ruby_gloom Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 I posted about this situation some few days ago under the coping section, but since then, it has only gotten worse: To recap, go here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1124498&postcount=1 I had a major argument with this friend. She's been dating this guy for like 2 or 3 weeks, only 1 month after she got out of a 5 year relationship. For the past month before she started dating him, she professed her undying love for her exbf to every single day. Now, 2 weeks later, she has found another "love of her life." She asked me what I thought. I told her that I thought she was moving too fast, setting up really big expectations of a guy (marriage and family) who she hardly even knows. She fired back telling me that she does know him, and I told her that she knows things about him, but that he doesn't really know him and what he's all about because she only met him like 2 weeks ago. I also told her that I wasn't trying to be cynical or anything, but that I don't want to see her hurt again. I told her that I knew what she had gone through was very hard, and that I didn't want her to try to confuse real healing of heartbreak with a temporary fix. I said that, imo, she should go out with him and have fun and to try to get to know him as much as possible--to let things run their course without her trying to already manipulate the outcomes of things to her liking. I told her that if things work out, then sure they might get married, and perhaps even pretty soon, but that that shouldn't be the focus of this relationship. She asked be in a pissed-off voice: "Then what is?!" Sigh. I told her I know marriage is important to her, but I told her that because it is important, she shouldn't treat is as something so mundane--as something she can do with any old bloke. I told her also that, imo, the objective of her and any relationship should be to fall in love with the person and to really, really know who they are as an individual in order to determine whether or not they are compatible. I mean, why would you want to jump into marriage before even having a disagreement, only to later realize that you two can't work it out? To get divorced? It's not like marriage is a game; at least, I don't think it should be. She says that she already loves him and that she already knows him and that she thinks I have a really "f*cked up" way of thinking if I believe that you need to fight before getting married. I told her that it was my opinion and that it made perfect sense to me because I personally believe that in order to be able to truthfull say you love someone, you need to truly know them--the good and the bad--not just the good, like she partially does. I don't think you can love someone just for the good traits they demonstrate during the infatuation period of a relationship, which is what she is going through. It's absurd. She got really pissed off, saying that I'm just cynical and that what do I know about loving anyone anyways? I felt really bad when she said this because I really have tried to be nice to her. The only reason why I'm telling her this is because I really don't want to see her get hurt again. I'm not telling her this guy is a bad guy or anything, but I am telling her that it's really easy to say things and that perhaps the person may mean them right now, but in the long run, you might realize that these things weren't able to be fulfilled. I'm not saying it's because people never really mean things because they might at the time, but after more time passes by, things change. This is all I was trying to tell her; to reason with her so she doesn't put herself in a place where she might just end up hurt all over again. But she didn't think so. And to make it worse, yesterday she also told me that her exbf found out that she's dating someone new, and has been calling her in his attempt to get her back, I guess. She said she talked to him and that he asked her if she was seeing someone and that she said yes, and that then he told her he wasn't going to bother her anymore. Alright. So, he's been calling her still and she told her new bf about it and came to the decision that if he calls again, she's going to have her bf pretend to have her phone so that he can tell him to f*ck off. I told her this was a stupid thing to do. I asked her why she wanted to create unnecessary drama for all three of them. She says it's not drama because she now has someone to "defend" her, so she's not going to stick it out alone. Defend her?! From what?! Her exbf?! OMG! All he is doing is bugging her trying to get her back--the very same thing she didn some weeks ago--and all she need to do is pick up the phone if and when he next calls and be straightforward with him: she needs to tell him she is with someone new and that he doesn't want to keep on talking to him, so that he needs to stop contacting her in everywhich way. IMO, that's all she needs to do. I know her exbf and I know that he's not going to go nuts. Right now his pride is hurt, really, and after she tells him exactly what she has to, he'll leave her alone. Why does she need to bring in the new bf? So they can get pissed and have some sort of fight over the phone? Why does she want this? Is this her way of exacting revenge on her ex? By hurting him like this? What does she get out of it? Will she feel better by seeing two guys fight over her? Will that boost her already f*cking huge ego? This all just seems so absurd to me. And I told her and she just got really angry and said that my opinions are ridiculous; that I don't know how it feels to be so in love and that I'm too quick to forgive and blah blah blah. Insults, insults. I got annoyed so I told her that it was fine. Whatever. Do do what she wants. I mean, what else am I supposed to say? She hung up on me by remarking, "Some friend your are." What kind of sh*t is that to say? I don't get it. Am I wrong?
Storyrider Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 It sounds like she is almost playing at having a relationship rather than really having one. I think she is creating drama, like you said, whether to build her self esteem or because she is bored. Who knows? I think she wants to draw you into that drama for whatever reason, and you should stay out of it and let the whole situation run its course. I guess that will be hard because it is probably all she wants to talk about.
magichands Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 And I told her and she just got really angry and said that my opinions are ridiculous; that I don't know how it feels to be so in love and that I'm too quick to forgive and blah blah blah. Insults, insults. What are you... her mother?? She hung up on me by remarking, "Some friend your are." What kind of sh*t is that to say?But seriously, I'm sure she will apologise soon. I think you are naturally concerned about her, and also mourning the ?temporary? loss of your friend to monster balls. If she wants to convince herself that this penis and her can be happy ever after, then she's unlikely to want you bringing her back to reality. Whatever that might be. You're a good friend, Ruby. A bit gloomy, but as loyal and as good as they get.
magichands Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 I think she wants to draw you into that drama for whatever reason, Good point. I know I like being the centre of attention, haha.
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Don't say another word about it to her. Don't call her back, let her call you. And, don't get too involved in her life. It is her life, her choice and if she wants to screw it up, let her, so no more offering advice or what you think she should or shouldn't do. All you can do is be there for her when things fall apart.....(But don't tell her I told ya so!!!)
Author ruby_gloom Posted March 24, 2007 Author Posted March 24, 2007 Thanks, you guys. I'm just upset at the things she said because I feel that she thinks I'm just telling her these things to bring her down from her cloud. I'm not, though. It's just that I don't want to have her be hurt again. I know how much it hurts; I really, really do, but apparently she doesn't think I know because I never really talk about it. I care about her lots, but frankly, I don't really want to talk to her right now because she said some really hurtful things. She totally rubbed in my face how I've become so cynical because of the lack of love in my life, and that since I've never had it, I can't possibly know what it is. That's just not right. Just because her other friends tell her only what she wants to hear doesn't mean I will. I'm not trying to purposely be hurtful or anything either, but it just seems to me that she is so fixated on her wanting to get married that she is not looking at things the way she should. While I want her to be happy, I'm not going to feed her things I don't think are true, you know? Somehow that makes me a bad person, though. What's really bugging me also is how she is so adamant about telling me about all the happiness she is experiencing, almost as if by her telling she's making it so that she believes it more herself. I don't know. It's dumb that she used to come around so often when she was by herself and now that she's not all she does is call me to tell me about the wonders she's experiencing. I don't mind listening to her, but sometimes I get annoyed at hearing the same thing. Plus, she must think I'm stupid or something to not notice the nasty undertones she has when she mentions me and my lack of romantic relationships. Pardon me for not being able to go out to nightclubs to grind on guys and to slut it up in order to find my "love of my life"!!! But what's even more stupid is that I feel like the bad person here. EDIT: It is her life, her choice and if she wants to screw it up, let her, so no more offering advice or what you think she should or shouldn't do. All you can do is be there for her when things fall apart Oh, I agree, WWIS. Completely. It's not that I call her to give her my armchair advice/opinions, though. I call her every now and then, and when I do, it's only to see how she's doing and to say hi. She's the one that calls me most of the time to tell me about her and her bfs and asks me for what I think. Sometimes I tell her that it doesn't matter what I think as long as she is being conscious about what she's doing, is careful, and is happy. But even that gets her upset! I'm not all that much for offering my opinions if they are not asked for, especially if I think that they are going to create distress. I only give her my sincere opinion when she asks for it, but I guess I shouldn't. I know it's her life and that ultimately what I say doesn't mean jack sh*t, but she is my friend and I do care; I don't want to see her be a mess again, and even moreso if what's she's going to end up doing is coming back to me to cry on my shoulder. I wouldn't have the heart to turn her away, but even though I dont have any "real problems" like her, as she says and thinks, I do! It's obvious she doesn't care for what I think or say, and that's fine I guess, so I try to just shut up about it with her and let her be, but then she accuses me of not caring, which is just not true, and I feel bad this way too. You see, guys, this is why I prefer those loser junkie friends of mine.
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