug for school thinking that he was all the family that I needed. Boy was I wrong. I'm doing my best to take care of myself, but its so hard when I'm so weak and shaky. Its even harder because I barely have the will to shower and once I do, I'm exhausted. I want to pick myself up and function better, I just can't do it. I'm just so frustrated with myself for letting him get to me so much in the first place. The thought of going "no contact" with him halfway kills me. I don't know if I can do that. Though I know in my head that I should. I'd like to get him out of my apartment soon, but legally, I just don't know what my options are (long story but my credit is on the line if I leave and hes on the lease so I dont know that I can legally get him out). I'm sorry, I'm talking in circles right now. One other part of this that REALLY gets me is that before 2 weeks ago, I loved my own company. I'd be fine playing on the computer (my degree is in web/graphic design and communication), reading, watching movies, playing with the dogs, etc. But now, everytime I'm alone I'm scared, anxious, nervous, worried, and so so so SO lonely. In my head, I know that you all are right. You're saying the same things as my mom and my friends. Even my ex's mom (who has been one of my good friends over the past 6 years...I feel like im losing a whole family in addition to him). In my head I know that my plan is a good one, I know that getting involved with my church and volunteer work is a great way to meet people, I know that counseling will help me, I know that getting out there is the best way to heal. BUT the thought of doing all of those things terrifies me beyond belief. I know all these things in my head, it's just a different story getting my heart and sprit to listen. How can he replace me so fast? How can I keep going on at night laying there crying because I miss him so much?
Jinxx Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 How can he replace me so fast? How can I keep going on at night laying there crying because I miss him so much? He probably had this well thought out so really not so fast from his point of view. But who really knows. I am truly sorry you are going through this. I do understand -- have been there. If you are having sleep issues get yourself to a doctor and get a prescription for Ambien. It works.
Guest Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 YOU MAY BE IN A DEPRESSION, YOU need to get to the doctor, i have been going through similer situation. We work together, and he is flirting up a storm. Doctor perscribed Zoloft, 25 mg, or 50 takes a big edge off, where you can get out of bed and funtion again. I know this sucks, but you have to take " one day at a time"
frd150 Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 Hey Jaycie, though my situation is different the pain i feel is the same. What i have done is re-connect with family that i had not kept in contact with . Despite how i have treated them in the past they have now become my pillar of support. They patiently listen to my rants on how i want her back over and over again. It really helps. My ex and i are on L/C right now but i know that without my family and a few good friends she would be the one to hear how miserable i am. I have to be strong with her if i want a chance to salvage our relationship. IMO you need to find a good outlet to vent as pointed out in previous posts. Show him that you are strong it will be liberating and it will help with the healing. I too have lost alot of weight and people are starting to worry. I force myself to eat at least one good meal a day. I also take a multivitamin along with some st.Johns wort (helps you relax). Exercise helps. When i feel my lowest i either head to the gym or i go running. PLEASE EAT! At least one good meal a day. I keep telling my self if i do not stay healthy not only will she be turned off but if it ends for sure with us no one else will want me. Show him you are better than this. It will be your best revenge.
Author jaycie724 Posted March 25, 2007 Author Posted March 25, 2007 Thanks everyone. I talked to my mom on the phone tonight and she made me eat soup while I talked to her. She said, and I quote "i want to hear you slurp" So I did get *some* food in me. Its a baby step forward, I guess. And I bought some "simply sleep" so my fngers are crossed that it works tonight. You all are the best, thank you for your continued support
lonelybird Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 In my head I know that my plan is a good one, I know that getting involved with my church and volunteer work is a great way to meet people, I know that counseling will help me, I know that getting out there is the best way to heal. BUT the thought of doing all of those things terrifies me beyond belief. I know all these things in my head, it's just a different story getting my heart and sprit to listen. How can he replace me so fast? How can I keep going on at night laying there crying because I miss him so much? jaycie724 Since you mentioned church I assume you are a believer. God is real and living, and prepare to back you up when you seek His help. Did you ask His help? Did you talk with God? I didn't mean a good name "religion", I mean "real deal", "real God" I understand to take the "first step" to get yourself out is difficult, our mind often create many negative things to prevent us from doing things that really benefit ourselves in real life. but when you take the first step (go to church, volanteer...), it really make difference. You need to make a decision and shrug off those negative and fearful thought that prevent you from doing positive things. Do you want the same thing happen to you again and again? NO, you are tired of it. But if you don't change your action and response to your situation, how can you expect different outcome? Do you see that those negative thought tried to prevent you from finding happiness? I mean real happiness. maybe it is time to revive your spiritual journey and your hope, your dream. You can chieve your dream if you want to.
MagnoliaJane Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 Jaycie, If it's hard for you to eat, then start with liquids. Chicken broth does miracles for a broken heart So does hot chocolate and nibbling on soda crackers. Try eventually to mix the broth with noodles. Make baby steps when you're exhausted. Set goals that are realistic for how you feel. If you're too weak right now to re-arrange your life, that's ok. If you're too exhausted to go to the gym, just take that 10-min walk that others on here suggested (you have to take the dog out anyway, right?). Do small things. One small thing a day. Many of us on the coping forum have been in a similar state of despair. Whenever I would hit a low I would come on here and read obsessively what others have written before me, as if the "answer" to my questions would be somewhere between the lines of all these hundreds of posts. It calmed me down because I could see that I was not alone with my despair. There IS life after Doug, Jaycie. The thing is, you have to go through all the stages of a break-up first before you will be able to see that. So hang on to the hope that you will get to a better place eventually. Something that struck me very hard in one of your posts is that you said that "Doug was all the family you needed". Wrong. I've come to learn that the hard way too. Never make somebody all your world. The number one in your world should always be you, and only you. Is there a way you could move out of the apartment and rent another apartment together with a roommate???? Perhaps it is a good idea to leave all those memories behind. Please don't forget about the chicken broth Jaycie Love, MJ
Rooster_DAR Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 Hey All, As you know from my previous couple of posts I've gone through a recent break up - 2 weeks ago my fiancee, a man I've been with for 6.5 years broke up with me. Last weekend I found out that he's been sleeping with a girl from his work for over 2 months. Hes been out of town and is getting back today and is dropping his dog off with me and then heading out to spend the night with the other girl in a hotel room and I'm dreading the thought of him being gone at night. I mean I know I need him gone, I know I need to heal, but the nights are killing me (he hasn't slept here since last Monday night). I can't function, I can't sleep. I just lay around and sob and cry. I make myself sick. Then I calm myself down only to start up again. I've lost 13lbs in the past week because the only "food" I've eaten is slim fast. I usually choke down one each day. I'm so weak and tired. And I can't seem to shrug this off. I can't get through the night without talking to him before I go to sleep and I even sleep on his pillow because it smells like him. I know that I need to stop that but I just can't seem to make myself. I've had a hard life, but I've never been through anything that has crippled me like this. I just don't know what to do. I know that all of my posts sounds like the same thing over and over and over again. I just feel so hopeless and lifeless and I wonder when this will ever begin to fade and when I can ever face any kind of normal life again. I have such big things coming up in my future that I cannot afford to let this get me down for much longer but I just don't know how to get past it. I have this great plan - the gym, church, counseling, volunteer work, etc, but when it comes down to it, I'm so tired and weak that I can't make myself get off the couch and go do any of these things. It's all I can take to get myself to work and once I'm there, I'm basically useless. Please, anyone, how do you sleep? How do you quench any of the pain of those lonely lonely nights? Hello Jaycie, I just recently went through the nearly exact same thing you are going through. Me and my fiance were living together and had just bought a brand new house two years ago. She went out of state for her job and when she returned I found out she was having an affair with one of her co-workers. I was basically tossed aside and handed my hat, and now I thing this guy is already moving down here into our house. It's a terrible stab in the back, and one that is all too consuming emotionally and physically. I would like to her more of your story if you have time. I was with my fiance for five years and I truly thought she was going to be my life long partner, that is the part that hurts the most. I watched the person I love so much transform into something I had never seen before, she had become a different person overnight. Regards, hang in there.
LaughMachine Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 You never mentioned, well not that I recall from reading your post that you were on and off seeing him. He slept over at your house with you knowing he cheated on you. The man makes me angry! It's easy to see things from an objective point when your not in the actual position. Let me add that everyone is different and despite the dignity you've lost from doing that, I know you truely can't help it. Sometimes our inner bitch side needs to come out because eventually as time passes you will regret this majorly. Glad to say that this will fade. But sad to say that it won't anytime soon. you have to go through the tough path ahead and face it head on. There is nothing else you can do but go through it. But you will get through it. Pleasure is on the other side. As much as it sounds good to hear advice, sometimes there isn't anything anyone can say but I promise you Time will always be on your side. I'm sorry that the nights are the worse. The mornings were always the worse for me. You know having those dreams, than waking up to reality. Ah sorry..... :-( Optimistically though you will get through this. Leave this man alone. Get far far away as possible..
AriaIncognito Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 One other part of this that REALLY gets me is that before 2 weeks ago, I loved my own company. I'd be fine playing on the computer (my degree is in web/graphic design and communication), reading, watching movies, playing with the dogs, etc. But now, everytime I'm alone I'm scared, anxious, nervous, worried, and so so so SO lonely. Wow, I can really relate to your post above. i'm the same way. When I'm in a relationship, and I have nothing to do, I can savour the day. I feel fine about it. Now that I'm broken hearted and alone again, each day I dont have something planned, I automatically deem myself a loser and I basically wake up depressed, knowing I've got nothing to look forward to. When you start thinking youre alone in this boat, come here. You'll see the boat is quite crowded. I should probably post my current situation with my ex but I'm sure I dont want to hear the replies so I haven't thus far lol.
Author jaycie724 Posted March 26, 2007 Author Posted March 26, 2007 Hello Jaycie, I just recently went through the nearly exact same thing you are going through. Me and my fiance were living together and had just bought a brand new house two years ago. She went out of state for her job and when she returned I found out she was having an affair with one of her co-workers. I was basically tossed aside and handed my hat, and now I thing this guy is already moving down here into our house. It's a terrible stab in the back, and one that is all too consuming emotionally and physically. I would like to her more of your story if you have time. I was with my fiance for five years and I truly thought she was going to be my life long partner, that is the part that hurts the most. I watched the person I love so much transform into something I had never seen before, she had become a different person overnight. Regards, hang in there. Oh, I'd love to rant some more about my story...it helps me a *lot* to talk about it, type it out. Sometimes when I see the actual words in front of me about how he treats me, it helps me sort of "see" how terrible he really has been to me. Its easy to make excuses in your head about someone you love so much (even though they dont deserve any of that love). I'll try to find some time soon to walk through the whole thing, but in the mean time, a lot of my story is summed up in the 6.5 years thrown away thread. Thanks for your interest, it's nice to know that someone out there (well all of you on LS, really) cares. Especially since the man that I thought was my everything doesnt even care enough about me to take his tainted genitals and get them the heck out of my house. Hey, now, wait, there's some of my spunk trying to come back. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
norajane Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 jaycie, I've found that it also helps to read other people's threads and try to help them, as well. Takes the focus off your own problems, and at least gives someone else the benefit of your experience...
Author jaycie724 Posted March 26, 2007 Author Posted March 26, 2007 jaycie, I've found that it also helps to read other people's threads and try to help them, as well. Takes the focus off your own problems, and at least gives someone else the benefit of your experience... I've been trying that a little but find that I end up talking more about myself and less about the other person. I'm working on not being such a self-centered poster though. I do really appreciate your advice (and everyone else too). Thank you all, so much
sb129 Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 I've been trying that a little but find that I end up talking more about myself and less about the other person. I'm working on not being such a self-centered poster though. I do really appreciate your advice (and everyone else too). Thank you all, so much Don't worry too much about being a self centred poster! You are going thru alot of pain,its natural in the early stages. I started out on LS cos of a breakup, and when I read back over my posts I can almost see the different stages of healing in them. I was very self absorbed at the start.. its very therapeutic to be on here. With time you will be able to focus more on other problems... I also read others and thought to myself, well my life isn't as bad as that (sorry LSers!) and it helps you get perspective.
Author jaycie724 Posted March 26, 2007 Author Posted March 26, 2007 Hey again everyone... Well my weight loss is now at 14.5lbs. And I talked to his mom today, apparently the little compulsive liar told her that he stays away because he knows its hard for me when he's at home. )(&(*^%(*^&)(* LIAR! ugh! A more appropriate sentence might have been "i dont stay home at night because i prefer to sleep with my whore" *end rant* Sorry guys, I just need him and his disgraced genitals out of my home. And I can't seem to get rid of him. I'm waiting to see if I can talk to a lawyer at school to help me get him out.
sb129 Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 )(&(*^%(*^&)(* LIAR! ugh! A more appropriate sentence might have been "i dont stay home at night because i prefer to sleep with my whore" *end rant* Sorry guys, I just need him and his disgraced genitals out of my home. And I can't seem to get rid of him. I'm waiting to see if I can talk to a lawyer at school to help me get him out. HURRAH! You go girlfriend. It may not seem like it to you Jaycie, but you are showing the first teeniest signs of getting better!!!! An angry rant is great! Keep it up. AND EAT something. NOW. Even if its only chocolate...
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