Miss_Bee Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Hi everyone, How does one forgive and forget the past when trying to move forward in a relationship? My bf hurt me like no other, in the beginning of the relationship. I don't want to get into all that. At this point i want to focus on what i'm doing wrong in our relationship. After we got back together, and he moved back to be with me, he has been trying very hard to make things up to me. In alot of the ways that count. Granted he has his jealous and insecure moments. But so do I. I love this man like i've never loved anyone, and I want to forgive him sooo freakin bad. But i don't know how. I am terrified of being hurt that way again, so i close up my heart and won't let him in. When we argue, i make it alot worse than it should be because all that happened in the beginning comes back and I start yelling at him for that again. We both call eachother some pretty rotten names while we fight, and we hurt because of it. When i get angry, i say things, and as soon as they spurt forth from my mouth the regret is instant, and saying sorry later just sounds so hollow. I regressed after finding out that he lied about some things, now it's all in the back of my mind again. He's been trying sooo HARD, but i still can't seem to let him in. What i'm seeking advice for is, how can i let go of the fear of being hurt again, and let him back in? How can i forgive him? It should be easy knowing that he's not that person anymore right?
princessa Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 I think the best way you can bring yourself to forgive him is to focus on the fact that you still love him and that he is a good person despite the way that his shortcoming have hurt you. Pace yourself during arguments, take the time to breathe and think about things. Also, if you find yourself screwing up and saying sorry right after, I think that because you are aware that you do that and it bothers you, you will eventually stop but it might take some time. Maybe in the mean time you can communicate with him and tell him that you're getting over these things, and that you need time, and ask him to be patient with you. Tell him you appreciate the efforts that he's making on his side, and that it's important that he keeps them up despite your occasional blow ups. Also if you think you're holding on to the resentment too much maybe you just need to take a break from him and give yourself the time to miss him.
Ssheena Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 I don't think forgiving someone happens overnight. I imagine it takes a long time - especially if there was cheating involved. I don't know how to do it, but I bet there is lots of info out there on the best ways. I'd work on the anger issues though and somehow catch yourself before you explode (if possible). If working it out between you two is really what you both want, you both are going to need to figure out a way to communicate and get angry without name calling and rehashing of old stuff. Wishing you the best of luck!
Lezbean Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Miss Bee, I know it is hard, but in order to move forward and for your relationship to grow you have to stop bringing up the past. The past is gone. You need to focus on what you want out of your relationship from here on out. Otherwise you just rehash the same fight over and over with no winners. Forgive yourself first, then forgive him and make your relationship what you want it to be. You have the power to create any kind of relationship you want, be it the most wonderful or mediocre. Right now my favorite song is World by Five for fighting. Anyway, the course goes "be careful what you wish for, the future starts now". Let go of the past, forgive each other and begin creating the relationship of your dreams. Couples who can't make up will break up. As simple as this sounds, without forgiveness in a relationship, old hurts often resurface and neither person is truly able to let go of the past Best wishes to you!
Kit666 Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Mizz_Bee, has he been slipping back and forth between hurting you and then apologizing and proclaiming that he's been trying to change and/or will? AND he's been using the same procedure or way overall to change that's been ineffective? How is he changing? You see, if this guy is using the same method to change his ways and is stubborn about more effective or other alternative to change (like counseling or negotiating), then you should just ease your way out of the relationship and move on and not be caught in the viscious cycle as it is very unhealthy and doing more damage progressively. As a matter of fact, when you do get out of the relationship, you may even regret expending so much time and energy on him. Don't look at him through a rose-tinted glass; look at him without biasness (as hard as it is) and evaluate his trends. If there is a new method, new efforts, new negotiations, new behavioral trends; then there is a large chance that he'll change for the long term. If he's in between the two categories, then it's a gamble.
Author Miss_Bee Posted March 23, 2007 Author Posted March 23, 2007 Thank you all for your replies Princessa - I think that my anger problem is what makes our fights alot worse, i have to find something other than the past to focus on while we are having a disagreement I just don't know what. Ssheena - You are soo right that forgiveness doesn't happen over night. These things happened in the beginning of our relationship which was almost 3 years ago. It had everything to do with his ex-girlfriend. Then things resurfaced again, last April and we broke up in October finally because of it. Now i am struggling to let go and forgive him for it. Lezbean - The problem is, is that i don't know how to forgive, i don't know where to start. Forgiving means opening my heart to him once more and leaving it open to be crushed the way it was back then. I find myself pushing him away as an alternative just to protect myself. I don't want to do this anymore. But i don't know anyother way. We talked all morning about this, and some other problems that we were having. I think we might have made some progress . Kit666 - He has changed in alot of ways. He's realized that he messed up and is trying in everyway possible to make things between us right. He's been showing me alot more affection and has been very open, where as he was secretive before. He's also being more considerate. He's just all around different than he was when he left. I don't really want to get into the wrong things he's done. I am looking to fix the things that i'm doing wrong, as a step to better our relationship. I know that my resentments and me not being able to forgive him is a huge barrier. If we don't overcome it, then it will be the end. I've thought about that route quite a bit, as i'm sure he has too. But we both love eachother enough to want to try once more. There are other obstacles we need to get through. But this one thing i think i need to deal with head on first.
Pyro Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Hi everyone, How does one forgive and forget the past when trying to move forward in a relationship? My bf hurt me like no other, in the beginning of the relationship. I don't want to get into all that. At this point i want to focus on what i'm doing wrong in our relationship. After we got back together, and he moved back to be with me, he has been trying very hard to make things up to me. In alot of the ways that count. Granted he has his jealous and insecure moments. But so do I. I love this man like i've never loved anyone, and I want to forgive him sooo freakin bad. But i don't know how. I am terrified of being hurt that way again, so i close up my heart and won't let him in. When we argue, i make it alot worse than it should be because all that happened in the beginning comes back and I start yelling at him for that again. We both call eachother some pretty rotten names while we fight, and we hurt because of it. When i get angry, i say things, and as soon as they spurt forth from my mouth the regret is instant, and saying sorry later just sounds so hollow. I regressed after finding out that he lied about some things, now it's all in the back of my mind again. He's been trying sooo HARD, but i still can't seem to let him in. What i'm seeking advice for is, how can i let go of the fear of being hurt again, and let him back in? How can i forgive him? It should be easy knowing that he's not that person anymore right? For this to work, it is going to take effort from both of you, and I mean both of you need to give it your all. The past is the past. You both have to realize that their is no way to ever change the past. All that you can change and what you should be concentrating on is the present and the future. You both must talk and compromise and decide what it is that needs to change on both your behalfs and you both must have the willingness and desire to stick to those changes. You both must also stop with the name calling. All that does is put the other on the defensive and once the person is there, they close up and all hope of communication and compromise goes out the door.
Author Miss_Bee Posted March 24, 2007 Author Posted March 24, 2007 For this to work, it is going to take effort from both of you, and I mean both of you need to give it your all. The past is the past. You both have to realize that their is no way to ever change the past. All that you can change and what you should be concentrating on is the present and the future. You both must talk and compromise and decide what it is that needs to change on both your behalfs and you both must have the willingness and desire to stick to those changes. You both must also stop with the name calling. All that does is put the other on the defensive and once the person is there, they close up and all hope of communication and compromise goes out the door. Thank you Rids, You are very much so correct. It's takes the both of us to make this relationship work. Things feel alot better now. I let go of a few things yesterday, as i thought i have before. But this time it really feels different. Something inside me clicked after we talked once again yesterday afternoon, and things feel a bit better . He's done a 180 in the past few weeks and i've turned around also. I think that we've made some significant progress. He did something for me yesterday that i've needed for a long while, but couldn't quite come out and ask him to do. He realized it was what i needed and he did it. So things are better
Pyro Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 Thank you Rids, You are very much so correct. It's takes the both of us to make this relationship work. Things feel alot better now. I let go of a few things yesterday, as i thought i have before. But this time it really feels different. Something inside me clicked after we talked once again yesterday afternoon, and things feel a bit better . He's done a 180 in the past few weeks and i've turned around also. I think that we've made some significant progress. He did something for me yesterday that i've needed for a long while, but couldn't quite come out and ask him to do. He realized it was what i needed and he did it. So things are better Just take it one day at a time. I really do hope that things turn around for you. So what exactly was it that you needed?..............
norajane Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 I regressed after finding out that he lied about some things, now it's all in the back of my mind again. This sounds like a contradiction to this: and has been very open, where as he was secretive before. He lied, but he's very open now? He's done a 180 in the past few weeks Real change takes a lot longer than a few weeks of modified behavior. That could be why you're having so much trouble trusting him. Forgiving the past requires that it truly be in the PAST. Meaning, over and done. Meaning, he's not doing new things (like lying) that cause you to mistrust him. If you are uncertain that he will lie to you, or when, or about what, then you are going to have a lot of trouble letting go of the past. Forgiving isn't something you do for him, but something you do for yourself - so you can let go of the pain and put the burden down. However, if you don't trust that he's done acting in a way that is going to hurt you, or if he continues to act in hurtful ways, you aren't going to be able to let it go. Take this slow. Even though he's "changed", you need time to believe in the change. Once you see him behaving consistently for a period of time, you will be able to trust him and forgive. Don't rush yourself.
Author Miss_Bee Posted March 26, 2007 Author Posted March 26, 2007 Just take it one day at a time. I really do hope that things turn around for you. So what exactly was it that you needed?.............. He finally realized how badly he hurt me in the beginning, and what he was doing to me by pursuing a friendship with his ex, and keeping in contact with her. He cheated and left me for her in the beginning, so i couldn't stand them being friends. All this while, he could only see what he was feeling. I hurt alot because i was left feeling worthless in his eyes, because he never seen what he was doing with his contact with her, and he never seen the pain it caused. He seen this and more, and he said that he never speak to her again. I couldn't come right out and ask that of him. He did it on his own. In the past i've asked him to limit his contact with her, but that contact still bothered me. It left me feeling betrayed in the worst way, because of all the pain that our relationship endured because of it. I know that i could have handled things alot better, i didn't though. He could have also handled things better too. I think that the ending of all that, is a great weight off of our relationship and things are looking up
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