jamesh1985 Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Hey, I just want to explain something here and yall can tell me if your in the same boat So I'm a 21 male, feeling sorta lost, and undefined. Basically, I've been in one serious relationship, was on and off for over a year, gave her the world and got used so badly, but thats another story. I'm trying to get back into the real world, but I'm feeling as if I cant find my idenity. Like in high school everyone was in their "clicks". They had stuff that defined them, made them unique. Well I didnt have it then and dont have it now. I live my life to please others, never wanting enemies, wanting everyone to laugh and not hate me. When making something simple like user names, It takes me forever to do something better than JamesH1985, as I cant zone in on one thing. I see myself never being happy with any job, as I want to do so many and dont have time. (politicial, archeologist, computer networking, engineering, humantiarian, sporting related, electrician, etc and so on. I listen to every kind of music, mostly. Love the oldies, to jazz, to current stuff, linkin park, nickelback, and even clarkson and avril but would take beach boys or 4 seasons any day. Is this normal for a 21 y/o? I have hobbies but I always switch, Its like I'm afraid to find out who I really am or something. I'm so shy till I know the person, never had a true best friend. Never really pissed my parents off, just the simple dude who feels so complex on the inside. I just want to know if others have been in this situation, and how they dealt with it. Do I need to make a drastic change? Or am I just whining, and need to grow up? Any helpfull thoughts or questions are greatly welcome.
monkey00 Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 I dont know who you are but it sounds like you dont know who you are yet. Even the rules of "just be yourself" wouldnt apply. Maybe you just need to find a goal or interest to keep your time and attention on. You're not really living your life if you dont do things that are within your own self-interest, it's normal human behavior to be selfish. Believe it or not, there will be people out there that hate you/ love you/ dislike you/ or just dont care...you cant have it go your way everytime. So yea just do what you gotta do
jaycie724 Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Hi James, Your post reminded me of my ex-fiancee. In part, my ex-fiancee threw away the world (me, his age, I have an MA degree, good job, good credit, etc and I wanted him and a future with him) for some 20yr old girl who has a kid. He cheated on me with her for over 2 months before he broke up with me a little over a week ago. He's still lying about being with her even though I know that they're moving in together. Ok, so I'm not saying that you're any of those things but I believe that, in part, these actions of his were a result of him not knowing who he is and what he wants to do with his life. He's spent the past 6.5 years that we were together switching from one major in school to the other, always changing his mind about everything - even the music he listened to. Granted, he's got MANY issues that are also working on this situation but the crux of the issue with he and I is that he doesn't have a clue who he is, who he wants to be, or where he wants to go in his life and in the process, he's throwing everything good in his life (me, his job, even his family) away. Don't be like him. Focus on yourself and get to know yourself before you put yourself in a situation that you couldn't handle like he did. In short, how can you be ready for a realtionship when you don't know who you are? Its a really great start that you recognize that you aren't sure who you are because the next step is beginning that discovery process. If you're in school, you might check with the student center and see if there are any counselors that you can talk to. I actually did that at my school and found that the counselors were incredibly helpful. A counselor might be able to help you explore who you are and help to teach you that you cannot and should not try to please everyone all of the time. You have to learn how to put yourself first and I really think that a counselor would be the best way to go through this process in a healthy way. I know its hard and scary - I mean, look at my ex, all he does is hide from the problem and will, therefore, never begin to solve it until he admits that it exists. You'll make it, just try hard and focus on yourself and not other people. Good luck to you
stace79 Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I have pretty wide and diverse interests. I listen to all the types of music you do and more. I love watching sports, but at the same time I am still "girly" in some ways. I don't think you should have to "pidgeon hole" yourself to be happy. Embrace your wide variety of interests. I think that's a good point! You will have common interests with a lot of people, but you will also have things you still enjoy doing alone or with friends. That should allow you to have a full relationship with a lucky girl, but still keep some things for your "own time." That's definitely important. The only thing you may need to work on is being more open toward new people. I know that's hard if you're shy, but you can definitely work on it. I think what you're going through is completely normal...and you sound like a really nice guy. Keep your head up. =)
soulseeker Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Hi James. I'm a 29 and female, here's my perspective, for what it is worth: I've always felt the same way, could never just pick one thing and focus on it like most everyone else seemed to do. This made me feel ungrounded and unsure of who I was. I dealt with a lot of depression and anxiety. Because of this, it was easier to latch on to someone else who was certain about what they wanted, that way I could kind of push down my unsettled feeling and live through their life vicariously. That was a huge mistake, though I think most people do the same thing perhaps not out of the same initial feelings. It was hard for me to pick one thing because it meant I had to give up some of the other things that I wanted. But, that is part of growing up. No, you most likely dont have time to be/do all of the things you want to be/do, but hey, maybe you do. For now, pick one, try it, and if you dont like it, next. Perhaps that IS your personality, you are a seeker. My brother always calls me that. You want to try a lot of things and cant be happy unless you do. That is awesome. You will find out so much about yourself this way, if you can just be comfortable with the fact that that is who you are. It's your life and there is no one else to live it for you. It cant ever be like anyone else's life either. Isn't that cool? Also, it's perfectly ok for people not to like you or get upset with you. It's part of living your life for you! This is your one chance of it (in theory ). You cant spend your whole life concerned about other peoples opinions of you. What do they matter, really? Only you can ultimately define who you are. Just because someone says one or another thing about you doesnt make it true. Take some time getting comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. Dont be so hard on yourself. This is something I am still learning at 29 And! Keep in mind that who you are today will not be the person you are a year from now. You are always changing.
Ssheena Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 Hi James. I would suggest counseling and/or therapy. While you are still very young, I have been around a guy like you. There was no "him", he just adapted to whomever he was around. He had none of his own interests, just what other people were interested. He was always wanting to fit in and have people like him and he seriously would ask them stuff like - send me a list of your favorite movies so I can watch them. He never developed his own interests or his own personality. That kind of person, to me, is a parasite. Just living off other people and adapting to them. He always said he was going to do all this stuff and he never did any of it. He would start things and not finish them. Granted, people can learn from other people but what it was he could not share anything about himself as there was nothing there. When I have a conversation with someone about books or music or movies or whatever, I can say oh..I like this, have you seen it? What did you like about it? etc. and the other person could say what they saw, what they liked, etc.. This guy couldn't...he'd always be worried about what the person would say if he said he liked something. I told him he was like a character actor. He could play any part of a script given a character but there was nothing there when the script was removed. He didnt' know how to just "be". At least you recognize this about yourself. I don't know how to fix it but I'm sure a good therapist or counselor would be able to get you on your way. Take chances, make choices.
RocketMan2 Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 I really hope you aren't my pschizophrenic alter ego.... James, I can't describe to you how similar the description you gave of yourself is to me. I feel exactly the same way as you in every point you made, which in a strange way has actaully made me feel much better. Much better to know that I'm not going crazy and that other people are experiencing the same thing. Hope this reply brings you the reassurance your post brought me. Unfortunately I dont have any advice to give, as im stuck in exactly the same place you are. I hope ive helped Rocket
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