how can you recover from an 11 year emotional affair

[Frances]

I would highly suggest marriage counseling. Sounds like your communication in your marriage from both of you were severly lacking. Though what he did was wrong, I can guarnatee in those 11 years that you were not perfect as well.

 

Though he should have been confiding in you with the things he was telling her, the lack of communication between you caused this to happen.

 

There is something 'missing' in your marriage. That bond that you two once had. It's upto you both now to determine to find the cause of this and either fix it or leave. However you can't fix this on your own, you'll need someone who can help you two through this.

 

 

 

I agree with all you have said. I wanted to go to marriage counseling years ago. Six years ago even though I did not know of the OW I knew something was really wrong and tried to get him to agree to go. I had felt for a long time before that things where not right but could not get him to talk about it. He is a person who likes to control things. Our sons consider him a control freak. All this distance between us came after he had a big promotion and some legal difficulties with the job which took over 4 years to sort out. I took over more of the responsibilty at home and thought I was taking some of the pressure off him. Because of looking after the kids I could not acompany him to these conferences. With hindsight it would have been better if we either went together or that he did not go at all.

 

My feeling is that when he broke off the emotional affair in 2005 he had decided to try and fix up things with us. As I knew nothing about the OW this was without telling me anything. I am not saying he is a dreadful person and that I am a saint. He thinks we are okay and there is no need to work this out. He has never been a person who talks alot.

[Groovy]

34 years is a very long time and obviously you two have a lot shared together, so I disagree with Lorr who implies you are being a "mug" and sticking around disrespecting yourself. I'm sure you two have a love for each other and I'd hate to see so many years together ruined over a period of bad judgement. I believe we all get tempted even when we are with people we love and desire.

 

I would get counseling for something this large. I agree with the poster who said you will not get over it, nor do you need to forgive him. But you do need to reach terms of acceptance so you can go on with your life and you will need to ask for his help in doing that. I'm sure if he cares he will do whatever he needs to to make things happy for the two of you again.

[Frances]

The weather here has been really good lately so I am walking the feet off myself trying to figure out how to approach him about this whole affair. i do not want it turning into a slagging match. I tried on Sunday night but our y son asked us to watch a film with him just as I had said about have a talk.

Can anyone suggest another way of approaching this without saying "I want to talk". I know that that sentence send shivers down most mens backs.

 

I went out last night and it was too late when I came back to start talking. I will not get a chance until Friday now as he is always tired in the evenings and I will get the usual can this not wait for another time and of course another time never comes. My y son is away this weekend and the other one is usualy out so this might be a good time.

 

 

I wonder why one day I think I will try and work on the marriage and the next I am working out ways to get revenge and leave.

 

Being on this forum seems to have helped me in someway as I feel free to talk about it.

[lorr]

The weather here has been really good lately so I am walking the feet off myself trying to figure out how to approach him about this whole affair. i do not want it turning into a slagging match. I tried on Sunday night but our y son asked us to watch a film with him just as I had said about have a talk.

Can anyone suggest another way of approaching this without saying "I want to talk". I know that that sentence send shivers down most mens backs.

 

I went out last night and it was too late when I came back to start talking. I will not get a chance until Friday now as he is always tired in the evenings and I will get the usual can this not wait for another time and of course another time never comes. My y son is away this weekend and the other one is usualy out so this might be a good time.

 

 

I wonder why one day I think I will try and work on the marriage and the next I am working out ways to get revenge and leave.

 

Being on this forum seems to have helped me in someway as I feel free to talk about it.

 

If your husband wants to wholeheartedly work this marriage out, then regardless of whether he's tired or not,wouldn't he be more than willing to have it out with you?

 

From what you've just posted he seems quite reluctant to have the discussion with you, even though your keen to.

Are you even sure that he wants to stay in the marriage?

[lorr]

34 years is a very long time and obviously you two have a lot shared together, so I disagree with Lorr who implies you are being a "mug" and sticking around disrespecting yourself. I'm sure you two have a love for each other and I'd hate to see so many years together ruined over a period of bad judgement. I believe we all get tempted even when we are with people we love and desire.

 

I would get counseling for something this large. I agree with the poster who said you will not get over it, nor do you need to forgive him. But you do need to reach terms of acceptance so you can go on with your life and you will need to ask for his help in doing that. I'm sure if he cares he will do whatever he needs to to make things happy for the two of you again.

 

I appreciate your comments, but I still do think that her husband took her for a mug for those 11 years.I agree that people do get tempted from time to time but it doesn't mean that its okay to act upon it.

 

Personally I wouldn't stick around, as the thought of my husband going outside the marriage would be a dealbreaker for me.

 

On the other hand I believe that some couples can survive infidelity if they BOTH honestly think the relationship is worth it and that the guilty person is prepared to do everything it takes to win back their love and trust.

[jmargel]

IMO the best thing you can do is write a letter. Let all of your feelings out in this and what you expect to happen if he wants to stay in this marriage. Don't hold back in this letter either. Then simply give it to him and walk away.

 

In this letter I would give him the ultamatium of marriage counseling, that this will not just 'blow over'. That you two have been having problems for too long now and if he doesn't want to truly work on it then it's time that you move on.

 

I would suggest doing this over the 'talk' first, since as you say he will either blow you off or become defensive. Giving him the letter shows him how serious you are and it allows you to get everything out before he interrupts.

[outofdarkness]

The weather here has been really good lately so I am walking the feet off myself trying to figure out how to approach him about this whole affair. i do not want it turning into a slagging match. I tried on Sunday night but our y son asked us to watch a film with him just as I had said about have a talk.

Can anyone suggest another way of approaching this without saying "I want to talk". I know that that sentence send shivers down most mens backs.

 

I went out last night and it was too late when I came back to start talking. I will not get a chance until Friday now as he is always tired in the evenings and I will get the usual can this not wait for another time and of course another time never comes. My y son is away this weekend and the other one is usualy out so this might be a good time.

 

 

I wonder why one day I think I will try and work on the marriage and the next I am working out ways to get revenge and leave.

 

Being on this forum seems to have helped me in someway as I feel free to talk about it.

You know him best, so only you can be the judge about how/when is the best time to approach him. W/ my H, I watch, wait and listen sometimes for days before I really feel comfortable approaching him about sensitive subjects..Especially his cheating ways. It's just not worth it to bring it up at the wrong time/place and risk him not responding in a respectful way or not responding at all...The we are both left w/ a bad taste and it takes double the time to find the right time to bring it up again. I CAN tell you the wrong times to ask and those would be when he is tired, hungry, stressed about work, stressed about something going on w/ one of the kids, during yard work, just before bed, right when you get up; they want sex, not serious talk, and MOST importantly...When he is at work! At least these are true w/ my H. Now, if I do bring something up during one of these times, he'll still be respectful, but I won't really get any satisfaction or answers...

 

When you do find the right time and place, you might try starting the conversation with just some lighthearted thoughts, then lead into it...Then you two can sort of relax a bit and the conversation might not be as tense. Hope these suggestions help.. I know they don't work for everyone, but if they help one person, then I'll try...I am NOT an expert on marriage...Just had to throw that out there...

[Frances]

I sent him two emails a few months explaining how I felt but he just said what was all that about. He really does not accept that he has an affair. My h has been happier in the last few months because he has had a weight lifted off his shoulders by his secret being out. For me its different, I am not happier but it does explain things that have occurred over the years.

 

I do not think I mentioned he is also a work alcoholic. This is not something new; he has always been like that. If something is going on in his head he will work on it until he sorts it out, or accepts that it cannot be done. I have always left him to it and not bothered him with lots of day to day things. He at other times would take time out and spend it with the family, he has never neglected the kids and generally he has a good relationship with them. He has always expected me to understand the way he works and I have most of the time. The fact that he has always been so helpful to other people at my expense NOW annoys me which it didn’t in the past. This is how he became involved with the OW in the first place.

 

Tonight I was talking on the phone with a friend that knows my h very well. She was with me the night I met him. She is the only person I have told about the affair until I came on the forum. Her opinion is that if he had had sex with this OW then our marriage would be truly over. She thinks I have no choice but to wait until after the weddings before tackling him about how he has hurt me and what we can do about it. She lives overseas but will be at both weddings which will be a help.

 

Reading what I have said makes me realize I have been a fool all these years and have let him have way far too much. I would not have considered myself a doormat but now I am not so sure.

[outofdarkness]

I sent him two emails a few months explaining how I felt but he just said what was all that about. He really does not accept that he has an affair. My h has been happier in the last few months because he has had a weight lifted off his shoulders by his secret being out. For me its different, I am not happier but it does explain things that have occurred over the years.

 

I do not think I mentioned he is also a work alcoholic. This is not something new; he has always been like that. If something is going on in his head he will work on it until he sorts it out, or accepts that it cannot be done. I have always left him to it and not bothered him with lots of day to day things. He at other times would take time out and spend it with the family, he has never neglected the kids and generally he has a good relationship with them. He has always expected me to understand the way he works and I have most of the time. The fact that he has always been so helpful to other people at my expense NOW annoys me which it didn’t in the past. This is how he became involved with the OW in the first place.

 

Tonight I was talking on the phone with a friend that knows my h very well. She was with me the night I met him. She is the only person I have told about the affair until I came on the forum. Her opinion is that if he had had sex with this OW then our marriage would be truly over. She thinks I have no choice but to wait until after the weddings before tackling him about how he has hurt me and what we can do about it. She lives overseas but will be at both weddings which will be a help.

 

Reading what I have said makes me realize I have been a fool all these years and have let him have way far too much. I would not have considered myself a doormat but now I am not so sure.

I CAN tell you definitively NOT to put anything in writing! He can, and if he does, save it, but YOU don't e mail or write anything. You don't ever know what can happen in a Marriage..I learned the hard way not to put anything in writing. I NEVER e mail my H anymore unless they are insignificant and short. Anything that goes in the comp. is stuck there forever. It can always, some way, some how...be retrieved...

 

My H too, has always been a "workaholic"..Trouble is, after D day, I realized that much of the "working" that he was supposedly doing, was NOT work, if you know what I mean...Not insinuating that this is the case w/ your H, just sharing my experience. Being irritated about him being so "helpful" to others is understandable. Men can be so stupid. First they are just standing there trying to do something nice for someone, and the next thing they know...POOF, they're in an A...Not blaming only the OW, just saying that men done generally feel the feelings first like Women do...AND, if a Woman gets close to a MM and senses that things at home are going poorly, it's a whole lot easier to jump in and start the A w/ out feeling so horrible about it. As I said before, the problem is, you don't always know for sure that he's being honest w/ you, and that things ARE bad. I know there are exceptions to this rule, but for the most part, they lie to OW like they lie to us...

 

Lastly, I do not think you should think of yourself as any body's doormat! You weren't the one who had the A...Mabey there were some problems w/ the M, but there is never an excuse to stray outside the M...NEVER...

 

I'm glad that you have such a good friend to confide in who knows both of you. This will be very comforting and helpful to you. Lean on her for support and keep coming back to LS. I will be thinking of you...

[Frances]

I know what you mean about the work not always being work. He now has a study at home since some of the kids moved out, so I know now when he is working at home which I must say is a lot of the time. He does not go into his office at night now which he did in the past. Because the OW is 5000 miles away it was hard for me to believe he was having an affair but now I realize that sometimes when he went into his office at night he was phoning her. None of the phone calls appeared on our home bill. There is also the time difference. Now that I read his work email as well as his personal one I know that he does do a lot of work that I did not realize his job entailed and its no wonder that he is tired a lot of the time.

 

I am keeping myself busy and have arranged a holiday with my sister for a few days. I have also arranged to visit my eldest son a few weeks after that. I know it is just putting dealing with my h on the long finger and until I do deal with him I will not really have any peace of mind. I hope to pick a moment at the weekend when he is not tired and we have the house to ourselves to have some sort of discussion. Its like this EA has taken over my life and I need to get my life back. It is there in the morning when I wake up, when I am working it leaves for a while (I only work away from home a few hours a week) then its back while I am walking the dogs, when I am swimming and its there before I go to sleep if I can sleep. Is this normal?

[outofdarkness]

I know what you mean about the work not always being work. He now has a study at home since some of the kids moved out, so I know now when he is working at home which I must say is a lot of the time. He does not go into his office at night now which he did in the past. Because the OW is 5000 miles away it was hard for me to believe he was having an affair but now I realize that sometimes when he went into his office at night he was phoning her. None of the phone calls appeared on our home bill. There is also the time difference. Now that I read his work email as well as his personal one I know that he does do a lot of work that I did not realize his job entailed and its no wonder that he is tired a lot of the time.

 

I am keeping myself busy and have arranged a holiday with my sister for a few days. I have also arranged to visit my eldest son a few weeks after that. I know it is just putting dealing with my h on the long finger and until I do deal with him I will not really have any peace of mind. I hope to pick a moment at the weekend when he is not tired and we have the house to ourselves to have some sort of discussion. Its like this EA has taken over my life and I need to get my life back. It is there in the morning when I wake up, when I am working it leaves for a while (I only work away from home a few hours a week) then its back while I am walking the dogs, when I am swimming and its there before I go to sleep if I can sleep. Is this normal?

Yes, this is normal and will subside provided that you continue to take care of yourself. You are taking some really positive steps to make sure you don't lose yourself in this. This is GREAT! Keep busy and continue to talk about what's eating at you. This IS a great place to come for advice/support. Keep posting, and mabey consider talking to a therapist? If that's a possiblity? Do it for YOU! However things work out between you and your H, you can come out of this a stronger and more self confident woman! Try to look at the positives in all of this...I know it's hard not to obsess, but if you are able to look ahead, know that this can be a learing and growing experience for you...

 

Keep on doing what you're doing...

[Frances]

This has really being driving me mad and I just could not face another 6 months without saying something so I went for it this morning.

Just a little after we woke up, while still in bed he wanted to know what was wrong with me. I told him about me being so hurt and I needed reassurance from him. His reply to this was that he thought I was over all that. He insists he never fell in love with her and I asked about the contents of some of the emails, he says I have taken them out of context. He insists he loves me and that he never had an affair. If I had not read the emails I would have believed I was imagining things. Who is deluded I wonder? I am unable to convince him it was an affair, hence he has no guilt. He does accept that I have been very hurt by it all and understand that I need reassurance but thats as far as it goes.

Where does this leave me?

[lorr]

I think you know exactly where that leaves you. He still has the bare faced cheek to convince you that he did not have an affair for the past 11 years, and he has no guilt or remorse for his actions.

 

IMHO I think its about time you wake and smell the coffee and realise that to save this marriage is going to be a hopeless situation.

The ball is in your court. Nows the time for you to decide whether you want to continue being a pushover, or finding the strength to go it alone.

 

If he had any interest in saving the marriage then he would have bent over backwards by now and would have done his hardest to get things back on track.But I'm afraid his actions say otherwise.

[silktricks]

I am unable to convince him it was an affair, hence he has no guilt. He does accept that I have been very hurt by it all and understand that I need reassurance but thats as far as it goes.

Where does this leave me?

 

It's good that you are talking to him about your pain. The hard truth is that he may never be able to accept that this relationship (friendship, he will refer to it as) was an affair. It won't fit into his concept of what an affair is, because there was no physical infidelity. But that doesn't really truly matter. Because a word is just that, a word.

 

What does matter is that he does understand that you have been very hurt and that you need reassurance. Because that's the truth. That is the bottom line. What he calls it doesn't matter. What he does with your pain does.

 

So far you've protected him from the level of pain you are in. Now you are beginning to let him see that you still have very strong feelings and a great deal of pain over what he did. As you work out your emotions (and I strongly recommend doing this together and with a professional) he may come to see and accept more of what he did, simply because of seeing and experiencing your pain.

 

Keep taking care of yourself.

[EndoftheRope]

Frances, I am in a very similar situation, down to a lengthy marriage, many children, and a very lengthy EA. I think my H had far fewer e-mails (although he deletes everything, especially since I stumbled on him reading a secret account a few years back, so I don't really know), but the friendship has lasted 13 years, and it's only bit by bit that I've become aware of the extent of it over the last 16 months particularly. He does not consider it an emotional affair. He is beginning to say he's sorry for hurting me, but whether he still acknowledges that what he did is inherently hurtful, I couldn't say.

 

My feeling is that the secrecy says all you need to know. If it were "JUST" a friendship, you would have known about her from the start and all along.

 

What also tells me I'm not crazy is that my H also gets angry if she is brought up.

 

I can't quite tell you when the anger ends. I guess it's been not quite a year and a half since I got clued in, and I'm still fighting the anger. But then, he has added insult to injury, with continued lies about her since I realized, lying in front of our first marriage counselor with the promise of 'being an open book' and forwarding all personal e-mails to me, which he promptly broke, and finally breaking it off only under threat of divorce, and refusing to show me their final communication. (He later told me what it said.)

 

Please PM me if you have privileges for that.

[veronese]

My H also had a long term EA, three of them actually. One for over a decade, one for over 3 years, the third for a year and a half. He also convinced himself that he wasn't really cheating as he didn't have sex with these women, but he always knew that what he was doing was inappropriate and deceitful. It was his 'little secret' though, his escape and fantasy life, an ego boost and an entertaining distraction during monotonous working days.

 

Ask your H if he would accept you doing the same thing. If he would be indifferent if he found out you had a secret male friend for 11 years who you had developed a fondness and closeness to albeit it a non-sexual one?

 

Ask him why if he believes the friendship with his OW to be acceptable within a marriage did he never expressed this opinion in the past? Because if he truly believes what he has done to be innocent presumably he won't object to you doing the same thing?

 

My H had to admit that he wouldn't have been happy had I behaved like he had. He (as did the 3 OW) said initially that he had hidden these friendships from me because 'I wouldn't have understood'! You're damned right I wouldn't have done, and neither would he as it turned out. Being blamed for the secrecy and illicit nature of his EAs really pissed me off. Mind you, a lot of things pissed me off about the situation.

 

I asked him why he felt entitled to play by different rules to the ones I believed to be established in our marriage, and that if having girlfriends was something he wanted to continue enjoying then he should be honest about it to me so that we could play by the same rules in the future. Unsurprisingly that option didn't much appeal to him. What is good for the goose apparently is not so good for the gander! lol

 

Anyway, 3 years on we're still together, but its been a bumpy ride and not one I ever want to repeat.

 

I strongly advise you to get your feelings out in the open with your H as soon as possible. Weddings or not, this is your life, your marriage, your problem and the sooner you confront it the better it will be for YOU. Bugger everyone else hun, think about yourself now.

 

Don't hold back your emotions with your H. DOn't apologise for your pain, don't pussy foot around him or be ashamed of your behaviour towards him. He's got some answers to give you and will avoid having to deal with your anguish just as long as you are prepared to bury your distress and sorrow.

 

It's not going to be easy, I wish i could say it was, but it does get easier eventually, I promise. You won't sleep well, you'll obsess and torture yourself over details and facts, you'll forget how to smile for a while but one day it comes back, truly.

 

Keep walking those dogs and hold your head up high. Your husband isn't who you thought he was but you're about to find out you're not who you think you are either. This has changed your whole world as you know it sadly, but please believe me when I say that the one you are about to discover will bring you joy and happiness, it's just going to take a bit of time.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this and send you big hugs and kisses

 

veronese

[capri]

I have read the community guidelines and think this link fits the criteria:

 

http://groups.msn.com/EmotionalAffairs/

 

It is a group specifically for people who are struggling with emotional affairs, where we are hopefully helping each other in positive ways. (Not commercial, not meant to replace LS at all, since it's not as broad in scope.)

[Frances]

I have read the community guidelines and think this link fits the criteria:

 

http://groups.msn.com/EmotionalAffairs/

 

It is a group specifically for people who are struggling with emotional affairs, where we are hopefully helping each other in positive ways. (Not commercial, not meant to replace LS at all, since it's not as broad in scope.)

 

Can not manage to get onto that site

[Frances]

Hi All

Thanks for all the messages and good wishes. It is helping me.

 

I have now told my eldest son about all this. He is shocked of course, but has another view of it all. Knowing his father the way he does he also thinks the marriage would be over if he had had sex with her. His view is that his Dad got into this by being the usual help he is to someone who needs it as long as its not me. He considers that my h thinks I am able to look after myself and that I cope with everything that he can dump on me. He also thinks I did not show him how vunerable I have been over the years.

 

My son believes that my h does not accept he had an affair because this would show that he is as capable as the rest of us to be human and do things that are not right. My h thinks he has a high moral code and I always thought he had, but now I know he is as human as the rest of us I will look at him differently. It does not mean I do not love him anymore just in a different way. As some of you have said he is a different person than I thought.

[JustBreathe]

Don't let anyone make judgments or tell you what to do insofar as your marriage is concerned. People forgive all kinds of things and you have been married an awful long time.

 

I've been married 25 years. I caught him in an affair 5 years ago whereupon he confessed to having been unfaithful with prosties and this woman and that for the previous 15 years. It isn't like we didn't have alot of sex or that we had lousy sex either. He had anger issues and other problems. He as abusive emotionally. The cheating was a form of abuse. Long story.. too long for now...

 

Anyway, my point is, rare is the long term marriage that has not had serious problems. Most people deal with big big problems when they're together decades. Disease. Addictions. Abuse. All kinds of big issues. Most people are bent in some way or another.

 

I can't resolve what my husband did. It's hard. I think the thing that hurts the most isn't whether or not your husband slept with someone, heck, my husband would sleep with a vacuum cleaner if he thought he could get off. It's the deceit that hurts. The cover-up. The lying.

 

It takes a very long time to recover. It is hard. I am still trying. I cannot tell you how to recover except maybe to try to recover "yourself". Forget about your marriage, and try to remember what you were like before you got married. Work on yourself first. Get back to who you used to be, before you were blind sided.

 

You sound like you're still in shock. I have heard it takes a full year to recover just from the intial shock when you discover your spouse has been unfaithful. Affairs rock everything and attack the very foundation upon which marriage is built - trust, faith, loyalty and commitment.

 

Do not fault yourself for feeling angry and confused and like beating his a$$. That is normal. I would suggest that you first see a doctor for stress and maybe something to help you sleep. Then get yourself an individual counselor so that you don't want to murder him in his sleep.

 

Give yourself at least one year before you make a move. One full year is what it takes for you to stop reeling.

 

Also... wanted to add... any kind of relationship that the spouse doesn't feel free to talk about with their spouse and feels compelled to hide it from them is an affair. Period. It doesn't matter if they got in bed together.

[Impudent Oyster]

What on earth would possess you to stay with a cheating hubby for 11 years?

Please don't say because of the kids, because that line is getting old and tired.

..

 

Lorr, you need to read better, she didn't KNOW he was cheating all those years, she just found out. Also, apparently the affair is over.

Give her time will you, she's just gotten the shock of her life! I'm sure she's still reeling. How do you know that other than finding this out, her husband has treated her well and she hasn't been happy with him all this time?

 

Most marriages don't end because of infidelity, I don't know if you can reconcile but many people have. You need some intense counseling but by all means, get it all out...this is the kind of thing that will eat at you and destroy whatever shred of hope you have left for your marriage surviving this.

[Impudent Oyster]

IMHO I think its about time you wake and smell the coffee and realise that to save this marriage is going to be a hopeless situation.

The ball is in your court. Nows the time for you to decide whether you want to continue being a pushover, or finding the strength to go it alone.

 

If he had any interest in saving the marriage then he would have bent over backwards by now and would have done his hardest to get things back on track.But I'm afraid his actions say otherwise.

 

I strongly disagree. This marriage may very well be worth saving...have you considered that Frances's husband truly does believe he's done nothing wrong?

 

We all know he has, but he might really and truly in his heart not realize that he has. He needs counseling to learn how deeply he's hurt his wife, and once he knows that, I have a feeling the remorse will come.

 

Frances, you need to get into couples therapy ASAP. Don't wait for the weddings. It's easy for people to say you should just get divorced, but divorce is hard, and starting over in mid-life is no cake-walk. Were you happy, or at least content with your husband before all of this? If you were, it's worth saving, if not, then maybe this is just the impetus to leave.

 

Don't do anything you may regret.

[Bobster999]

You women are incredible----he wasn't physical with this other lady and you are thinking about leaving him!! Emotional affair---what a bunch of crap. An affair is being sexual with someone. I don't know what all this "emotional affair' bs is. I never can get over how emotionally fragile you women are.

[Frances]

You women are incredible----he wasn't physical with this other lady and you are thinking about leaving him!! Emotional affair---what a bunch of crap. An affair is being sexual with someone. I don't know what all this "emotional affair' bs is. I never can get over how emotionally fragile you women are.

 

 

You know it’s an affair if the relationship is a

secret and you share things or do things with the

other person that you wouldn’t want your partner to

know about.

 

Emotional affairs are often explained away as

harmless, but this is how affairs often start. The

person doing the cheating often doesn’t feel he is

vulnerable to an affair, isn’t looking for an affair,

and doesn’t particularly want to have an affair, but

sharing feelings, secrets, goals, and problems with

someone who understands and listens creates intimacy.

This can stimulate more sharing and further deepening

of feelings, which can lead to falling in love and

physical intimacy.

 

Most people say it’s easier to heal from physical

betrayal than an emotional one, so sexless cheating is

not a “harmless” dalliance. It can be a heartbreaker.

If you are doing something you wouldn’t do in the

presence of your spouse, stop. That’s the best way to

know if your behavior is appropriate or not.

[Frances]

I strongly disagree. This marriage may very well be worth saving...have you considered that Frances's husband truly does believe he's done nothing wrong?

 

We all know he has, but he might really and truly in his heart not realize that he has. He needs counseling to learn how deeply he's hurt his wife, and once he knows that, I have a feeling the remorse will come.

 

Frances, you need to get into couples therapy ASAP. Don't wait for the weddings. It's easy for people to say you should just get divorced, but divorce is hard, and starting over in mid-life is no cake-walk. Were you happy, or at least content with your husband before all of this? If you were, it's worth saving, if not, then maybe this is just the impetus to leave.

 

 

 

The problem is he will not go to therapy and I will have to go on my own. Is it worthwhile going by myself. Does having an EA make the other nice things about him disappear?

 

We had our ups and down over the years. I did feel him being distant at times and I did suffer from his bad moods during those years and just put it down to stress with work. An affair crossed my mind, but he was not going out anywhere that I did not know about and not very often. He did go into his office and I checked up on that by phoning for some reason or other, sometimes he was on the phone but I did not realize he was on the phone to her. It makes sense now because of the time difference that he would have phoned late at night.

 

After the affair was over I held him in my arms giving him comfort for something I did not know about. I thought he was ill. It was late at night and he was sitting at the end of the bed with his head in his hands. He must have been upset over finishing it and also feeling guilty but not been able to own up to what he had been doing. He thinks by breaking it up before it went physical was been noble as far as I can make out.

 

Tryiny to accept that he is not who I thought he was is difficult. accepting what has happened and getting on with things is hard, somedays I am fine and others I am just a basket case.