NoMoreHope Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Greetings all! My wife was deployed to Iraq about five months ago. She is in a safe location and we are able to talk via e-mail almost every day and by phone every three or four days. She is scheduled to return home in about a month and a half, though there is the possibility that her deployment will be extended by about six months. Neither of us are surprised. What surprises me is something that has been happening since her deployment. I have sent her a couple of e-mails over the months, unsolicited, simply telling her how much I love her, that I'm thinking of her, and life back home is normal. I never get responses to these e-mails. I get replies back from the every day stuff, what to do about this or that, who should I get with about this issue, but never anything that involves any emotion on my part. For example, here is an e-mail I sent her yesterday: "With all of the uncertainty that a military career seemingly imparts on families, always know that I'm here at home, living life, enjoying time with friends, doing the things I like to do, spending waaaay too much time playing video games, but most of all thinking of you and wishing for your safe and expeditious return. I support you 100% in what you're doing and I will always be here for whatever you need, and when you return home. Never doubt that. I love you and I miss you babe, always remember that." No response. I ask if she had received the e-mail I sent her and her reply was: "Yes sweetie I got it. Were you asking me to respond to it? There weren't any questions in it. I can say thanks for the sentiments, I love you too." So I respond: "Well, over the past couple of months I've sent a couple of e-mails like that too you and I've never received a response, so I'm a little tired of feeling like I'm pouring my heart out to you and not getting anything back. If you're not going to respond to them, they don't mean anything to you, or your only response is going to be 'thanks for the sentiments', tell me so I can stop wasting my time." She responded: "I don't know how you want me to respond to them. So if it is going to hurt your feelings and cause us to argue over it then I'd rather you not send it." It pretty much went down hill from there. It ended up, from my point of view, being said that I had an need to maintain some kind of emotional connection during a time like this and she is inflexible and unwilling to "pander" to this. She does not feel this way, she does not understand it, so she will not do it and would rather I not send her e-mails like that if I am expecting anything out of her. Am I being overly sensitive in this situation? Does this seem odd to anyone else?
quankanne Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 overly sensitive? possibly, but I think it all has to do with you two being in completely different environments and not being able to communicate effectively. If she's in the sandbox, then she's under orders NOT to give out information about her location, her work, ANYTHING connected to her whole reason for being there, all for security purposes. And I imagine that it makes it incredibly hard to find "fresh" things to say to you. couple it with things like, "With all of the uncertainty that a military career seemingly imparts on families, always know that I'm here at home, living life, enjoying time with friends, doing the things I like to do, spending waaaay too much time playing video games, well, it just makes it even harder to find something to say because it sounds like you're rubbing in all these things that she can't do because she's over there, dodging bullets for a living. yes, she wants to know that you're safe and finding ways to pass time, and that you miss her fiercely, but in a way, she's having to live a normal life through you. Become more descriptive about being with your friends (akin to gossip, "Did you know X and Y aren't talking because he used the downpayment for their house to buy a bass boat?" or "Has Z contacted you yet – I understand she's got some very exciting news to share, though I haven't heard officially") or even your gaming (did you conquer an incredibly hard level of a game? Did you find something new that you're looking forward to teaching her how to play?) mostly, it's about bringing a sense of normalcy to what she's doing. I imagine she's got enough on her mind trying to get from day to day safely, so getting messages from her loved ones would be like getting care packages filled with normalcy and happiness. You want to pack things in there that you know will bring a smile to her face or touch her heart whenever she sees email from you. tell her that I'm proud of her for answering the call of duty – I've got a 21yoa nephew back over there, and we have very limited contact because of the dangers of the job. And most of my correspondence is keeping him abreast of what the family is doing and his grandpa's latest shenanigans ... they know we want them back safely, and they're doing their best to achieve that, but I've often wondered if we don't put pressure on them by telling them that each time we do. Maybe a declaration of deep, abiding love says it all? Must ask the boy about this theory ... you'll do fine, NMH, just look at it as your opportunity to show her what's going on in your neck of the woods. Hell, I even call my husband 2-3 times a day to tell him some of what I read on this forum or in gossip columns that strikes me as hilarious! It doesn't get more "typical wifey" than that, hee hee. good luck, q
bluetuesday Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 i'd hazard a guess that she's in a pretty rotten and hostile situation, in the middle of a war zone, and her need to remain emotionally unattached to what she is experiencing means she has, temporarily, closed off all her gooeyness. knowing she has loving support back at home is wonderful and i am sure you are a beacon of hope and love in her world. but she's in a situation you haven't experienced (i assume), seeing horrors she can't explain to you, and her emotional distance is just a reflection of this. here's something that happened to me. during the war in former yugoslavia in the early 90s, i went to croatia and bosnia on an aid mission, delivering food and medical supplies to people who had all been displaced from their homes, separated from their families and many of whom had seen children, husbands and fathers slaughtered. what i saw (and it was little in comparison to what they had seen) will never leave me. i'm an animal lover, and a few weeks after i got home i witnessed a beautiful golden retriever dog running into a busy road and being hit by a car. and it didn't move me. i barely cared. i thought 'so what? there are people dying'. my extreme reaction - or rather non-reaction - shocked me. but i had become desensitised to what i considered a matter of little importance; the life or death of a dog. i could only think that the few people who gathered and were upset while tending to this dying animal had no idea what real suffering was. that was an extreme reaction for me and i suspect your wife may be going through something similar. she will know in the back of her mind that you're there. but she can't think about that now. she needs to stay focused, because if she's not focused out there she could put herself or other people in mortal danger. so maybe she can't allow herself to miss you all that much or think how desperate she is to get home. she has a job to do, and she has to get through it. so i would lean towards the answer that yes, you probably are being over-sensitive. what i'm really interested in though, is why you called yourself NoMoreHope.
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