silktricks Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 When my H told me about his EA (emotional affair), about a month into recovery I told him that if he had just had a one night stand it would have been far easier to take. Though at first he didn't believe me, over time we both realized that I was right. For me, it was the emotional betrayal that was so very difficult. A quick roll in the hay, though painful, would have been at a completely different level than an ongoing year-long betrayal. So, the question is: Do others feel this way as well? If so, why do you think that is? An add-on question for women: if your SO did have a "quick roll in the hay" with someone, could/would you view this as a "boys will be boys" indiscretion?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 I don't agree with the boys will be boys attitude in a "commited realtionship". That's kind of like saying thiefs will be theifs. I do however agree that an EA is much harder to take FOR WOMEN than a PA. I believe that men however find a PA more painful than an EA. (as in more damaging to their ego)
Chapter2 Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 My xMM's wife knows of six other infidelities that were "one night stands"...there were far more than that but she knows of six over the course of their 10 year marriage. I was a one year EA that led to a PA (she has been told there was only a kiss and is choosing to believe even though she doesn't believe...if that makes sense). She told me that this hurt her far more than any one night stand ever could...that she felt part of his heart was gone forever. I believe both are devastating but I know that when I was cheated on previously it was easier for me to cope with by telling myself "oh, she's just a slut and it didn't mean anything...just skin on skin...she probalby threw herself at him and he couldn't resist"...it was the only way I could tolerate staying in the relationship. I had to make "her" the bad girl temptress in order to stay....until he'd do it again...and again...and again...and again...and again...and again.....................................
Chapter2 Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 I agree IWWH...men seem to have a MUCH harder time dealing with the thought that their SO would give her body to another...many say its a deal breaker. I do however agree that an EA is much harder to take FOR WOMEN than a PA. I believe that men however find a PA more painful than an EA. (as in more damaging to their ego)
Author silktricks Posted March 24, 2007 Author Posted March 24, 2007 I don't agree with the boys will be boys attitude in a "commited realtionship". That's kind of like saying thiefs will be theifs. I like that simile. The thread about honesty started talking about European attitudes towards EMA's and the wives having a "boys will be boys" attitude. Although I can somewhat see it in my own feeling that a "roll in the hay" would have been easier to take, at the same time I don't think it's excusable behavior. I do however agree that an EA is much harder to take FOR WOMEN than a PA. I believe that men however find a PA more painful than an EA. (as in more damaging to their ego) You think so? I dunno, there's a lot to pain other than ego, I think. But maybe not. Maybe that's all it really boils down to. All of this relationship stuff can get so terribly confusing. Back in my 20's and 30's I really thought I knew what was going on in my head and heart, but it seems like the older I get the more I realize how little I understand even myself, let alone anyone else. Forgiveness gets easier, though, because I figure that everyone else is probably just as confused as I am.
Author silktricks Posted March 24, 2007 Author Posted March 24, 2007 I believe both are devastating but I know that when I was cheated on previously it was easier for me to cope with by telling myself "oh, she's just a slut and it didn't mean anything...just skin on skin...she probalby threw herself at him and he couldn't resist"...it was the only way I could tolerate staying in the relationship. I had to make "her" the bad girl temptress in order to stay....until he'd do it again...and again...and again...and again...and again...and again..................................... Do you think the fact that you were cheated on in any way contributed to your affair?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 All of this relationship stuff can get so terribly confusing. Back in my 20's and 30's I really thought I knew what was going on in my head and heart, but it seems like the older I get the more I realize how little I understand even myself, let alone anyone else. Forgiveness gets easier, though, because I figure that everyone else is probably just as confused as I am. LOL!!! I keep saying that I woke up at 40 and realized that I didn't know a damn thing. I never had and inkling of what I know about men now. That said, it has taken a good amount of time to accept and then alter my views and feelings on the matter. It was like waking up on another planet.
lrae Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Sorry but as an aside, try this scenario out. I'm still baffled?!! I caught my H in an EA (after much skepticism and research I do believe that it wasn't physical - yet?!?) with a young girl who was already involved physically with another women's H. Sound like a sick affair triangle to anyone else! Anyways - emotional, physical or both affairs suck, they all hurt. But I refuse to let my husband's affair define ME. I have learned to love and forgive myself that much more and to take a stronger stand with my emotional boundaries.
Chapter2 Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 I'm sure it did...no question. I've had to do so much unpacking of my own "crap" that there isn't a doubt in my mind that it was a contribution. I have many times been my own worst enemy. I've tried so hard to really disect why I made some of the choices I've made and it's still so hard. I can tell you that even while involved in the affair, the guilt and shame were HUGE and I'm sure I'll have to deal with that forever. Not so much wearing the guilt and shame, but continuing to have to forgive myself for it. Not to imply that my "crap" is fully unpacked though...I seem to get through one layer and sure enough there is another one waiting for me What is different for me now though is that I have a fire in my gut to pursue healthy relationships at any and all cost... I would rather be alone till I die than have another unhealthy relationship. Do you think the fact that you were cheated on in any way contributed to your affair?
Author silktricks Posted March 24, 2007 Author Posted March 24, 2007 I caught my H in an EA (after much skepticism and research I do believe that it wasn't physical - yet?!?) with a young girl who was already involved physically with another women's H. Sound like a sick affair triangle to anyone else! Sounds like the young girl has some real issues!!! And you're right, a partner's affair does not define who we are, but it may well change how we view ourselves, how we act around other people and how we react to situations. It can be a life challenging and changing event. I'm glad you're doing well .
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Anyways - emotional, physical or both affairs suck, they all hurt. But I refuse to let my husband's affair define ME. I have learned to love and forgive myself that much more and to take a stronger stand with my emotional boundaries. I completely and utterly agree. It took me a very long time to get to that point though. It's a miracle that I made it through, but after 2 years I finally realized that today is MINE no matter what anyones else does with it, I'm responsible for my day! I would have to say that it was almost worth the 2 years of torture, best gift I've ever received! I heard someone say that "life is 10% what happens and 90% your attitude about it."
Author silktricks Posted March 24, 2007 Author Posted March 24, 2007 Not to imply that my "crap" is fully unpacked though...I seem to get through one layer and sure enough there is another one waiting for me Yeah, I don't really think that ever happens. After my first husband had a series of affairs and then deserted me and our kids (simply gone one day, never saw him again - spoke on the phone a couple times years later) I had a LOT of crap to unpack . Truth to tell, I'm still unpacking both that crap AND the crap I grew up with!!! What is different for me now though is that I have a fire in my gut to pursue healthy relationships at any and all cost... I would rather be alone till I die than have another unhealthy relationship. I agree, it's far better to be alone than in a bad relationship.
Chapter2 Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Unfortunately, that's my truth to tell too:( I think what motivates me to keep unpacking is that I soooooo don't want my child to make some of the choices I made. Sorry...way off topic:) Truth to tell, I'm still unpacking both that crap AND the crap I grew up with!!!quote]
Ladyjane14 Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 ...if your SO did have a "quick roll in the hay" with someone, could/would you view this as a "boys will be boys" indiscretion? Not with the advent of HIV. Now, if he told me immediately, and didn't touch me until after he had... maybe. But if he exposed himself to potential STD's and then exposed ME, it would be a deal-breaker in my book. I'm not staying with a guy who would bet my LIFE on the strength of a condom. My husband's EA actually told me ALOT about the deficits in our relationship. The fact that he'd become involved at the emotional level told me that there was a dearth of emotional intimacy within our marriage. THIS was something I could address and repair. Not caring about me to the extent that it would be okay with him if I got sick or even DIED... that's not something I can forgive or fix. I realize that's not the deliberate intent of a guy who cheats... but in his ACTIONS, that's what he's saying. He cares more about his immediate gratification than any possible consequence of his cheating. I've got to have me a PLANNER, a guy who consistently uses his 'BIG BRAIN'. If his 'little brain' is doing his thinking for him, then he and I are NOT compatible.
Freedom Now Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Not with the advent of HIV. Now, if he told me immediately, and didn't touch me until after he had... maybe. But if he exposed himself to potential STD's and then exposed ME, it would be a deal-breaker in my book. I'm not staying with a guy who would bet my LIFE on the strength of a condom. My husband's EA actually told me ALOT about the deficits in our relationship. The fact that he'd become involved at the emotional level told me that there was a dearth of emotional intimacy within our marriage. THIS was something I could address and repair. Not caring about me to the extent that it would be okay with him if I got sick or even DIED... that's not something I can forgive or fix. I realize that's not the deliberate intent of a guy who cheats... but in his ACTIONS, that's what he's saying. He cares more about his immediate gratification than any possible consequence of his cheating. I've got to have me a PLANNER, a guy who consistently uses his 'BIG BRAIN'. If his 'little brain' is doing his thinking for him, then he and I are NOT compatible. But you said in a different thread that you would sleep with this same man who exposed you to potential STD's and HIV to get revenge. You say you wouldn't stay with a guy who does that to you, which, of course, is healthy thinking, IMHO... but, you have also said that you would sleep with him as revenge, if he should end up with that same woman whom you have been exposed to potential STD's.... That doesn't sound like a deal breaker to me. Sorry, silktricks.... didn't mean to threadjack. Carry on....
Ladyjane14 Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 But you said in a different thread that you would sleep with this same man who exposed you to potential STD's and HIV to get revenge. You say you wouldn't stay with a guy who does that to you, which, of course, is healthy thinking, IMHO... but, you have also said that you would sleep with him as revenge, if he should end up with that same woman whom you have been exposed to potential STD's.... That doesn't sound like a deal breaker to me. Sorry, silktricks.... didn't mean to threadjack. Carry on.... Just because I wouldn't take him back on a permanent basis doesn't mean I wouldn't f*ck things up for the OW. It's not like the exposure wouldn't have already occurred anyway.
Freedom Now Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Just pointing out the inconsistency... Deal breakers are usually deal breakers. They don't usually come with exceptions for most of us. Peace.
Izzar Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Wouldn't an STD be considered a definate deal breaker? I sure think so.
Chapter2 Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 You'd be surprised Izzar...it's not a deal breaker for some. They figure they've fought this hard, they can't give up now...he may have made some noticeable progress and be very, very, very sorry. Wouldn't an STD be considered a definate deal breaker? I sure think so.
Glass Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Not with the advent of HIV. Now, if he told me immediately, and didn't touch me until after he had... maybe. But if he exposed himself to potential STD's and then exposed ME, it would be a deal-breaker in my book. I'm not staying with a guy who would bet my LIFE on the strength of a condom. Not caring about me to the extent that it would be okay with him if I got sick or even DIED... that's not something I can forgive or fix. I realize that's not the deliberate intent of a guy who cheats... but in his ACTIONS, that's what he's saying. He cares more about his immediate gratification than any possible consequence of his cheating. I had hoped threre was another reason beside my ego for a PA being more hurtful to me. I agree- Aids, her actions- that's right. I'm not as egotistical afterall.
Glass Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Not with the advent of HIV. Now, if he told me immediately, and didn't touch me until after he had... maybe. But if he exposed himself to potential STD's and then exposed ME, it would be a deal-breaker in my book. I'm not staying with a guy who would bet my LIFE on the strength of a condom. Not caring about me to the extent that it would be okay with him if I got sick or even DIED... that's not something I can forgive or fix. I realize that's not the deliberate intent of a guy who cheats... but in his ACTIONS, that's what he's saying. He cares more about his immediate gratification than any possible consequence of his cheating. I had hoped there was another reason beside my ego for a PA being more hurtful to me. I agree- Aids, her actions- that's right. I'm not as egotistical afterall.
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