Does abuse beget abuse?

[luvstarved]

Semi-old-timer here, kvetching about my sexless marriage.

 

I have been away on a business trip for over a week and it gave me the chance to step back and look at my relationship somewhat more objectively.

 

During that time, I re-realized that my H is verbally/emotionally abusive. When we had been dating only 4 months, I actually bought a book on verbal abuse because it seemed so clear...mostly with anger, ordering, etc. but most of the time he is such a reliable stand up guy that I went ahead with the marriage.

 

Well...I gave it a lot of thought while I was all the way on the other coast and did a lot of research into narcissistic personalities and abuse. He is not 100% NPD because he does not seem that "grandiose" in his expectations, it is more in terms of the lack of empathy and self-serving stuff that he marginally qualifies, the inability to take criticism, denial about events, anything to not be at fault and to be viewed as a prince of a man, etc.

 

But as I was reading there were other things too, like jealousy, threatening to leave, which have been recent behaviors of MINE. I have been jealous because of his looking at porn during sexless phase of our marriage and the subtle but consistent signs that he has the hots for a coworker of his. So, yeah, I have monitored his activities somewhat (as a seasoned software pro, this is fairly easy for me) and to be honest, there is nothing suspicious on record. So, I know there is nothing going on except that he has a thing for her which is not being acted upon for whatever reason.

 

Also, I have been so frustrated by the "obligatory sex" that he has provided to avoid the sexless label and by the continued bursts of anger and inability to communicate that I have said that if things did not improve then divorce could become an option.

 

Most of the stuff I have read about emotional abuse characterizes it as having an abuser and a victim. But over time and with growing resentment, I find that I also have some of the traits. Nothing compared to his, really, but I was just wondering whether people who were victims of abuse might eventually take on abusive characteristics of their own? A pretty shabby defense, but I have not seen anything in my research that talks about this angle and wondered whether anyone out there has experienced similar?

 

Thanks as always for any comments...

[luvstarved]

Oh and I did mean in a context of a marriage. Obviously I realize that abused children often grow up to be abusers themselves, but I was talking about a husband and wife situation. Thanks again...

[km]

In the words of Steve Carrell (or was it Stephen Colbert):

 

YYYYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!

 

I was NEVER ever ever an angry or abusive person, before living with my verbally abusive an eternally angry husband for a few years. Now, I spew venom and anger and hatred just as well as he does. I hate it. I realize that my parents were also an example but, in every previous relationship, that example was there as a reminder of what I did NOT want to become. In this relationship, it's a reminder that I was not successful at escaping the pattern.

 

I hate being like this. In the face of it always coming back to me, I cannot seem to stop.

 

I keep trying to find ways to make my marriage better -- and might even feel that it's improved, at times, and then his anger/abusiveness (which he is completely able to deny even exists) rears its head and I'm back in the pit, again.

[corazoncito]

Yes.

 

I lived with a real piece of work. He was always calling me names, blowing up at me for no consistent reason, didn't want me to talk to other people, telling me I was stupid and didn't deserve anything in life (which I guess is where he came in). All around a**hole. I started turning into one too and realized I needed to get out. I had always had a quick temper, but even after moving on from him I've found that I have not gone back completely to being able to "fight fair". I still have problems with it today, but am working on it.