rdnkgrl31 Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Well, I just joined this site. I was looking for some insight to how other women feel in this type of relationship. What I have found has made me even more confused. I guess I just need to stick to the original thought, that I am just enjoying the moment, and what happens, happens. This is my story: I have never entertained the idea, and never wanted to get involved w/ a MM. I now have been seeing my MM for a little bit over a year. We live about 40 minutes away from each other. And between our work schedules, we do not see each other that often. Plus, I am a single mom. We met through mutual friends, and it wasn't a set up or anything. My girlfriend had mentioned his named to me months prior, and I told her that I didn't want to get involved w/ some one who was married. She then told me about his marriage and his wife. That still didn't move me. A few months later, we met. I thought he was just hilarious. He made me laugh. We started talking about things that interest us, we found that we have a lot of things in common, the same interests and stuff. At first he never really talked about his W, and I didn't ask. We talked about everything else though. We can sit and start talking and before we know it, it's 9 hours later. We just click. Our personalities are almost identical. I have never met someone I am so compatible with. About 3 months after we started seeing each other. He left his W. I never urged him to do that. I did know that he wasn't happy. They have now been married for 6 years. She has 2 children from a prev. marriage, my MM has been a father to her youngest, and he loves him a great deal. My MM doesn't have any biological children of his own. His son is 14, the daughter is 19. He calls him dad, and all. Anyways, when he left, his son didn't know how to re-act to it, and he quit calling him dad. His W, called his phone constantly. Begging him to reconsider and come home. He tried to sit down with her and talk to her about it. All the reasons that they should get a divorce, and just try and be friends, b/c they are better as friends. She didn't feel that way, she didn't think they were that bad. My understanding from him and a few other people who know them, have said that all they do is fight. All the time. The both work at a prison, he works 4-12 am shift, with opposite days off than her, she works the 12-8am shift. They never see each other. In passing only. He likes it that way. So he left , and it hit the fan, of course. Then we got into our first and only argument ever. Needless to say, we quit talking for a while. We had both professed our love to one another. Before this argument, we saw each other once a week, and talked on the phone every night. From his job. About a month after we quit talking, he went back to his W, and I told him good luck. I was miserable, but what could I do. A couple of months later, he called me, and told me he missed me, that he couldn't forget about me. He knows he should let me move on, but he can't. That he loves me, he just couldn't handle his son being so mad at him. That he legally has no rights to him and she would stop him from seeing him, especially if she found out about me. He was still in love with me. So yes, we started it back up again. Now we are only seeing each other once every 2 weeks or so. And while I am so happy when I am on my way to see him and when I am with him. When I leave, I am sad. Its hard, b/c I feel that if he loved me enough, then he would leave. Yet I understand about his son. I have met the majority of his friends, and some members of his family. His uncle has told me how much his nephew is in love w/ me. I mean, is this normal? Is this a pattern that most MM follow? I have no idea. I have never been in this situation before. I do not feel that he has lied to me at all. He has never promised he would leave her, he's never made me believe otherwise. He tells me he loves me and that he misses me all the time. That he wishes that we had met years ago, before he married her. That he would marry me w/ out hesitation if he wasn't married. I have never been married myself. Never wanted to. Until this one. I have never in my life, met someone who makes me feel all of these emotions. I am truly happy when I am with him. We have discussed what happens, if we get together and it doesn't work, b/c we woudl be seeing each other all the time. And the bills and kids come into play. I honestly think we could make it work. He agrees. Yet, I don't know if he is waiting until his son is 16 and can drive and make decisions on his own. Or if I am just gonna be his mistress forever. I know that right now, I do not want it to end between us, b/c whatever time I do get, no matter how small, I cherish it. Has anyone else been in this similar situation? If so, what was the outcome?
1DeadB Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Well, I just joined this site. I was looking for some insight to how other women feel in this type of relationship. What I have found has made me even more confused. I guess I just need to stick to the original thought, that I am just enjoying the moment, and what happens, happens. This is my story: I have never entertained the idea, and never wanted to get involved w/ a MM. I now have been seeing my MM for a little bit over a year. We live about 40 minutes away from each other. And between our work schedules, we do not see each other that often. Plus, I am a single mom. We met through mutual friends, and it wasn't a set up or anything. My girlfriend had mentioned his named to me months prior, and I told her that I didn't want to get involved w/ some one who was married. She then told me about his marriage and his wife. That still didn't move me. A few months later, we met. I thought he was just hilarious. He made me laugh. We started talking about things that interest us, we found that we have a lot of things in common, the same interests and stuff. At first he never really talked about his W, and I didn't ask. We talked about everything else though. We can sit and start talking and before we know it, it's 9 hours later. We just click. Our personalities are almost identical. I have never met someone I am so compatible with. About 3 months after we started seeing each other. He left his W. I never urged him to do that. I did know that he wasn't happy. They have now been married for 6 years. She has 2 children from a prev. marriage, my MM has been a father to her youngest, and he loves him a great deal. My MM doesn't have any biological children of his own. His son is 14, the daughter is 19. He calls him dad, and all. Anyways, when he left, his son didn't know how to re-act to it, and he quit calling him dad. His W, called his phone constantly. Begging him to reconsider and come home. He tried to sit down with her and talk to her about it. All the reasons that they should get a divorce, and just try and be friends, b/c they are better as friends. She didn't feel that way, she didn't think they were that bad. My understanding from him and a few other people who know them, have said that all they do is fight. All the time. The both work at a prison, he works 4-12 am shift, with opposite days off than her, she works the 12-8am shift. They never see each other. In passing only. He likes it that way. So he left , and it hit the fan, of course. Then we got into our first and only argument ever. Needless to say, we quit talking for a while. We had both professed our love to one another. Before this argument, we saw each other once a week, and talked on the phone every night. From his job. About a month after we quit talking, he went back to his W, and I told him good luck. I was miserable, but what could I do. A couple of months later, he called me, and told me he missed me, that he couldn't forget about me. He knows he should let me move on, but he can't. That he loves me, he just couldn't handle his son being so mad at him. That he legally has no rights to him and she would stop him from seeing him, especially if she found out about me. He was still in love with me. So yes, we started it back up again. Now we are only seeing each other once every 2 weeks or so. And while I am so happy when I am on my way to see him and when I am with him. When I leave, I am sad. Its hard, b/c I feel that if he loved me enough, then he would leave. Yet I understand about his son. I have met the majority of his friends, and some members of his family. His uncle has told me how much his nephew is in love w/ me. I mean, is this normal? Is this a pattern that most MM follow? I have no idea. I have never been in this situation before. I do not feel that he has lied to me at all. He has never promised he would leave her, he's never made me believe otherwise. He tells me he loves me and that he misses me all the time. That he wishes that we had met years ago, before he married her. That he would marry me w/ out hesitation if he wasn't married. I have never been married myself. Never wanted to. Until this one. I have never in my life, met someone who makes me feel all of these emotions. I am truly happy when I am with him. We have discussed what happens, if we get together and it doesn't work, b/c we woudl be seeing each other all the time. And the bills and kids come into play. I honestly think we could make it work. He agrees. Yet, I don't know if he is waiting until his son is 16 and can drive and make decisions on his own. Or if I am just gonna be his mistress forever. I know that right now, I do not want it to end between us, b/c whatever time I do get, no matter how small, I cherish it. Has anyone else been in this similar situation? If so, what was the outcome? Bla bla bla bla bla...I could read all that. So I wish you luck.
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 You need to end it and walk away. He has chosen the kids over your relationship with him and nothing is going to change that. You can stay the OW for a long time, but you're the one who is missing out on a full relationship. Tell him it's over and end it. Go no contact and let him know that if he gets divorced THEN he can call you. Read more threads in this section, see what you're up against. From what I've seen, not too many MM leave their wives..
Izzar Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 My s/o left & divorced his wife. I won't say he did it for me but for his own sanity & his xw's happiness & his own. Sometimes it does work out.
Author rdnkgrl31 Posted March 23, 2007 Author Posted March 23, 2007 Yeah, I told him that I didn't want to be the reason he left. It has to be for all the other reasons. Thank you for your response, maybe there is hope.
1DeadB Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Yeah, I told him that I didn't want to be the reason he left. It has to be for all the other reasons. Thank you for your response, maybe there is hope. Run, don't walk. Find someone else. There are so many men.
puddleofmud Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Welcome to the forum and I am saddened to hear of your situation. And even more sadly that the reality is that he has made his choice. He is baiting you to try and find out if you would continue an affair within the parameters given... The parameters won't change! This is your option: either deal with him being married or not. I feel that a very important aspect is that he already "tried" being with you as his one and only, which did not happen because HE DID NOT ALLOW. Thus, you will never "be" that. Now, it's about what YOU will allow? Another concern is that he only called you from "his job'? Should he have left did he not have a home number and home to which you were invited? Are you sure he really "left"???? Never the less, you have the power to stay or leave... Best wishes and think wisely!
sadbuttrue Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 i have felt the same way as you. i feel that if he loved me enough, he would be with me no matter what. so i have discovered that he must not love me enough, even though he tells me that he loves me and misses me all the time too. apparently not enough i cant tell you that things will work out the way you want, that is up to how you allow him to treat you. he went back to her and the kids, he could have started a life with you instead. so now he wants to continue to have you as well as his homelife. this is the way of the MM.
Guest Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Sometimes mm's family know that he is miserable. They probably wish he would make the break from a wife that uses his children against him and has left him miserable and without sex. They see how happy the ow has made the mm. Ultimately the decision to leave his marriage lies with the mm and when a wife threatens that he will never see his children again should he make that choice most will stay in the m especially if the children are young. ow do not know what goes on behind closed doors despite what mm tells her. ow are led to believe the the marital home is hell - if so then ow cannot understand why mm stays. you are in a brainwashed state and could stay suspended this way for years. let him go if he comes back let him go again if he comes back let him go again how long do you want this to go on for?
Author rdnkgrl31 Posted March 26, 2007 Author Posted March 26, 2007 I did alot of thinking this weekend. And while it is so stupid, I know that technically I am the one who has the control to stop this. Yet, I am not ready to end it just yet. I know he isn't going to leave, it's too easier to stay. I have all of his numbers where I can reach him. When he left before, he was staying w/ his mom, and I had that number also, so yeah, I knew for certain, that he had left. It's crazy, b/c a part of me wants him to leave, and another part doesn't. Because I have a 15 y/o and a 12 y/o sons, and I like the living situation the way it is. It's just us. Sometimes, I think that I have the "fun" part of him, I don't have to cook for him, clean for him, or answer to him. I just get sad sometimes. O well, it's the choice I am making.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Ultimately the decision to leave his marriage lies with the mm and when a wife threatens that he will never see his children again should he make that choice most will stay in the m especially if the children are young. Guest, Unless he has done something that you don't know about or that you're not mentioning or accepting then she can't keep his children from him. She would need unequivicable documented evidence and if that is the case, you wouldn't want this man in your life permenantly anyway.
PoshPrincess Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Ultimately the decision to leave his marriage lies with the mm and when a wife threatens that he will never see his children again should he make that choice most will stay in the m especially if the children are young. I agree with the above. I know many say that if our MMs really loved us they would leave no matter what, but there is never as strong a bond as the one between a parent and child and fortunately, not all men are that selfish! Don't get me wrong. I was selfish. I left the father of my son purely for the sake of my own happiness. Maybe that makes me selfish, maybe that just makes me strong. Who knows? I had a similar sitch with my MM in that he ended up staying because of the kids; his teenage daughter in particular. He DID try to leave but he never wanted us to continue as an affair. He felt too guilty. At the time we were both gutted but now I think he at least has come to terms with his decision. I don't know if he ever sorted out his M - he always said it had gone beyond that - but I guess from his actions that he feels he made the right decision with regards to us. I'm gutted but as long as he's happy that's the main thing. I guess it's harder if he still wants to see you whilst staying with his W. That's a decision only you can make. It depends whether you feel you can cope with always coming second. Sometimes I regret ever finishing things with MM; maybe we could have carried on, but then we all deserve better. I deserve better than to be with a man who can give me 100% (as you do), his W deserves to have a husband who doesn't cheat on her and he deserves to be happy too. I wonder if any of us are happy with the final outcome. I know I'm not so can only hope they are.
1DeadB Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Hey, If wishes here hung like horses, I'ld be very happy.
LittleWoman12 Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Hey, If wishes here hung like horses, I'ld be very happy.If you got any penises, you'd be happy.
Author rdnkgrl31 Posted March 26, 2007 Author Posted March 26, 2007 She would be able to keep him away from my MM b/c he is not his biological father, technically he has no legal rights to him. But he doesn't have any of his own, he has raised his son as his own.
woe_is_me Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 I did alot of thinking this weekend. And while it is so stupid, I know that technically I am the one who has the control to stop this. Yet, I am not ready to end it just yet. I know he isn't going to leave, it's too easier to stay. I have all of his numbers where I can reach him. When he left before, he was staying w/ his mom, and I had that number also, so yeah, I knew for certain, that he had left. It's crazy, b/c a part of me wants him to leave, and another part doesn't. Because I have a 15 y/o and a 12 y/o sons, and I like the living situation the way it is. It's just us. Sometimes, I think that I have the "fun" part of him, I don't have to cook for him, clean for him, or answer to him. I just get sad sometimes. O well, it's the choice I am making. rdnk.. be very careful ..he hasn't left you yet..but the longer he stays the more you will grow to love him and the more it will hurt when he starts to pull away.. i didn't dream there would be a day when id never see mine again i was so used to him coming over- he said it would have to end and i just wailed.. WHY!!?? and he said 'because im married?' (doh..i used to forget) thats how brainwashed they get you... you're not the only one who stands to get hurt.. if he endears himself to your sons and buys them gifts etc they will miss him as much as you will when he decides to end it (it's all on HIS terms remember) as independent and happy as you say you are..he is working on that and you don't even know it darling. there will possibly be periods of NC and your sons may have to watch you fall in a heap during these times and if and when he returns. you sound like you won't and don't want to end it and thats understandable ..half of my xmms family and friends knew about me but he's still not here is he!
Author rdnkgrl31 Posted March 27, 2007 Author Posted March 27, 2007 He doesn't see my kids. When we started this thing back up, we decided that it was best for him not to come around my boys. So he hasn't. I am so glad I found this site, it feels so good to be able to get this stuff off my chest w/out being ridiculed by someone.
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