lorr Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I strongly disagree. This marriage may very well be worth saving...have you considered that Frances's husband truly does believe he's done nothing wrong? We all know he has, but he might really and truly in his heart not realize that he has. He needs counseling to learn how deeply he's hurt his wife, and once he knows that, I have a feeling the remorse will come. Frances, you need to get into couples therapy ASAP. Don't wait for the weddings. It's easy for people to say you should just get divorced, but divorce is hard, and starting over in mid-life is no cake-walk. Were you happy, or at least content with your husband before all of this? If you were, it's worth saving, if not, then maybe this is just the impetus to leave. Don't do anything you may regret. I'm not disputing that the marriage can't be saved, but only if the both of them truly believe that its worth saving. It doesn't bode well when he refuses to accompany her to counselling or even admit that what he did was unacceptable. For the past 11 years his main focus has been the OW, and I'm wondering where his wife fitted in, in all of this. Why should she be the one doing all of the legwork, when he's more than capable of meeting her halfway?
silktricks Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 I'm not disputing that the marriage can't be saved, but only if the both of them truly believe that its worth saving. It doesn't bode well when he refuses to accompany her to counselling or even admit that what he did was unacceptable. Sorry, but you don't know that they don't both believe it's worth saving. And MANY people who have emotional affairs refuse to believe that what they did was unacceptable. There are a lot of ways to avoid intimacy, an emotional affair is one. Burying oneself in work is another. A person who does either is usually not willing to accept that they are purposely creating distance between themself and their spouse. For the past 11 years his main focus has been the OW, and I'm wondering where his wife fitted in, in all of this. Why should she be the one doing all of the legwork, when he's more than capable of meeting her halfway? First, you don't know if his main focus has been the OW. It's probable that is not the case. Certainly SOME of his focus has been the OW, but don't assume what you don't know. Second, the BS is often if not usually the one who is doing the legwork in the beginning. Usually the WS is the one who oddly enough needs to learn just how important the relationship is. After the WS realizes that they ARE important to the BS is when they start doing the work. It sucks, but unfortunately, that's the way it seems to work. Quite often the A begins because the WS has convinced themself that the BS no longer loves them, no longer finds them important, etc. It doesn't matter if that's the truth, it only matters that's what's in their heads.
lorr Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Eh who's assuming anything? She clearly states that he refuses to go to therapy. Are you trying to say that she has to wait until WS has a lightbulb moment, just to realise how important the relationship is? Frances I wish you luck, I'm out....
Impudent Oyster Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 For the past 11 years his main focus has been the OW, and I'm wondering where his wife fitted in, in all of this. Where do you get that from? It doesn't appear to me that the OW has been the main focus, I was under the impression that she lives in another country and he barely saw her. To me it seems that she was just a boost to his ego, a flirtation, nothing more, certainly not the "main focus"! At any rate, perhaps the husband doesn't understand how serious this is. Frances needs to tell him that counseling isn't an option, it's a requirement if he wants to save the marriage.
Author Frances Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 Where do you get that from? It doesn't appear to me that the OW has been the main focus, I was under the impression that she lives in another country and he barely saw her. To me it seems that she was just a boost to his ego, a flirtation, nothing more, certainly not the "main focus"! Yes the OW lives in another country. Us in Europe and she in the US. The OW would only be a small part of his life. His main focus would be his work and his kids. He is a scientist so he spends alot of time working problems out, but will not spend enough time to work out problems in our marriage. Going to counseling is difficult because we live in a small town. I intend going to counseling when I visit my sisters on a regular bases. Ironically one of my sisters is a counseller but I will not discuss it with her. I am doing the best I can to make sure I am okay and at least now he knows how hurt I am and is making a big effort to be nice to me. I feel that if I keep banging on about it will make life difficult for all the family and the weddings are begining to cause their own stress which I am keeping out of. Funny when you are dealing with something big in your life other things seem not worth getting worked up over and are not such a big deal. I think I can manage to keep going until after the weddings and then I can afford to let it all out without having to consider the kids. Thanks for all the input, it is helping me to get things out instead of burying them inside me.
Bobster999 Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 I truly believe that everyone is making a mountain out of a molehill.
Guest Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 I truly believe that everyone is making a mountain out of a molehill. If you think having a close relationship with some one of the opposite sex for 11 years and keeping it a secret is a molehill you must have a funny idea what a marriage is about.
Author Frances Posted April 6, 2007 Author Posted April 6, 2007 I truly believe that everyone is making a mountain out of a molehill. I wish it was a molehill. I would be able to sleep at night and not have it going round in my head. It was an affair even though there was nothing physical. It took from our marriage even though I did not know about it at the time. It robbed me of my peace of mind as I could feel the distant between us which also robbed my kids of a more contented mother.
Impudent Oyster Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 It was an affair even though there was nothing physical. It took from our marriage even though I did not know about it at the time. It robbed me of my peace of mind as I could feel the distant between us which also robbed my kids of a more contented mother. I agree Frances. An emotional affair is every bit as damaging as a sexual affair, and in my opinion as well as many woman's, it's even more so. Sex can be meaningless, I can honestly say I wouldn't be nearly as bothered by a one-night stand or a trip to a prostitute as I would by my husband being emotionally involved with another woman.
silktricks Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 I wish it was a molehill. I would be able to sleep at night and not have it going round in my head. It isn't a molehill, because it isn't a molehill for you. It was an affair even though there was nothing physical. It took from our marriage even though I did not know about it at the time. It robbed me of my peace of mind as I could feel the distant between us which also robbed my kids of a more contented mother. Frances, an EA - a secret friendship - because that's what it truly is, is a very painful thing to find out about. However, be wary of investing more in it than it actually was. Distance between two partners can be the result of many things, and often is simply the result of personalities. Many people, especially those who are in very demanding lines of work as I believe you stated your husband is, simply distance themselves from others. They live mostly in their heads and as a result have much more difficulty on the emotional plane where many of us like to exist. It sounds to me like you might be beginning to magnify this beyond the level of reality. Having been in your situation, I can tell you that it's bad enough without investing the situation with even greater depth. You can say that it has now robbed you of your peace of mind, but I really don't believe that you can say it robbed you of your peace of mind before you knew about it. Your life may have been no more contented had your husband never had this secret friendship. Be careful of attempting to go back into the past and blaming everything that you found dissatisfaction with on this relationship your husband had. It's quite possible that one had nothing to do with the other. Take care.
Author Frances Posted April 9, 2007 Author Posted April 9, 2007 They live mostly in their heads and as a result have much more difficulty on the emotional plane where many of us like to exist. I believe he does have difficulty with showing his emotions a lot of the time You can say that it has now robbed you of your peace of mind, but I really don't believe that you can say it robbed you of your peace of mind before you knew about it. He robbed of my peace of mind during the EA because I could feel the distance he created between us. I suspected he was having an affair but because they only met up a few times during the years I could find no evidence. During those years he started to criticise and find fault with me over stupid things. Your life may have been no more contented had your husband never had this secret friendship. Be careful of attempting to go back into the past and blaming everything that you found dissatisfaction with on this relationship your husband had. It's quite possible that one had nothing to do with the other. If my h had not invested so much time and effort into his fantasy relationship he could have given the time to ours. We had a lot of kids together which can make things difficult enough for a couple without one partner escaping into another dream world and not facing up to what is happening at home. Even now he will not accept that he has had an affair. Our children are all adults now so we are able to have more time for each other also financially we are in a far better position for me to accompany him when he goes abroad now. It has just dawned on me while writing this, that he finished this EA two years ago when things had gotten easier for us. Perhaps he no longer needed his fantasy world. He should have had more sense and deleted his mail and he might have gotten away with it as I would have put the past years down to stress and the male menopause. Thanks for making me think.
silktricks Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 is that maybe he really didn't invest that much of himself in the fantasy, that maybe his attitude would have been pretty much the same as it was anyway. Maybe the whole reason for the fantasy was simply that he couldn't cope with real life. Fantasy is waaayyyy easier. It probably wasn't at all that he didn't love you, but, let's face it, an almost imaginary person that lives halfway around the world simply doesn't take the energy that a real life wife and real life kids do. It's an escape, kinda like going to a movie, but that you get to pretend is all yours. . . Real life is messy. Fantasy is pure and clean and totally UNREAL!!! Best to you.
Author Frances Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 is that maybe he really didn't invest that much of himself in the fantasy, that maybe his attitude would have been pretty much the same as it was anyway. Maybe the whole reason for the fantasy was simply that he couldn't cope with real life. Fantasy is waaayyyy easier. It probably wasn't at all that he didn't love you, but, let's face it, an almost imaginary person that lives halfway around the world simply doesn't take the energy that a real life wife and real life kids do. It's an escape, kinda like going to a movie, but that you get to pretend is all yours. . . Real life is messy. Fantasy is pure and clean and totally UNREAL!!! Best to you. I think you are right. I am getting stronger by the day. Maybe I need to live in that fantasy world for a while. At least until I can either accept whats happened or have the guts and strength to deal with him on a level playing pitch. Thanks again
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