Her ex before me must be a pussy

[oppath]

My ex and I started dating a couple weeks after she ended a 5 year relationship. He moved away but the romance was gone according to her for nearly a year. They only had sex maybe 4 times in the last 6 months they were together. She finally dumped him.

 

But she wanted to keep him in her life because he was her best friend.

 

Basically within my relationship, I tolerated her talking to him and maintaining a friendship. I tolerated her not bringing me around some of her friends at first because they were closer to him. When he'd be back in town visiting family and friends I'd let her hang out with him as I empathized that she didn't want to hurt him by making it appear she had moved on so soon. I trusted her because she told me she'd made it clear that the romance was over, etc, and she'd ask ahead of time if it was ok. I did express displeasure and that she should tell him she was dating. Just before we broke up my patience was worn out and I wouldn't have tolerated any more of it. LOOKING BACK IN HINDSIGHT: all those things indicate that even if it was over, she truly hadn't moved on, or wasn't ready for a new relationship.

 

Well, just before she dumped me, he came back into town and proposed to her. None of this was told to me as a reason to break up. I'm told the decision was made before this and she was waiting for the holidays to end. I learned this 4 weeks after the breakup, 2 weeks after I turned down her FWB request, and yeah, I drunkenly emailed some harsh words that I regret and even threatened to tell her ex about me if she couldn't tell me the truth (I saw through her cliche reasons for the breakup; there was something else going on). I apologized for those harsh words and threat a couple times and have been beating myself up over this for no reason. I reacted as a heartbroken person would and couldn't cope in that moment.

 

But she's still hanging out with her old ex when he comes back to town. She turned down his proposal! What hurts me is that I've been ostracized from her life, including some mutual friends, because I went "psycho". I'm the first to admit I reacted too strongly but I've felt it is forgivable. But I'm ostracized. But I do know they are in regular contact, spend time together when he comes into town, etc, though THEY ARE NOT DATING, SLEEPING TOGETHER, OR BACK TOGETHER.

 

WTF? If I were that guy I would walk away. He is still on a string, I guarantee it, as less than 3 months ago he proposed. I don't understand. More importantly, does she not realize the effect she probably has on him?!? If she were truly caring I'd suspect she'd let him go.

 

How this hurts me is (1) I am ostracized. Despite her lies and **** I was hoping to eventually be friends 1 year down the line because our circles intersect; I just didn't want this to happen right away. I wanted space. I still want this. (2) While yes, I tried to manipulate her into telling me the truth, and that was wrong of me, it just shows how little she valued me in our relationship. And this is shocking since she was so into me and affectionate.

 

My learning lessons is that I won't be involved with someone who maintains a close friendship with a recent ex, who from the beginning, can't introduce me to mutual friends of her ex's to spare his feelings, etc. I come first even after a few dates.

 

What is wrong with her old ex though? Is he deluding himself? Is he enduring the hurt? If I could rewind time 1.5 months, honestly, I would have not contacted my ex and I probably would have been vengeful and contacted him. I feel he would be spared in the long run from her.

 

What hurts most is that she is so warm towards him, but I'm cut out entirely. I've been told by mutual friends that if we were at the same place, she wouldn't even acknowledge me or interact at all. My friends are of the opinion that despite my behavior she owes me apologies, certainly an acknowledgment of the ones I sent. But I guess I've answered the question, how can she be so warm to him but cold to me? It's always been that way. He came first. I was always hidden to spare his feelings. No wonder I've felt used and abused. This will never happen to me again!

 

Just a rant I guess. Part of the healing process and realizing she is passive. Really, a mature women in her mid-to-late 20's would abandon the friendship, at least for the time being, to give both people space. This will surely affect her future relationships, and probably hurt him too.

[cr8sea]

uhh yeah you must definitely need to get a new set of friends. If they are choosing her over you, then whose friends are they really of? In any case, this whole thing is a mess, with you and the message you sent, with her and the whole ex, who really isnt an ex, and then the whole friends thing. If i were you, i would just erase all that (i know easier said than done), and start over. Seriously, stick to YOUR real friends, but start making changes in your life, get to know people OUTSIDE of her circle of friends and just live your new life, leaving her and her ex and her friends behind.

I hope things turn out right.

Good luck with all that!

[oppath]

That's exactly what I decided to do. I won't go anywhere her and her friends might be. I am maintaining friendships with two of her friends, but only on my turf. It sucks.

 

And I'll be the first to admit that I overreacted and was mean with the message I sent. I crossed lines there. It's just...it wouldn't have happened had she not lied to me, and it wouldn't have happened had she not asked for friends with benefits 2 weeks after she dumped me. Under those circumstances...it's still not ok how I reacted, but it is understandable because when someone is in pain and heartbroken and hit upside the head blindly, you've pretty much have to accept that any response they give is out of temporary rage, and they don't mean what they said. It really is forgivable in my opinion. What I would say to someone is that no-one knows how they would respond in that situation unless they had the same feelings and exact same circumstances. Until then, they don't know. Hurt is powerful.

 

But I am closing that part of my life.

 

I know from her perspective I burned bridges and crossed major lines. I feel the same about her. I just think it's stupid. And it bothers me that there is no chance I can ever be in her life yet her ex is still intimately involved. But again, that was always the case. He always came before me. Even if she knew she was going to dump me, it was kind of mean of her not to mention his proposal considering we have mutual friends and it would have gotten back to me.

 

Yes, no more energy should be spent on these people, and I am not. They are dead to me for six months. It's just one of those things that still baffles me. I've accepted it, but I'm baffled by it.

 

In reality, she's not worth my time or my thoughts. Yes, I did and said some things that weren't perfect, but they fall into normal breakup behavior given the circumstances, whatever that means. If that can't be acknowledged, then there is no point. Really, I don't want to be friends with her: she lied to me! But I find the whole thing baffling. And I feel bad for her other ex because he isn't moving on with this. I mean, I know 5 years is a long time, but he's already been dumped and then pined away for 6 months, proposed, and was rejected again. This after hardly having sex at the end of their relationship? Calling him a pussy is unfair and mean. I'm sure he's a good guy. And part of me is jealous that he is in her life and I am not. But I just don't understand. If I were to ask for a girl back who dumped me, and was rejected, I'd cut her out of my life. I feel bad for him.

[bridget_jones]

I read the title of your post and didn't have to read the rest to think "Who cares if he IS? Why does that matter?"

 

I think it is really strange that you encouraged her to hang out with her ex to show him that she didn't want to hurt him by showing she moved on too quickly. That is a VERY strange strategy. I know you were saying "Hey, I'm not jealous, go kick with your ex" as a way to think she'd actually think you are a cooler boyfriend and not jealous. However, you were really telling her 'Hey, go hang out with him, you can treat me like a doormat.'

That said, she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, not even as just friends. You don't like it, but she has let you know that.

All the "analyzing" of her motives, and calling her ex a p*ssy is not going to change that. If she wants to spend time with him, that's her prerogative and none of your busines.

You just gotta try to stop dwelling on her motivations and go NC all the way, forever and ever.

[oppath]

No, I am going NC all the way.

 

Also, I was never OK with her and her ex. I'd repeatedly tell her she should tell him about me. I'd repeatedly tell her she was disrespecting me. I never encouraged her to maintain a friendship. I always expressed concern. I was fairly assertive, though in hindsight, I should have walked away. I was hardly a doormat in this relationship. If she upset me I'd let her know right away. My learning experience, however, is not to tolerate that behavior at all. It's not about being a doormat, it's about recognizing if someone is truly available for a relationship. I wasn't a doormat, I just didn't recognize she wasn't available. Believe me, I'd let her know when she was approaching boundaries. I didn't follow through because I was empathetic. Now I know I don't have to be.

 

No, he is not a pussy, and it doesn't matter. It is stupid to refer to him as such. I only used that word because my friend mentioned it. And it is her prerogative, not mine. She'll do what she wants to do.

 

NC all the way. I won't even go to parties I'm invited to. I will maintain a few mutual friends but only on my turf.

[shockandawed]

Hey Oppath,

 

I felel what you are going through. I think you are beating yourself up too hard about the email. You are correct, you didn't do anything out of normal breakup behavior. You were hurt and you reacted, so what?

 

I think she is throwing this at you strictly as a way to transfer guilt off of herself. I have that T-Shirt....

 

As hard as it is, you are best to stay away from her or any of her friends.

[oppath]

Who would react calmly to what I endured? I have beaten myself up over it. I'm never big on friendships with an ex but I did want one EVENTUALLY with her, but the blame has all been passed on to me, probably because she doesn't want to feel the guilt.

 

And it does hurt that she is so warm to her ex and wouldn't even acknowledge my apology. But that is in the past.

 

I've just had to deal with her friends, who were my friends, put the blame on me. She did the damage. She dumped me, asked to be **** buddies two weeks later, which she didn't apologize for when I told her off, and she was the one who lied to me. Why would I want her in my life at all? It's tough to explain. I don't feel she is a bad person.

 

The problem is her not accepting my apology...and her friends ostracizing me...I forgive her, and I do forgive myself, but I just feel this is one of those breakups where if I see her a year from now, I'll have a panic attack, but I know that could all be avoided if she had acknowledged my apology and we could admit we made mistakes and it was best to not be in contact for a while. I'm really scared I'm going to carry this with me far too long, and it's stupid.

[bridget_jones]

Hey Oppath,

 

I felel what you are going through. I think you are beating yourself up too hard about the email. You are correct, you didn't do anything out of normal breakup behavior. You were hurt and you reacted, so what?

 

I think she is throwing this at you strictly as a way to transfer guilt off of herself. I have that T-Shirt...."

 

Throwing what at him? She didn't throw the email thing back at him, from what he wrote, she's just kept her distance. She told her friends she feels he is psycho, but she was telling them that. She is the one already initiating no contact, she isn't aggressively showing any anger or drama about it back to him.

If she did tell him the one email is why she doesn't want to be friends, that is not 'throwing' it back at him. she just doesn't want to be around him or have contact and is saying I don't want contact.

Basically, Oppath, you are asking for this thing you want so much, accepting a formal apology about the email you wrote, her to apologize, etc. etc. on your terms, you feel you are owed these things by her, but she feels it's over and done with, what is the point of apologizing. Particularly do you want an apology? You already told her off after she asked you to be FWBs, I don't know why you expect more from her??? This is confusing to me.

[oppath]

This is the coping section. I'm still having a tough time coping with how she belittled me and lied to me. I have a tough time accepting she is warm towards her other ex. I don't feel what I did was immutable. We have mutual friends. It hurts that I've had to shoulder the blame for both of our mistakes.

 

Do I want an apology on my terms? I don't want her to supplicate herself. It would be nice if our paths were to cross we could be big about it and I think it is stupid she would be unwilling to do that. I'm struggling to cope. We both made mistakes. I'm struggling to cope with it, and I feel disappointment that things ended like this. I feel disappointed that someone I loved and who professed love for me would treat me as cold as she did and quite honestly, it confuses me. I am still coping.

 

Nothing in this post indicated I was going to contact her or seek resolution. I'm not. I just feel disappointed. I feel I reacted poorly to HER initial mistakes; do I want an apology? What I want is to be able to keep living my life since my social circle intersects hers. But for me to be comfortable with this, I feel I need some affirmation. I need to know there will be no hostility because there shouldn't be. Whatever damage I did to her is nothing compared to what she did to me. This doesn't make her a bad person but my sins are not objectively greater than hers.

 

I always wanted an eventual friendship many months down the line. I still would, and I'm disappointed I have to abandon my life because of her, and yes, I don't understand how I'm the one who burned the bridges, and why I didn't receive the same initial warmth her ex did. It's confusing and disappointing and I am struggling to cope with it. I am not going to contact her again and I am avoiding all situations with her closer friends. But I think it is stupid, quite honestly, that we can't be adults and admit to each other we both screwed up but there should be no reason for no hard feelings.

 

I really feel she never responded to my apologies to make me feel bad. That too, disappoints me and I struggle to cope.

 

Really, the issue is letting go of my expectation that somehow, my relationships should end on good terms. This one initially did, until she asked for FWB! That was so far out of line I feel no remorse for my response. The worse I called her was selfish. And yes, I was shocked not to receive an apology. I was demonstrably hurt. In fact, my initial brief "no" was met with "I was just joking." She burned that bridge. Now, I reacted strongly later, inappropriately, but it happens under the circumstances: I was lied to and felt viscously hurt and betrayed. The whole thing turned to ****! I've accepted my blame in this but I haven't accepted that it IS OK for some relationships to end on bad terms, and it IS OK to burn bridges, and it IS OK to cut someone from my life. These things are ok but it didn't have to be this way and honestly, it's not fair that I've shouldered all the blame. Life and love aren't fair, but none of this is a big deal. I should be able to see my friends, but I'm not welcome, and that is not an internal feeling.

 

Really, why would I want her in my life at all? She belittled me and lied to me (in addition to dumping me) before I did or said anything in reaction to her. Coping with this, however, is still tough. I do feel she is a good person despite what she put me through, we have mutual friends, and I struggle to cope with the fact there is NOTHING I CAN DO TO MAKE AMENDS. If she wanted to, she would, but it sucks that she's not a big enough person to acknowledge me. I struggle t deal with these emotions and sense of loss as well as my own shame and embarrassment.

[oppath]

Insight: you know, I've beaten myself up about all of this for 6 weeks now.

 

No more. My mean email, my threat....I would have been justified in telling her ex about me when I learned of that information, considering I dated her for 6 months and he didn't know she had a boyfriend. My bad for being a patsy and not putting my foot down more fully. But I honestly feel I would have been justified in actually telling him she had a boyfriend that entire time. however, I did not act on that. I did not act because the relationship was over and I saw no need to hurt someone out of vengeance.

 

I didn't overreact at all. I didn't cross lines or burn bridges. I reacted as a heartbroken man would to some crazy stuff. I really feel it would have been within my rights at that moment to tell her ex about me. I chose not to. You can disagree with that all you want, it would certainly appear undignified and petty, but I wouldn't criticize someone in the same situation doing it. In fact, if I had a female friend in my ex gf's position and she pulled all that **** on a guy, I wouldn't fault the guy at all for it. I'd say "you made your bed, you lie in it. You're my friend but these are the consequences to your actions."

 

I'm done with this now. I want nothing to do with her and her friends. I don't need acknowledgment of my apology. I don't need affirmation. Her friends because she told them "don't tell [me] this happened" when they were sort of my friends too. If they were worth a thought they would have told her "you need to tell him that yourself. He's a good guy and deserves the truth." That is what I would say to a friend in that situation. "If you have to tell us not to tell him," I would say, "it means it is something you should have told him yourself."

 

I don't need any of them in my life They are not that cool. I'm not saying they are bad people; my ex isn't a bad person either. But I deserve better people in my life than them.

 

Furthermore, I would have been justified, when she asked for friends with benefits, to have her come over, let her perform oral on me, and then kick her out and tell her to never talk to me again. I didn't do those things because I am not that petty, but I wouldn't fault someone else for doing them in a similar situation. It's time to toughen up and not remember my ex as a bitch, but to realize I deserve better than her and her friends could possibly offer me.

[checker]

Oh my, how blind you are. When I read the title to your post I thought "yeah, a bit of entertainment. Lets read about how some girl tried a bunch of ***** and he put her ass in check."

 

Oh dear. You look down on that guy? Sir, it is *you* that is the pussy. It is *you* that she has hanging on a string ready to jump even a year later if it will only mean you are allowed to be her friend again. It is *you* who was too much of a pussy to stop her going off and screwing her ex (yeeeesss, thats right...) while the two of you were together. Dont pretend to yourself you let her. You expressed your "displeasure" after all. Its just she told you how it will be and you took it. And come on, she wasnt screwing him? She isnt screwing him now? How can you breath with your head so deep in the sand? Yet she wanted to be FWB with you because you are just such a stud, right? OMG shes got you both owned so hard. Grow some balls please and dont ever call her or see her again. Dont answer her calls. Dont ask mutual friends about her. Pretend she doesnt exist. Find someone else and this time stand up for whats right. (That means the girl doesnt go off for nights alone with her ex.) No need to thank me; youre very welcome. kthxbye

[oppath]

Have I asked about her? No, we have some mutual friends. I am avoiding places I will see them and I ask to change the subject. I've already made those decisions.

 

In all fairness, no, she was not screwing with him sexually. She is still not. They are not back together.

 

And, it was wrong for me to call her ex a pussy. It's pretty silly and immature.

 

As for me being a pussy, not during the relationship. After the fact yes, but only because I couldn't cope with depression and a breakup simultaneously.

 

Actually, checker, I appreciate your post from a motivational standpoint. I was very assertive in this relationship. I was not passive nor was I a doormat. People learn from relationships, and I hadn't been in this type of situation before. I have balls. What I can take away from this is I am allowed to express displeasure, but in the future, if my gf doesn't meet me halfway towards my expectations, I will walk away. I won't ever be in this situation again.

 

And please understand, most of my pussy guilt wouldn't exist if I weren't otherwise depressed outside of the breakup. Being depressed I irrationally feel I need some external validation.

 

No, I don't want to be her friend. If she were to contact me for any reason, I wouldn't respond. I would feel better if she were to apologize, but she's not going to, because that's the type of person she is. What I would like is to not give up my social circles because of her.

 

She asked for FWB because I am a stud in bed. 13 times in a day stud. Creative. We had lots of sex. Incredible sex. Yes, she wanted me sexually even after she dumped me. I don't feel bad for telling her to go **** herself.

 

You are right, though, next time I will have some balls. This experience doesn't mean I didn't, it just means I didn't teabag her when I should have.