Hoping vs 'moving on' - is it a real dilemma?

[Guest]

Hey everyone,

 

I broke up with my gf almost 5 weeks ago, I officially ended it but really all the doubts and problems were coming from her - she virtually said she was increasingly curious about other people and, having recently started at Uni and our relationship being fairly long distance, all the pressures were getting too much for her; I was very happy in the relationship, so there's no doubt that I'm really the dumpee.

 

I then spent the next 2 weeks not exactly non-stop pleading, but definitely called her about 3 times and even drove all the way to her to...well I didn't exactly beg but I was just extremely nice and said I just wanted to talk to her, talk everything through face to face, etc. She was polite, but firm and slightly cold; nothing I was doing seemed to get through to her.

 

Then after about 2 weeks I found out she had a new guy, someone who'd been around before and to move on so quickly after an 18 month relationship was extremely hurtful. I think it's also revealing of what different places we were both in by the end. I sent a really angry text message and *finally* got a response from her, a long, desperate email saying she 'cared about me more than anything in the world' etc., and desperately trying to justify her actions with this guy, her feelings for me, etc. (I know she cheated on her previous bf with me btw, so I was suspicious). We then had a phone call the next day and she did convince me that her feelings for me had changed, once we had broken up she then became interested in the new guy and thought 'why not?'; and to be fair, I was never supposed to know, it's totally random that I found out. However, she sounded v emotional and incredibly keen that we should be friends - I got the distinct feeling that it was very important to her that I didn't think badly of her.

 

So I basically forgave her, sent her a long email apologising for having been so nasty; I eventually got one back that was calm and poised again, very different in tone to before. Now we've had 2 weeks of NC and I'm intending on keeping it that way for a good while.

 

Now my question is: at the moment I'm veering between really and truly facing up to the relationship being over, i.e. letting go (something I really don't want to do but at my best feel I'm moving towards); and getting by by pinning all my hopes on the summer, probably the first realistic time I can get in touch with her again (NB What do people think the chances are a long gap (i.e. approx 3 months) will start to win her round anyway? Could it work or is that ridiculous in this case?) So in other words I get through the days sometimes by feeling 'OK, I'm moving on' and other times by saying 'it'll all be OK, you'll be back with her anyway' (NB a friend of mine had *exactly* the same situation, i.e. Uni, long-distance etc. and his gf came back to him after about 3 months so it *does* happen). This is really, really doing my head in; but people tell me it's normal and I'll get over her slowly through NC anyway, and gradually the hopes will fade. Is this really true?

 

Finally - it seemed so so important to her that we ultimately maintain contact. In our phone conversations I said I couldn't do it and this would have to be it for ever; and she said she couldn't 'bear it'. She also said the usual stuff about still having hopes for our relationship somewhere down the line, and to be fair there weren't big problems in the relationship, her feelings supposedly just 'changed'. So am I right to hold out hopes for something somewhere down the line? Why do women say things like this rather than 'I don't want to go out with you ever again'? Is there real ambiguity in her mind or is she just feeling guilty?

 

Feeling a bit confused - would appreciate people's help and advice.

[waitingforlove]

Did you neglect her in your relationship? Even though she suggested before the breakup that she wanted to see other people, perhaps it was a "test" to see how much you cared about her? Perhaps it was because she felt neglected and thought she might get more attention from someone else? It sounds to me like she really cares about you. And I don't care what you say about you being the "dumpee," the truth is that you did the dumping because YOU were the one who "officially" ended it! So you can't expect her to come back to you first! Come on, be a man and get her back if you really love her! She might just need you to prove to her that you want her badly and are not ready to let her go. Be ready to do some apologizing and begging, haha!! Because -- to bad, you were the one who ended it first after all. It must have hurt her feelings badly, so you have to understand that if you really want to get her to forgive you.

[Guest]

Thanks for the thought but perhaps I wasn't clear - when I drove 100 miles to see her at Uni I DID beg her actually, I was obviously desperate to get back with her, she knows I'd do anything to have her back and that WAS a big romantic gesture. She definitely cares about me, but that's because she feels guilty and does genuinely like me and I think feels terrible that her feelings have 'just changed'; but really, I've given her ample reason to think I really, really want her back, if she did want me she knows where I am etc.

 

But I do think the 'let's be friends' ambiguity was stronger in her mind than normal because she really really does want that - from the model of her previous boyfriend, it's genuinely very important to her that ultimately she maintains positive and friendly contact, I don't know if this is a guilt thing or what, but she isn't just completely callous about exes, especially when (as has always been the case with her so far) she's been the dumper.

 

Still hurting after 5 weeks (altho only 2 non-contact)...I hope this gets easier.

[Living_For_Me]

Guest

 

This girl isn't coming back. Not now, not ever.

 

It's black and white. Women don't leave a man they're in love with. She isn't in love with you, not anymore.

 

When a woman says she wants to be "friends" it's their way of softening the blow. Make no mistake however they do not mean it literally.

 

If i were you i would cut this girl out of your life and find someone new. She obviously isn't appreciative of what you have to offer.

 

Remember no matter how well you think you got along with your ex. There will ALWAYS be another to take their place and the new relationship will be better than the last.

[tomtommyboy]

By the way this is my thread (tomtommyboy's) - I had to sign in as a Guest as temporarily forgot my 'name' on this site!

 

 

The thing is: with her previous bf she really and truly DID care about being his friend. It was incredibly important to her, it was even a (slight) issue for us in our relationship, it occasionally made me insecure (when she was waiting on texts from him etc.) Now I don't think for a second she was still in love with him, she'd moved on to me and was completely in love with me at the time, but eventually (once he'd got over his anger) they did end up being friendly again and it was really important to her. There was no callousness; her 'let's be friends' with him was clearly 100% genuine, and who knows whether they might get back together in the future even? I sort of think that's a nice model for me - to get over her in my own time but not to hate her, and to hold open the possibility of friendship in the future.

 

 

The fact is, many many people 'hold people in mind' for years and end up getting together. It doesn't have to mean 'heartbreak down the line' does it? I mean if I move on now completely, see other girls etc., have total NC for months (maybe longer) but have a feeling that this one was special; and the fact is she knows our relationships WAS amazing; who knows what she might discover after dating other people (and me?) Why close the door completely?

[horn4thor]

The fact is, many many people 'hold people in mind' for years and end up getting together. It doesn't have to mean 'heartbreak down the line' does it? I mean if I move on now completely, see other girls etc., have total NC for months (maybe longer) but have a feeling that this one was special; and the fact is she knows our relationships WAS amazing; who knows what she might discover after dating other people (and me?) Why close the door completely?

 

That same thing helped me move on actually--help me let go of wanting her back right now. I see my ex every once and a while, we say hi, but that is as far as her "lets be friends" ever went. I learn something and try to make it a part of me with every relationship--the first break up I learned, wuss bag never gets a man anywhere with a girl, and with this one "lets be friends" means I wont kick you in the nads when I see you in public.

 

So far its been true, but she's not calling anytime soon to go see a movie. Another lesson and a piece of advice for anyone reading, was to stick close to my age range--20 is fun for 30, but they have little to no holding power--do not expect long term anything.

[tomtommyboy]

horn4thor - if you're coming back and reading this thread can I ask: did 'moving on by retaining hope for something a long way down the line' actually work for you? Or did you just never actually move on? Cos my instinct is to move on by (gently) keeping the hope (I don't mean banking on anything but just taking the long view, she's 7 yrs younger than me, needs time to grow up, etc., not actually picturing scenarios where she calls me in a month or anything) and letting my feelings slowly fade over that time. If something remains deep down...well so what? I can't believe that's going to stop me living my life, it certainly isn't at the moment altho I still feel some of that pain still, but it's definitely fading.

 

but the advice on these boards tends to be it's an either or - hope or move on. I'm not sure this is so true. How about 'a little hope in order to move on'. Just so long as moving on is the order of the day, how we do it isn't so important, right? Or maybe it is - only you can tell us horn4thor, share your experience a little more cos it sounds unique but might help me! Also, I was 27 she was 20...is that age difference too much at that stage of life I wonder?

[fireflywy]

horn4thor - if you're coming back and reading this thread can I ask: did 'moving on by retaining hope for something a long way down the line' actually work for you? Or did you just never actually move on? Cos my instinct is to move on by (gently) keeping the hope (I don't mean banking on anything but just taking the long view, she's 7 yrs younger than me, needs time to grow up, etc., not actually picturing scenarios where she calls me in a month or anything) and letting my feelings slowly fade over that time. If something remains deep down...well so what? I can't believe that's going to stop me living my life, it certainly isn't at the moment altho I still feel some of that pain still, but it's definitely fading.

 

but the advice on these boards tends to be it's an either or - hope or move on. I'm not sure this is so true. How about 'a little hope in order to move on'. Just so long as moving on is the order of the day, how we do it isn't so important, right? Or maybe it is - only you can tell us horn4thor, share your experience a little more cos it sounds unique but might help me! Also, I was 27 she was 20...is that age difference too much at that stage of life I wonder?

 

I'll be completely blunt...

 

I would move on and abandon all hope. Don't hold on, don't keep the little fire burning in the back of your mind. If you're hurting right now you need to extinguish that flame. You and she both need time apart with no expectations for the future.

 

And now for the cryptic part....

 

Life happens.... she may come back.. she may not... you may want her back.. you may not... she may end up being a friend.. she may not... you may meet the woman of your dreams tommorrow... or you may not and be just fine...

 

Who can say? There are a world of possibilities...

 

but the only way you're going to get to there from here..

 

is to move on....

[Shadowdog36]

I disagree.

 

I see long term hope of a relationship at some point in the distant future as a good coping mechanism. To tell someone to abandon all hope can be too difficult for some to handle.

 

Giving yourself that 6 month or 1 year breather from the raw emotional state you're in directly after a split can be just the thing you need to be able to cope with the finality of it all in the future.

 

I see nothing wrong with holding onto a DISTANT hope to allow yourself time to gain perspective. Now, if you're still holding onto hope 5 years from now....well then it's time to see someone in a professional capacity.

[messed-mind]

Badgering someone and hanging onto hopeful thoughts doesn't make them come back though, I think you need to let this go, go NC and let life takes its course.

 

I was so devastated when I broke up with my long term girlfriend, she was part of my life, my best friend, we did everything together, we hung out with each other's families, went on holiday together. When we broke up, I wanted to die, I had deep depression, I felt like my life was over.

 

But I survived, and I survived by only doing NC and accepting it was over. Meeting someone else also helped, even if I broke up with them two weeks ago. I still regret a lot of things about my long termer, but I now think of her as someone that was special to me in the past and that my live has moved forward and i'm now excited about who I might meet now. I don't ever pine to have her back.

[Trialbyfire]

I disagree.

 

I see long term hope of a relationship at some point in the distant future as a good coping mechanism. To tell someone to abandon all hope can be too difficult for some to handle.

 

Giving yourself that 6 month or 1 year breather from the raw emotional state you're in directly after a split can be just the thing you need to be able to cope with the finality of it all in the future.

 

I see nothing wrong with holding onto a DISTANT hope to allow yourself time to gain perspective. Now, if you're still holding onto hope 5 years from now....well then it's time to see someone in a professional capacity.

 

I agree with most of this, as long as this hope doesn't completely stop you from healing. Some people need a gradual healing process, some need NC and others use a combination of both.

 

Overall, though, move on and if she comes back, that could be a bonus or even better, you would have healed sufficiently to have found someone else who is more suitable.