Success Stories?

[RitaJoe]

Well hello,

Athough this is my first post I have read quite a few of the previous posts to see what these boards are like. Also, to see if theres anyone in the same situations as I. I'm not sure as to whether or not I'm asking for advice, or just trying to get my story heard, as I have a verry little amount of people I can confide in.

I've been seeing a MM for the passed 2 years. I met him online, and go see him every 2-3 months for about a week. He's currently back in school so he tells his wife that the trip has something to do with his school.

Although I only see this man a handfull of times a year, I love him like I've loved no one else. He's deffintly the greatest thing that's happend to me and is the most kind, careing, gentle, passionate man I've ever met. You name it, he's it. I know I know theres more fish in the sea. But I'm convinced and so sure hes the one for me. Anyways, He has been married to his now wife for 20 years, but claims that it hasn't been working out for the passed 5 to 6 years. And the only reason he is still there, is for the kids. ( I know they all say its for the kids). But in his defence, his mother abandonded him at age 12 and he was left to live on the streets alone till he was 18 or so when his grandparents took him in. So he doesn't want to leave his kids in a messed up family like he had/has. Also, his daughter just had life threatning surgery, and his W has to be there with her all day every day for a couple more weeks. Meaning she can't work or support herself. There are other reasons why he hasn't pushed a divorce yet as well.

He constantly tells her that they are getting a divorce and she knows it's coming. She told him that she will not sign the papers unless he stays in contact with her and after he gets his space and moves out they will try to work things out and maybe sparks will fly sort of thing. Obviously he has plans with me in his future, but he tells her okay so he can have his devorce finalized. This is to happen in a couple of weeks after his daughter ( who lives with them seeing as though shes only 14) recovers. Then he is going to move to an apartnment and live there. Leaving the children to decide who they want to live with.

I got these facts stated above, not only from my MM, but from his co-workers and friends as well, so it's not soley his side of the story.

I guess I just want to know if theres anyone in a similar situation, or if there are any success stories in the "other woman" relationships. I feel deep down that our relationship will prevail. I'm not afraid of once a cheater always a cheater, or anything like that. For, I beleive him, he is truthfull. He is in a very unhealthy relationship.

Thanks for any replies, sorry for the long post.

Oh, I forgot to mention I am not the reason for the break in their relationship, nor do I push him into moving out or anything like that. I want him to get away from his marriage for him, no one else.

thanks again

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I feel deep down that our relationship will prevail. I'm not afraid of once a cheater always a cheater, or anything like that. For, I beleive him, he is truthfull. He is in a very unhealthy relationship.

 

Then you have nothing to worry about.

[puddleofmud]

Welcome!

All you can do is wait and see what happens...hope it works out well for all and that the child heals and is well.

Best wishes to you!

[sadbuttrue]

hey rita, i hope everything works out for you the way you want. there are a few success stories on here, if you can call it that. mostly there is a lot of pain and tears shared here. my MM has also said he can not leave because of the kids. it is very common. good luck to you.

[amerikajin]

He constantly tells her that they are getting a divorce and she knows it's coming. She told him that she will not sign the papers unless he stays in contact with her and after he gets his space and moves out they will try to work things out and maybe sparks will fly sort of thing. Obviously he has plans with me in his future, but he tells her okay so he can have his devorce finalized. This is to happen in a couple of weeks after his daughter ( who lives with them seeing as though shes only 14) recovers. Then he is going to move to an apartnment and live there. Leaving the children to decide who they want to live with.

 

I don't care what you think you know about them, you don't know enough. He claims that his wife knows the divorce is coming...does he know that you're already waiting to take her place? I doubt it.

 

I'm not on a high horse or anything. I don't demonize people who engage in adultery, but the fact is that when a guy is cheating on his wife, you have to understand what's happening. Read the countless numbers of threads on this site in which a man claims that he's going to leave his wife for his lover, only to get cold feet or end up divorcing but "needing a break" from relationships. He may like you, he may even love you on some level, but looking for a future with this guy is not a good idea. After all, he's married.

 

I got these facts stated above, not only from my MM, but from his co-workers and friends as well, so it's not soley his side of the story. I guess I just want to know if theres anyone in a similar situation, or if there are any success stories in the "other woman" relationships. I feel deep down that our relationship will prevail. I'm not afraid of once a cheater always a cheater, or anything like that. For, I beleive him, he is truthfull. He is in a very unhealthy relationship.

Thanks for any replies, sorry for the long post.

Oh, I forgot to mention I am not the reason for the break in their relationship, nor do I push him into moving out or anything like that. I want him to get away from his marriage for him, no one else.

thanks again

 

I think you're wasting your time, but nothing I say or do will convince you otherwise. Just be prepared.

[bridget_jones]

All I can say is I hope his wife gets a good lawyer and the kids are well taken care of with child support and she gets a great piece of alimony for the rest of her life. Hopefully she does get a good lawyer and not just settles for the minimum child support the state requires for his salary. I also hope his wife understands all of his assets financially and has been doing her research into what everything is worth so she and the kids get what they deserve.

[sb129]

My exMM left his wife and child for me eventually...

 

and the R went down the toilet pretty quickly, because surprise surprise he brought ALOT of baggage to the R that he refused to acknowledge and therefore couldn't deal with. Coupled with the fact that once the thrill and illicitness of the affair was over I realised we actually weren't compatible. Not to mention that there was very little trust (surprisingly). The R was doomed from the start.

I would never EVER go out with a MM again.

 

The practicalities of a divorce are very very stressful, and most people embarking on one have no idea how much it can affect them.

 

Be careful what you wish for, it may not turn out as you imagine it.

[sb129]

. I want him to get away from his marriage for him, no one else.

Can you honestly HONESTLY say that?

 

So you wouldn't mind if he left his wife, and didn't get together with you either?

 

Come on RitaJoe, you have to admit you want him to leave for YOU too.

[overandout]

My exMM left his wife and child for me eventually...

 

and the R went down the toilet pretty quickly, because surprise surprise he brought ALOT of baggage to the R that he refused to acknowledge and therefore couldn't deal with. Coupled with the fact that once the thrill and illicitness of the affair was over I realised we actually weren't compatible. Not to mention that there was very little trust (surprisingly). The R was doomed from the start.

I would never EVER go out with a MM again.

 

The practicalities of a divorce are very very stressful, and most people embarking on one have no idea how much it can affect them.

 

Be careful what you wish for, it may not turn out as you imagine it.

 

 

HI,

Sorry it didn't work out for you.

Would you have been happier if it had remained an affair or were you not prepared to be the OW for ever?

[Seen_It_All]

He's deffintly the greatest thing that's happend to me and is the most kind, careing, gentle, passionate man I've ever met.

That's actually kind of sad that a lying cheater is the 'best thing' that's ever happened to you, and I sincerely mean that.

 

But I'm confused - first you say this:

 

And the only reason he is still there, is for the kids. ( I know they all say its for the kids). But in his defence, his mother abandonded him at age 12 and he was left to live on the streets alone till he was 18 or so when his grandparents took him in. So he doesn't want to leave his kids in a messed up family like he had/has.

 

So we get the drama of him being a street orphan at 12 (a little hard to believe unless he lived in Hell's Kitchen, NYC). And you write about him falling on the sword for his kids by NOT leaving this oh-so-horrible marriage so the kids don't have to deal with a broken family.

 

But then it's followed by this:

 

He constantly tells her that they are getting a divorce and she knows it's coming.

So which is it? I'm confused. He doesn't want to inflict a divorce on his kids because of his orphan 'tragedy' at 12, but in the next sentence, you're claiming he's constantly telling his wife a divorce is on the horizon.

 

This is to happen in a couple of weeks after his daughter ( who lives with them seeing as though shes only 14) recovers.

So, his daughter just had life saving surgery and he's just waiting for her to improve - then he's out the door? Give this man a Father-of-the-Year award. Wonder what excuse will come after this one that will prevent his leaving?

 

I'm not afraid of once a cheater always a cheater, or anything like that. For, I beleive him, he is truthfull.

I'm sure his wife believed he was truthful when he was LYING to her every single day and night about being a loyal husband when he was out getting his jollies and telling her it was 'school related.' You'd better re-think your opinion of 'once a cheater always a cheater' not being true. Cheating was how he dealt with a bad marriage. That was his solution - to cheat. So when you win this paragon of virtue and YOU guys hit a rough patch, don't be surprised when he uses his age-old solution on YOU as well.

[2sunny]

I don't care what you think you know about them, you don't know enough. He claims that his wife knows the divorce is coming...does he know that you're already waiting to take her place? I doubt it.

 

I'm not on a high horse or anything. I don't demonize people who engage in adultery, but the fact is that when a guy is cheating on his wife, you have to understand what's happening. Read the countless numbers of threads on this site in which a man claims that he's going to leave his wife for his lover, only to get cold feet or end up divorcing but "needing a break" from relationships. He may like you, he may even love you on some level, but looking for a future with this guy is not a good idea. After all, he's married.

 

 

 

I think you're wasting your time, but nothing I say or do will convince you otherwise. Just be prepared.

 

I agree with this!

 

My marriage of 20 years ended when I found out about the second infidelity on his part.

 

He had his little girlfriend and had no intention of leaving me and our perfect life. Yep, great -amazing sex every day, awesome meals - I am a gourmet cook, a happy and upbeat home - i prided myself on never nagging him, and he seemed to be a great hubby.

 

Sometimes a perfect life is still not ever enough for some folks.

 

I feel relieved that I know the truth - and sad that the one person in life that was supposed to love me the most - betrayed me at the highest level.

 

You can choose to believe whatever he tells you and his friends... but I bet $100.00 it's not anywhere near the truth.

 

He will tell you anything he wants you to hear so that you will continue on with him!

 

Good luck to you.

[sb129]

HI,

Sorry it didn't work out for you.

Would you have been happier if it had remained an affair or were you not prepared to be the OW for ever?

 

If it had remained an affair I would have left much sooner than I did!!!!

I told him that I was too good to be someones bit on the side.

 

Don't be sorry- it didn't work out because ultimately he was a controlling manipulative dishonest b*stard! he fit the classic profile of MM with baggage, with a (un)healthy dose of narcissistic traits to boot. I am well rid of him!

 

I have met the man of my dreams now, and going thru all that rubbish before has helped me to appreciate how amazing he is.

[RitaJoe]

First of all thanks for all the "advice."

Second, to americajin, yes he does know I'm "taking her place" hes the one that suggested it. And your probably right, nothing you do or say will convince me that he's not what i know he is.

To bridgetjones, he is giving his wife everything, the house thats already paid off, he just bought her a brand new car so she will be able to take the kids back and forth wherever they need to go. She will no doubt get a fair share of what she deserves. He's not walking out on them and leaving them to fend for themselves.

sb129 of course i'd mind if he never left his wife, I want to be able to call him mine one day. BUt mostly I do want him to get out of that relationship for himself.

 

Seen_it_all, he was a street orphan till 18, i'm sure it's hard to beleive if you've never been in the situation. And yes it was in New york that he lived. Also, the kids thing, thats why its taking him so long to leave. They are 14 and 16 now, and he feels they can cope with it better at this age. I'm assuming so anyways. If he is lying like the majority of the posters feel, then I guess I'll have to find out the hard way and come back to all the I told you so's. Until then I'm willing to stay in the relationship because I beleive and almost know that it will work out. Also, if it does end, I wouldn't regret a minute of it.

Sunny, heh I'll take you on that bet.

Thanks to those with with all the positive feedback as well. It's nice to hear some success stories

[sb129]

Thanks to those with with all the positive feedback as well. It's nice to hear some success stories

 

What success stories? Mine? Mine was hardly a "success", although if by success you mean he left his W then i guess it was of sorts.

 

I don't wish you any ill, but please be prepared for a rough ride.

Divorce is stressful and painful, and it WILL affect your R with your MM.

You may feel at the end of it all that he wasn't worth the trouble- the grass can somehow lose its greenness when the fence is taken away.

 

Also, once you get your MM all to yourself, don't be surprised if there isn't 100% trust... and its very difficult to have a good solid R without that.

Seen_it_alls words are very wise here.

 

I'm sure his wife believed he was truthful when he was LYING to her every single day and night about being a loyal husband when he was out getting his jollies and telling her it was 'school related.' You'd better re-think your opinion of 'once a cheater always a cheater' not being true. Cheating was how he dealt with a bad marriage. That was his solution - to cheat. So when you win this paragon of virtue and YOU guys hit a rough patch, don't be surprised when he uses his age-old solution on YOU as well.

 

Good luck anyway, you will need it!

[SoleMate]

RitaJoe, I believe that if you really listen to the voices inside your head, you will know the truth about your relationship. Why else would you be posting here? You want to argue with those voices because they're getting pretty loud.

 

BTW, I recommend that every person stuck in a destructive r/s (and to me, MM/OW is a destructive r/s by definition) get themselves evaluated for depression and start making some lifestyle changes to improve their mood, especially exercise and seeking more (platonic) social connections.