kribby Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Hi, I am curious... I have a few ex's (who doesn't? )... Well, my most recent and the significant one... on occasion I think of him... not in a...'ooh I want to see him, talk to him, kiss him, be with him' type of way... Just general questions-- I wonder how business school is going? What is he doing for the summer? Is his dad still ill? We were together for a while... 4 years on and off... we'd date for a year... break up for a month or so and then be back together (I guess that really makes it 3.5 years-- whatever). I believe it is really important to exorcise someone from your life COMPLETELY when they are an ex. but-- because I had built him so much into my life-- I find he is still there-- in pieces-- in the questions that pop in my head every once in a while... So I am curious-- Is it ever a good idea to step back from NC to ocassional 'How is it going?' contact? And how do you do it-- to really ensure you don't: 1. Piss off your current SO-- or make them feel jealous or that you are hiding something 2. Give your ex- reason to hope that you want him 'his sorry butt' back. Another thing... I have no desire WHATSOEVER to speak to any other ex I have... does this mean I am fully over them... or that I didn't 'love them' as much? Perhaps I just need to keep up the NC with my recent ex and all remaining curiosity will whither and fade completely away.... hmm... thoughts anyone?
Aloros Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 It's been a long time. 4 years. I'd wait at least six months. You know what's even better? Wait until you're both seeing other people. If you guys are really over, and you both just want to be buds, that should be fine with your current SO. Just be open and honest with your current SO. Tell him that your ex was in your life for a long time, and you have no more romantic feelings for him, but you'd like to maintain your friendship. Let your SO meet your ex if he wants. Also, make it very clear to your ex that you are only interested in pursuing friendship, you are taken now, and you couldn't possibly ever have romantic feelings for him again, but you would like him in your life. It doesn't hurt to tell your current SO how much you love him and how your relationship is so much better than the one you had with your ex.
Faith2 Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Christmas and his birthday are legitimate occasions to mail him a friendly card and ask about how things are going for him. But at any other time of the year, a message from you would probably be misconstrued as your attempt to get something going with him again.
Author kribby Posted March 23, 2007 Author Posted March 23, 2007 It's been a long time. 4 years. I'd wait at least six months. You know what's even better? Wait until you're both seeing other people. If you guys are really over, and you both just want to be buds, that should be fine with your current SO. Just be open and honest with your current SO. Tell him that your ex was in your life for a long time, and you have no more romantic feelings for him, but you'd like to maintain your friendship. Let your SO meet your ex if he wants. Also, make it very clear to your ex that you are only interested in pursuing friendship, you are taken now, and you couldn't possibly ever have romantic feelings for him again, but you would like him in your life. It doesn't hurt to tell your current SO how much you love him and how your relationship is so much better than the one you had with your ex. Hmm... good ideas. Good ideas. I will use them. Funny thing is... since I am not talking to any of his friends I'll never know if he has found another SO-- so I won't have that cushion... You know what... duh-- his birthday (September). I'll send him an email or give him a call then ... that is if I am still curious about his life. Maybe by then I will have forgotten both... hmmm... I have already forgotten the date of his birthday! Though I might be blocking the memory-- oh, yeah. I forgot. I am a spaz.
Author kribby Posted March 23, 2007 Author Posted March 23, 2007 Christmas and his birthday are legitimate occasions to mail him a friendly card and ask about how things are going for him. But at any other time of the year, a message from you would probably be misconstrued as your attempt to get something going with him again. Really? That's it? Those are the only times I can legitimately contact someone I professed to love and adore and blah blah blah... okay, so the loving and adoring has faded-- floated-- flown away but hey... he is still a cool person and doing cool and interesting things... He was at the bottom of it all, 'a good friend'. How sucky that I can never really have that again. Gah!
LuminousZ Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 So I am curious-- Is it ever a good idea to step back from NC to ocassional 'How is it going?' contact? hmm... thoughts anyone? Hi Kribby; NO, Absolutely not. I am struggling with this issue with my current girlfriend. I really can NOT understand WHY anyone feels the need to speak with their EX. Let it go already. #1 - Communicating with your Ex is not healthy for your current relationship - (Unless there is a child / children involved - then you're stuck). #2 - you will make him feel like you're interested.., Also, your SO will wonder WTF is going through her head???? Why can't she focus on her own life???? So.., like I informed my soon to be EX - girlfriend last night - let the past go. Focus on your future.
Author kribby Posted March 23, 2007 Author Posted March 23, 2007 Hi Kribby; NO, Absolutely not. I am struggling with this issue with my current girlfriend. I really can NOT understand WHY anyone feels the need to speak with their EX. Let it go already. #1 - Communicating with your Ex is not healthy for your current relationship - (Unless there is a child / children involved - then you're stuck). #2 - you will make him feel like you're interested.., Also, your SO will wonder WTF is going through her head???? Why can't she focus on her own life???? So.., like I informed my soon to be EX - girlfriend last night - let the past go. Focus on your future. Hmm... I hear you... I do. BUT In this world aren't there threads that can connect you to so many people???? I believe in NC. Yeah. I do. But even though the gf/bf relationship is over... I still think kindly of my ex. He is a good person, you know. I don't want to get back with him. Maybe your perspective was really needed for me. My girlfriends and frankly any woman I'd ask probably wouldn't see any harm in speaking to an ex. Hell, I like to talk. Give me another person to talk too-- I am in heaven. Of course I could just talk to other folks... And the thing is I HAVE branched out... but can't I keep a slender thread connecting the ex- and I? You are emphatically saying NO. You are a guy. I understand and I thank you for your perspective. I don't want to confuse him and I don't want to screw with my new SO.
oppath Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 I am ok with ex's being friends. I'm not really, but I would have desired it in TIME with my last one, and still do despite some **** she put me through, such as NOT TELL HER EX ABOUT ME so she wouldn't hurt his feelings. An occasional email is cool. Phone? Not so much. If you meet face to face, your new SO should be invited. It must be made clear to an ex that you are happy in a new relationship if you are in one.
jackmerridew Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 I keep so so contact with my exes. My high school love really screwed me over and damaged me traumatically. I'm not kidding. It was VERY difficult to keep in touch with her, mostly because I still had mixed feelings for her, and she had bursts of affection and sorrow for letting it go every once in a while. Once we even had phone sex. Eventually it became too hurtful and we cut off contact for about three years. We keep in touch now, but barely. I know now that she's pregnant and happily engaged, and she knows now that I'm very happy with my current relationship (despite my recent troubles in the other thread). My college sweetheart I was with for four years, but there is no love lost there. I did love her, but I was not in love with her probably the whole time. I still keep in touch with her, but maybe once every six months, and just to know that she's alive and her family is well, since I grew VERY close with her family. My other exes, for the most part I don't even know if they're still alive or not. I just keep the ones that were a significant part of my life, whether in impact or time wise, and I keep the contact to a minimum.
cynicalnlove Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Never. They're you're past. It's like when they're gone, they're dead to you. Grieve and move on.
Author kribby Posted March 24, 2007 Author Posted March 24, 2007 I am ok with ex's being friends. I'm not really, but I would have desired it in TIME with my last one, and still do despite some **** she put me through, such as NOT TELL HER EX ABOUT ME so she wouldn't hurt his feelings. -- hmmmm your new ex- didn't tell her ex about her (then) boyfriend? Hmmmm I can see how that was disrespectful. And here I was considering doing the same thing, as not to hurt his feelings-- kick him when he is down. Glad to hear your perspective. Thanks. An occasional email is cool. Phone? Not so much. If you meet face to face, your new SO should be invited. It must be made clear to an ex that you are happy in a new relationship if you are in one. Hmmm I soooo cannot imagine my new SO in the same room as my EX. Good lord that will never happen. I am thinking I will just have to resign myself to never really knowing what is happening in his life. I will keep the NC up. I think it is best I keep that can of worms closed. I guess I could send him a blah 'Happy Holidays' foward around 12/24 or so... He is my past. I have definitely determined that NC is a the best way to go... he isn't in my life anymore-- and I really care, about his life, only as much as I care (in passing) if Tom Cruise and Kate Holmes had a girl or a boy... it's a girl, right? Thanks for the male perspective.
Author kribby Posted March 24, 2007 Author Posted March 24, 2007 Never. They're you're past. It's like when they're gone, they're dead to you. Grieve and move on. Agreed. (that is really all I have to say... a dialog box popped up and told me I needed to type at least 10 characters...)
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